An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Weekend Plans

This weekend we’re going to buy this lawnmower so that we can attend to the 2-foot high wall of grass about to swallow the house. This morning I lost Chuck in the jungle lining the back fence. I swear I could hear Jeff Probst playing congo drums inside my garage.

Then we’re going to Purchase $19.80 worth of music from the iTunes Music Store, The Best Store On Earth, because we will deserve it after mowing that lawn — 10 songs for Jon, 10 songs for me. While I will try to restrict my purchases to Songs That Make Me Look Cool, I might have to give in and buy “Tonight” by New Kids on The Block, because really, what collection is complete without a little bit of Jordan Knight? I know Apple is still working on expanding the available selections and I just need to be patient, but they REALLY need to hurry up and catalog the entire Milli Vanilli discography.

Sunday we might go see The Maternal Units for Mother’s Day, which means we should probably arrive bearing presents, but what the hell do you give The Avon World Sales Leader that she doesn’t already have? I can’t get her jewelry or make-up, or even matching pantsuits, and Skin So Soft is out of the question. I thought about flowers, but she can’t travel with flowers and by the time she gets home at the end of the week from working in California, those flowers will be dead and nothing tells a mother that you love her more than dead and rotting peonies. Perhaps she’d like a mix CD with a collection of indie rock, maybe some Arab Strap and Interpol. My 58-yr old mother will LOVE Ugly Cassanova, especially that one song where he sings about cum on the piano and disco dancing neighbors born in mashed potatoes.

It’s going to be a great weekend.

  • First!
    Hey at least you don’t have the razor grass they had to go through on Eco-Challenge.

    Poor Chuck.

    Enjoy mowing!!

  • I think my mom is going to be way into Jon Spencer Blues Explosion. I started her mix off with “Baby baby you sure like to fuck!”

    P.S. I still listen to my Milli Vanilli tape. Once, I listened to it while making out. I wonder what he though.

  • Thought. What he THOUGHT.

  • Just in case you were considering it: Crotchless Panties are out, also. What with having to wear them over the garments and all.

  • the boxes are almost gone, the lawn will be mowed, chuck has a new yard to mine, you have a whole bunch of new tunes and it’s almost memorial day.

    i’m thinking housewarming party.

    i’ll bring the jello shots. well, it’s utah, so maybe jello shots without the booze.

  • jimbo: this is utah, there will be carrot slices in the jello.

  • jen

    would that jodi watley song be “friends” or “looking for a new love”?

  • How about a Top Gun CD and poster-size print of George W. in his Top Gun outfit?

    That’s what I’m getting my mom.

  • How about a Top Gun DVD and poster-size print of George W. in his Top Gun outfit?

    That’s what I’m getting my mom.

  • jen

    dammit! I post, refresh and it’s gone!

  • I’m so proud of myself that I said it twice.

  • pinky

    What about a flowering plant? Your annoying stepfather can water it while mom’s away. Then, if you sneak over and eat all the bologna, you can blame it on the plant.

  • now i’m going to have that song in my head ALL DAY.

    “see the girls with the curls in their hair. the buttons and the pins and the loud fanfare…”

    just keep your mitts off joey.

  • A nice Chaus or Liz Claiborne blouse always works for my mommy.

  • How about the best of The Bee Gees?

  • april

    Ahhhh. My first love used to sing “I’m gonna miss you” over the phone every night before I’d have to leave for family vacations. I think I’d STILL cry if I heard it now. I still have the cassette single amongst the fake gas station roses and teddy bears that he gave me.

  • bdk&e

    Maybe you should have come with us to the Paint Your Own Pottery Place. We’re giving the Grandma’s ceramic multi-colored dinosaurs. K. picked them out and painted them his 3 year-old-self. And I promise not to take your big toe nail off with the Pottery Store door. I promise.–As for your lawn, (1.) At least its not as bad as ours. (2.) At least Chuck was wearing Forced Safari.

  • jodi

    dooce… you ROCK! Every time I come to this site (several times a day… I have a boring job) you are saying something that makes me pee my pants. $4.50 for coffee…indeed.
    My mom? She once told me that all she wants is for me to be happy. So I told her I was divorcing my husband and shaking up with a man 7 years older with an 11 year old daughter. She freaked. Now, she won’t answer that “What do you want for Mother’s Day” question anymore…

  • bdk&e

    Do any of us ever proof read anymore?

    I mean at least Chuck WAS NOT wearing Forced Safari.

  • John

    You should get you mom a nice travelling alarm clock. She IS the leading blah blah blah of Avon you know.

  • I’m getting my mother (the woman who has everything), a book about mothers with pictures of animals and funny sayings. I found it at CVS next to the card section. I think it’s by Hallmark. Yeah, it is cheesey, but my mom loves the cheese…

  • peudepois

    Or you could get her the Dr. Seuss Book, “Are you my mother?”

  • Definitely an Interpol CD will do the trick. Because the subways are pornos in NY and Stella is a catatonic sex toy.

  • Oly smack. I totally forgot about “Tonight”. Now I really wanna hear it. I think I’m comfortable with that. Does that make me a bad person?

  • I’m stuck on the whole what-to-buy-the-mom-who-doesn’t-have-everything-but-she-thinks-she-does thing, too.

    One thing I won’t get her is a funeral. Apparently she’s made all the arrangements already, including making payments to the local funeral home for a year. This came up unexpectedly over nachos and enchiladas the other day. Lemme tell you, nothing goes with Mexican food quite like the burial instructions for your mom. At least she’s paying for it. I don’t plan on being so generous to my kids.

