An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Happiness is . . .

  • When I was a kid, my dad dropped one that looped the whole way around the bowl, kinda like the snake-eating-itself logo from that Millenium show. He was so proud of it that he left it there with a sign that read “First Prize: Blue Ribbon Tird.” (My dad thought that because turd and bird rhyme, they should be spelled similarly.)

  • jennyh

    I work with a pediatric GI doc (i.e. gut doctor) who makes metamucil cookies for his patients….apparently the peanut butter ones are da bomb! Did I try one? No thanks!

  • I

    This is probably the reason why shows like Jerry Springer, Cops, etc. never run out of material. Too many stupid people. Please disable the comments section & get a job or something. I think you & your readers have too much time on your hands. When they said the internet would allow each individual a voice probably didn’t mean this.

  • HereForNow

    Sounds like I is constipated.

  • se

    Sadly/sickly, my poop thoughts are of other’s poops. The boy at the YMCA who pooped *through* his swim suit at the edge of the pool leaving a tidy pile, guy at entrance to my college library as I was walking in who, addressing someone many yards away, bellowed in my face “I’ve gotta go pinch a loaf!”, and the interior design consultant chicklette where I used to work whose poops smelled so urpingly awful I had to learn her bowel habits in order to avoid being ambushed while I was in the bathroom. Her colon must have only been visited by red meat and burnt coffee. She also wore heavy perfume so you knew it was her coming in the restroom if you were already in a stall. I’d cut my pissing off mid-stream if I smelled her coming, so I wouldn’t have to smell her going.

  • pinklady

    to “i”: i guess if you really feel that way go frequent and post comments on another site. people so concerned with propriety really grate on my nerves. poop is funny get over yourself.

  • I: funny, you had enough time on your hands to read all these ìstupidî comments.

    i’d totally have a job by now, but people just aren’t hiring professional poopers. times are hard.

  • moose

    Making a snake.

    Gotta go.

  • Ev

    I may be getting old and all, but damn, I just wanna do a little dance when I drop a good log.

  • i assume he has found dry grass in the back yard. or you have found taco bell.

  • elvis

    -lay some cable
    -take my seat at the throne
    -lose some weight
    -drop a steamer
    -visit elvis
    -pinch one off
    -back one out
    -roll the deuce
    i use the last one the most, which is why i find this website, and its current topic curious

  • Two lovely poop euphemisms attributed to the late French novelist George Perec are, “I’m going to cast myself a bronze” and “My lips are bursting with nutcake”.

  • SUSU

    Dooce you are da BOMB! I have not laughed this hard in a long while…

    I once had a home health client whose wife’s chief complaint was that her husband’s shit was too big to flush. She had to get in there and break them up so’s they’d go down. She wanted me to send her a Nusing assistant to help her manage flushing her husband’s stools. She showed them to me every time I went to the house… I actually felt happy for the guy it musta felt good to unload like that daily..

  • anna

    you go dooce – give that loser “I” what for!

    and amanda lewis – i just got totally wrapped up in your web page. you are the kind of girl i never ever will be no matter how hard i try or how many hot friends i have.

    in fact so are most girls.


  • i can’t believe no one has said “turtle head” yet.

  • “my lips are bursting with nutcake?” jesus i had to pick myself off the floor after that one. thanks a million.

    and jen, i couldnt agree more. although a regular unloading is a joy to experience, too regular and life sucks. i can tell you from experience that being overseas and having to dive off a trail or hang your ass off the side of a rock every 20 minutes in order to evict all the contents of your abdomen (including a spleen i think) is NOT a fun way to spend a vacation.

  • Amen to that!

  • makin a move

    slow silly string

  • Sometimes I

    Boycott shampoo.

    Demand real poo.

  • Whenever I have a really long and satisfying poop, and I mean the kind where you poop a whole lot, and then, just when you think you’re done, there’s a secondary poop, then I like to think to myself, to paraphrase Macbeth, “Out, damned poop! Yet who would have thought the old girl to have had so much poop in her?” Every time.

  • Jasmine

    Colloquialism: ‘Releasing a chocolate hostage’.

  • …on the kitchen floor! Well, my puppy thinks so anyway.

