the smell of my desperation has become a stench

A Selection of Recent, Random and Wholly Unrelated Observations, Volume IV

Paradise to me is sitting on the front porch of the house I own, sipping a freshly brewed cup of coffee, and watching my dog go poop.

Although there are probably many things you don’t necessarily want to hear your hair stylist say while he or she is in the act of styling your hair, I have to believe that the two things at the top of that list are “oops” and “we’ll be done in one sec, right after I tease the back of your hair and douse it with aerosol hairspray.”

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are tools of the devil.

409 Degreaser and All Purpose Cleaner will clean ANYTHING, and as I discovered delightfully yesterday, will also take the Frito smell out of a dog’s feet.

My husband recently pointed out that in Utah “diverse” simply means “non-Mormon.”

One shot of tequila is five times more powerful than three shots of bourbon. Unfortunately, it took five shots of tequila to figure that out.

Sometimes when you reunite with a friend you haven’t seen in half a decade that friend will look like he hasn’t aged A SINGLE DAY, and that’s when you have to really ask yourself, is he really a friend at all?

There is no such thing as good seafood when you’re living in a land-locked desert, people.

I just got a spam with the subject line, “Got septic issues?” and I’m like, GOD! How did they know?

  • three-legged pi

    2003/05/22 at 7:24 am

    Why is your dog eating Fritos?

  • Chad

    2003/05/22 at 7:32 am

    How long until PETA finds out you spray your dog with 409 cleaner?

  • jess

    2003/05/22 at 7:33 am

    so that’s why reese peanut butter cups taste so good.

  • slackjaw

    2003/05/22 at 7:34 am

    Not eating…stepping in them.

    Unless you think he’s sweating them out through his pours…hmmmm I hadn’t thought of that. That would mean his tongue should smell like Fritos as well…

    Perhaps he stores them in his toes for later consumption.

  • mihow

    2003/05/22 at 7:39 am

    At least they’re not trying to use the phrase “Fresh Seafood.”

  • erin

    2003/05/22 at 7:40 am

    so what you’re saying is fish shouldn’t taste like it’s been frozen on a truck for a week?

  • Renee

    2003/05/22 at 7:49 am

    Any idea on how to clean a cat’s butt without getting your arms sliced up? Sigh. My older cat Phyllis is a little messy back there. My boyfriend likes to call her “Crusty Butt”–“come here, Crusty Butt!” Sometimes she’ll actually respond to that name! “Mrow?”

  • Bill Smith

    2003/05/22 at 7:52 am

    In like your picture from your May 19 posting “This is Going to Be A Long One, So Don’t Say I Didn’t Warn You.” You are a very beautiful woman.

  • zach

    2003/05/22 at 7:54 am

    along with reeses, chinese buffets are also tools of satan and will provide us with the downfall of man.

  • Jenny

    2003/05/22 at 7:58 am

    Rumor has it that seafood here can be considered even MORE fresh than by the sea, cause they pull it out of the sea and freeze it right away and we get it the next morning… where by the sea it sits outside in a street-side market for a few hours first.

    Then again, I did hear this from an employee at Gastronomy. Hm.

  • April

    2003/05/22 at 7:59 am

    Simple Green will also clean almost anything and smells oh so very good.

  • Kyle

    2003/05/22 at 8:00 am

    Basic rule of thumb: If you can’t see the ocean from the restaurant you’re in, don’t order seafood.

  • Naaman

    2003/05/22 at 8:03 am

    Oh no, next she’ll be telling us to “Put some 409 on it” if we get a zit or a cut or something.

  • ~Angel

    2003/05/22 at 8:06 am

    would you listen if she did?

  • Libby

    2003/05/22 at 8:12 am

    It is odd that a dog’s foot seems to naturally (on a good day) smell like frito. Why can’t hominids be so lucky?! I’d give a lotta money for a spray that makes my some men’s feet smell like frito, to hell with the 409. Perhaps you should market “Chuck frito foot spray?” Just a thought.

  • Kami

    2003/05/22 at 8:19 am

    Naaman, has seen “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” 1 too many times. . . 😛

    Renee, I’m highly disturbed by the words “Crusty Butt” :X

    I personally find Reese’s Pieces Candy to be more of a spawn of the devil than the Reese’s Cups. That’s just me though. *cough*

  • Keith

    2003/05/22 at 8:22 am

    If Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are tools of the devil, then I think the underworld may have finally hit upon the right temptation for me. A white chocolate version. How many do you think I can get for one slightly used soul?

  • the mighty jimbo

    2003/05/22 at 8:33 am

    good seafood advice, dooce.

    it’s a good rule to eat by. don’t order seafood in the desert. don’t order vegetarian in texas. and don’t order sushi outside of the west coast.

    i am curious however as to how a dog’s feet begin to smell like Fritos. i’m not sure what that says about your dog. or what it says about fritos.

