This here bringer of the pooper to the fun party

Look on the Bright Side, At Least You’ve Got Content

I’m really just about up to here with people who tell me, “Look at it this way, at least you can write about it on your website!” and then smile as if they’ve made it all better. It seems that as long as I have a website, I can’t really have a bad day, because a bad day only means great content. Who wants to read about someone else’s good day anyway? Like, who wants to read about some dimpled-face motherfucker walking on sunshine when you just woke up and realized that your pants will no longer zip up over your thighs?

Recently I have been living great content. It goes without saying that living with your parents provides nothing but volumes of self-help memoir material, mostly in the vein of How To manuals, like, How to Avoid Running into Granny While She’s Wearing Nothing But Her Heavenly Underwear: A Former Mormon’s Guide to Dealing With A Fanatical Family or How to Piss Off Your Step-Father Every Single Second of the Day, Volume One: It All Starts With Stealing His Razor to Shave Your Legs.

Other recent grumbles that make better stories than actual events to live through:

—-

I agree to go to the grocery store for Aunt Lola, who is currently suffering from a wild strain of pneumonia, and when I show up she has this “list” ready for me, only this “list” resembles not so much a list but a 400 page Masters thesis on brand awareness. It takes me three hours of roaming around a Walmart Superstore in the most depressing neighborhood of Salt Lake City to find the specific green bag of Country Cousins Sausage she must have in order for her “bowels to be gettin’ back to normal.” I cry the entire 45 minutes it takes the clerk to scan and bag all the items.

—-

I wake up with a hangover, only I didn’t drink the night before. I sleep the entire day and the entire next day and, not surprisingly, the entire third day. I wake up on the fourth day wearing the same flannel pajamas I was wearing the night I didn’t drink.

—-

All I say to the hairdresser is, “Do you think I should consider bangs?” And I know he hears me because he sort of shrugs and does this “dunno” under his breath. And three hours later after I hear the entire story of how he and his partner thought their dog was pregant but were crushed when they learned that their pregnant dog was really just a fat dog, that fucking deceitful bitch!, I walk out of the salon with the entire front side of my hair missing. I cry the entire 30 minute drive home, wondering whether or not my husband will still love a half-bald woman, only to be locked out of the house by my step-father who really needs to forgive me for the razor thing already.

  • After getting married a year ago and living in my step-grandpa’s basement, I know how it feels to see old people in thier underwear. Hang in there.

  • Ah, great post. And I know how it feels…

  • Elvis Pepper

    Look at it this way, at least you can write about it on your website!

  • I always go into the salon thinking I want bangs, but manage to talk myself out of it. I tend to attract bad hairdressers. They all think I should look like a butch lesbian from 1985. For the last time, I do *not* want my hair short on top and feathery in the back!!

  • I wish I had an “Aunt Lola”…

    The world REALLY needs more Lolas.

  • oh man. as much as i empathize with your stepfather (you just don’t screw with the razor that is used on a man’s neck), but i think hair butchers need to pay YOU after they fuck up your hair. i say you should sick your last bikini waxer on him.

  • aw Dooce, I know it can’t be that bad. Let us judge the ‘do and post pics 🙂 I am eager to see.

  • i love your site..your pics are so pretty…i will be adding you soon…be blessed.

  • I know I’ve said it before, but hey little cowgirl… Let’s have a shootout at the I’m-ok-corral.

  • i’d start to worry if i was thinking about documenting *every little thing* that happens to me on my blog…

  • *nods*

  • Not really anything to do with this post, but a question from a fellow MT’er. Those “Amuse me”, Annoy me” etc. Are those generated trough MT? Other than that, rock on! Your site is sweeeet! 😀

  • odyne

    if it makes you feel any better, when i was in middle school my brother developed a serious hip problem. solution? “oh, i’ll just make my little sister push me around school all day in a wheely chair.” not to mention the increased smacking radius a crutch provides. talk about suck.

    i’ll trade you for aunt lola’s walmart run anyday.

    oh, & – the bangs monster has gotten us all at some point, don’t worry. the general population will understand, as long as mullets still exist in the world i think you’re in the clear. that dog though? what a deceptive bitch!

