An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Careless Whispers

Aside from the fact that this is maddeningly brilliant (link via TMN), and I’ve played it probably a good four dozen times since I downloaded it yesterday, it has completely thrown me into a mid-eighties reverie wherein I cannot stop thinking of the following:

1. Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies, two at a time. Grape Shasta afterward.

2. Spending entire days during summer vacation watching Clue on VHS over and over again, knowing how it ended but still suspecting Miss Scarlet every single time.

3. The sound of my parents fighting in the next room.

4. My 13-yr old brother chasing me around the living room couch, stopping suddenly like he was about to give up, and spitting a gigantic wad of warm phlegm across the room onto my right cheek. Me screaming.

5. The girl up the street with the gigantic boobs. She was two years younger than I was, and in order to compete I had to wear a padded bra, one that made my 10-yr old, 80-pound body look like it had been overrun by uneven alien mole hills.

6. My dad’s dramatic crush on Loni Anderson.

7. Pictures of Andy Gibb, John Stamos and Scott Baio splattered over every inch of my sister’s bedroom walls.

8. Smurfs.

9. Pulling up to soccer practice in that goddamn beige Ford Taurus.

10. Courtney Smith, Courtney Carrington, Courtney Price, Courtney Dees, Courtney Nelson.

11. The dream I had about being trapped in a burning building, about to succumb to the smoke and flames when David Hasselhoff and KITT show up to my resuce.

12. My brother trying to pull his socks off by the toes, giving up halfway through and walking around with them just like that, halfway on/halfway off, all day long.

13. The smell of Pond’s Cold Cream in the morning as my mother took off her eye makeup.

14. Matching my socks to my turquoise Converse hightops. Pinch-rolling my Lee jeans.

15. Hardee’s.

16. Sitting in my father’s lap before school, listening to Air Supply and rocking back and forth, hearing him whisper in my ear, why won’t your mother come back to me?

17. Hall and Oates.

18. My sister’s hairdo, which I think I can safely blame for the death of my first goldfish.

19. My “Love Boat” themed Trapper Keeper.

20. My first triumphant completion of Pitfall.

  • i think that the reason i have never enjoyed nintendo or sega or sony video games is because i can’t use an atari 2600 joystick. i swear that i could sit down with one today and flip asteroids on my first go.

    and cory, i fucking LOVED mannequin. if i was gay, i would want to be full-on, polka-dotted cadilac, hollywood montrose gay.

  • The Other Erika

    OMG – Garbage Pail Kids!

    My gramps used to bang my cabbage patch babies on a table as anesthetic and used a hand drill to make a hole for a pacifier.

  • Shawn

    Reading this makes me think of the elusive Pogo-Ball. My mom wouldn’t let me have one because she was pretty sure I would bust my head! (probably right)

  • “Easy Lover” as it should be, as far as I’m concerned. I think they should do “Relax” next.

    Alright, is anyone else cursing right now for having been exposed to the internet Pitfall?

  • Kate the Great

    Syrinx: I still have my charm necklaces–one is fluorescent orange and the other is fluorescent pink, and both are dripping with charms. Periodically I take them out and think about bringing back such a truly awesome fad. One of these days…

  • Hairspray, bangs that deifed gravity to loom several inches above my forehead. Enormous gold earrings.

  • Defied gravity, not deified. Not a bad typo, mind you.

  • * “Moonlighting”
    * Black lipstick
    * Cheez Whiz on white bread sandwiches
    * Billy Idol’s “Dancing with Myself” video with those freaky zombies — I hate zombies!
    * My kick-ass 8-track, dual-cassette, record player stereo system
    * “When Doves Cry”
    * ABC Afterschool Specials. I loved the one with the then unknown young Calista Flockhart as a bulimic girl who would hide jars of vomit in her closet
    AND finally
    * The movie “Just One of the Guys” which was a poignant and touching story of a young woman’s journey to self-discovery and growth…. Yeah, um basically she was a hot chick who dressed like a guy to win a journalism contest and won up falling in the love with the school nerd. *sigh* Now that’s good cinema!

  • I was about 2 years old. Not alot to remember 🙂

  • Shawn

    The Calista Flockhart after school special was good, but do you remember the one where Helen Hunt smoked PCP and jumped out the window?