  • christine

    2003/05/22 at 8:37 am

    Eww Fritos feet. Last week at the movies, the guy behind us had his feet up on the seat next to my husband. Bob said he kept getting wafted with the smell. Don’t ask me why we didn’t move down a bit. I couldn’t smell ’em, but I asked Bob if they smelled like Fritos. He had never made the comparison between stinky feet and Fritos before. I thought everyone knew about that.

  • Erica

    2003/05/22 at 8:48 am

    Was it regular Fritos, or was it those Fritos Flavor Twists in Honey BBQ flavor, because those are crack snacks and there is no stopping once that bag opens.

  • Chris

    2003/05/22 at 9:01 am

    Renee-So you’ve got a crusty butt cat too? Mine is so damn fat she can’t clean herself back there.

    It takes two people and a warm wet paper towel.

    I’m sure anyone would react the same when they don’t understand what’s happening. Let me try and whipe your butt without telling you. See how far that goes! 🙂

  • Jodi

    2003/05/22 at 9:02 am

    Our dog’s feet smell like Smartfood. And I am so not kidding.

  • aubs

    2003/05/22 at 9:03 am

    When my dog Bailey needs a bath, he smells like Chicken Soup. Is it a sodium thing that is causing our pets to smell like common household foods?

  • samara

    2003/05/22 at 9:11 am

    i don’t want to poop on anyone’s parade, but the frito dog paw smell phenomonon is actually a byproduct of poor canine aim. or rather, poor foot placement post urination.

  • Jodi (a different one from above)

    2003/05/22 at 9:34 am

    I actually LIKE that my dog’s paws smell like corn chips. But he doesn’t take too kindly to my sucking on them.

  • Sheila

    2003/05/22 at 9:38 am

    NEW RULE: if you’re going to use saliva to clean something off me, you have to use your tongue.

  • Matt

    2003/05/22 at 9:43 am

    I agree on the seafood advice… even in Minnesota, the seafood is marginal. Oh, how I long for the days of living on the coast and getting fresh lobster from the guy on the pier.

    I also agree that it’s not a good thing when the barber says “Oops” no matter what comment they follow it up with.

    I must say that “oops” from a dentist is slightly more disturbing, although not as bad as “uhh, wow. Hang on, you’ll need more novacaine in just a minute.”

    Even higher on the squirm-o-meter is the house inspector who said, “Oooof. That is a LOT of carpenter ants”

    But at the top of my list (currently) is the neighbor kids coming over to play with our dog, then coming *into the house* to ask, “what is this on my shoes?”

  • Dyanna

    2003/05/22 at 9:47 am

    I have a cat with Frito-smelling feet, too, but I’m willing to bet that Chuck doesn’t suck on his toes like Felixx does when he’s trying to get comfortable before going to sleep. Yes, he’s a fucked up cat.

  • the farkleberry

    2003/05/22 at 10:03 am

    Crusty-butt tip: We clean our old cat Nathaniel’s hindquarters with moist baby wipes – hey, it works for adult people too. Baby wipes seem to get the most junk off with the least claw damage to the owner (but then, he still has his back claws. He was a front-declaw when we got him from the shelter). Probably also removes Frito smell from de feets.

  • Charles R. Kaiser

    2003/05/22 at 10:09 am

    A couple of things:

    I love the fact that my dog’s feet smell like Fritos considering all of the other things that they could smell like.

    I notice that here in Canada they now have a dark chocolate version of Reese (that’s right, we have no “‘s” in our version. Got to keep the Quebekers happy) Cups. I am doomed.

  • Libby

    2003/05/22 at 10:25 am

    I totally feel your pain about the whole “Utahn” hairdresser thing. Somehow I always leave my hairdressers looking like a swarm of birds just attacked my head. I just don’t get it, hair is the one time when “bigger IS NOT better”. Someone needs to explain to them that backcombing also equates closely with backcountry.

  • Jay

    2003/05/22 at 10:39 am

    Spam has a way of asking just the right question. Like how did they know I wanted extra length and girth? Although next-generation spam confuses you into clicking. I got one last month that simply said “NEVER TRUST ANYONE OVER 30!” What? Why? So I clicked it, and it was just an ad for septic tank issues.

  • Appelshell

    2003/05/22 at 10:47 am

    As soon as my hairdresser starts talking like that, it’s time to find a new one my dear. But your hair does look great in the photo (I might add).

  • eponymous

    2003/05/22 at 10:48 am

    Once you are a homeowner you come to think of non-homeowners as “homeless people with money.”

    Sorry dog-feet people, I can’t relate.

  • Katie

    2003/05/22 at 11:10 am

    Why is it that a lot of Mormons in Utah are stuck with 80’s hair? Does the term “higher hair, higher to God” have anything to do with it? Things that make you go hmm..

