Heater, Mother of Lance

My Favrit Nabors

I’m not ashamed to admit that I don’t like kids, or at least most kids. Most kids are abrasive and annoying and should be treated like a fungus. I have no problem with babies because babies at least smell good. This might seem like a huge problem considering that my husband and I are actively pursuing a family of our own, but I firmly believe that all kids don’t need to be sprayed with Formula 409 Degreaser or duct-taped to a chair and gagged in a daily basis, and I’m willing to take my chances. Some kids are super cool.

Some kids include the four girls who live next door to my mother. The oldest is Maddy, age 10, followed by a set of twins, Alex and Ally, age 8, and the youngest is Isabelle, age 6. They are the coolest set of sisters I have ever met, and I don’t ever get tired of listening to them talk and talk about what they learned in science class today, like how flies produce a viscous mucus everytime they land on something, so I had better watch out for flies! They are refreshingly fearless, always walking around with worms or bugs in their cupped hands, or digging up snails and throwing them over the fence so that their shells will make that spectacular cracking sound when they hit the concrete on the other side. When I was their age I would have been on a Save The Snails campaign and cried if I ever found one in pain, and when I told Alex this she said, “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.” I so want to be Alex when I grow up.

I’ve taught the three oldest sisters to do backflips and back-hand-springs on the trampoline, and everytime I go over to play they’ve mastered another acrobatic feat and CAN’T WAIT to show me. The youngest is too small to do flips, but she’s constantly entertaining us with her itty-bitty helium voice and 40-yr old attitude. One of the twins won her school’s spelling bee the other day by spelling ADOPT the right way, and Isabelle, wanting to be included in the conversation says, “Heather, I ADOPT you! [giggle giggle] I’m just KIDDING! I CAN’T ADOPT! I’M STILL LITTLE!”

Chuck gets to play with their Australian Shepherd, Max, who is at the same time the most poncy and most aggro dog on the planet. They play for hours at a time, biting each other’s necks and ears and falling all over each other like little homosexual canine lovers. Chuck has a permanent grass burn on his nose from trying to bite Max’s ankles and failing miserably.

When we told them several weeks ago that we were going to move out of my mother’s basement and into our own house they didn’t quite know how to react. Why couldn’t we live with my mother forever? (BECAUSE I WOULD EVENTUALLY KILL MY STEP-FATHER IN HIS SLEEP, that’s why, but I didn’t share that with them, they probably wouldn’t understand) I assured them that I would come and visit often and that they could come see my new house and we could totally play Barbies in my new basement.

This weekend their mother brought over a set of good-bye cards they’d made for me and Jon and Chuck. And seriously, if ever there was a reason to like kids, these cards are totally that reason. Especially since the pictures they drew of me are eerily accurate and flattering in a we-don’t-remember-your-septic-tank-poopy-red-hair kind of way.

I’m totally going to miss them.

Here’s what Alex thinks I look like (click on image for the whole card):

Here’s what Ally thinks Chuck looks like (click on image for the whole card):

Here’s what Isabelle thinks I look like (click on image for the whole card):

  • Tiffany

    2003/04/16 at 8:36 am

    Sometimes kids prove themselves worthy of not entering the food chain as prey. I’m glad you’ve found a few who qualify.

  • Jenny

    2003/04/16 at 8:42 am

    Aw. I love babies! And I also offend 9-year-olds by calling them babies. Hey, you’re a baby as long as you’re being cute, and these girls are definitely being cute.

    Sidenote, are they curly-headed blondes? Because that’s how I’ve pictured them. With huge eyes. I LOVE BABIES!

  • Heather K.

    2003/04/16 at 8:42 am

    I have the opposite problem. Babies gross me out. I like kids. Don’t want any of my own, though. 🙂

  • abi

    2003/04/16 at 8:46 am

    well done…I go from having hope for the next generation, to thinking what a waste – after this, I will have hope for at least for a couple of days.

  • Ariel

    2003/04/16 at 8:48 am

    That shade of lipstick is so very you.

  • FilteringCraig

    2003/04/16 at 8:49 am

    I had a similar experience with a group of second graders that I tought for about five weeks. I grew to love the immature sense of humor, their eagerness, and their willingness to ask whatever was on their minds. I even got used to their incessant farting.

    The thank-you notes I got from them were priceless. I wrote about them here.


  • Naaman

    2003/04/16 at 8:56 am

    I love that sound!

  • s00ka

    2003/04/16 at 8:59 am

    i’m totally with you on the babies vs. kids – they’re great until they start talking.

    btw, you’ve got quite the generous mouth there – according to those (pretty neat) kids – i bet you go through a lot of lipstick

  • antisocial diva

    2003/04/16 at 9:18 am

    why did the virgin suicides pop into my mind?

    those kids are cute and sweet and thoughtful. but i am childfree and so, so glad that none of my neighbors have kids. the sound of a little boy on a pogo stick the next street over drives me batty.

