An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

The Hamilton Legacy

At 3:30 AM yesterday morning my brother, Ranger, and his wife, Kim, gave birth to a 7 lb baby boy, thus ending a run of procreation that had shamefully produced only two girls. My brother was, until yesterday morning, the last Hamilton male capable of producing a son to carry on the Hamilton name. He’s basically lived his entire life under threat of the guillotine, constantly pressured and reminded that if he didn’t have a boy the world would collapse into a fiery ball of Hamilton-less rogue powers, none of whom could lead the world to Great Things like a Hamilton with toothless ancestors in the deep South could.

My father’s brother, Doug, an emaciated 55-yr old Jesus look-alike, is fully capable of having children, but it’s been hard over the years to meet a good woman while living at a Kentucky State penitentiary. None of us know for sure whether or not Doug has actually had children, perhaps leagues of little Hamiltons out there that even he isn’t aware of. But if we ever do find any, I’ve got several old drawings Doug has sent from prison over the years, mostly of monstrously proportioned topless women on the backs of motorcycles above the scribbling “Love, Uncle Doug” that I’d be happy to share with a long lost cousin or two or twelve.

My brother and his wife had been struggling for months over what to name the new little addition to our undeniably strange family. I mean, it’s not like someone named “Ranger” could just up and name a son “Bob” or anything, and there’s no way my father would let my brother name The Son something as common or perfectly acceptable as “Charles” or “Henry.” For a while last year Ranger was convinced that they were going to name the child “Strider Aragorn Hamilton” because, naturally, that was the name of a certain Tolkien “Ranger” and what a perfect way to carry on a theme!

I informed him in no uncertain terms that I would not refer to any member of my family as “Strider,” and that if they went ahead with the name I’d be left with no choice but to call him “Viggo.” Thank God they put down the crack pipe and decided on a much more conventional name of “Talon.”


I, however, will refer to the child by his WWF character “The Claw Hamilton.” How cool am I that I have a nephew I can call Claw?

  • Talon! Does your brother play Dungeons and Dragons? This kid is so going to get his ass kicked, Hamilton name or not.

  • Talon? Oh, isn’t that cuticle…

  • I love Talon. That’s so great.

  • Congratulations Auntie Dooce!

  • Talon — perfect. I was thinking “Night” (of Nightranger fame) but that’s just because I’ve been listening to “Sister Christian” on repeat for a while.

  • Rachel

    Who names a kid Talon, to bad he is going to get laughed at. Oh well, at least people will remember his name.

  • who names a kid Ranger?

  • Irk

    Congratulations on your new nephew! Does the kid have any sharp, pointy features?

  • Ragg Mopp

    I was almost named “Dawning”. Thank God my dad didn’t feel the urge to name me after an obscure verb like my mom.

  • According to the Mormon Name Generator (
    Talon translates to Stockton Malone. Go figure.

  • Sheeyit. Is it too late to name him Rebel?

  • Valkyrie9

    Hagran, I’m loving the Mormon Name Generator. I’m Cachelyn Channelle.

  • “Who names a kid Talon, to bad he is going to get laughed at.” Don’t worry, they won’t laugh at him here in Utah. He’ll fit right in with all the Brecklyn-s and Tolby-s and LaDon-s.

  • EC

    Wow…and they really put down that crack pipe, huh?

  • Talon is certainly unique and I have heard worse.

    Have a feeling that if the child were able to name himself, it would not be Talon. But that probably goes for a lot of people named Bobby, Sam, Frank and Louise (not there’s anything wrong with those names in particular).

  • Tee hee

    Talon isn’t so bad, but it doesn’t go with Hamilton, is there anyway to change his last name?

  • Rachel

    Smoke Fest…how was it dooce?>please reply.

  • kavin

    Kids will make fun of you regardless what you name is. You better worry about if he will have the best NIke shoes or something.

  • Jay

    I think Talon is a cool name. Is his middle name still Aragorn?

  • My dad’s name is “Manliff,” at least it only became my brother’s middle name… He is also the lone boy after two girls.

  • Barb

    seems like uncle Doug aint gonna be alone anymore..cause that’s just a crime..congrats

  • I go by ‘Clau’ all the time.

  • So long as his middle name isn’t Ted… because regardless of how talented he might grow up to be, that’s just plain wrong.

  • Would be clever if his middle name was Claude. He’ll need to grow up with a sharp sense of humor and keep an eagle eye out, or the other kids will be on him like hawks.

  • Are we related? I swear I have the same family as you… only every female child usually has two male names… Bobby Jean, Sammy Jo, etc. Talon, however, takes the cake.