  • Toby

    2003/05/22 at 11:11 am


  • Bast

    2003/05/22 at 11:11 am

    As someone who’s tried every cleaner, including Simple Green and 409, the best degreaser out there is called Greased Lighting.

    Used it to clean a vinyl floor in my old place that the people before me had never cleaned. Looked brand new.

    Also works great for cleaning that little filter thing in the vent above your stove.

    I’ve seen it at Family Dollar and most grocery stores.

    Spray it on, leave it for a little bit, come back to clean.

  • kallista

    2003/05/22 at 11:21 am

    why were you smelling your dog’s toes? THAT is one disturbing thought.

  • Angelique

    2003/05/22 at 11:39 am

    Renee: scruff the cat. there is a bunch of loose skin on the back of every cats neck right between the base of the head and the beginning of the shoulderblades. the mothers use it to carry the babies around by and they never grow out of it. you can actually hold it quite tightly and not only does it enact their instict “oh shit, mom’s gotta take me somewhere”, but it also doesnt hurt them. they freeze up and you can have your way with them pretty much.
    Matt: omg!! you are a displaced moron stuck in mn too??! as for seafood, i’ll only risk tempura at sakura in St. P or Sushi Tango in Mpls. the first time it was suggested to me by a native mn-an that red lobster was “really good seafood” i knew i was in trouble.
    Dooce: i get those friggan septic dealies all the time. i don’t even own a home. and if one more email comes my way asking if i want to watch “Psycho Lesbo Action”, i’m going to pop. i mean, i’ll deal with the bestiality offers, doesnt everyone dig donkeys?? ….?

  • Angelique

    2003/05/22 at 11:41 am

    whoa!!! did you JUST NOW change the header graphic??! now that IS voodoo magic!!

  • wandabits

    2003/05/22 at 12:11 pm

    here’s a hint for you, those pre-moistened wipes,baby or otherwise, will clean lots of smelly things,including faces, thus removing the need for the spit upon thumb clean up! In fact guys can get them with a nice cologne smell.

  • Beerzie Boy

    2003/05/22 at 12:19 pm

    Poop and coffee…better together than peanut butter and chocolate, and non-satanic, too.

  • Renee

    2003/05/22 at 12:28 pm

    Heh heh! Yeah, I guess I wouldn’t like it either if someone tried to clean me without telling me–or even if they did tell me first! We’ve tried warm water and paper towels but Phyllis started to bite Vinny (my boyfriend) on the arms. We’ll have to try the scruff of the neck thing. I’m really good at giving her asthma pills every other day now, we’ll get better at cleaning her. That fat little bitch. I do love her though, I do.

  • melly mel

    2003/05/22 at 12:50 pm

    So I’m thinking the Parental Advisory is there because blindfold man has a HUGE adam’s apple. I can’t stop staring at the size of that thing…
    As for the snack food situation, our chihuahua had Cheeto feet. Hmm.

  • Carrie

    2003/05/22 at 1:05 pm

    What I want to know is, who are these dipshits who actually contact these spam advertisers and try to buy their product/service, after having been snookered into opening the email under false pretenses? I mean, someone must do, or they’d stop wasting time trying to advertise that way, right?

  • Angelique

    2003/05/22 at 1:16 pm

    ….i love the word ‘snookered’.
    it ranks up there with ‘rogering’

  • Teddy

    2003/05/22 at 1:25 pm

    Dear Sister dooce,
    At last, my decades of searching are over. I had thought until I read the Sunday NEW YORK TIMES I was doomed to spend my eternity in Outer Darkness alone.
    I really used to think that the great big red K in K-Mart stood for Kolob (I was pretty little).
    There were many things that made me register Democrat eventually, but a pretty big one was my tithing debt. I had kept a running total of the amounts I was short each week in the back of my translated correctly King James bible. The total got up there too big for me to pay it up and stay in school.
    But I’ll tell you something. One time my friend Johneese told me a story about this lady who wanted to get married in the temple. She got her recommend and everything, but when she went inside the information center, she turned completely black! She had not realized there was African American in ler genealogy. Scared me to death. And I did believe that (I don’t now).
    Sister Tink
    P.S. To those of us who have shared the confines of the box, you are a Goddess.

  • zak

    2003/05/22 at 1:26 pm

    We prefer the term “Kitty Bum” to “Crusty Butt”.

    ‘Cause sometimes it ain’t crusty yet and you have to save the couch before the cat jumps on it.

  • LaLa

    2003/05/22 at 1:43 pm

    In grade school I had a friend whose feet ALWAYS smelled of cheese popcorn. I don’t know why – they were a clean family… Sadly, to this day, cheese popcorn makes my stomach turn.

  • Jay

    2003/05/22 at 1:52 pm

    I think cheese popcorn just smells like feet, not the other way around.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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