An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Class of Ninety-Three

Jon and I have been watching this relatively new reality show on the WB called “High School Reunion,” and I hate to even admit this, but it’s the scariest thing I’ve ever seen. I watch it with my hands over my eyes and an emergency whiskey sitting an arm’s length away. I’m sure it’s not supposed to be scary, but my own ten-year high school reunion is later this year, and as I’ve mentioned to Sour Bob who was there in my AP English class when I wrote my final term paper on Joseph Smith and tried to prove through historical documents written by Mormons that the Mormon church was the only true church on earth, no amount of psychotherapy could prepare me for such a return to hell.

For the past couple of years I have had a recurring nightmare that goes like this: I receive a call from someone on the school board from my home town who says that because of a “glitch” in the system, everyone who graduated from my high school in 1993 has to repeat their senior year. It doesn’t matter that I have a college degree, and if I don’t go back and redo my senior year of high school, that college degree becomes null and void. I then begin screaming, usually outloud.

And in this nightmare, as in real life, it’s impossible to imagine a worse scenario. I would rather base jump off a two-story building than relive a single moment of high school. I’d much rather have that dream where you’re being chased by a crocodile as you run around in public naked but for half-socks.

Up until very recently it’s been easy to deny that I was ever the Heather who:
– once believed that Rush Limbaugh was a prophet of God.
– referred to Dan Quayle as “my man in Washington.”
– threw public hissy fits whenever a quiz or a paper came back with a 98 or 99 and not a perfect 100.
– saw Milli Vanilli in concert and believed they were actually singing.
– was reduced to fucking tears when I found out they actually weren’t.
– sang Bette Midler’s “The Rose” solo in front of 300 horrified fellow students.
– took The Cure very seriously.
– totally believed that “to be great is to be misunderstood.”
– frowned incessantly
– constantly told other people that they were being so immature.
– formed a “V” club with three fellow virgins, complete with secret handshake and ID card.
– wore combat boots because it was just so rebellious.
– confessed to my Bishop every time I kissed with tongue.
– said a prayer in my graduation speech because the evil ones were trying to take God out of the schools.
– when asked to submit a quote that said best how I wanted to be remembered chose, “Can’t keep my mind from the circling sky, tongue-tied and twisted just an earthbound misfit, I,” and thought, man, it doesn’t get any deeper than that.
– wore a padded bra
– stalked a certain boy so aggressively that he once spotted me spying on him from behind a tree in his front yard.
– truly believed that the election of Bill Clinton was a sign of the times as outlined in the Book of Revelations.

I could go on and on and perhaps talk about my one gigantic eyebrow or the nappy hair that was long enough to hit my waistline, but I think I’ve adequately illustrated why the majority of my graduating class might not be looking forward to the return of the grumpy, Book of Mormon-wielding vigilante.

  • irk: thanks for the heads up on that. not surprisingly, i take in knowing that I have to spell check Dan Quayle and not Christina Aguilera.

  • – I skipped my high school reunion, and I don’t think I missed much.
    – The “V” clubs at my high school were called “The Untouchables” and “The Undeniables.”
    – While you were writing about the Mormon church in your AP English, I was learning about art history, water music, and ’60s rock music in my AP English class because my teacher was so very hip and liberal that she wore nothing but clothes from the GAP.

  • by the time my 10 year reunion comes around they’ll probably have torn down my high school. and rightfully so. they couldn’t drag me back there for anything. not even a million dollars.

  • You graduated in 93? Wow…that was my first year in college.

    Suddenly, I feel like such an underachiever.

    Then again, my comparatively puny eyebrows never got me any special considerations.

  • tommy

    I was a little ahead of you while all this was going on, and I thought you were pretty nifty. We were all a little strange back then. Some of us got stranger. I have to admit, if I had known about your fascination with limbaugh, I probably would have taken him more seriously. I told you we were all strange then.

  • Jayzus, I sang “You Light Up My Life”. I can’t sing. I had one of those amazing transformations after high school and became what I heard the football god call me at the 5 yr reunion-“a fox”. My best friend and I went suped up on ecstacy which made watching the formerly “cool” people doing the electric slide far more bearable. At the 10 year I took the opportunity to tell L and H that they were mean ass bitches in high school when they went to hug me and tell me how great it was to see me. Ladies, ladies, selective memory is a wonderful thing! My 20 year is in 3 years and I can’t imagine wanting to see the progress of receding hairlines and expanding waistlines. Methinks I will stay home. Great post Dooce. As usual. Floyd, dude.

  • SnarkyPup

    I once played the banjo in front of my entire school at a talent contest.

  • Luckily we had an open bar at my ten year. I went with a few friends that I still talk to, and just sat back and had our own little fun.

    Of course I had just broken my elbow 5 days earlier so I had an instant conversation diverter.

  • At least you can get the new Fabrice Morvan CD in a few days on which he really sings very well…

  • I’m flashing to “Election” and “Michelle and Romi’s High School Reunion”.

