Heater, Mother of Lance

A Couple Questions

1. My best friend from high school is moving to Denver soon, and I was wondering if any of you have any information about good neighborhoods or real estate in the Denver area that you wouldn’t mind passing along.

2. It’s been another crazy week at the Hamilton Family Compound, which I will gladly detail tomorrow, but in the meantime, have you heard any great poop stories lately?

Here’s mine: Yesterday I babysat my sister’s twin boys and one of them kept talking to me in this totally indecipherable jibberish and I just kept nodding my head and acting like I knew what he was talking about, but he could totally tell that I was just not getting it, so I turn around and go about cleaning up some mess somewhere and he gets so frustrated that he finally walks up to me and grabs my arm and I realize that he’s got chocolate all over his hands. At least I thought it was chocolate, which explains why I just sort of stood there, like, where the hell did he get chocolate? And since when did they make chocolate with corn?

  • Vee

    2003/04/03 at 3:53 pm

    oh my… if that was me, I would have thrown up right then and there.

  • jessca

    2003/04/03 at 4:00 pm


  • zchamu

    2003/04/03 at 4:00 pm

    Gah. That was … echhh.

    I don’t have a poop story today. My dog ate mothballs this morning. That was fun.

  • Joy

    2003/04/03 at 4:04 pm

    So that’s what he was trying to tell you! Oh my is right.

  • Joy

    2003/04/03 at 4:08 pm

    I do have a poop story though.

    My little adorable white kitten has pooped two evenings in a row right at the foot of my bed! Yuck…

  • Myopic Joe

    2003/04/03 at 4:11 pm

    Yummm, steamin’ fresh Twice-Again-Corn like granny used to make :9

  • Laura

    2003/04/03 at 4:30 pm

    I will surely have poop stories on Monday, as I am headed this weekend to my grandmother’s house, and her Chihuahua has some serious issues and could possibly benefit from some dog therapy or maybe a session with that pet psychic lady, if we were that kind of people, but we’re not.

  • MojoMark

    2003/04/03 at 4:47 pm

    Not a new poop story, but a Christmas Poop Story.

    and BTW.. didn’t your nose help you decipher the “indecipherable gibberish”?.

  • ericalynn

    2003/04/03 at 4:51 pm

    i think my best personal poop story is when i attempted to change my own diaper when i was a year old. oh, my poor felt curtains. oh, my poor, sweet mother and her little pretty dress. oh, my poor stuffed animals.

    oh, poop.

  • Alex

    2003/04/03 at 4:55 pm

    I have the BEST poop story!

    According to the Valera household legend, one day I was standing at my crib minding my own business playing and singing. (Singing whatever tune 1 1/2 year olds tend to sing.)

    Anyway, my dad walked by and noticed I was playing with what looked to be marbles. And he thought, “Hold on! Where did she get marbles –and wait a minute, why are they BROWN!?”

    He sniffed one, gagged and of course realized they were little poop balls I was playing with. This was the 70s and diapers weren’t the force fields they are today.

    The kicker was, when he started to take my “marbles” away all freaked out, I got upset and popped one in my mouth….

    Yes ladies and gentlemen, the baby me ate my own shit.

    Thank you and good night!

  • Scott

    2003/04/03 at 5:07 pm

    When I was little we had a beagle pup. Someone fed him the carrots and green peas out of a frozen dinner, and a bit later the dog’s poop came out bright orange and green. It was lovely.

  • antisocial diva

    2003/04/03 at 5:10 pm

    oh gross. i would have thrown up on the spot.

  • Erin

    2003/04/03 at 5:22 pm

    My dog decided to help “clean up” after a birthday party by eating several popped balloons. Her poop looked confetti-tastic for 2 days.

  • nicole

    2003/04/03 at 5:29 pm

    chocolate with corn . . . my god that made me laugh out loud.

    a similar thing happened once when i was watching my sister . . except she went the fingerpainting-on-the-walls route.

  • arnold

    2003/04/03 at 5:34 pm

    dang it. I logged on to poopce.com again

  • chica

    2003/04/03 at 5:44 pm

    Boulder is beautiful.. quite the college/granola community though, so it might not be a good choice for someone who a) isn’t in college or b) is opposed to wearing socks with with her birkenstocks. Boulder has some of the best hiking and bike trails I’ve been to, and please consider the fact that I’ve lived and played in almost all sections of the Rocky Mountains when weighing this commendation.
    Louisville is excellent, low crime, though people are crammed on top of each other and housing is a bit expensive. That’s all I know from personal experience for the good areas… as for the bad, I made a note to avoid Golden, Arvada, Brighton (town, not really a suburb), Ft Collins (ditto) and the legendary Colfax Street (of Unsavory Working Women).