  • michele

    Heather, congrats!
    Have you tried the Mormon name generator? I know it’s not real or anything but your current name is pretty funny 🙂
    Thanks for the link Hagran!

  • PJ

    My family’s karma is this: out of all us cousins, the 7 boys had girlchildren (8 of them), and we girls (only 3 of us, who no longer carry the maiden name), have all the boychildren (6 of them).
    The family name is no more, but the genes live on!

    I almost broke the Mormon Name Generator. When I put in my full maiden name, it took about three minutes (internet cable time), and told me my name is Parkarette Christmas Holiday. What, they don’t speak Polish?

  • Marie

    Talon. Are they aware that that’s french for “heel” ? If so, I hope they don’t plan to move to france anytime soon, because that would be absolutely cruel.

  • dvl

    Talon…it’s like a goth version of the androgynous name “Pat”…

  • ranger and talon. you just need fist, boomer and lightning, and you have yourself one helluva superhero squad right in your own family?

    does your brother have any superpowers we should know about?

    i just hope he doesn’t get little talon a cape. cause capes are just so 1950’s.

  • matt

    OMG! Mike was right! Your site is back up!!!


    Hope you’re doing well… miss you… move back here. ;]

    Toodles chica,

  • Kinda cool name, but some kid on a playground somewhere some year will realize that it sorta kinda resembles “tampon” … and then the fun will really begin!

    Hats off to Talon. At least he’ll probably be one of a kind. The world has too many Toms, Harrys, and, yes … Dicks.

  • Talon! nice! I like it. Screw the teasing elementary school peers, one day he’ll appreciate having an interesting name.

  • Dude. Heath. We’re totally MeleKatherine’s.

    (You know most people will read that as “heeth”, as in Ledger. But you and me, we’re right here. WE know wha’s rilly goinz on. P.S. I’m never emailing you while drunk again.)

  • At least they didn’t name him Naaman.

  • Keith

    Hmmmm. Sometimes it’s just fun to check out a name on a simple search engine. You never know what you might find:

    The Triad Area Leather Oriented Network (TALON) is a not-for-profit pansexual organization. …

  • Talon’s obviously a girl’s name.

    I tried out that Mormon name generator and ended up with Mick BonScott Burthel which, at least to my ears, sounds more like a tribute to AC/DC than Mormon.

  • Felicidades Tia Dooce!

    Speaking of names, is it true that the latest trend in Texas is little girls being named “Abcde” pronounced AB-Se-DEE?

    God, I hope someone was just yanking my chaing and it isn’t!

  • Tiff

    No name is as bad as little cousin…Brody Lane! How awful!

  • thomas

    omg, proof there should be some agency in charge of approving all names. that poor poor innocent child.

  • Irk

    Alex, that totally reminds me of a Sesame Street song Gordon used to sing about a word: AB-suh-DEF-gee-JEK-ull-ma-NOP-kwer-STU-vwix-IZ. It’s the most remarkable word I’ve ever seeeeeen….

  • Sam

    gotta love that morman name generator: I’m Symantha MaeRinda. Bizzar.
    And actually, I think it’d be interesting to have your kid named according to the LotR theme. Sad, yet interesting.

  • vee

    talon is nothing compared to many of the names out today, although whenever I hear “talon” i automatically think of long, gaudy bright green & pink nails on some chick with big hair.

  • well, he can always be like, “Excuse me, it’s pronounced ‘Tah-Long’; silent G.”

  • If I’m saddled with “Ranger” to live up to (and play on, apparently), I go with, in order:

    1. Smith
    2. Texas
    3. Lone
    4. Ford
    5. Army

    All long before I get to Talon. But that’s just me.

  • If it is any consolation, my mother’s friend suggested (a month after conception) I be named Bupinder if I was a boy and Vajaya if I was a girl.

    Thankfully, my parents named me a typical British public school ponce name.

    Let the ass kicking begin!

  • michele

    Irk: I thought that was Big Bird’s song!

  • e

    at least “talon” still has some masculinity…my cousin recently had a baby boy and named him, what I thought would be spelled, “brody”…turns out she girl-ified it and now has a son named “brodie” – he’s going to spend the first 12 years of his life getting his ass kicked until he wises up and gets himself a nickname so cool that people will wonder if he even has a real first name…

    congrats on the new nephew!

  • Sheila

    Talon is also a brand of zippers (good ones…always used them in 4-H).

    My Mormon name: Hershella Aarikkaa

    I’d like to see that on a NYC taxi cab license.

  • Sheila

    Dooce, are those flowers scarlet pimpernels?

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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