Heater, Mother of Lance

A Selection of Recent, Random and Wholly Unrelated Observations, Volume III

Sometimes when Jon opens a Snickers Bar and passes it to me I feel as naughty as if he were passing me a joint. There’s just no difference, except one makes me high, and the other one makes me paranoid.

I used to like Led Zeppelin.

Blondes have it better than septic tank poopy reds.

Styrofoam cups change the taste of gin martinis.

If I had enough money to be on MTV’s Cribs, I’d have an entire room covered in blubble-wrap, with bubble-wrap area rugs and a bubble-wrap recliner, and I’d walk around stylin in my bubble-wrap bling.

I’d totally believe in a Heavenly Father if Missy Elliot could be the Heavenly Mother.

Citrucel tastes better than Metamucil.

How many times do I have to go over this? When I ask if you would please get me a Coke, you’re supposed to ask me what kind of Coke, because I could mean a Sprite or a Dr. Pepper, you Yankee.

Pride is what you had, baby girl, I am what you have.

  • shy

    2003/02/21 at 7:05 am

    sorry for the interruption but i thought dooce might like this site:


    drag and drop your magnetic words (from your site) to make a dooce-poem! 🙂

    i’m sorry. us geeks thinks stuff like this is cool.

  • Yahmdallah

    2003/02/21 at 7:45 am

    That southern “coke” thing threw me for an entire season when I lived in Florida. Then I moved back to the (relative) sanity of the midwest and had to learn to ask for “pop” again. I wonder if the Coke people know they’ve broken the Xerox and Kleenex barrier in the southern states?

  • JoeMillionaire

    2003/02/21 at 8:13 am

    MÂns, have YOU been out of England? Yes, many people from the European countries and the Middle east DO call things by their brand names.

    Any type of tissues = Kleenex
    Coffee = Nescafe
    Washing Detergent = Tide
    Toothpaste = Crest

  • chizantski

    2003/02/21 at 8:16 am

    1. do dirty blondes of slightly less fun? 2. i love poop and 3. Led Zepplin kinda scares me, i think i was twisted by some concert video i saw of theirs, when i was a kid and robert plant just scared the shit outta me, all that falsetto signing. yes al green and sam cooke can get away with it, mr. plant? i don’t know. I did see him on vacation once in St. Lucia. He was staying at some posh bugelow hotel and the hot water busted, so he had to come stay at our slightly less posh bungelow hotel. He was with his wife and his girlfriend. the horror!

  • Miss Mea-Mea

    2003/02/21 at 8:23 am

    Why thanks, Heather #2! I’m not there anymore, wah.

    Pop. Hmm. Add an ‘o’ and you have ‘poop.’

    There. I knew I could get poop in there somehow.

  • Danika

    2003/02/21 at 8:25 am

    Deep fried Mars bars sound totally tasty!! I can not believe they aren’t making Mars! I am going out and buying many many cases!

    When I go to a restuarant and I ask for coke I want coca-cola (or pepsi…there is a difference but if the restaurant has only coca cola I’ll accept that). If I ask for Pop I expect them to say “what kind of pop”.



  • moose

    2003/02/21 at 8:26 am

    What would be really cool is if we could move those doocely word magnets to make our own poems! Now I’d put THOSE on my fridge.

  • Danika

    2003/02/21 at 8:46 am

    You can move them Moose. Or at least I could.

  • Yankee Chris

    2003/02/21 at 8:49 am

    If you want a tonic, just say “tonic.”

  • suoica

    2003/02/21 at 8:57 am

    i think anything drinkable with bubbles (but not champagne) is a coke.

    and i’m glad you’re back. you were missed.

  • chunderchud

    2003/02/21 at 8:58 am

    you know, if you say you want a pop, you’re really just saying that you want a shasta. (queue colored keyboard)

  • the mighty jimbo

    2003/02/21 at 9:04 am

    uh…why would anyone deep fry a mars bar? to make it any less healthy? why not wrap it in bacon and dip it in cheese too.

  • jenlovesjezebill

    2003/02/21 at 9:18 am


  • Shane

    2003/02/21 at 9:21 am

    Because bacon and cheese *obviously* don’t go with deep-fried Mars bars, Jimbo. Had I said deep-fried corn dogs, you’d be down with the program.

  • PJ

    2003/02/21 at 9:24 am

    I like Dr. Pepper because I can pretend I’m hanging out with Garth Brooks and having a rocking good time without drinking alcohol!

    Also, Carson Daly is a major dweeb with a HUGE forehead.