  • So what I want to know is, what’s the recommended/ideal number of time per day for “punching a grumpy”? I’m thinking daily is great, twice a day is acceptable. I just need to convince a friend that 5 visits a day to drop a chalupa is simply showing a lack of commitment while on the throne. It’s hard enough to organize the day around 3 square meals, this would throw my schedule in the sh**ter, especially since I have a thing about using public washrooms for #2

  • .it’s totally over-rated.

  • My favorite is colloquialism is “drowning kittens”.

    But I also like “making bears”.

  • elissa

    my father says “i’m going to make a deposit in the porcelain bank” and “time to worship the porcelain temple” for his daily unloadings.

  • gm

    1) Taking the Browns to the Superbowl

    2) If my ex had to poop really bad, to when it was pushing against his rectum, he would say, “It’s crowning!”

    Yuck! Accurate, tho.

  • Irk

    What’s regular is being able to set your watch by the time elapsed between the crumpling of the sandwich wrapper into the fry box to the first plop of that supper fatty teflon bullet.

  • Amen, my sister. I think that – *stomach makes weird squelching sound* Uh oh – I’ve gotta go!

  • You know, its the simple things in life that make it worthwhile…

  • Beverly&3rd

    cute site.

  • My personal favourite euphemism has always been the one I picked up when I was on the phone with a friend and he announced “look, I gotta go. the rat’s poking his head out.”

  • boot camp. couldn’t poop for two weeks. ate like a rhino with a tapeworm (but very, very quickly– under the gun, y’know). no idea where it went. dooce speaks deep, deep truths with few words. i worship her.

  • GeekGirl

    With all the obvious computer geeks around here, I’m surprised no one has mentioned the two euphemisms GeekBoy and I use:

    1. “I’ve gotta go download.”

    2.”I was logging off.”

  • This is completely off topic, but…

    I’ve been bragging on you and turning on others to you, and one of the things I loved on the old Dooce was your Women Who Make Me Question My Sexual Persuasion series, especially Kirsten (Leaves me hurtin’) Dunst. I tried to find it in The Wayback Machine, to no avail.

    Do you still have these? Can you make them available on your new site? I bet a lot of your newer enthusiasts would appreciate those examples of your design skills.

    Thanks for being you. You are one of my top daily reads.

  • Ha sickos. This is great and I am laughing so hard Im almost crying.

    Oh and Dooce, I heard today that Fred Durst stole your woman Britney. wtf?

  • Eva

    Just finished reading entire archives since you have been back….glad to see it, you slay me!

    And about the pooping thing, I find that as you get older you apreciate it more 😉

  • PD

    I think it was in the movie “Rat Race” when one of the kids yells, “but Mommmmm, I’m prarie-dogging it!!!”

  • Irk

    I think “out damn poop” has been my favorite so far.

    Dooce, you do realize that I’m going to think of you every time I poop for at least the next week?

  • I always enjoy “dropping the kids off at the pool”.

  • More colloquialisms:

    1) Riding the porcelein Honda

    2) Launching the shuttlecraft

    3) Letting the monkeys free!

  • da

    torpedos away!

  • da

    don’t you hate it when you’re walking the dog and he stops to take his daily dump, he glances your way and catches you watching him and you get “the” look that says, “what the fuck is wrong with you? turn around you sicko”

  • now that was funny! huh he

  • flashy

    I’ve never been able to poop on any public restroom, I actually admire those who don’t give a shit, ironic huh?

  • 95+ comments coming from a five word post has _got_ to be a record of some kind…

  • I have a friend whose 8 month old daughter is potty trained…. It’s both amazingly cool and disturbingly freaky. And that’s the scoop, poop!

  • Natasha

    My favorite pooping story involves my best friend. Her two-year-old little boy’s favorite pasttime is to flush objects down the toilet. Last week, he flushed three of the family’s toothbrushes down the can. The toilet was clogged all day. Her mother was babysitting the children the next day, and, despite the clogged toilet…she took a shit. When my friend came home, she had to reach her hand up, THROUGH THE SHIT, to yank out the toothbrushes. Totally gross. All I had to say to her was, “Better you than me!” Needless to say, she wanted to kill her mother. 🙂

  • When the owner of a local store saw my boyfriend and me eyeing some licorice, he told us the blue raspberry made his poop turn blue. We bought the peach instead.

  • too much coffee, right as the buzz kicks in

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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