Heater, Mother of Lance

A Selection of Recent, Random and Wholly Unrelated Observations, Volume II

The only reason to pass up an entire all-access day pass at the Sundance Film Festival is the season premiere of “American Idol.”

That my father and my step-father can hold a 30-min telephone conversation about cars and tools and those lovely blonde twins that make my sister’s life a daily three-ring circus, that they can laugh and engage in criminally civil banter over long-distance lines, that they love each other and call every other week to make sure the other is doing okay, that is a remarkable thing.

One’s dog shouldn’t smell better than one’s own armpits.

A Diet Coke will not counteract nor eliminate a grilled cheese sandwich with french fries and chocolate cake.

Dustin Hoffman is shorter than my 11-yr old niece.

Sometimes you have to accept your family, no matter how inconvenient or frizzy-haired or insistent that they stick their fingers up your dog’s nose.

Snow is totally overrated.

Rachel Weisz is the best British import since Liam Gallagher, and people, Liam and I go back a looooonnnngg way.

I never knew my nose was capable of such boogers.

I thought Ed Burns was cool, until he showed up to that question and answer session in a beret and denim shirt.

Sometimes a woman needs to be reminded that she is the luckiest woman in the world, that men don’t usually come in such freakishly wonderful packages as he came.

92 Comments
  • TAREQ

    2003/01/21 at 8:23 pm

    why my life not go to good? if i try to make good thing

  • dooce

    2003/01/21 at 8:28 pm

    tareq: that is the most beautiful comment ever.

  • Paul Himself

    2003/01/21 at 8:31 pm

    Sometimes nonsense is the most honest emotion.

  • the mighty jimbo

    2003/01/21 at 8:38 pm

    how dooce was not nominated for a bloggie is beyond the scope of reason

  • jen

    2003/01/21 at 8:58 pm

    dooce needs no awards to tell her she rules.

    although it is hard to believe she wasn’t nominated. . .

    i nominate dooce for the golden poop award.

  • dooce

    2003/01/21 at 9:19 pm

    jen: if i won the golden poop award, that would be, like, the best day of my life.

  • vibegrrl

    2003/01/21 at 9:29 pm

    wha? AMERICAN IDOL? OVER SUNDANCE?!

    There MUST be a 12-step for this Dooce…

  • Slocore

    2003/01/21 at 9:42 pm

    I’d still like to smell your armpits Dooce.

  • scot-on-the-rocks

    2003/01/21 at 10:44 pm

    Diet Coke is for soda pussies… Try the original diet beverage TAB…it will eliminate any foreign substance from your body. Sorry, it does not terminate unwanted pregnancy!

  • April

    2003/01/21 at 10:54 pm

    I am in total agreement with the mighty Jimbo about Dooce and the Bloggies.

  • Somelier

    2003/01/21 at 10:55 pm

    Dooce needs a Tivo. Why pass up anything?

    But if you’re home . . checkout laid off on the Sundance online festival (by OddTodd).

  • pretty_paranoia

    2003/01/21 at 10:58 pm

    mmmm….french fries & chocolate cake

  • Kelledy

    2003/01/21 at 11:06 pm

    yeah, french fries and chocolate cake are great! Dooce, you rock, too!

  • Desiree

    2003/01/21 at 11:35 pm

    …if you won’t take the time to do something right, when can you make the time to do it over?

  • Deadking

    2003/01/22 at 1:32 am

    Slocore is gross

  • Igor

    2003/01/22 at 3:21 am

    Someday Dooce will show up in Leno and Letterman and/or Conan O’Brien.
    Bloggies eat your heart out.
    Anyone out there think there’s a market for Dooce merchandise ? Artificial poop, a robot Chuckles, Dooce tp (extra large rolls for the woman who already has everything but _not quite_). Dooce in Playboy… the possibilities are endless.

  • Rickster

    2003/01/22 at 3:33 am

    I’m With Igor, you could have Dooce t-shirts, Dooce coffee mugs, etc. Seriously, check out Mr. Crunchy’s site http://www.mistercrunchy.com, he has a merchandise link (cafepress) that sells mistercrunchy.com stuff. It’s all outsourced too, he just gave the designs to cafepress and reaps the profits. And when I wear my mistercrunchy T-shirt when we play cards, it freaks him out!!

  • the husband

    2003/01/22 at 4:11 am

    You sick fuckers get within 3 miles of my wife’s armpits and I will fucking take you.

  • Benjy

    2003/01/22 at 4:31 am

    Yeah, coffee mugs or t-shirts with some of dooce’s logos would be cool!

  • antisocial diva

    2003/01/22 at 5:28 am

    ahhh, american idol WAS wonderful!

  • drew

    2003/01/22 at 5:41 am

    did rickster just totally post a commercial??

  • dave

    2003/01/22 at 5:56 am

    We need to clarify terms. I’m quite sure I’m not the only one who “nominated” Dooce for at least one Bloggie. The travesty here is that she didn’t make the final cut.

  • pam

    2003/01/22 at 6:16 am

    dooce should have won a bloggie. dustin hofman is too short for anything except to be used as a doorstop and anyone who drinks Tab, scot, should have his head examined. it tastes like shit.

  • spike

    2003/01/22 at 6:22 am

    A Diet Coke will not counteract nor eliminate a grilled cheese sandwich with french fries and chocolate cake.
    damn. i wish that diet coke was really some sort of calorie eating acid. *sigh*

    p.s. dooce – are you for good or for awesome?