  • amanda

    2003/02/21 at 9:28 am

    I was in a little art gallery, out in the hick town I used to live in, and I was in their back room getting my ghetto birdfeeder ready to hang (my art class got to hang our handmade feeders on the trees outside of the gallery, right next to the bronze boob). Anyway, I see a mutherin’ large roll of bubble wrap sitting in a corner and finding it hard to resist I popped the shit out of many a bubble. I got in shit, nazis!

  • Michael

    2003/02/21 at 9:53 am

    I’m pretty sure that someone did a study on what soft drinks were called in different parts of the country. I think they got federal money for it and everything.

  • jess

    2003/02/21 at 10:27 am

    chocolate, caramel and bacon? there’s a combination i want nothing to do with.

  • The Drifter

    2003/02/21 at 10:40 am

    dooce, you have NO idea how much crap my southern ladyfriend has given me over this coke thing. it opened up a whole can of worms of “where ahm from”s that’s not half-empty yet. and i, being from utah, never have good responses, damnit.

  • Cros

    2003/02/21 at 11:26 am

    I hate to even bring this up, noting the amount of “poop” referrences here, but… “poopy reds”?

  • Louis Armstrong

    2003/02/21 at 12:46 pm

    Swiss Kriss beats the shit out of Citrucel, pun intended.

  • tenaciousg

    2003/02/21 at 1:11 pm

    For what it’s worth, here is your website today as translated by the Shizzolator:

    A Selection of Recent, Random ‘n Wholly Unrelated Observations, Volume III
    Sometimes when Jon opens a Snickers Bar ‘n passes that shiznit me I feel as naughty as if tha dude wuz passing me a joint n’ shit. There’s just no difference, except one makes me high, ‘n da other one makes me paranoid, know what I’m sayin’?

    I used like Led Zeppelin.”

    Blondes has that shiznit better than septic tank poopy reds, know what I’m sayin’?

    Styrofoam cups change da taste of gin martinis.”

    If I had ’nuff paper be on MTV’s Cribs, I’d has an entire room covered in blubble-wrap, wit bubble-wrap area rugs ‘n a bubble-wrap recliner, ‘n I’d walk around stylin in my bubble-wrap bling n’ shit.

    I’d totally believe in a Heavenly Father if Missy Elliot could be da Heavenly Mother, know what I’m sayin’?

    Citrucel tastes better than Metamucil.”

    How many times do I has go over this? When I ax if yo’ ass would please get me a Coke, yo’ ass’re supposed ax me what kind of Coke, because I could mean a Sprite or a Dr.” Pepper, yo’ ass Yankee n’ shit.

    Pride is what yo’ ass had, baby brizzle, I am what yo’ ass has, know what I’m sayin’?

  • moose

    2003/02/21 at 1:17 pm

    Danika, for some reason, I cannot move them. ??? Oh well.

  • Anna

    2003/02/21 at 1:43 pm

    No, no, no. It’s a SODA – not a Coke or a Pop. And PLEASE tell me you do not refer to a movie as a “show.”

  • Sean

    2003/02/21 at 2:03 pm

    Zeppelin’s early albums still kick major ass! Pop is a generic carbonated beverage blanket that covers coke, pepsi, 7-up, etc.

  • Xanthan

    2003/02/21 at 2:29 pm

    1) The only people on the West Coast who call it “pop” are midwestern transplants. The generic “Coke” has always been what I’ve used. See http://www.ugcs.caltech.edu/
    ~almccon/pop_soda/ for a more in depth look…

    If the styrofoam makes your gin taste bad, you must not be drinking enough. You’re not putting that Citricel in it, are you?!

    3) USED to like Zeppelin? USED to? What happened girl? Drop Axl, but Led Zeppelin? Oh, I hope the Husband can talk some sense in to the Dooce (or pound it in with that subwoofer he bought!).

  • suicideblonde

    2003/02/21 at 2:49 pm

    Pop here in southern Ohio is any sort of carbonated soft drink. A soda is pop with ice cream and Coke is a Coke.

  • Peggasus

    2003/02/21 at 4:26 pm

    Septic tank poopy red is the new blonde.

  • pixelkitty

    2003/02/21 at 5:21 pm

    additionally …

    say what you mean, mean what you say.

    A coke is most definitely a Coke, not diet coke, certainly not sprite and absolutely not pepsi.

    Whats wrong with saying “soft drink” as we do here in australia, or straight up “drink”? although drink is used more for alcoholic beverages than soft drinks. ahem.