  • dvl

    …a little less crying, a little more drinking…

  • But Dooce, you should *know* by now that your misery is our entertainment. If you weren’t so damn funny we wouldn’t be eating this up so.
    Can I recommend some hair gel or some barettes? Just mess with it – you can come up with something…. you know, to make it look like you did it on purpose.

  • Oh man-I sympathize. There is absoultely nothing worse than 1:seeing anyone in their heavenly underwear (or as my brother calls them: ‘Magic Jammies’) and 2:Hating a haircut so bad you actually shed tears.

    But I’m sure it’s cute: please do send pix!

  • It’s not so bad. I still haven’t heard anything about quilting parties, or green jello molds with grated carrots, or home torture, I mean home teacher visits, or visits to or from the Relief (ha!) Society, or having to suffer through the bi-annual, televised seance that is held in April and October.

    Sorry… I just realized I was counting your many blessings and naming them one by one…

  • Summer: hee! I love laughing out loud at work.

  • For the brief three months I lived with my in-laws (wife’s parents) I saw enough briefs to know precisely what you’re talking about. But, have you ever had the CNN headlines that scroll across the bottom read to you over and over and over again while you’re trying to watch the news peacefully? And, was that person that’s reading it to you in their whitey tighties?

  • Pictures of hair, sure. Pictures of Granny in her Jesus-a-roos? NO thank you. I have a hard enough time seeing myself in them without becoming physically ill. I can only imagine the therapy you’ll need after seeing Granny.

  • Um. Would a poop story help?

  • Note to Auntie Lola:

    (Who walks like a woman but talks like a man?)

    Sausage binds the bowels; beets flush them out.

  • tim

    Dooce, you’re the funniest mofo around. really. you brighten my day every day, regardless what you write.

  • Jay

    I spent the last 8 months living with my parents. Depressing? Yes. Sleep hangovers? All the time. At least you can look forward to becoming that sunshine-walking dimple-faced motherfucker when you move out.

  • yeah, i just moved back into my mom’s in january.

    content-worthy material or no, it is the definition of SUXX!

  • I desperately want to make a comment about Aunt Lola needing a sausage to make her right, but I just can’t bring myself to actually do it.

    I mean, that’s someone’s Aunt there….

  • My gf used to get her hair done at the local supercuts, with an end result of her bitching about how terrible it was. I finally convinced her to pay the fancy hairstylist people their 50 dollars for a hair cut, and she’s never gone back to supercuts. As an added bonus, I don’t have to hear her bitch.

  • My first year University I couldn’t get into residence, so I lived just off campus with an old lady. I didn’t trade sex for rent, but I still saw wayyyyyyyy too much of her barely clothed. I still cry at night.

  • kim

    well, you’re making my family seem not so bad….thanks for that!

  • Irk

    Yeah, that sucks.

  • You know, sometimes I can’t tell when you’re exaggerating your circumstance. I’m sure most of it is dramatically enhanced and comically embellished. What worries me though, is that there might actually be a shred of reality behind the surreality that you make your life sound like. Thinking of that shred makes me want to roll up in a fetal position and suck my thumb.

  • rosebaby

    To this day, my dad would be thrilled to have me move back in. He even still suggests it once in a great while. (I haven’t lived with my parents for, well, a *really* long time.

    My mother follows up any sort of offer like this with “you can stay for two weeks, tops”.

    I would, in reality, last about 4 days.

  • You really ought to steal the razor daily and make him crazy

  • Anastasia Beaverhousen

    Really. What exactly IS the deal with the “heavenly underwear”? I once asked a Mormon friend what the symbols on her bra/tank represented, and she replied “I can’t tell you,” which, i thought meant she didn’t have a clue what they meant… but in actuality, she meant she wasn’t *allowed* to tell me, and looked at me like she’d have to kill me if she did.

  • Hank

    Looking forward to you getting knocked up. Then you’ll be a Dooce-and-a-half.