  • dpd

    2003/04/03 at 5:55 pm

    One day, at the daycare I work at, I was hanging out with this adorable 3 yr.old boy, MAtthew. We were sitting there making small talk:) when he looks up at me and as proudly as ever exclaimed ” I did a BIG POOP on the potty last night!” “That’s AWESOME!”, I replied, because it is, when you’re 3, but when you’re any older for some reason big poops don’t impress as many people!

  • Norwalk Virus

    2003/04/03 at 6:10 pm

    I can hardly keep my eyes open to write this but last nite I got hit with the worst virus ever… after projectile vomiting complete with nasal chunks I then had hours of liquid leaking out of my ass… I finally fell asleep on the couch only to wake up at 4 am with more shit leaking from my ass… I literally shit myself in my sleep. Again in the shower the same thing …. 4 Imodium AD’s later I have finally firmed up and am able to hold liquids down… I am worried that after that much Imodium I may never shit again …

    Thank you for the forum … I could never confess this in real life… I really needed to share.

  • Sabina

    2003/04/03 at 6:12 pm

    While potty-training my b/f’s dog, she would poop somewhere she wasn’t supposed to (like in the house), and later on we would find her eatting it with an awful guilty look on her face.

  • christine

    2003/04/03 at 6:26 pm

    My two year-old is going through stage where he is completely fascinated with his poop. Every poopie diaper that gets changed has to be inspected by him. He says, “wanna SEE it!” Then when I show him, he asks, “what KIND of poopie is it?” I have to describe it by its color or texture. Yuck. I hope this stage passes quickly. I’m starting to worry that my child is a little disturbed. What makes things worse is that he just got over the stomach flu and…well, maybe I ought not to say any more.

  • LK

    2003/04/03 at 6:30 pm

    you SAW the poop BEFORE you smelled it? =:O

  • Xanthan

    2003/04/03 at 6:36 pm

    Blue seems to be a theme with my kids…
    My youngest, who is 18 months and still in diapers, loves her some blueberries. As you all probably know, blueberries stain things pretty fiercely, but what you may not know is that this includes poops. Feed the kid blueberries at dinner and you’ll have certified smurf poop in the morning.

  • shy

    2003/04/03 at 6:47 pm

    regarding our bruisied knees and elbows, hope they feel better soon! while you may be colliding with your dresser way too often, i am doing the same with my shin and the corner edge of my bed. my fiance often finds me curled up on the floor, grimacing as i try to rub the pain away…

  • Irk

    2003/04/03 at 7:04 pm

    The only remotely good personal poop story I have involves a nasty virus and “running from both ends” so to speak.

    I did, however, just go see Margaret Cho’s Revolution show and she had a great story about shitting herself in her car. I personally think she came here for some of her material. Don’t let her rip you off, Dooce!

  • Baby Bupinder

    2003/04/03 at 7:10 pm

    I’m sooo glad you talked about poop. I like to talk about poop also. In fact, I’ve combined my love of poop and the protest on the war. April 15th is Poop for Peace™ day. I hope you participate (despite your previous bowel movement history).

  • freshgroundpepper

    2003/04/03 at 7:30 pm

    I just moved to Minnesota from Monument, CO (between Denver and Colorado Springs) 6 months ago. The south side of Denver is known as the DTC (Denver Tech Center) and (at least six months ago when I sold my house) it was a total buyers market. With all of the telecom out there, there are a ton of ex-Qwest/MCI/Worldcom employees who are just begging to give you their house. Also, Castle Rock (about 15 miles south of Denver) is quite a nice bedroom community that’s been exploding in recent times. If your friend is in Tech, chances are this would be a good place to look.

  • Chad's Favorite Bridesmaid

    2003/04/03 at 7:45 pm

    We had a dog when I was a kid that polished off a box of Crayolas on two separate occasions. And this is the big box, with the built-in sharpener. For days after each incident, plops of poop in our back yard had bits & pieces of crayon projecting in all different directions. Can’t quite look at the Crayolas the same anymore.

  • RegisteredTM

    2003/04/03 at 8:00 pm

    A dog related poop story.

