the smell of my desperation has become a stench

My Comrade in Carmen and Constipation

Recent email exchange between me and my best friend in Utah:

HER: How are you? Are you feeling less stressed? I hope things are going smoothly for you guys.

Let’s start with my comment which is as follows: The only reason Carmen is still on Idol is due to her overly enthusiastic “I need to prove that we’re here and we’re cool” SLC fan base. Case in point, The 2002 SLC Winter Olympics.

ME: Yesterday was terrible, mainly because, as usual, I was totally constipated. I walked around for several hours with a chunk of GRANITE in my lower intestine. Jon just doesn’t seem to understand constipation at all. He was like, “Don’t push! Just sit there and let it happen.” And I’m like, YOU try letting a kitchen countertop just squeeze through your sphincter ALL BY ITSELF. IT AIN’T GONNA HAPPEN.

Enough about my bowels. So sorry.

I really hope Carmen goes home tonight because I just can’t take the pain anymore. I wince when she walks onstage. It’s like throwing a little lamb to the wolves — a little lamb who deserves it — but a little lamb nonetheless. She’s terrible and can’t sing in tune and has that totally freaky wobbly vibrato thing that she produces by wiggling her chin, for christ’s sake. I can’t take it anymore.

HER: Do I know constipation? The only item in our house besides diapers that I buy in bulk is Citrucel. I carry little emergency packets in my purse and a bottle of the Citrucel caplets in my overnight bag. I keep the big canister of Citrucel Tang in the kitchen. In fact, my major Christmas present from my husband this year was two gallon size containers of Citrucel. As far as when it happens, when you have a big stone stuck up your ass, it’s almost like you have to dig the sucker out. I am so sorry for you. I am glad you finally pooped.

Carmen, please go home! She needs to go home so I can stand living in Utah. Having her on stage reminds me of all the freaks, including my brother who lives in Bountiful with her. Maybe we can cut the power and phone lines tonight in the SLC area so no one here can vote. They probably announced in her church Sunday, “Don’t forget to call The American Idol Show and vote for our Carmen. She represents us.” blah, blah, BARF…

ME: I’m so glad I can talk to you about constipation!

Oh, and I know my family is going to tell me that the reason Carmen is still on the show is because every resident of Bountiful, Utah, is paying their tithing. I guess the Church really is true!

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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