the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Blaming Mr. Whipple

Although it’s not expressly covered in the Constitution or the Bill of Rights, and I’m not sure that a jury would ever hear my case if I tried to sue, I still maintain that I have a natural born right to use as much toilet paper as I goddamn well please.

And it’s not that I use an exorbitant amount of toilet paper in the first place. I grew up in the 80s, and so I know that wasting natural resources such as toilet paper will only make our country more vulnerable to a communist invasion.

I’d say that I’m a moderate-to-occasionally-excessive tiolet paper user, and I’ve tried to cut back on the waddage in recent years. It’s just, there are some sessions of congress, for lack of a better phrase, that require more than two squares of absorbent cotton wipes.

cha cha cha charmin

And what I don’t understand is how some men expect women to use as little toilet paper as they do, when all a man has to do is a little flicking or shaking of the dew off the lily, as it were, to de-moisten after urination. I don’t even think that most men fully grasp the notion that women have to sit down everytime we use the restroom. God help us all if men had to sit down everytime they had to wee wee; I’d never see my husband again.

So we’re sitting around the dinner table last night at my mom’s house, and somehow this whole topic comes up, and I can’t help but point out that I’m always the one replacing the toilet paper roll. And my mom totally understands because she doesn’t think my step-father even uses toilet paper, and if he does it’s only one to two squares per day, the horror!

And my Granny, who’s sitting across the table eating chicken and dumplings, she can’t stand conflict, so she jumps to the men’s defense, “Wait a minute, y’all look here, all you need is this much,” and she measures a tiny space between her wrist and her elbow. This is coming from a woman who not only saves empty Cool Whip� tubs but also stashes them under her bed in preparation for the second coming of Jesus Christ.

And the thing is, Granny grew up in the depression. It’s a well known fact that people had smaller poops during the depression, and therefore needed less toilet paper. People today have new millenium-sized bowel movements, specimens fueled by Code Red Mountain Dew and industrial strength licorice Nibs�. Our poops are so big that the free market has provided at least two dozen brands for all our wiping needs. In the economy of poop, it’s totally a buyer’s market.

And as long as I have a choice among all those brands, as long as I can buy toilet paper in packs of 78 rolls, which admittedly can be a bit cumbersome when the only place left to stash them is in the crisper, I’ll be lobbying for The Right To Wipe My Ass With Wreckless Abandon Act, a law that would make it illegal for a husband to look astonished when the new toilet paper roll he just retreived from the closet disappears in less than two hours.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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