  • coke is it

    2003/02/21 at 5:23 pm

    yeah, totally. every cold beverage in florida falls under the category of “coke”. not that floridians cant taste the difference between coke and pepsi and not that they dont have their own preferences between the 2 brands, just that their way of ascertaining what brand an establishment carries is to say: “what kind of cokes do you all have?”

  • rusty

    2003/02/21 at 5:35 pm

    I’m thinking I really want to hear you walk around on that bubble-warp rug, and lean against that bubble wrap wall. But I really want to hear you relax in that bubblewrap recliner.


  • Jenny

    2003/02/21 at 6:08 pm

    USED to like Led Zeppelin??? Why would you no longer like the greatest band in the world??

  • Agatha

    2003/02/21 at 6:13 pm

    Va va vrooooooooooooom


    2003/02/21 at 7:01 pm

    RE: the COKE thing..

    Are you Filipino?

  • Cherie

    2003/02/21 at 7:39 pm

    *Is horrified* No, no, no! If you want a coke you say “Can I have a Coke?” If you want a Sprite you say “Can I have a Sprite?” If you want Dr Pepper ask for Dr pepper! There is no two ways about it!

  • Michael

    2003/02/21 at 8:41 pm

    That “Love will freak us” song is the biggest disgrace to Joy Division eva!

    The Pop, Soda or Coke statistics page.

  • Michael

    2003/02/21 at 8:44 pm

    Hmmm, should finish reading all replies before I post.

    Oh well.

  • Billy

    2003/02/21 at 9:28 pm

    And what do you put your six-pack of pop in, a “bag” or a “sack?”

  • lizzie

    2003/02/22 at 5:30 am

    a friend used to have her living room “wallpapered” in bubble wrap. it was fun at first to pop the bubbles, and fun later when the game became “let’s see if we can find any un-popped bubbles.” but once that was exhausted, it was sorta lame. and no one wanted to get more bubble wrap and re-do it.

  • Lisa

    2003/02/22 at 5:50 am

    I fight my two-year-old for bubble wrap. She usually wins, till she remembers that she can’t pop it by herself.

  • Anonymous

    2003/02/22 at 8:18 am

    JoeBillionaire, I’m half Swedish/half German and have lived in Sweden, Italy, England and Holland. Further I’m trilingual. So yeah, I’ve been out of England. (Sorry for this unrelated comment, I’ll shut up now.)

  • Toby

    2003/02/22 at 11:24 am

    Dude, Citrucel totally kicks Metamucil’s ASS.

  • Igor

    2003/02/22 at 3:04 pm

    I like the smart, beautiful redheads better though. The coke question is the quintessential America, you guys have far too much choice. You can’t just ask for coffee, you have more options buying coffee than you have buying a car. You don’t only want to have your cake and eat it, it has to come with M&Ms, cream, coleslaw and chips. If it wasn’t for the fact that the women are to-die-for gorgeous I’d call you arrogant.

  • David

    2003/02/22 at 4:05 pm

    So what do you say if you do actually want a Coca-Cola?

    “Gimme a Coke”
    “Sure, what kind of Coke?”
    “Erm, make it a Coke”

  • Ching

    2003/02/22 at 8:22 pm

    Hey, it works in the Philippines..

    When you want soda, you ask for coke.

    When you want toothpaste, you ask for colgate.

    They will really go, “What kind?” If you really want Colgate or Coke, you just repeat yourself. It’s kind of a hassle, but that’s the way it is. It’s better to ask than to assume and get it wrong.

  • Ken

    2003/02/22 at 9:31 pm

    Okay, am I the only one that got the JimmyPage Led Zeppelin connection? By the way, jp, thanks for your recent comments. They make the rest of us who voted for dubya look like real assholes. Appreciate it.

    Dooce, thanks for your blogs. The other night, I was trying to come up with something to blog about and had total writer’s block. I needed some inspiration so I turned here. I flipped through the couple of weeks that I missed and thought they were hilarious, which helped me write what I thought was one of my better blogs (http://www.kennsarah.net/archives/

    Thanks and God Bless,

  • mechaieh

    2003/02/23 at 4:31 am

    Yahmdallah, Coke _comes_ from the South. Atlanta, to be precise.

    I’ve also heard it Coke Coke called “Co-cola” down here, usually when talking about gravy recipes.

  • Agatha

    2003/02/23 at 7:04 am

    Coke is America’s number one choice cola beverage.

  • Katherine

    2003/02/23 at 12:54 pm

    That’s what you get for living in TN. Coke is everything: regular Coke, Cherry Coke, Sprite, Dr. Pepper, Diet Lemon Coke… except RC Cola. RC Cola is… RC Cola. And a Moonpie.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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