  • Transformers…More than meets the eye!
    G.I. Joe…Knowing is half the battle!
    Thunder, Thunder, Thunder Cats…HOOOOOO!

  • Strange how we’ve already become nostalgic for the ’80s — it wasn’t that long ago, was it?

    What a great era for pop culture: Back to the Future (best movie ever!), ColecoVision (Zaxxon ruled), and more Swatches than I really needed.

  • Oh, how I tried to ape Martha Quinn’s style! Off the shoulder shirts, blue, purple and red color scheme clothing, complete with oversized earrings in the same colors, and jelly shoes, of course. I *loathed* the Cabbage Patch dolls, Smurfs and Rainbow Brite. Very creepy that grown men collect Smurfs now (reminds me of an article in The Onion, where an antique appraiser complains about how he finds himself constantly appraising peoples’ damned Smurf collections, but I digress).

  • PJ

    Turning 30, having a baby, buying our first house, quitting my job to watch said baby. Cripes, you people make me feel old.
    I’m upset my boyfriend Daryl is way down on the list at #17. He is still Smurftastic!

  • The Dukes of Hazzard – specifically Daisy Duke, her cut-off jeans, buttoned-down shirt (two sizes too small) and heaving bosomage.

  • The Fall Guy – specifically Jody Banks, her cut-off jeans, buttoned-down shirt (two sizes too small) and heaving bosomage.

  • Damn, Alex. Just One of the Guys. I’d forgotten all about that movie. Loved it!

  • The A-Team – specifically Amy Allen, her cut-off jeans, buttoned-down shirt (two sizes too small) and heaving bosomage.

  • PD

    tv I could never miss:
    -You Can’t Do That On Television
    -Jem and the Holograms
    -He-Man and She-Ra
    -Care Bears
    -Reading Rainbow

    some fashion:
    -slap bracelets
    -biker shorts (gee, i hope i wasn’t the only one)
    -brown loafers with rolled up jeans

  • moose

    Oof. About peed in my pants listening to that.

    Little Feat. DEVO. B52s. Jeans completely covered in patches. God, this is making my brain ache.

  • uh, monorail mike, i know it doesn’t seem that long ago, but 1983 – ya know, smurfs and van halen jump, and return of the jedi, and family ties, and flashdance, and jane fonda – that was 20 years ago man. twenty.

  • Better than bike shorts were my hot pink spandex capri pants, with a palm tree on the bottom of one leg. In seventh grade one day I had paired them with an oversized green t-shirt with one side through of those t-shirt buckle things and my neon paint-splatter keds. Some girl asked me if I was dressed up for nerd day for spirit week. Of course I wasn’t. I was so damn cool.

    Kate the Great – now is the time to bring back the charm necklaces! I wish I still had mine…

  • Oooh…. Kaepa, KangaRoo and Lotto sneakers, Pac-Man, side ponytails, ribbon barrettes and Bonne Belle Lipsmakers!

    I still have my plastic charm necklaces and my Swatch watches.

  • i hated to comment because the comment tally was at 69, and i’m just juvenile enough to want to leave that alone and just giggle at it.

    anyway, as far as afterschool specials go, i defy you to top: dinky hocker shoots smack.

    can’t do it.

    just. can’t. do. it.

  • Kat

    Greatest American Hero. Who doesn’t love a high school teacher in tights and a cape? You know you do.

  • Arex

    monchichi monchichi oh so soft and cuddely…ha ha ha happy happy monchichi

    ..and that’s one to grow on

  • man, i loved those garbage-pail kids. i had the greatest collection ever…complete sets and everything. my mom hated them. she snuck into my room one night and threw them all away. i finally got her to admit to it 15 years later.

  • filter

    You have no idea how much crap I took in college for listening to and actually liking Hall & Oates. Nowadays I would call it a guilty pleasure, but the fact is I truly dig songs like Private Eyes, Sara Smile, So Close and She’s Gone.

  • kgjbnme

    all of the above…

    plus that summer of me & my sister watching “Labyrinth”, “Arsenic and Old Lace”, and “The Parent Trap” again. and again. and again. and again. and again. and again.

    and again.

