An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Blaming Mr. Whipple

Although it’s not expressly covered in the Constitution or the Bill of Rights, and I’m not sure that a jury would ever hear my case if I tried to sue, I still maintain that I have a natural born right to use as much toilet paper as I goddamn well please.

And it’s not that I use an exorbitant amount of toilet paper in the first place. I grew up in the 80s, and so I know that wasting natural resources such as toilet paper will only make our country more vulnerable to a communist invasion.

I’d say that I’m a moderate-to-occasionally-excessive tiolet paper user, and I’ve tried to cut back on the waddage in recent years. It’s just, there are some sessions of congress, for lack of a better phrase, that require more than two squares of absorbent cotton wipes.

cha cha cha charmin

And what I don’t understand is how some men expect women to use as little toilet paper as they do, when all a man has to do is a little flicking or shaking of the dew off the lily, as it were, to de-moisten after urination. I don’t even think that most men fully grasp the notion that women have to sit down everytime we use the restroom. God help us all if men had to sit down everytime they had to wee wee; I’d never see my husband again.

So we’re sitting around the dinner table last night at my mom’s house, and somehow this whole topic comes up, and I can’t help but point out that I’m always the one replacing the toilet paper roll. And my mom totally understands because she doesn’t think my step-father even uses toilet paper, and if he does it’s only one to two squares per day, the horror!

And my Granny, who’s sitting across the table eating chicken and dumplings, she can’t stand conflict, so she jumps to the men’s defense, “Wait a minute, y’all look here, all you need is this much,” and she measures a tiny space between her wrist and her elbow. This is coming from a woman who not only saves empty Cool Whip� tubs but also stashes them under her bed in preparation for the second coming of Jesus Christ.

And the thing is, Granny grew up in the depression. It’s a well known fact that people had smaller poops during the depression, and therefore needed less toilet paper. People today have new millenium-sized bowel movements, specimens fueled by Code Red Mountain Dew and industrial strength licorice Nibs�. Our poops are so big that the free market has provided at least two dozen brands for all our wiping needs. In the economy of poop, it’s totally a buyer’s market.

And as long as I have a choice among all those brands, as long as I can buy toilet paper in packs of 78 rolls, which admittedly can be a bit cumbersome when the only place left to stash them is in the crisper, I’ll be lobbying for The Right To Wipe My Ass With Wreckless Abandon Act, a law that would make it illegal for a husband to look astonished when the new toilet paper roll he just retreived from the closet disappears in less than two hours.

  • of course we could always do this….

  • EC

    And I live with a man who sees 5 rolls of toilet paper and says that will last ’til next week. All I can say to that is “I’m not using newspaper again!”

  • * Toilet paper goes over the top. Fuck Miss Manners.

    * I swear I never drank out of my grandparents bidet. Don’t believe ANY of them. (though yes I’ll admit playing in it.)

    * Of course we blow our nose in our hands while showering. Steam loosens everything up and if you don’t get it in your hands it gets all over you which is REALLY disgusting, nevermind the problems associated with handling tissue with wet hands. – And forget the one nostril shotgun technique onto the floor. That’ll get you lynched.

    * I always sugested a novel approach to TP usage. Use both sides.

  • I hear ya, anna, twat is a funny word. twat twat twat. now, number two is a different story. That requires not only a wiping, but a WET wiping of the toilet seat before THE SIT. And then a drying layer, then a toilet seat cover as procedure.

  • anna

    Have you noticed that petrol pumps always spill a few drops after you’ve finished pressing the trigger? Your hose must have been designed by the same man.

    The sphincter muscle the pinches the urethra muscle closed is about eight inches from the tip of your penis, so some urine is trapped in front of it. If a few shakes doesn’t prevent your from dotting your trousers, you can use a technique called urethal milking.

    Simply run your finger along the underside of your penis to force out any remaining liquid. A study in the British Journal of Urology found that this little trick reduced post-pee dribble by nearly 30 percent.

    from here:

  • animatordude

    I use a sponge, clean, clean, squeeky clean

  • Chauvinist, we ladies poop flowers and fart perfume. I thought you knew.

  • Wipe girl wipe. stuff the bowl full of paper goodness and kick restraint out the door. Who knows how long it will last.

  • Your Correction Officer

    Actually, pee is very sanitary. It’s sterile when it first comes out, but attracts bacteria like a motherfucker once it’s there. One of the things we learned in army training was that you can pee on any wounds you have in order to sterilize them as the acid kills any infection and random bacteria. So let ‘er rip!

  • Your Correction Officer

    Oh, and technically you can also drink your own urine if it hasn’t been out too long if you dont have any fresh water. Supress that gag reflex!

  • Angelique

    anna, you are a goddess, i am so a fan of you right now. i’m so going to take this info to the chaps in my life. rock on sistah!!!