  • the mighty jimbo

    2003/04/16 at 9:19 am

    dooce, if ANYONE in utah should be breeding, it’s YOU.

    we need more people like you.

  • bucci

    2003/04/16 at 9:34 am

    Is there something coming out of the dog’s bottom unit?

  • brittney

    2003/04/16 at 9:43 am

    I believe I see shades of septic tank poopy red hair in that first one.

  • nikky

    2003/04/16 at 9:44 am

    Maddy,Alex, Ally,and Isabelle sound like ‘SuperKids’. You know, the ones that are intellectually light years ahead of their peers. They get up at 4:30am to make their ballet, karate, figure skating, piano class before school starts. Then it’s off to baseball, soccer and gymnastics practice after school. These kids go on to be doctors, lawyers, astronauts, etc.

    When I was a kid I used to be jealous of SuperKids. Now, while these SuperKids have grown up to save the world, here I am sitting in my cubicle hoping the boss doesn’t find me on dooce.com …

  • dayment

    2003/04/16 at 9:52 am

    Dooce do you know when you are moving yet? Leaving these girls is tragic.
    Please visit them often.

  • The Deuce

    2003/04/16 at 9:53 am

    what a rip-off. i thought from today’s headline, dooce was going to treat us to her favorite memories of actor/gospel singer jim nabors, who played gomer on “the andy griffith show,” a bartlett, tenn. favorite. shazam. maybe tomorrow.

  • Try to fly away and i choke

    2003/04/16 at 10:09 am

    yoah. houses, kids, breeding. i am out of the loop for a few months and find an almost (but not really) alternate dooce. what happened to the survivor margaritas and lousy hollywood parties? sounds like you’re happy, though, so i am happy for you and hubby. congrats on the house.

  • symbiant

    2003/04/16 at 10:25 am

    Sort of makes me want to talk with my S.O. about breeding. Well, at least practice anyway.

  • chorizo

    2003/04/16 at 10:42 am

    babies smell good?

  • Beerzie Boy

    2003/04/16 at 10:46 am

    A truism: Many people suck and some people rock; many kids suck and some kids rock.

    MY 3 little guys ROCK, and even if they don’t, I don’t notice or care.

    You will be the same, too. Don’t deny it.

  • sparklers

    2003/04/16 at 11:03 am

    dooce, as a recovering heather, i feel for you. these pictures here are PRICELESS.

    you light up my life with my weekly wanderings over to dooceland.

    and not to mention the furry beast and the newly defurred husband. oh, the realtor, with the hand up your ass.

  • Dawn

    2003/04/16 at 11:04 am

    Congrats on the new place!

  • ardenstone

    2003/04/16 at 11:13 am

    and besides, if you don’t manage to have kids that rock, you can always give them away to gypsies and try again!

  • shy

    2003/04/16 at 11:17 am

    babies don’t always smell good…

  • Jay

    2003/04/16 at 11:21 am

    Way to go on the new hizouse! Don’t go turning into one of those sunshine-walking dimple-faced motherfuckers on us now that you’re moving out of the basement. 😉

  • eddeaux

    2003/04/16 at 11:47 am

    Those cards are awesome-
    makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside-

    We all love dooce

  • bit2byte

    2003/04/16 at 11:49 am

    kid art is just so cool.

    It’s a dooce makeover: Isabelle’s pic is a before / alex’s is after. of course chuck looks perfect with those super round paws. these must be framed and displayed proudly in the new nest, part of the art collection that will come to be known as dooce and jon’s “early years” .

  • Sarah B.

    2003/04/16 at 11:51 am

    See, THAT is why I want to have kids. But a Saturday afternoon at Super Walmart usually cures me of that.

  • Carrie

    2003/04/16 at 12:02 pm

    In Ally’s picture, it looks to me like Chuck has a little Septic-Tank-Poopy-Red-Fur thing going on. Love the cards! They are sweet.
    Some kids really *do* rock.

  • Heather #2

    2003/04/16 at 12:17 pm

    Best Comment Made on a 2003 Blog: “Sometimes kids prove themselves worthy of not entering the food chain as prey.”

    I will love you even if you DO become a sunshine-walking, dimple-faced motherfucker, whatever that is.

  • Yahmdallah

    2003/04/16 at 12:39 pm

    When you have kids of your own, you adore and love them in a way that’s sometimes painful. The sun and moon rise and set on their precious little heads. However, you still feel the same about other people’s kids as you always have. If ya couldn’t stand’em before, you still can’t after. Ditto for liking them. Moral: don’t let other people’s brats ruin it for you.

