An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

A Selection of Recent, Random and Wholly Unrelated Observations, Volume IV

Paradise to me is sitting on the front porch of the house I own, sipping a freshly brewed cup of coffee, and watching my dog go poop.

Although there are probably many things you don’t necessarily want to hear your hair stylist say while he or she is in the act of styling your hair, I have to believe that the two things at the top of that list are “oops” and “we’ll be done in one sec, right after I tease the back of your hair and douse it with aerosol hairspray.”

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are tools of the devil.

409 Degreaser and All Purpose Cleaner will clean ANYTHING, and as I discovered delightfully yesterday, will also take the Frito smell out of a dog’s feet.

My husband recently pointed out that in Utah “diverse” simply means “non-Mormon.”

One shot of tequila is five times more powerful than three shots of bourbon. Unfortunately, it took five shots of tequila to figure that out.

Sometimes when you reunite with a friend you haven’t seen in half a decade that friend will look like he hasn’t aged A SINGLE DAY, and that’s when you have to really ask yourself, is he really a friend at all?

There is no such thing as good seafood when you’re living in a land-locked desert, people.

I just got a spam with the subject line, “Got septic issues?” and I’m like, GOD! How did they know?

  • Wow…I thought I was the only one that thought dogs feet smelled like fritos!

  • Okay- freak my beak dooce- WHY are you smelling your dogs feet?

    Oh, and what about RUBEN winning American Idol? What does the Dooce have to say about that?

    Also, had a dream last night that I visited you and you and John were totally bored with me- even your dog was bored.

  • lee

    it looks like a whole slew of us are just now figuring out that all dogs’ feet smell like fritos. Or a lot of them do, anyway.

    And I had always described the smell as Doritors, but really, Fritos is far more accurate. No nacho cheese involved, that’s for sure.

    Thanks for making me reconsider.

  • dvl

    friends that look like they don’t age?
    one word = botox.

  • You actually tested your tequila/bourbon theory by consuming five shots of tequila and 15 shots of bourbon? Pictures! We want pictures!

  • Are there Asians in Utah with the exception of Asians left over from the Winter Olympics?

    Utah is gorgeous! I love your site 🙂

  • This discussion makes me question exactly HOW Fritos are made.

  • Michele

    To those with cats who have crusty-butts 🙂 we used to take a spray bottle filled with warm water and spray their butts. Of course they thought it was a game and just ran around with wet butts. Eventually, they’d lick which was what we hope for.
    Now they are so fat that doesn’t work because they can’t reach to lick. I just hold them down and wipe. I think they secretly rather me do this.
    Anyway, I don’t know what’s grosser, crusty cat ass or softened crusty ass that needs to be licked!
    PS if you do this, make sure they don’t sit and make ass prints on furniture or the floor.

  • Intresting post. Intresting comments (this is not one of them).

    God how I love this site.

  • Dennis

    Crusty butts? I have never owned (?) a cat. Now I never will. Thanks for the warning.

  • Teddy Harrison

    Dear Sister dooce,
    At last, my decades of searching are over. I had thought until I read the Sunday NEW YORK TIMES I was doomed to spend my eternity in Outer Darkness alone.
    I really used to think that the great big red K in K-Mart stood for Kolob (I was pretty little).
    There were many things that made me register Democrat eventually, but a pretty big one was my tithing debt. I had kept a running total of the amounts I was short each week in the back of my translated correctly King James bible. The total got up there too big for me to pay it up and stay in school.
    But I’ll tell you something. One time my friend Johneese told me a story about this lady who wanted to get married in the temple. She got her recommend and everything, but when she went inside the information center, she turned completely black! She had not realized there was African American in ler genealogy. Scared me to death. And I did believe that (I don’t now).
    Sister Tink
    P.S. To those of us who have shared the confines of the box, you are a Goddess.

  • i very much love the bloggings of your site, i dont know why. but just reading your writings is great. i think i’m a groupie! lol

  • JudyAnn

    You can get good seafood in the desert just like you can get good Italian food on the west coast, and good Chinese food in upstate NY. We had a great restaurant in St Pete, FL; when you asked what the catch of the day was, they picked up the phone and called their boat to see what they were bringing in! Can’t get much fresher than that.

  • Morgan

    I love the new layout!!! Wow! And I always enjoy what you have to say. ^_^

  • One of my parent’s cats is a lazy fatass… he can lick his butt, just chooses not to. Plus he’s a longhair, so they regularly take him to the groomer and get his butt shaved. Baboon-kitty: makes cleanup much easier.

  • i’ve never smelled my dog’s feet, but i’ll assure you that her ears sometimes smell like parmesan cheese.

    even in the great lake state, btw, there’s not always such a thing as “good seafood” until you’re really on the water. and unless you’re on the ocean, i’m thinking chain seafood places are NEVER good.

  • Lola

    GOD I love reading this journal. Simply because I like reminding myself that being a non-Mormon in Utah does not mean I am a FREAK.


  • the worst thing a stylist ever said to me was this: “we’re going to give you a free shampoo.”

    that was because she had cut her finger open with the scissors and bled all over my hair.

    i didnt figure out what was going on until she came back with the band-aid and soaked most of my hair and the back of my neck in alcohol.

    its so hard to find a good haircut for less than 50 bucks in california.

  • The cat grooming details listed here FAR exceed ANY tactful bounds.

    FAR exceed.


  • J

    my baby (cat) does not have crusty butt syndrome anymore. she did when she first came to us but she watched our fastidious older baby clean THOROUGHLY and there was a bit of that “big sister” thing going on. but she still has a really cutesy “baby” smell. especially if she’s been sleeping. my kitten doesn’t actually smell of baby powder but pretty damn near close. and no, i don’t douse her with it unlike “some people” who clean their dogs with 409 (i’m naming no names dooce)…:)

  • Xiobhan

    Dooce. Fritos are EXACTLY what they smell like. I have a five year old Rhodesian Ridgeback and we joke about it all the time. We sing to her modified Tori Amos songs like “Zuzu was a corn chip girl…” There are levels of “Frito-y” and “Frito-yness” at our house. Unfortunately, I never did like Fritos so Zuzu get’s the Buddy Wash when she start to smell like stale snack foods.

  • Paradise to me:
    A Margarita — served straight up — a good cigarette, “Blonde Redhead” playing in the background while I am reading a good book.

    That, and the little idiots clean out their own litter box for a change.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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