  • How about a coupon or gift certificate treating her to an all day pampering at some healthy spa of some kind… like for back rubs and stuff?

  • Things I Will Not Get My Mom For Mother’s Day: a bucket, a NKOTB cd, a cigar, a dildo, a Steven Segal dvd three-pak, bubble gum, an umbrella, shaving cream, a pencil, marshmellows, a fishing pole, an axe, a bra, a bag of nails, or a christmas tree.

    I know. Obviously I don’t love her as much as some of you love your moms. But I’m working on it.

  • For my first trip ever NYC (it was a high school field trip) my chaperone “Toph” made cool red t-shirts with white puffy lettering that read “Hangin’ Toph – New Kids on the Square”. Get it? “Toph”? “New Kids on the[Times] Square”? oh, okay, you do get it. Anyway, when we were downtown at some very gay men’s clothing store, we saw Jordan (we ogled and giggled but, oddly for 14-year olds, did not approach him). He saw us staring at him and gave us the middle finger. A few hours later we saw him at Tower Records, and when he made eye contact with me, he flipped me off again. Why does Jordan hate me?

  • click my name to link to the best mother’s day present EVER!

    and it’s good for father’s day, birthdays, graduation presents, housewarmings (jimbo), and so on.

    really, any occasion.

  • Wow, y’all are high rollin’. My mom is getting the breakfast entree of her choice at the local Perkins-like chain, the pleasure of my company, and maybe even the pleasure of my dad’s absence.

  • Get her “The Best of Tom Jones.” Ten to one you’ll catch her cranking “She’s a Lady” when she’s polishing the furniture.

    Whoa whoa whoa, she’s a lady!

  • EC

    I thank yer gonna need the weed wacker fer that one, Miss.

    I like Anna jr’s suggestion. Too bad they’re not available in strawberry scent.

  • Get her a Pete Seeger CD. Does it get any better?

  • Every Year:
    My brother buys ‘Godiva Coffee’ for my mother.

    My sister buys nothing.

    My brother in law buys his parents a rose bush year after year. It’s a ‘tradition’ that’s become a way of giving the same stupid gift every year and have it be meaningful. Please note this for your own use.

    I buy something relating to the grandchildren (my mother’s first and only), a picture in a frame. A casting of their little hands. A garden stepping stone.

    Dooce, having a baby is the EASIEST way to a neverending stream of thoughtful gifts for the parents.


    As for that lawn mower. Holy Hell…if Logan had that thing he’d be *begging* to mow the freaking lawn.

  • Carrot slices in the jello???

    Oh, for the love of Pete!

  • I bought that exact same lawnmower on Monday at Sears. I’ve been so exited to try it out but it’s rained every day since, then on Thursday I saw a break in the storms and mowed 6 inches of soggy lawn.

  • ohmygod New Kids!
    *tears self out of happy grade school past*
    whew that was a fun memory, thanks! lol

  • Mom’s day gift ideas that are gay, but mom likes-

    I went to a place in Denton, TX called Kil’n Time- you paint pottery and then they glaze and fire it. It was fun, 35.00 dollars, and the perfect gift for the mom who has everything. Unfortunately, I waited too long so it won’t be ready until Wednesday…

  • try having a sister who works at starbucks – for the mom who loves coffee, nothing’s better than getting a free pound per week. *shakes head*

  • archtop

    How about a 5gig iPod and an offer to load 4.9 gigs of Avon contacts??? (5 gig old models go for song)

  • archtop

    DO NOT buy a Briggs & Stratton Sears!!! Get a Honda mower, YOU WILL NOT REGRET THAT!!!!

  • Pretty damn cool lookin’ contraption there.

  • ChibaCity

    A lawn mower. In Utah. Well, as they say in California, so long as the aqueducts flow, so long as the Pharaoh’s geometers have calculated the gradients correctly, then it’s bread and circuses ’til the valley earth salts up. Beyond the hundredth meridian indeed.

  • Make sure the lawn mower looks cool. Because they *can* be a fashion accessory these days. Remember, reliability is second to fashion. Always.

  • ditto archtop on the whole briggs and stratton thing. we have a japanese one at home now, but it ain’t honda. imagine a wishlist with lawnmowers on it…

  • “Tonight” is by far the best song recorded by NKOTB.

  • Hey Dooce – let’s do a CD trade!

  • Wasn’t “Tonight” the NKOTB song that was a ripoff of a later Beatles song? (like last two albums–Abbey Road or Let It Be). I remember telling my sister that, even though she was only 2 years younger than me. She was into all that stuff, New Kids, Debbie Gibson, etc., while I never was. And I got dragged to a Debbie Gibson concert once but I don’t remember it at all, so I must have blocked it out of my memory completely…Well, maybe I’m just remembering wrong about NKOTB. Maybe I’m just a little too drunk. Shit, who knows! =P

  • At least you’re getting one of those self-propelled mowers. I live with my sister, and she bought her own house last May but still hasn’t gotten around to buying a lawnmower yet. Last year her then-boyfriend also lived with us, and he would go to my mom’s house (about 4 miles away) to borrow their mower, and then mow the grass for us. They’re not together anymore — needless to say the grass isn’t being cut as often as it needs to be.

  • arnold

    It’s congA not congO. Unless you mean drums from the Congo which is now Zaire. I think.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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