    Oh, and babies smell wonderful. Especially your own. Our daughter kept her baby smell until she was four.

  • Zandria

    2003/04/16 at 12:40 pm

    I completely agree about the kids thing. I don’t think they would be quite so annoying if parents didn’t let them run wild (and subsequently become little terrors!). Sometimes I feel like saying, “Other people have to put up with your bratty children too…”

  • lee

    2003/04/16 at 12:47 pm

    Alex will be the artist. Ally the writer. Look at how different the twins’ cards were.

    Kids rock.

  • Danika

    2003/04/16 at 12:54 pm

    Awww those kids sound great!! Visit them often!

  • lordgoon

    2003/04/16 at 1:54 pm

    My niece and nephew are clearly far, far cooler than these kids will ever be. Rest assured that if either of them were ever in possession of a magic marker that gloriously and singularly poop-colored, they would certainly not be wasting their time drawing pictures of a dog.

  • Kevin

    2003/04/16 at 2:21 pm

    Isn’t it amazing how kids adapt to society? I never drew highlights in hair when I was little.

  • angelique

    2003/04/16 at 3:07 pm

    dooce, i hear ya on the closing thing… i actually work for *the* biggest lender in the country… stagecoach… you figure it out. i am in post-closing and loan servicing… i hear every day the woes of people who were mislead and/or improperly educated on the finer points of lending. please feel free to email me if you wanna blow off steam about the whole process. i advise mortgagers all day. i completely understand how you feel. 40+pages of docs is a tremendous amount… and the title work, insurance, taxes, appraisals….. rediculous.

  • Alex

    2003/04/16 at 4:25 pm

    Yes! Children like those are the reason I would have any. The world needs more cool people.
    When my nieces and nephews bust out with some magnificent one-liners, I’m always amazed at how truthful and insightful they can be. Plus, it’s super fucking cool to aid them in there evil pranks!

  • Missjenjen

    2003/04/16 at 4:30 pm

    There should be more kids like these. Then I might consider actually procreating and actively restraining myself from shooting the kiddies in the mall.

  • B

    2003/04/16 at 4:57 pm

    snot, drool, liquid poop, every color of vomit not found in nature (always on you favorite stuff), rash, gas, insomnia, 300db screams, whining, moping, thinking you’re a bitch, intolerance, rebellion, their own blog bitching about you, crappy flowers on mothers day, college tuition wasted on partying, not paying rent, eating your food, paying only lip service, dating that slut just to piss you off, marrying the worst possible choice, not naming the first born girl after you, etc, so on, so forth.

    How much more could you ask for? granted children are cute for 3 hours a day, to bad often it’s when they’re sleeping

    but if it weren’t for my mom, I couldn’t be here after doing all that to her (well most of it (some of it is you)) and you know what? I’ll love her more than anyone on this fucking planet ’till I die

    there you go

    get knocked baby!
    and more power to ya’

  • Sheila

    2003/04/16 at 5:20 pm

    Maybe if you’d drawn an analogy between the snails and your father-in-law…they’d have understood.

    Kids’ art is the best; my sister framed a few of my niece’s things…and I feel like stealing it off the walls when I visit.

    Good luck with establishing the Anderson homestead.

  • suoica

    2003/04/16 at 6:15 pm

    the best part about kids is that they belong to someone else.

    and when you finish reading “Running With Scissors”, you should read “The Corrections” by Jonathan Franzen,

  • da

    2003/04/16 at 6:29 pm

    ..life is good,life is sweet, grab yourself a front row seat…

  • alex

    2003/04/16 at 7:53 pm

    wowies! cool pictures! oh, and those child drawings are ok too.

  • Irk

    2003/04/16 at 8:21 pm

    I would like to see those young artists’ renderings of the realtor’s hand up your ass.

  • Sarah B.

    2003/04/16 at 9:49 pm

    So were you wearing a blue shirt or were you wearing a green shirt?

  • EC

    2003/04/16 at 10:03 pm

    When a bunch of kids love you enough to make you some cards, you know you gotta be doing something right.

  • dvl

    2003/04/16 at 11:39 pm

    keep looking at those cards long enough and I guarantee you will begin to hear you uterus doing flips…. and that is the sound of you being ready to have some of your own.

  • jenn m

    2003/04/17 at 2:53 am

    I think they draw better than I do. Where do I sign up for lessons?

  • Glovia

    2003/04/17 at 4:40 am

    Oh that is totally sweet. Don’t you just feel all kinds of loved?

  • deb

    2003/04/17 at 4:42 am

    I still do detest most kids. They are generally annoying and spoiled.

    Just not my own. They are the cutest and most infuriating individuals on the planet.

    I apologized to my mother after having kids because I realised what she must have gone through with us. And I saw her in a different light.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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