An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

The Hamilton Legacy

At 3:30 AM yesterday morning my brother, Ranger, and his wife, Kim, gave birth to a 7 lb baby boy, thus ending a run of procreation that had shamefully produced only two girls. My brother was, until yesterday morning, the last Hamilton male capable of producing a son to carry on the Hamilton name. He’s basically lived his entire life under threat of the guillotine, constantly pressured and reminded that if he didn’t have a boy the world would collapse into a fiery ball of Hamilton-less rogue powers, none of whom could lead the world to Great Things like a Hamilton with toothless ancestors in the deep South could.

My father’s brother, Doug, an emaciated 55-yr old Jesus look-alike, is fully capable of having children, but it’s been hard over the years to meet a good woman while living at a Kentucky State penitentiary. None of us know for sure whether or not Doug has actually had children, perhaps leagues of little Hamiltons out there that even he isn’t aware of. But if we ever do find any, I’ve got several old drawings Doug has sent from prison over the years, mostly of monstrously proportioned topless women on the backs of motorcycles above the scribbling “Love, Uncle Doug” that I’d be happy to share with a long lost cousin or two or twelve.

My brother and his wife had been struggling for months over what to name the new little addition to our undeniably strange family. I mean, it’s not like someone named “Ranger” could just up and name a son “Bob” or anything, and there’s no way my father would let my brother name The Son something as common or perfectly acceptable as “Charles” or “Henry.” For a while last year Ranger was convinced that they were going to name the child “Strider Aragorn Hamilton” because, naturally, that was the name of a certain Tolkien “Ranger” and what a perfect way to carry on a theme!

I informed him in no uncertain terms that I would not refer to any member of my family as “Strider,” and that if they went ahead with the name I’d be left with no choice but to call him “Viggo.” Thank God they put down the crack pipe and decided on a much more conventional name of “Talon.”


I, however, will refer to the child by his WWF character “The Claw Hamilton.” How cool am I that I have a nephew I can call Claw?

  • Holy shit, I haven’t heard or thought about that (yes it was Big Bird) song in more than a decade, Irk. You so just threw me back into feeling like a five year old… I had that song on a reel-to-reel.

  • Is that the coolest name ever? Sadly, it is my Mormonized maiden name. I should have known better than to change it…

    I’m thinking that the sort of person who names a kid Ranger is the same sort who would name a kid Major or Deacon or King. Whereas Talon?! I mean, Talon?

  • rachel

    Ooh! Someone graffiti-ed the pedestrian sign near my workplace here in Seattle, so that it now says, “Stop! It’s the CLaw.” (They spray-painted the C in front of Law.) I always picture a large menacing claw, or talon, if you will, when I drive by, threatening law-breaking motorists. Looks like the kid needs a photo for his nursery.

  • they named him after a ship in farscape?? SO wrong…

  • Upon further reflection, I have decided that his middle name should be “Ted”.

    Talon Ted.

    Say it aloud for maximum impact.

  • don’t worry, talon is not the worst. nope, the worst is draven. he was my ex-girlfriend’s nephew. she told me that his parents saw fit to name him after a scene in their favorite movie, ‘the raven,’ in which the camera pans by the mailbox out front and the name on the box says D.Raven.

  • I think Talon is a GREAT name. Is it pronounced Tay-lawn or Tay-len? I don’t think he will get made fun of at school. Talon is no worse than Caleb or Tristan. I think all the other boys will be jealous of his name, and all the girls will want to kiss his talonous cheeks.

  • James, who posted above me got the movie wrong. The film was “The Crow”. He is such a douche.

  • PJ

    They apparently did not consider the fact that he will never be able to buy one of those kiddie license plates, a keyring, mug or anything else that has his name on it. The poor, poor child. My heart bleeds for him.

  • Talon is bad but not nearly as bad as my Mormon name.

    Congrats Dooce!

  • (Ford) Ranger, (Eagle) Talon. I see Detroit in their future…

  • For all the naysayers out there I just want to add (way late in the discussion) that if a kid is going to get picked on they are going to get picked on no matter what their name is. You don’t see bully victims named Robert decrying the fact that they have such a common name that causes them so much grief. At least Talon will stick out. I’m happy to say that I named my son Wisdom and I’m confident that his name will totatlly get him laid when his peers grow up enough to realize that being unique is a Good Thing. My name is Aaron and I suffered at the hand of many a bully. Sorry to blabber on so much, but I just don’t like the blame-the-victim mentality surrounding the naming of children. Kids get picked on because of sadistic bullies. I guess if we just named all kids the same, say “Boy” and “Girl”, all bullying would stop. Except, all the Boys would pick on all the Girls because they had “weird” names.

  • Suzyn

    Celebrities give their kids squirrely names, i.e., Telulah, Rumer and Scout Moore-Willis.

  • I finished metroid prime(video game) a month or so ago. dispite the pretty graphics of the over world Talon IV, I was really disappoint they made Samus Aran (the lead and only character) into a female pornstar look alike.
    I was distracted by the cnn so it didn’t sink in as it should.

