I’ve Got This Great Idea for a Bold New Ad

There’s like this totally desolate area, except it’s not totally desolate. Maybe it’s quasi-desolate. Yeah, that’s it, quasi. And there’s a city with buildings, but there are no people anywhere, and it’s all very post-apocalyptic and shit. No one is doing post-apocalyptic and shit these days, so we’re being very edgy that way.

And when I said there were no people anywhere I was just kidding. There are actually two people. So there are two people, and these people are very real looking. You know, real. Except they really aren’t real because real people are too fat. These people are real looking in the way that plastic is real looking. Plastic makes things possible.

So the girl who is one of these two people looks like she’s just had a fight with her tight-ass cunt of a mother. You know, she’s pissed and she looks very misunderstood like her mother just grounded her for not brushing her hair in several days. And she’s had it with her mother, and so she and her hip-bones escape through the bedroom window and find themselves walking along the streets of this quasi-desolate, post-apocalyptic city.

And the guy who is the other one of these two people, he’s been smoking some serious pot. He has dreadlocks, and people who have dreadlocks smoke pot. We don’t actually show him smoking pot, that would be illegal, but everyone knows he’s been smoking pot. Smoking pot is cool. And he looks like he could possibly have an African American mother and a Chinese father, or something like that. Maybe a Vietnamese father, you know, something very exotic.

Anyway, he’s not very upset. He’s actually very relaxed because he’s been smoking pot. And you get the idea that the guy and the girl would never associate in real life, but since they find themselves in a quasi-desolate, post-apocalyptic city they have a bond. They, like, totally get each other. And this is what it’s all about, really. Pretty people getting other pretty people.

And so they’re walking and walking and they begin to hear this huge noise in the background. Like, fucking huge. Like a stampede of wild bison or something. And the people watching the commercial know that it really is a huge fucking stampede of wild bison, or maybe buffalo. Either one will do. Whatever, just some huge hairy beasts running like hell.

So these bison are tearing the place up, there are like a gazillion of them. And glass is breaking and things are crumbling, you know, it’s a disaster. It’s chaos. It’s a metaphor for the world we live in, you know. And the people watching the commercial are like, get out of the way, you two pretty people! The huge herd of bison are headed straight for Mr. and Ms. Disaffected, and they show no signs of slowing or stopping to graze.

But the guy and the girl just stop and turn around to face the stampede, like they are totally crazy. I mean, you’d have to be crazy to stand there facing an oncoming stampede of bison at full-throttle, everybody knows that. Those bison are totally going to mutilate those two people and everyone watching the commercial is like, oh my god.

But here’s where we pull the switcheroo, here’s where we totally fool everyone. You see, what the bison and the people watching the commerical don’t know is that the jeans these two people are wearing have created an impenetrable force-field around their bodies! It’s totally like magic or something. The bison are diverted around the guy and the girl like water or something like that. And you’re totally going, holy fuck!

And the bison are going so fast that they are creating a fierce wind that is blowing gently through the girl’s disheveled hair and the guy’s dreads, totally like poetry. And she is so overhwlemed that she starts to cry, and we know that in that instant she has forgiven her tight-ass cunt of a mother. And the guy is so stoned that he doesn’t really know what the hell is going on, he just knows that it’s really fucking cool.

And to top it all off, the real clincher, what will make this the raddest jeans ad ever: we’re going to set the whole thing to this really great song, a song that should never be bastardized like it will be in this commercial. And anytime anyone who loves that song sees this commercial, they will want to take a loaded gun and empty it into the heads of whoever agreed to make this monstrosity.