  • Um, there might be one thing worse than seeing granny in her undies -walking into her room at a very flat-chested 16 years old, and surprising a very stacked Grandma sitting on the bed, *before* she has managed to get her bra on. So much therapy needed, so little time.

    (And Paul, I’m guffawing about the sausage comment over here.)

  • Lex

    Who knew that trying to make babies could be so fun?

    It might be the most fun you have in your entire life. Focusing on conception (or, more precisely, not having to worry about its contra) is incredibly liberating.

    Enjoy.

    And we all eagerly look forward to blog entries from Solar System Dooce (as in, “I’m so f****** big I’m my own f****** solar system,” as my wife once said before Child No. 2).

  • Oh, Dooce, it looks like you and I had hair disasters on the very same day. I had my friend, Carmen, who ‘cuts hair’ (which I have since found out is short for ‘mangles hair’) to trim my bangs. She seemed to think I would look better without my widow’s peak, and exclaimed thus aloud. Before I could say anything… SNIP it was gone. Now I have this weird the-stubble-formerly-known-as-my-widow’s-peak gracing my forehead. It is so ugly.

  • abi

    I just had the same ‘bangs’ conversation with my hairdresser – and she introduced me to the concept of ‘baby bangs’ – bangs, but with far less hair – it’s a wonderful transitioning thing – especially since it has been about 17 years since I grew out my last set of bangs.

  • heh, I’ve been feeling like a freak lately because my boyfriend and I will be moving in with my parents at the end of this school year. Tiny house, miserable father, one bathroom, can’t wait!! But I guess there’s at least one person who knows how I feel, lol.

  • I’m going to combine a living-at-home story with a poop story, just for you, Dooce.

    I moved out (yes, this is my number one reason) because my parents had the bathroom next to the dining room. Every morning, my getting up would wake up my father… and he’d wander to the bathroom precisely as I had my breakfast every morning, no matter how quiet or random my timing was. Either that bathroom had amazing acoustics, or my father had some severe bowel issues.

    I rarely eat breakfast now, because it’s so intrinsically associated with poop noises.

  • So that stuff about the hevenly underwear really is true?

    Seriously, it’s not really that bad. Be glad that you aren’t caring for your grandmother after she’s fallen and broken her hip because of your brother’s dog. I had to live that nightmare for two months thanks to that damn dog.

    Sadly the dog is dead now and my grandmother is now my mother’s problem. The hip is fine, but now it is a compression fracture of the spine that is causing problems.

    Ah life! Ain’t it fun?

  • deadking

    will somebody please explain to me what this heavanly underwear is about??

  • You know what, chin up sister. The sun will come out tomorrow.

    There is nothing I hate more than this kind of statement. I am not always miserable, but there is nothing more torturing to me than putting on a fake smile (or “just write about it on your website”).

  • Yeah… out of misery comes great content, and I call those great content days “Murphy Days,” where everything that can just goes wrong. You cry; you write about it; everyone else laughs and thinks that you’re a goddess and that your life is perfect. All humor comes from Murphy, Dooce. It’s just the way it is.

    If it’s any consolation, you give great content even when you’re not having a bad hair day. All you need is a bad Levi’s commercial and a really creatively twisted way of looking at it. And if I had a “How to Charm Me” section, that post definitely would have been on it.

  • pure comedy gold. that DOES make for good content.

  • LK

    i think a pic is needed to illustrate… but honestly, i think you probably make bangs look pretty damn cool.

  • robley

    i gave myself the best drunken haircut imaginable one night, but when i woke up i discovered i had a terrible sober haircut. bald spots look great on paper. i have a shaved head now and i look like a big 11 year old.

    my dad’s a pretty big douchebag, and we don’t talk often, but when we do and his douchebaggery seeps out i suggest he clean a gun or something of the sort so i can get my money.

  • EC

    I’m wondering…crying, crying, crying, 3 day hangovers without drinking? Is this a clue? Could REALLY new content be on the horizon?

  • EC is reading my mind. Sounds to me like you’re enceinte. (!)