An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

A Couple Questions

1. My best friend from high school is moving to Denver soon, and I was wondering if any of you have any information about good neighborhoods or real estate in the Denver area that you wouldn’t mind passing along.

2. It’s been another crazy week at the Hamilton Family Compound, which I will gladly detail tomorrow, but in the meantime, have you heard any great poop stories lately?

Here’s mine: Yesterday I babysat my sister’s twin boys and one of them kept talking to me in this totally indecipherable jibberish and I just kept nodding my head and acting like I knew what he was talking about, but he could totally tell that I was just not getting it, so I turn around and go about cleaning up some mess somewhere and he gets so frustrated that he finally walks up to me and grabs my arm and I realize that he’s got chocolate all over his hands. At least I thought it was chocolate, which explains why I just sort of stood there, like, where the hell did he get chocolate? And since when did they make chocolate with corn?

  • Hi Dooce,

    I have two very dear friends who live in Denver – both very cool people. I would be happy to send you their e-mail addresses for your friend. Both gals would have excellent suggestions as to where to live. E-mail me if you would like more information. Your friend is in for a treat – Denver is a great city!

  • My poop story also involves babysitting — it was my first time babysitting EVER (I was all of 12) and there were two boys — one was (let’s say) 2 1/2 and the other was like 7. Anyway, the younger one was still in diapers, but hated them. So he pooped in the diaper, and proceeded to take off, bouncing on their beige carpet with his yet-to-be-wiped brown butt, leaving mini-butt prints as I chased after him. The tables turned, however, as in my pursuit, he grabbed a Stella Doro breadstick, swiped it in his diaper so he would have some dooky on a stick, and started chasing me. Needless to say, I can’t look at Stella Doro breadsticks the same way.

  • xiolagrl

    forgot to mention alfalfa’s and the bent noodle. alfalfa’s/wild oats is really fantastic natural foods store. the bent noodle is a great italian resturant. i haven’t lived in denver for a year and a half and i still dream about their chicken marsala. in addition to great food they also have an incredible wine selection.

    the weather is fantastic. it hardly ever rains, summers are truly beautiful. they have summer concerts at red rocks national park. it’s really amazing. it’s where the u2, suday bloody sunday video was shot.

    can you tell i miss denver 🙂

  • Kate the Great

    Tangentially related to poop: Last night, we walked into our favorite restaurant to find that it had just flooded. One of the patrons had taken a huge dump that overflowed the toilet and left the bathroom without telling anyone of his crime. Said patron then sat back down and continued to harass the poor seniors next to him with a long treatise on nuclear engineering. The staff was mopping around him, giving him the evil eye and muttering under their breath, but he kept lecturing the entire restaurant in a loud voice that is somehow reserved for folks wearing t-shirts that read “cogit ergo sum.” Nothing could penetrate his Wall of Science. His captive audience finally escaped, but he remained, his eye roving for new victims. He was still there when we finished our meal and left, trying to engage the waiter (our friend), who had earlier told me he’d like to punch Mr. Pooper in the face.

  • The current issue of 5280 magazine (Denver’s regional magazine) is about the various neighborhoods in Denver and home prices. I’d be happy to send a copy of it to you/them if you are interested. It really is a great place to live.

  • cider

    you should change your masthead to “pooplicious” or maybe “pooptastic”…possibly “pooporama”? =)

  • marie

    my best friend swears this story is true—she and her hubby were visting some friends. teenage kid of said friends comes out and says “hey mom and dad, you’ve gotta come see this! i think we have a new “champion!” the parents go check out the turd in the toilet and then go to the freezer, get out a zip-locked-bagged-aluminum-foil-wrapped turd. then they fish the recently-produced turd out of the toilet and measure it against the champion turd. it didn’t “quite” measure up, so they put the “champion” back in its rightful place in the ziplock bag, back into the freezer.

  • dooce… i’m a denver resident living in the highlands neighborhood just northwest of downtown. it is certainly one of the better urban neighborhoods in the city, and one that’s not so over-priced as much of the denver market.

    if your friend is looking for newer homes, he should check out stapleton – the former airport-turned-new neighborhood. and i’d have to not recommend the ‘burbs… just because i simply cannot recommend life in the suburbs.

  • cyn

    When my son David was almost 3, he swallowed a nickel. So for about 2 days we had a search party with each poop to find the nickel. (Yuck) When we finally found it, he told everyone “money came out of my butt!” He was so proud!