    I can’t even bear the thought of reliving the past year of my life, let alone high school.

  • Craniac

    Please include a dorky photo, as opposed to this rather elegant one.

  • a freshman in college

    ahhh…the memories.

  • I’ve resisted adding you to my “links” for a while now, thinking to myself that I have got to quit adding only popular bloggers. But this post put me over the edge…I just can’t resist reading your site every day. It’s popular for a reason…it’s good!

    BTW, I thought I’d hate my 10 year reunion, but I actually had a nice time. You never know…

  • Just for the record, THAT is NOT a unibrow.

  • tommy

    you look beautiful. love the hair. you didn’t go to Briarcrest, did you?

    and for sourbob, there was absolutely nothing indie about the Replacements in ’93.

  • I love your hair! It’s beautiful. How long did it take you to grow it that long? Did you ever get your hair cut?

  • Me

    hmmmm still in hs ..this worries me now lol maybe i should watch what i do or say so i dont regret all of it

  • MJ

    Dooce: you are beautiful, then and now 🙂

    Paul: 5 year is too soon for a reunion. Everyone is the same except they can legally drink and think they can finally fuck the people they couldn’t get in high school(wait, are these bad things??)

    Kelly: I hear you. 20 years and my image of the class will be changed forever. I know, I know, not everyone will be fat and bald. I just want to remember everyone *snicker*

    High School Reunion is exactly what we would all regress to if we were forced to stay together for an extended period instead of one drunken night. Funny but all group environments that we find ourselves in the years following graduation all manage to become high school all over again. Just take a look around you at your jobs….

  • MJ

    That was supposed to say..I just want to remember everyone just the way they were *snicker*
    Kind of took away the effect of the snicker…

  • galt

    “her hair looks really nice.” –agent freeman in grosse point blank

  • Adrienne

    As a 1997 grad, I have to say the sappy grad song was “These are the days” by 10000 Maniacs (or maybe just Natalie Merchant, I can’t remember). Christ, I think I heard that a thousand damn times my senior year.

    On a totally unrelated note, two weeks ago my best friend’s brother got married. His new sister-in-law sang at the ceremony. “Eternal Flame” by The Bangles during the lighting of the “unity candle”. I am so not making that up.

    Take a moment and savor that image.

  • My senior quote: “I feel very secure in my overcoat of dreams. It’s got a fear-proof hood, and reality resistant seams.”

    That’s not TOO bad, but let’s not about how, in my graduation speech, I mentioned that “the class of ’93 is the only class the has the honor of graduating the same year as our friends on ‘90210.’”

    As for me, I’m TOTALLY going to my reunion this year. I can’t wait to see what became of those fucking freaks! Oh hey, wait a minute…

  • Natasha

    Dooce, you look awesome in that picture. And “nappy hair long enough to hit your waistline” isn’t so bad–though to each their own, of course.

    Go to the reunion, only ’cause you know everyone probably turned out worse than they ever could have dreamed they would. It’ll give you something to laugh about. (And then, by extension, all of us!)

  • Looking at that disturbing image for the eleventh time today, I just realized something.

    You look pissed.

    And I don’t mean pissed in a prom-dressy, big-hairedy, padded-braey, bishop-confessee kinda way.

    Oh no. There is a fire of pure incipient rebelliousness against all that is good and holy in the Mormon faith within that brow-crowned stare.

    I kinda like it.

  • my 10th reunion is next year.

    i’m still in the V club.


  • Inmate: You are creepy.

  • my senior quote wasn’t actually a quote of anything, just something lame I wrote. something like:

    “there is a first time for everything, and I have finally fallen speechless.”

    I was a real big mouth in high school.

  • yesno0001

    That hair is Photoshopped, right?

  • kath

    You poor thing! The main problem is you don’t have enough years’ distance between you and, well, THAT. I mean, I wrote a paper in College Freshman English about how women could find fulfillment in volunteerism instead of burdening the work force. Fortunately it has now been 30 years and I now find it howlingly funny, but for a long time just the thought of it made me turn red and nauseous.

    By the way, is your hair related to Jane Seymour?

  • At me 10-year one of my classmates (not someone I was close with, but just a fellow trouble maker – Bryan A.) said the nicest thing to me – that he went to the reunion hoping to see a select few, of which I was one. That was the first time we had seen eachother since graduating, and we have not been in contact since, but it made attending my reunion worth it.

  • tommy says so

    ohmygod tommy. you’re not seriously talking shit about the Replacements are you?

  • Sorry Beezerie Boy, gotta paraphrase…

    -Being a bit improved over 10 years since you last saw most of these people: $15
    -Getting roped into helping plan the 10 year reunion by one of your oldest friends, who ends up backing out of the planning herself: -$35
    -Getting to the damn reunion, after suffering through controversy, gossip, & the petty crap you no longer deal w/on a daily basis but was the foundation of your existence in high school, to find out your arch-enemy almost didn’t come to the reunion because she was AFRAID of you…& actually TOLD you that: PRICELESS

    You MUST go…if just for the precious blog.