  • I can’t believe no one has mentioned parachute pants. And parental fear that you’d break your neck break dancing. And Breakin’ the movie. Or those Star Wars toys that were the ultimate status symbol. I was sooo envious of the kid with the Millenium Falcon.

  • Irk

    Oooh, I loved my day-glo spandex shorts. I had one pair in all green, and one black pair with hot pink stripes down the sides.

    Cinching my t-shirt with a scrunchee (scrunchy? hair thingy?).

    Bass moccasins with the laces coiled up so you don’t have to tie them and no socks.

    “I learned it from watching you!”

  • There’s all this weird sadness in your list, family angst and phlegm. Whose mom takes off eye makeup in the morning? Did anyone who left an “I Love the 80’s” VH1-style comment read your post at all?

    Oh, and Joe Millionaire looks like David Hasselhoff.

  • matty

    voltron. go-bots. wrist-racers

  • cat

    spending the summers in my swimsuit (and wearing a towel indoors so that Mom wouldn’t yell about damp chairs). green chlorine hair. popples. charm necklaces. He Man and She Ra. hating the thought of going to school in the fall, but being consoled with a new TrapperKeeper replete with a hot pink unicorn on the front. that horribly annoying boy who couldn’t keep himself from snapping the back of my bra. double-layered, two-toned socks. bangs.

  • General Hospital … the marriage of Luke & Laura (which followed the rape of Laura by Luke by about 12 months)

    And All My Kids … I hated Erica even when she was a teenager … and was in love with Jeff.

  • Well, I have run through the list, and cannot believe this will be the first mentioning of… PARACHUTE PANTS!!!!

  • se

    Members Only jackets, MTV–Kajagoogoo(ugh), Split Enz(yeah), Big Country, Bananarama– jeri curl, Esprit clothes, “Breakfast Club, my first heavy, clunky Walkman, cruising in a small west TX town, French vanilla cherry lime cokes at Sonic, Double Bouble bubble gum.

  • se

    Thinking and spelling. Double Bubble bubble gum–esp. green apple. Vans, Ropers, 9 West. American Band Stand and Solid Gold.

  • oops. i almost forgot: watching ìDegrassi Junior Highî on PBS and thinking Canadians were strange, strange creatures.

  • Ralph Furley’s rose motif shirt.

  • Stacey: I’m with you (not on the Hasslehoff-Joe Millionaire thing, but the rest). So, good and bad:

    A Smurfs-themed birthday party where I couldn’t play the “find the peanut” game cause I helped hide ’em, and I couldn’t have the good prizes even if I won the games, but I had pin the tail on the Smurf, and a Smurfy birthday cake (favorite Smurf: Handy).

    The very vague memories of my father at the front door with all of his belongings in paper grocery bags, the last time I ever saw him.

    Oh, and check out my link for Hasslehoff goodness. Read the reviews at the bottom of the page.

  • Ah yes, the lovely trouble-free kids of Degrassi. They definitely hold a special place in my heart:

  • Irk

    And I almost forgot, Canadian Sesame Street, for us border state-ers.

    And changing the channels using a pair of needlenose pliers. Or maybe that was just us.

  • anna


    and braces.
    and i was 5 inches taller than all the boys in my grade.

    but i did have some fly izod shirts that i wore with the collar turned up.

  • River Raid.
    Stone in Love.
    Live Aid.
    Pink shirts.
    No socks.
    Mullets everywhere.
    Huey Lewis and the News.
    Hair. Hair. Hair. Big hair.
    Dance Party USA.
    Club MTV.

  • * Dukes of Hazzard
    * Silver Spoons – man I wanted a house with a train in it!
    * that gum in the toothpaste tube
    * He-Man
    * GoBot watches
    * Capri-Sun

  • deadking


  • oh crap, monchichi. yikes!

    dubble bubble is not gone, my dears! we have a BUCKET containing 360 individually wrapped pieces of dubble bubble here at work. sick, i know. just like back that, it loses it’s flavour after about 3 minutes. (:

  • onegirl

    Has anyone mentioned tie-dye yet? Or maybe that was just a throw-back from the 70’s…

  • 411

    Cory Hart…. I wear my sunglasses at night… oooh and Relax, don’t do it… oh so funny.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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