  • My plumber yelled at me for using those baby wipes and putting them in the toilet after he snaked the lines; so, it’s toilet paper unlimited in our house. And an aside to The Mighty Jimbo — those locks are nothing to open on those new toilet paper limiting mechanisms. Just stick a penknife in there and turn, the cover will pop off, take the whole goddamned roll out, and use as much as you can. Of course, don’t take the roll with you like some morons do — but that’s the subject of another blog.

  • Nothing, and I mean NOTHING takes the edge off of having to work on a holiday like the phrase “It’s a well known fact that people had smaller poops during the depression”. Mad propz 2 da dooce, yo.

  • WhatEVER you do… not keep mentholated kleenex on the back of the toilet. It doesn’t feel so good on the bottom system should the tp run out.

  • i dont understand what you are talking about. i dont need to wipe my ass, because im so hott.

  • Broniomatic

    I always used to squat in all toilets that weren’t my own as it seems gross. My mum says that squatting is worse than sitting though, as you can’t actually catch anything from toilet seats and if you squat it doesn’t release everything and you end up being a piddley old lady who can’t control her bladder. I have to admit I still end up squatting in some situations though.

  • In some instances, yes, squatting is necessary, but also necessary is cleaning up after yourself–HELLO! That’s just good manners.

    In all instances, the TP should come over the top of the roll.

  • lee

    Ok, so could we go back to something Shy said? I quote:

    “an average human being will poop 2-4 times a day.”

    Does anybody else disagree? Because if that’s the case, I am way below average. Do you think it has something to do with those five extra inches I mysteriously acquired ? Like some sort of balancing issue?

    Oh, and um…Keneumey – how groovy of you to have provided that link (the peeing standing up one). I’ve been looking for it. For no particular reason, of course.

  • stinky

    I think 2-4 times a day is average if one is a professional salmonella taster.

  • SnarkyPup

    Everything has bacteria in it! Do you really think you live in a sterile world violated only by guys too clueless to get all the pee out of their weiner?

  • anna

    snarkypup –

    i posted that for angelique. she took issue with ‘jiggling the dew”.

    my problem isn’t with bacteria – it’s with having to WIPE UP someone else’s piss off the toilet seat because THEY are either too afraid of bacteria or just plain old too slobbish to do it themselves.

    i have very little to do with men’s bathrooms – thank god – and my honey manages to pee quite neatly.

    besides – i bite my fingernails – and if that doesn’t provide bacteria a chance to invade my system nothing does.

  • Natasha

    Oh yeah, I use way too much t.p. My fiance has started saying that he will make me buy the toilet paper for the next three months if I don’t use less. I told him I’m doing the best I can. I also am guilty of leaving the empty t.p. roll on the thingy. One of these days, the fiance is going to start calling me a man.

  • Michele

    Okay, I can’t believe I’m sharing this but I just have to know if this has ever happened to anyone else. If it hasn’t I know you all will just forget I said anything!
    Ladies, did you ever pee really fast, wipe really fast, drop it in the toilet…but then get up too fast so that half the tp sticks between your butt cheeks and the other half is already dangling in the water and you don’t realize it because you were in such a rush to get off the toilet that you pulled your pants up and now everything is wet (pants, butt, delicates, etc)? Anybody?
    And yes, I too like Scott tissue only. That soft stuff leaves fuzzies and cloggs the septic.

  • My girlfriend wads it up so much that she looks like she’s wearing white boxing gloves before she wipes.

  • I know there are men out there that use more than us. I once dated a man who NEVER made it out of the bathroom before me. When I finally asked why he explained that he had to layer the toilet seat three times in toilet paper before he sat down. Which either means that he always sat or he’s one of those 2-4 times a day shitters.

  • An entire roll in 2 hours? Sorry, but I have to side with hubby on this one. That’s a bit much. Two hours. You could measure that in TP squares per minute!

  • jackie

    My roomies and I went through 24 rolls in two weeks….I totally know what you mean.

  • Um, what about the issue of people not FLUSHING their toilet paper?!?!? I know more than one person who would be aghast that we flush the paper instead of putting in the trash (be it blessed with #1 OR #2 or otherwise…)

    I, for one, was horrified…

  • Horrifed, that is, to find out that some people put their TP in THE TRASH!!!

  • Red

    Speaking of sitting down everytime in the restroom…anyone else seen “About Schmidt”? It’s a beaut.

    Anna – I’m with ya on everything especially “coochie lint”.

  • Ken

    Doocinator, you are such a whack. 🙂

  • PD

    vibe, maybe they’re afraid of potential clogging situations?

    my roommate and i easily went through a roll a day in college. the only thing you’d find in our bathroom trashcan were carboard tubes. our plunger was our best friend.

  • This is the most entertaining thing I’ve read in a long time. And dammit I agree whole-heartedly.

  • Desiree

    Fucking brilliant!

  • My problem is with people who don’t wash their hands after they use the bathroom. And if you pay attention when you’re in a public restroom, it’s always the really girly sorority-types, too.

  • GK

    I have no problem with a woman using all the toilet tissue she deems necessary. Whatever it takes to get the job done.