  • My brother (as a baby) went through this phase where he would poop these little squishy beige turds while sitting, so they would end up looking like vanilla wafer. He’d just deposited one, and mom was cleaning him off and hadn’t picked it up yet. In wandered dad, holding it in his hand like a cookie and said, “why are you giving [the baby] cookies now?” (I think it was nighttime.) Mom said, “That’s not a cookie.” Whereupon dad took a big sniff, freaked out because he nearly bit into it, and flung it away in disgust as hard as he could, where it stuck on (and in) the stucco-textured wall. Mom didn’t let him forget that one for, well, it’s going on four decades now.

  • When my daughter was about 2 she had this thing of stacking up all her golden books into a big mound and then standing on them.
    During a bout of tummy flu she left the cofines of the couch were she’d been watching Disney channel and started to build her mound.
    Upon completeion of it she scrabled to the top and then sqautted down and let lose into her diaper only to have the dayglo green poop overflow and pour our onto her mound of books…

  • My favorite poop story:

  • Ariel, that link is GOLD!

  • I will second the nomination for the Highland Ranch area. I have several friends who moved from the generic suburbs of Louisville and Broomfield to Highland Ranch just off of 32nd street and they love love love it. It’s a super quaint neighborhood and they are always trying to convince the hubby and I to move there too (we live just outside Boulder in Longmont and there’s no chance we’ll move because it would quadruple our commute time since we work in Boulder). Tell your friends best of luck in the house-hunting.

    P.S. This is definitely a good time to buy too.

  • On a related topic to poop….I took a neighbors kids to the beach. After a few hours he started screaming, “My weenie hurts! My weenie hurts!” (No, this was not a lonely beach.) He wouldn’t stop screaming to tell me what was wrong so I had to drag him all the way home screaming about his poor little penis.

  • my poop story isn’t too much of a story so much as… well, something else.

    i saw the movie irreversible last night. and during the 9 minute anal rape scene, the guy asked the girl if she was either wet or bleeding. and that if she shit on him he was going to kill her.

  • I perfer Littleton and Highlands Ranch, suburbs of Denver. Price wise, Parker, Centennial and the newer part of Aurora have decent homes and prices in a city that has gone mad with inflation of prices. All of these are on the South end of town, minutes from downtown Denver and beautiful places to live in.

  • A friend of mine’s little guy has been told repeately that you don’t poop in yourpants. However, he is also an Austin Powers fan and rather then a) poop in his pants or b) leave the TV – he simply drops trow and makes little soft serve deposits for mommy to find. When she asks him why he poops on the floor he says “I was watchin’ Ausin Powa!” and then adds “Didn’t poop in my pants mommy!”

  • JC

    my poop story happened in college…my roommate got a nasty virus that left him leaking from the ass. this was over christmas break, so we were both home at the time. came time to head back down to school, and lucky me, since we’d carpooled up, we had to carpool back. we drove the three hours back down with the windows open…in freezing sleet. luckily it was his car…i think there’s still a stain on the passenger seat to this day.

  • tracy… just a clarification: there are two highlands in denver. the highlands neighborhood is a century-old, charming place with beautiful, well-built housing stock 5 minutes from downtown. highlands ranch is a tract-home and gated-community suburb an hour removed from downtown during rush-hour.

  • Since we’re sharing babysitting stories, I’m going to tell my college roomate Jen’s tale:

    Her first (and only) babysitting job was for a really nice five-year-old boy. The parents told her to put him to bed at 8, they’d be home at midnight. He’s an angel, 8pm rolls around, and she’s hustling him to bed when he says “you have to take my eye out.” My roomie Jen starts to panick (she’s easily flustered) and asks him what he means. “I can pop it out, but you have to put it back in”…with that, he proceeds to pop out his glass eye and hand it to her. She starts screaming, with the poor kid crying and chasing her around the house. Needless to say, they both sat up til midnight until his parents came home to clean his glass eye and put it back in for him.

    She refuses to ever babysit again. Don’t you think if your kid had a glass eye that needed to be cleaned, you’d TELL the babysitter?

  • kim

    the Skylark is one of the best bars in Denver! and El Chipultepec too (I don’t remember quite how it’s spelled).

  • Howie Mandel likes to sit in a public stall, get a Hershey’s bar all gooey in his hands, and then reach under the neighboring stall and ask: “Hey Buddy, how ’bout a little help, my stall’s out of toilet paper.”