    We use a tin to put excess oil and fat from cooking. Once, we used quite a large tin, and the oil went slightly rancid. I noticed this, and put it by the backdoor, out in the yard, so that I could put it in the bin in the morning.

    Needless to say, I forgot. Maggie, our Kelpie cross, found it, drank it all (about 1 litre – a quart I think), and didn’t feel too goo (naturally). She then proceeded to fart and shit rancid oil all over the house and our bed like a firehose.


  • erin

    2003/04/03 at 8:09 pm

    Depending on what kind of neighborhood your Denver-bound friend is looking for, I would tell her to check out the Highland (NW of downtown). It’s close to everything you want to be close to, but has its own quirky neighborhood character to it, with good local shops and restaurants and kick-ass taquerias.

  • Chad

    2003/04/03 at 8:17 pm

    Fran from gritmedia.net told me that you were looking for Denver advice. Here’s my two cents…

    I lived in Denver for several years, and never cared much for the its suburbs. They offer little personality and plenty of traffic during rush hours. Besides, the neighborhoods in central Denver are older and prettier, with better access to parks, libraries, and “cultural centers.”

    It’s been a while, so I can’t remember the names of all the “up and coming” neighborhoods, but Highland is one that comes to mind. Capitol Hill is filled with hip 20-somethings in apartments, along with record stores and restaurants. LoDo is overpriced, overhyped, and full of sports bars. Stay away.

    Hope that helps.

  • the mighty jimbo

    2003/04/03 at 8:27 pm

    my brother left his 8 month old daughter on the floor with a poopy diaper while he turned to get a new one. when he returned she was covered, head to toe (and mouth) in her own fresh baby poop. i can’t wait to tell her this story when is a teenager.

  • dvl

    2003/04/03 at 8:31 pm

    …when my daughter (now 3.5 yrs)was just a few weeks old she made a poop in her diaper that was bright green and shaped like a jalapeno pepper… and of course I have photos for posterity.

  • Anne

    2003/04/03 at 8:36 pm

    I’ve got a cat poop story: Around Christmas, my cat’s favorite food was the ribbons on our presents. One day, she’s running around the house, jumping and acting all weird… when I looked closer, trailing the ground (out of her ass) was a foot-long red ribbon with poop clusters every few inches. Whenever she’d freak out and try to run away, the poop-ribbon would whip around and smack her.
    You can’t imagine how hard it was to catch her, let alone de-ribbon her!

  • Mary Duan

    2003/04/03 at 10:02 pm

    Did I tell you?

    Don’t say I didn’t tell you.

  • kath

    2003/04/03 at 10:38 pm

    I think Alex wins. But I will tell my poop stories anyway. I had 3 of them, you’ll be happy to know that 2 have already been told by other people. Like RegisterTM, my dog cleaned out about a quart of used Crisco and made some godawful off-white color poop puddles.

    Then there’s my mother’s cat, who did the same trick as Anne’s — she apparently will eat anything, and on Christmas morning, my mother found, laid neatly on her desk blotter (green) one big kitty poop beautifully wrapped with bright red yarn with a pine needle sticking out the side (or as my mother would say–a handle).

    3rd story is a cautionary tale for you Dooce, although it looks like you don’t really need another one. Everyone who has kids has lots of good poop stories. When my daughter was only about 3 months old, we were visiting my father’s house, and I had to get up with the baby very early in the morning. Naturally she needed changing, and I had her lying with diaper off on a table while I fumbled around with one hand in the semi-light for a clean diaper. Suddenly she let loose with a gusher of poop that grazed me and hit the opposite side of the room. It was a sight to behold. Really a fine way to start the day.

  • miscdebris

    2003/04/03 at 11:23 pm

    um. it astounds me how foul that was. really, bravo.

  • melanie

    2003/04/03 at 11:25 pm

    i’m 30, i live in boulder, and go to grad school at cu. if your friend is older than the average college student or don’t have money flying out of every orifice, i wouldn’t recommend boulder for anything other than weekend-warrior-type stuff.

    if your friend is more of a hipster/urban type, i’d recommend washington park (washpark) or capitol hill — good restaurants, nearby clubs and bars, coffeeshops, etc. but if your friend is going to be looking for a job, denver might not be the place to head first.

  • bushra

    2003/04/04 at 12:43 am

    i have two nephews going through that phase, fortunately they live about 200 miles away!