    My gripe with toilet tissue is this: Why softly scented? The last time I noticed, none of my olfactory nerve endings were located in my anus. If I need to freshen the air, I’ll spray Lysol or Glade. I don’t need the added expense of perfume in my bathroom paper.

  • I totally noticed this around the office. We have 4 guys and 3 women, and we all share a bathroom. And it seems to happen all the time that I (or another office female) go into the bathroom and sit down and then realize there are only 2 (or possibly 3) squares left on the toilet roll. Now, if I am in the bathroom and use up ALMOST the whole rest of the roll, I normally take a new roll and set it somewhere within reaching distance of the toilet. Guys just don’t seem to think of it. Ahhh, they think, 2 squares left – perfect for the next person. So instead I’m left trying to dab with one layer of tissue and make my way to the cabinet to get a new roll.

  • HRH

    One of the reasons I’m moving back to North America from Central Europe is the toilet paper. Sure, it’s come a long way since the revolution of 1989, but a free market economy does not equal “cotton-y softness.”
    Granted the toilets here are industrial strength, so they can handle the baby wipes. The freakiest thing is that all the paper here is dyed exciting colours, and are priced according to popularity, with pink being the cheapest. Pink paper turns what should be yellow, pink. And that’s just a little freaky.

  • Well, me and the missus get 4 cases of tp delivered on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. (We don’t eat right.)

  • #27 Heather no. 2
    Mummify the Hand.
    Today’s winner, fo sho.

  • bob

    I was told at school once that you should wipe from front to back, cause if you wipe back to front you could end up with a unriny tract infection which aparently hurt like hell.

  • Somewhat related to the blowing nose in the shower thing — big fan. But, it can turn out to be a little gross.

    I was blowing my nose the otehr day when I felt this impressive amount of lung stuff come out of my throat. But, it never hit my hand. Kinda odd, I thought.

    Then, I realized it was stuck in my pubes. Disgusting.

  • anonymous, for reasons made obvious below… so i’ll just ca

    i crapped my droors the other morning and had to take a shower just so i could get everything cleaned off properly – there was *that* much! luckily i hadn’t showered yet so it just wound up being time to shower… but i did try using TP but i’d have gone through at least the rest of the roll and possibly another. plus i got some on the floor, the toilet seat, my shirt, my hands and feet – and obviously my boxers.

    so, the wisdom i have gleaned from this life experience is NOT to “hold it” for too long.

  • drunkn otter

    Lord, I could write so much on this topic:

    Shel: Ass stubble isn’t so bad. Wiping not only becomes easier, but quicker.

    Regarding penis shaking: There aren’t toilet paper dispensers installed at urinals so that’s all that can be done there. Personally, I do that urethral milking thingy, as well as dab if I’m in a stall. How other guys can go around the rest of the day wearing clothes with urine stains (however small) is beyond me.

    Oh, and about women who squat, why not get them to lift the seat if they’re not going to put their ass on anything anyway?

    BTW, doesn’t this post deserve that pic of the sore, red anus that has been mentioned previously (and I failed to see).

  • Irk

    TP must go over the top.

    I agree that mentholated tissue makes for an uncomfortable substitute, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

    I think I’ll hold off on my diatribe on tissue as tp and tp as tissue and the fun paper science involved. Suffice it to say I’m strangely fascinated by how well each type is suited for its purpose, but not for the other.

    What really disturbs me is this new stuff that basically amounts to diaper wipes for adults. They’re pretty nifty, but the remote possibility that they might be cold at the time of use prevents me from investing in a pack.

    And since we’re talking about butts in general, see if you can tell your ass from your elbow:

  • Jen

    Just a note on the wipes..They are great for the, ah, uhm, the moment when your regularity have gone bubeye..

    In other words, to be blunt, they help to prevent ass-burn.

    That is all.


  • Mb.

    Dooce! Called in sick to work today (not that I’m reeeally sick silly, just needed some space to think) and worked a little on my site. Having a damned inconsistent approach to my site, thought I’d check on the folks that do it right. Haven’t been here in an age, so I just spent the last, um – Jesus Fucking Christ! – 3 hours reading every last post. Concentrate hard and you might feel me beaming grinning-like-a-fool-appreciation at you.

    Don’t let the Mormons get you down.

  • lee

    Ok, I came back to clarify a comment I made earlier. It occured to me that when I said, “five extra inches I mysteriously acquired” that nobody knew what I meant. Because I’m a girl and I’m really tall. That’s all I meant. But it just came to me while doing the dishes that someone could take that otherwise. Just to avoid any confusion.

  • I always take toilet paper and drape it over the surface of the water so that it prevents splashing sounds. Yum. 😀

  • galt

    according to Jack Black: if you are a regular metamucil user, you not only will have clockwork poop, but you may also achieve the legendary wipeless poop. the wipeless poop is kind of an urban legend, though, because you will always have to use at least one square, just for confirmation of cleanliness.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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