    I haven’t engaged in a run of procreation yet but I plan to have my wife and myself cloned as our kids. therefore passing all our responsibilities to them and I wouldn’t have to work on saturdays 🙁

  • First, while not much of a fantasy fan, I love that series of books. So naturally I love the name Talon. Second, the mormon name thing goes on in my famiily as well. I have a sister named Emma-Lee and my son’s names are Greggory and Brylan. I tried to name my sister’s son John Schlong because her husband wanted the kid named after him. Baby naming is is probably the only mormon tradition I enjoy.

  • Irk

    Oops, my bad. It was Big Bird. And I’ve had that song stuck in my head since I wrote that. Blarg!

  • Hey cool, my name is

    Fauntella Birdene

  • The Drifter

    dude, that totally beats the story about how my grandpa changed his name to that of his favorite weatherman.

  • Dooce,

    I have a friend (and I am _NOT_ making this up) whose name is Tim Wolf.

    When we were kids in school the new teacher was taking attendance one day and called for “Timothy Wolf”. Tim said nothing. Again the teacher called out “Timothy Wolf” because she could see 20 names on the roll sheet and damned if there weren’t 20 kids in the little desks. Still no answer from Tim. Finally the teacher calls out “Tim Wolf” and Tim says “Here!” The teacher then asked why he did not answer to Timothy, and Tim replied “Because my name is Timber!”

    That’s right. I have a friend named Timber Wolf! I also have a friend in Sweden, and her name is Ylva. Ylva means wolf in Swedish.

    Congratulations on your new nephew!

  • Is it pronounced like the claw? I know a kid named Ta’lon and it’s pronounced Taylon.

  • And to add to the Timber story, I knew some brothers named Levi and Timber. Last name Wood. Timber freaking Wood. That name rocks.

  • i know a guy named tallon but there’s so much to pick on him about, that we don’t need to use his name as bait. he pronounces it tal-on.

  • i accidentally named my son after batman. i blame it on the drugs.

  • talon, huh?

    myself, i’m thinking “all the way” would have been a good name. but i guess that’d sound better if your brother’s name was pluralized. (rangers all the way, ha ha.)

    seriously, though, he could have named him armstrong (so appropriate) and just nicknamed him “army”. appropriate, yes?!? 😉

    i’m planning on torturing my kids (in, you know, ten years when i have them) with celtic names, myself. a bastard i am, maybe, but my elementary class had 4 mikes and 5 jennys, and when i got to college, there were a MILLION other girls with my name. i would like a name that sticks out, and i think i’ll pass that favor on.

    congrats on talon!

  • Further to my Timber Wolf story. . .

    I also have a friend named Holly. Holly Andreas. She has a birthday on October 31st. Her middle name is Wyn. Holly Wyn! That’s just cruel!

  • Talon Ted would be the best name EVER. Hahaha!!!

  • christine

    A Mormon family I grew up with: Dad-“K”; Mom-Frankie; kids-BoDawn (Binky) (f); Debrav (m); Rikayla (f); Dekail (m); Deffrin (m) – I kid you not. I may have the spelling wrong on a couple, but does it really matter with names like these? Wonder what ever happened to them.

  • Krichelle Cajun Rayne

    I got the song stuck in my head now too Irk. Found myself walking around and vacuuming to the beat of a sesame street song! Great….

  • congradulations, dooce! but, oh man… He should change his last name to “Ravenlocke” and then he could be Talon “Claw” Ravenlocke and run around Utah, playing dungeons and dragons with his real name…or not. ohman. i can’t get over this.

  • Irk

    I’m Aaronica Mauricette. Mormons are as bad as black folks with these names.

  • shy

    congrats! talon is a beautifull and adventurous name!

    i’ve just been up to my neck with baby names too…

    for my baby hamster. her name is kiwi. because she looks like a kiwi when she’s rolled up in a ball and sleeping.

    [ahem… my story, i know, isn’t as exciting as yours.]

  • Hey shy! MY name is kiwi! A nickname, actually. But I like that a hamster is named the same.

  • Looks like Auntie Dooce will have to teach him how to fight.

  • Grunt

    A friend of mine has the last name “Geto”…and when her brother had a son, they named him Harlem Jazz Geto.

    Harlem. Jazz. Geto.

  • j

    or maybe he should just be Legolas. how cool would it be to be – Legolas Hamilton. he would SO be the king of the playground with a kick-ass name like that.

  • congrats auntie dooce!

    talon ain’t so bad, really… try on Eska or Razaellan for size, and Talon seems pretty good. Although Talon Hamilton does sound like the name of a Steven Seagal character. Poor kid.

  • Lorelei

    I agree with J. Legolas Hamilton would be a kickass name.

  • We have a Talon in our family too. Only she’s a girl. With a dainty sister named Olivia. Poor kid.

  • Wow. Now that I’m hearing all these unique, totally-out-there Mormon names, I have totally decided to become Mormon.

  • patatomic

    worst name ever:
    bronze swallow

    my wife dated this guy for a bit.

    best porn name ever:
    wayne sunset

    this belongs to my friend, joe.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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