the smell of my desperation has become a stench

A Selection of Recent, Random and Wholly Unrelated Observations, Volume IV

Paradise to me is sitting on the front porch of the house I own, sipping a freshly brewed cup of coffee, and watching my dog go poop.

Although there are probably many things you don’t necessarily want to hear your hair stylist say while he or she is in the act of styling your hair, I have to believe that the two things at the top of that list are “oops” and “we’ll be done in one sec, right after I tease the back of your hair and douse it with aerosol hairspray.”

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are tools of the devil.

409 Degreaser and All Purpose Cleaner will clean ANYTHING, and as I discovered delightfully yesterday, will also take the Frito smell out of a dog’s feet.

My husband recently pointed out that in Utah “diverse” simply means “non-Mormon.”

One shot of tequila is five times more powerful than three shots of bourbon. Unfortunately, it took five shots of tequila to figure that out.

Sometimes when you reunite with a friend you haven’t seen in half a decade that friend will look like he hasn’t aged A SINGLE DAY, and that’s when you have to really ask yourself, is he really a friend at all?

There is no such thing as good seafood when you’re living in a land-locked desert, people.

I just got a spam with the subject line, “Got septic issues?” and I’m like, GOD! How did they know?

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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