  • Sarah B.

    2003/01/22 at 6:33 am

    I know I nominated the fuck out of her. What happened?

  • Angelique

    2003/01/22 at 6:34 am

    come to think of it, when i was working in orlando, i fitted henry winkler for a suit, and damn is he ever short too!!

    two of my fav bits of wisdom:

    Don’t shit where you eat.

    Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes way down to the bone.

    .. rock on dooce.

  • sx70.blogspot.com

    2003/01/22 at 7:08 am

    if it weren’t so early, i’d make a comment about coming in a package.

  • speedo

    2003/01/22 at 7:09 am

    Speaking of the blind reminds me, especially after yesterday’s thought provoking theme, of a joke passed (pun) from father to son in my family, which is:
    Why do farts smell? So the deaf can enjoy them too! Thank you and have a pleasant day.

  • the mighty jimbo

    2003/01/22 at 7:09 am

    i swear it’s a travesty. were they doing the nominations in south florida? where is that french judge? who do i have to sleep with to get dooce on the ballot?

  • Mb.

    2003/01/22 at 7:13 am

    Not to say dooce don’t deserve being crushed by a mountain of awards, but the bloggies rules *have* been changed, and by the new rules, dooce ain’t eligible.

  • numbhead

    2003/01/22 at 7:14 am

    I keep getting boogers and bloggers mixed up. Am I dyslexic?

  • Ralph

    2003/01/22 at 7:15 am

    Heh. She said “package.”

  • shy

    2003/01/22 at 7:23 am

    dooce’s bearded husband is damn sexy.

    my random thought of the day.

  • peggy

    2003/01/22 at 7:33 am

    I nominated the fuck out of you AND Sarah B., but please don’t poke fun at Dustin Hoffman.

  • Rebecca

    2003/01/22 at 7:43 am

    i feel sorry for my dog. she smells way worse than my armpit =\

  • the propagandist

    2003/01/22 at 7:49 am

    dj blurb is so very cute when he’s protective…

    but i think you should worry more about the sick fuckers trying to smell your dog.

  • April

    2003/01/22 at 7:58 am

    Sarah B., that sounded so dirty. Do it again.

  • pamk

    2003/01/22 at 8:00 am

    armpit is my least favorite word. dustin hofman stands eye to eye with sylvester stalone who is shorter than his dick.

  • ME

    2003/01/22 at 8:23 am

    Bah! Rachel Weisz is a poor man’s (or woman’s) Kate Winslet.

  • lola

    2003/01/22 at 8:26 am

    can’t believe no one has freaked out about the ed burns beret and denim combo yet! forget the armpits and gigantuan boogers…i’m having walking nightmares about the fucking beret. it didn’t have one of those little stem-thingers on the top, did it? cuz those are just evil.

  • Sarah B.

    2003/01/22 at 8:27 am

    I want to be the poor man’s something.

  • Kerry

    2003/01/22 at 8:28 am

    Wisdom:

    It’s really fun to say the word “moist” with a lot of salival buildup in your mouth. As in, “moirhsscht”.

    The same goes for the word “penis”.

  • se

    2003/01/22 at 8:50 am

    Dooce, how did your father and step-father manage to become friends?! That is a remarkable thing. And it’s the nicest thing I’ve heard (read) today.

    I sympathize on the booger front. I get shrapnel-class boogers when I’m in SLC or west tx. And they misfire when I blow into kleenex–something about odd aerodynamics. Anyway they don’t always hit the kleenex target and I have to do a mirror check for them on my chin and shirt. Lovely.

  • Cody

    2003/01/22 at 8:57 am

    Random Comments:

    Booger size is a function of dust. Since you’ve moved to Utah, expect a sizeable increase.

    C’mon. Rachael Weisz totally blows away Kate Winslet.

    You’re just kidding about American Idol and Sundance, right? Huh?

    Diet Coke was not created to counteract anything. It simply *is*.

  • Summer

    2003/01/22 at 9:14 am

    Wow. I’m with you on that one April. Sarah B. please tell us you got that on video. I think I felt a tingle.

  • El Guapo

    2003/01/22 at 9:17 am

    Which is more gratifying? The butt yawn after seeing a man about a horse (a euphamism unmentioned the other day, I believe)and completing a substantial transaction, OR when you remove a booger which, unbeknownst to you, was wearing a wedding gown, the train of which extending up into the frontal lobes of your brain?

  • Danika

    2003/01/22 at 9:26 am

    Unrelated observation:

    My 9 month old niece is the cutest thing on earth and is fuckin addictive

  • Heather #2

    2003/01/22 at 9:27 am

    It amazes me that you can blog the strangest fucking shit. And no, the amazing part is that your readers can actually respond with stranger shit. You are my fucking idol and I will one day truly earn the title “Heather #2”. (P.S. I love your husband. It’s so sweet that he’d fucking kill anyone within three miles of your armpits. I want that.)

  • Sheila

    2003/01/22 at 9:29 am

    A booger wearing a gown/train…. Damn that’s funny. It’s like the poop/Play Doh Fun Factory analogy from “Happiness is..” .

  • christine

    2003/01/22 at 9:34 am

    Ok, so your sister has blonde twins? They’re different (I imagine younger) than the blonde twins that were on American Idol last night? They were amazing!

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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