  • chris, oops… my bad… i meant Highlands and not Highlands Ranch.

    dooce, listen to chris… he knows best.

  • david, remind me not to watch that movie.

  • Irk

    40 feet of Teflon tape?! Frozen turds?! At least money flying out of your butt is better than monkeys flying out of your butt. I love this shit.

  • No poop stories here, but would you be interested in a tale of masochistic vomiting kitties?

  • alright–it’s way too disconcerting to go back and forth between disgustingly funny poop stories and sober real estate tips…moving on, i’ve got a couple of good poop stories, both involving my friend dana (f).

  • a couple of summers ago i was counselling a weeklong summer camp that dana was co-directing. one fine afternoon i was hanging out in the counsellors’ cabin when dana comes flying out of the bathroom and says, “dude, you’ve gotta see this.” i’d been reading something interesting, or distracted otherwise, so it didn’t really register where she was coming from. she led me into the bathroom and i was destroyed by the stench. despite my attempts to flee, she dragged me over to the toilet where there was one long, thin piece of poop that looped around the bowl–i shit you not–two full times. it must have been over two feet long. that cabin stunk for 3 days, but dana wore it as a badge of pride.

  • more on my friend…
    so dana’s dog, gypsy, likes to chill in the backyard with us whenever we’re out there smoking. she’s kept on a leash because the backyard’s open, and being a rather hyperactive dog she uses every inch of that leash. this usually means that if she has to poop, she does it on the outer edge of her travelling abilities, in a ring around the tree she’s tied to. after the bricklaying session she waits, crouched inches from her steaming pile, for a fly to land on it. then she pounces. sometimes she gets the fly, but she has never, ever failed to catch the shit.

  • Seriously, Dooce. You have to tone down on the poop tale frequency. It’s only a matter of time before coprophiliacs hear about this place. And then it’s really gonna go to shit.

  • MmMmGood

    A friend of mine was trail-running last week when he got the ol’ “fudge nudge.” Out in the middle of no-where, and only about a mile from the car he figured he’d bleed off some pressure by exorcising a toot, a.k.a. “the ghost of breakfast past.” Apparently it wasn’t ready to give up the ghost, and he browned his trou. Worst part, he was borrowing his girlfriend’s car. Who’s got Scotch-Gard?

  • Good morning, shishter. My best male friend moved to Denver a year ago. He’s the one that took two weeks of his life to fly out to Pittsburgh and help me drive back to Portland with all my stuff. You know, after the whole cheating husband, minister parents story. Anyway, great guy who went through the move with no one in Denver to rely upon. I’m sure he has some great advice. Email me if you’d like his cell number. I’ve already asked him to be a contact for your friend.

    Also, she’d instantly have a group of twenty or so singles, late-twenties/early-thirties-type people to hang with.

  • T

    If you think you have regularity problems, wait until you get pregnant. It’s time to break out the champagne when you finally have bm. There are some days when you think you’ve already delivered the kid.

    Besides that, you also have unbelievable gas. The little poots stink worse the big ones. Let the DH know in advance, or it could be grounds for divorce. We only have one bathroom, too.

  • a couple of weeks ago i was walking the pups in the park across the way. tigger romped into the grass and started his bended shaky leg “i’m pooping dance.” i turned my head for a minute to talk to another dog guardians (in sf you apparently don’t own your dog, you are their guardian). when i turned back to begin my recon mission of scooping, tigger was still pooping but had somehow found a huge pickle… pooping from one end and munching on a big pickle at the other. for a moment he looked like the play dough machine from hell. at some point he realized that he couldn’t “pat his head and rub his tummy” and dropped the pickle and the moment was gone.

  • Hunter

    My poop story is the best. One day I ate a can of beets for lunch. Don’t ask why – I just did. Little did I know that eating an entire can will have quite an impact. A while later I’m on the pot thinking that I just crapped out my spleen and that I’m bleeding internally. I freaked and my girlfriend came to see what was the matter. I told her we had to go to the hospital right away. As I am heading for the car, she yells from the bathroom, “Did you eat beets? These look like beet chunks!”. I’ve never eaten a beet since. Beet poop. *shiver*

  • moose

    I am amused by the way this column alternates between sedate and civilized descriptions of Denver and the scatological.

    There’s your masthead: “scatologia”

  • I really like the DTC side of town. I live in Elizabeth (SE of Denver) and it’s great out here. I second the idea that south of town is better than north around here for jobs.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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