  • Beerzie Boy

    2003/04/04 at 1:16 am

    I have 3 boys, and none of them play with their shit. Must be an inherited trait.

  • Jasmine

    2003/04/04 at 3:11 am

    I once babysitted a three year old with a stomach virus. I swear I turned around for no more than thirty seconds, when I looked back, he’d disappeared into the family’s living room. He finally tottled back to me, jibbering something like “Maddy gone poh-poh! Poh poh!” I think I unconsciously knew what he was trying to tell me, but I just went into denial mode. The little brat kept saying “poh-poh” until I went and checked it out though . . . sure enough, yellow, stomach virus poop all over the dense, white carpet. Not only had he shat on the carpet, he’d wiped his bum on it, too.

    On the bright side of things, ordinary wool-wash works wonders when it comes to cleaning runny-shite from virginal white carpet.

  • smudge

    2003/04/04 at 4:41 am

    My wonderful dog (who looks like yours on steroids) has “separation anxiety” which apparently results in him eating or chewing something to bits every time I leave the house. Usually it’s paper or tissues or something relatively benign, but once, it was Teflon tape. When I took him out that afternoon he’s doing his thing (the crouch) which was taking abnormally long and he’s looking at me with this worried/scared expression. Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you spend five minutes pulling forty feet of teflon tape out of your dogs ass.

  • PJ

    2003/04/04 at 4:49 am

    My friend’s daughter was quite the litle nudist when she was young. Usually it was confined to the house. Once her older brother was watching her, and she started to poop. The boy took a dive and caught the poop in his hand before it hit the floor! Now that’s brotherly love for you.

  • galt

    2003/04/04 at 4:49 am

    seeing the poop before you smell it…this is what we sons of physicists call The Pooppler Effect.

    Carry on.

  • Infrangible

    2003/04/04 at 4:54 am

    Three parts:

    1. I’m getting my bathroom redone, to which my friend says “Can I take The-First-Shit?”.

    2. The same friend used to weigh herself before and after taking a shit, thus deducing the weight of her shit.

    3. The recollection of that memory prompts another friend to tell us about the time her father had hydro colon therapy. Five pounds lighter.

  • eddeaux

    2003/04/04 at 5:06 am

    One time when I was between jobs I had this roommate that was doing some student teaching at a high school. I was sitting in the living room watching TV and he comes home about 10 in the morning.

    I was like, “what are you doing home?” and he says, “I crapped my pants!” He had an “accident” The funny thing about it was that he acted like it was no big deal. I remember admiring him for being honest with me, I would have made up a much better, much less embarrassing story!

  • Kevin

    2003/04/04 at 5:24 am

    The best poop story in the history of the world has got to be Bob the Anal Fissure. It’s an it-ner-net old skool classic!!

  • Kevin

    2003/04/04 at 5:25 am

    And, Bob the Anal Fissure lives here: http://www.zug.com/scrawl/analbob/

  • Heather K.

    2003/04/04 at 5:32 am

    We have been in Denver for almost 6 years now. We have lived on Capitol Hill and we have lived in Cherry Creek. Both are very convenient. But, we probably spent a good 8 months trying to find a house in just the right neighborhood and ended up in Aurora.

    I’m from New York, and to me, Denver is a fairly tame city. You’ll know the “bad” neighborhoods by sight.

    Your friend is making a smart decision. Denver is fantastic and we have over 300 days of sunshine a year! (the tourism people are always touting that fact)And despite the perception, Denver is not that cold and not that snowy.

  • xiolagrl

    2003/04/04 at 5:42 am

    denver is a great city. probably one of the coolest places i’ve lived. as chad said, washington park and capitol hill are great areas. lots of older houses and apartments. as for the above comment about colfax ave, it’s not great but a few blocks off colfax (between colfax and 13th) is a pretty neat area. i used to live in an apartment off michigan never had any problems with crime. parking can be a pain, but that’s about it.

    places to see….things to do…
    there are great shops and bars on broadway. the skylark lounge was one of my favorite haunts. lodo is highly overrated. it’s expensive and is mostly aging frat boys and yuppies. the tattered cover is one of my favorite bookstores ever. it’s an independent bookstore with two locations one in cherry creek and one in lodo. i prefer the cherry creek store. off 13th and pearl there is a series of great record shops called wax trax. it’s great source for old and new vinyl, independent music, etc.

    hope some of that helps.

  • Nick

    2003/04/04 at 5:46 am

    I’ve been to Denver and I poop nearly every day.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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