the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Weekend Plans

This weekend we’re going to buy this lawnmower so that we can attend to the 2-foot high wall of grass about to swallow the house. This morning I lost Chuck in the jungle lining the back fence. I swear I could hear Jeff Probst playing congo drums inside my garage.

Then we’re going to Purchase $19.80 worth of music from the iTunes Music Store, The Best Store On Earth, because we will deserve it after mowing that lawn — 10 songs for Jon, 10 songs for me. While I will try to restrict my purchases to Songs That Make Me Look Cool, I might have to give in and buy “Tonight” by New Kids on The Block, because really, what collection is complete without a little bit of Jordan Knight? I know Apple is still working on expanding the available selections and I just need to be patient, but they REALLY need to hurry up and catalog the entire Milli Vanilli discography.

Sunday we might go see The Maternal Units for Mother’s Day, which means we should probably arrive bearing presents, but what the hell do you give The Avon World Sales Leader that she doesn’t already have? I can’t get her jewelry or make-up, or even matching pantsuits, and Skin So Soft is out of the question. I thought about flowers, but she can’t travel with flowers and by the time she gets home at the end of the week from working in California, those flowers will be dead and nothing tells a mother that you love her more than dead and rotting peonies. Perhaps she’d like a mix CD with a collection of indie rock, maybe some Arab Strap and Interpol. My 58-yr old mother will LOVE Ugly Cassanova, especially that one song where he sings about cum on the piano and disco dancing neighbors born in mashed potatoes.

It’s going to be a great weekend.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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