  • yo

    holy jebus . . . enough with the pseudo mastercard commercial blurbs . . .
    dooce – GO TO YOUR REUNION. it’s every girl’s dream to go with her lovely man and the kick-ass cheakbones she always possessed, sans the 50 pounds that most others have put on.

  • Virgins had clubs? Wow.

    Have 2 years to go until the reunion. Ick.

  • embarrassment

    ugh. I’m still wearing a padded bra, and I am only one year behind you.

  • pinky

    My senior quote was from the movie “Scrooged”, and it was spoken by Bill Murray, inimitably:
    “You don’t know who you are, you don’t know what you want, and you don’t know what the hell you’re doing!”

  • Quote: “Minutes before she boarded her train of thought, she realized she was at the wrong station.”


    At my talent show my friends and I pretended to be an All-Deaf rock and roll band who had forgotten to plug in their instruments (I’m pretty sure there’s a special spot in Hell for that one). AND THEN as if that wasn’t bad enough I sang “Ship of Fools” by Robert Plant and attempted to play the bass. I gave up half way through the song and just kept singing.

    I graduated overseas so I thought I had a very convenient excuse for missing my 10 year reunion. Turns out they had it at DisneyWorld and my only excuse was that I was too poor to actually go. Well that and I had only just graduated from college and didn’t want to explain why it had taken 9 years to graduate.

  • Brian

    re: V.
    my freshmen year in college was punctuated by the hit OPP by Naughty by Nature. We bastardized it to CBOPPC for Celibate By Other People’s Choice. became a bit of a rallying cry for us.

  • a. my school’s yearbook didn’t include senior quotes.

    b. our song was sarah maclachlan’s “i will remember you” (because I graduated in ’98).

    c. i’m actually looking forward to my reunion. my fiance and i were friends in highschool, but didn’t start dating till last year. it’ll be fun to see everyone’s reaction to us married with kids. is that wrong?

  • my 10 year reunion is this year as well…

    only i don’t think that anyone from my high school knows that i even exist anymore. but for like, one friend.

    and she’s in japan.

  • zchamu

    Hah. Did The Rose thing as well and thought I was teh shiznit.

    Are you now the kind of person you would have been horrified to think you were going to be at 27, at 18?



  • i lost my chance to skip out of the ten year reunion in a pool game.

    ninety three
    ninety three

    ninety ninety
    ninety ninety

    ninety three.

  • I grew up in a very small town & knew most of the people/families my entire life. Bible belt, which sounds like it was similar to schools in Utah, from your description.

    Yes, I went to my 10-yr reunion last August. And I had a good time. Order any alcoholic beverage & they’ll realize you’re not the same person you were back then. Well, it worked for me, anyway. I think I enjoyed the shock factor more than anything else.

    That, and I looked damn good. 😉


  • Alex The Male

    I would hate to go anyplace where someone might brag about being a cop.

  • Wha’s up Ariel and Dooce! Class a ’93 in da house! (See, if I had said “in the hizzy for shizzy”, that would so not be class of ’93.)

    Dooce, I just wanted you to know that my first thought upon arriving at the above picture was all about “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”.

  • Ren

    So you got all growed up and drink whiskey now so this makes you more refined than your younger and perhaps naive, but at least smart enough to be sober self? Congrats with a big helping of sarcasm from someone who graduated 6 years before, thought Reagan was the anti-christ, tromped around with Youth for Peace, and drank and played around with drugs, and was not a virgin… then grew up, cleaned up, realized God actually does exist, and liberals have little self respect and even less for others.

  • so fucking impressed

    ren is a prophet who has shown me the light of my ways. i’m glad he’s smart enough to know what a big fat difference a few lines of insulting condescending comments on a blog can do to change people’s political views.

    praise jebus.

  • Ouch. Thanks for the memories. As a fellow member of the class of ’93, and a member of the V Club (it was a great way to meet chicks… virgins made the best kissers), I salute you! I haven’t heard anything about my tenth, and I’m happy as could be about that.

  • El Guapo

    I think you ought to go. Nothing like sticking your hand in the garbage disposal to help you conquer your fear of sticking your hand in the garbage disposal. The remarkable change in your worldview and lifestyle since H.S. will make you intriguing. Your wit and self-deprecating (and defacating as well) humor will make you irresistable. Having attended my Class of ’92 reunion this fall, I would say it is worth going if you are genuinely interested in other people, but a waste of time if you have an agenda of self-promotion or defense. I suspect your self-confidence is sufficient. At least outing your ex-Mormon self to the flock is a good way to exorcise the lingering demons of shame over what that game-faced, flaxen-haired, chastity-clubbing, overachiever said and did and thought once upon a time.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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