An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Weekend Plans

This weekend we’re going to buy this lawnmower so that we can attend to the 2-foot high wall of grass about to swallow the house. This morning I lost Chuck in the jungle lining the back fence. I swear I could hear Jeff Probst playing congo drums inside my garage.

Then we’re going to Purchase $19.80 worth of music from the iTunes Music Store, The Best Store On Earth, because we will deserve it after mowing that lawn — 10 songs for Jon, 10 songs for me. While I will try to restrict my purchases to Songs That Make Me Look Cool, I might have to give in and buy “Tonight” by New Kids on The Block, because really, what collection is complete without a little bit of Jordan Knight? I know Apple is still working on expanding the available selections and I just need to be patient, but they REALLY need to hurry up and catalog the entire Milli Vanilli discography.

Sunday we might go see The Maternal Units for Mother’s Day, which means we should probably arrive bearing presents, but what the hell do you give The Avon World Sales Leader that she doesn’t already have? I can’t get her jewelry or make-up, or even matching pantsuits, and Skin So Soft is out of the question. I thought about flowers, but she can’t travel with flowers and by the time she gets home at the end of the week from working in California, those flowers will be dead and nothing tells a mother that you love her more than dead and rotting peonies. Perhaps she’d like a mix CD with a collection of indie rock, maybe some Arab Strap and Interpol. My 58-yr old mother will LOVE Ugly Cassanova, especially that one song where he sings about cum on the piano and disco dancing neighbors born in mashed potatoes.

It’s going to be a great weekend.

  • arnold, here’s your congo drum, drumbsnob:

  • i’m getting my mom some books to read during her chemotherapy treatments.

  • J

    damn. I had the biggest crush in the world on Donny Wahlberg. And now he’s this walking brick wall. Donny baby what happened?
    Although I have to say that because I have this tranluscent veneer of street cred (only apparent in certain light), I pretend I don’t know who they’re talking about when people mention NKOTB. *hangs head in shallow shame*
    Forgive me Donny. Ours will always have to be a secret lurve…

  • J

    Dooce, I also just had to say that your site has GOT to come with a gov health warning because dammit! it’s so addictive!

  • eponymous

    A couple of years back I got my mother one of the “Worst Case Senario” books. I am not sure, but I don’t think that she saw the humor in it.

  • Hey, I knew my iPod library wasn’t complete until I had “Tonight” by NKOTB on it. Because really, after “Step by Step” and “Didn’t I Blow Your Mind” no library is complete without “Tonight.”

  • bk

    I have that same mower… only it’s the model from 2 years ago, and it doesn’t have the variable speed feature. If your blade goes dull, it will drop a ton of grass poopies, so that’s when you know it’s time to buy a new blade. Mow on!

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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