This here bringer of the pooper to the fun party

Survival of the Species

I know that I’ll probably have a little more insight into this when I finally give birth and am able to hold my own child in my arms, but right now, now as I can barely sit up straight without feeling the thump thump thump of my heart in my ears as it signals the march of acid through my digestive tract, as the smell of herbal shampoo in my hair urges me to hurl, as the mere thought of coffee grounds conjures nightmares of being drowned in pools of rotting septic waste, I really have no idea how billions of women in the history of the world have not only gone through this once, but have agreed to go through it AGAIN AND AGAIN.

Is there an epidemic of amnesia among mothers that no one talks about? I can’t imagine that I’ll forget anytime soon what it feels like to be nauseous in my fingers and toes. I can feel the dizziness in my eyebrows and in my elbows. Every joint in my body has gathered with signs and megaphones and is shouting in unison, “THIS IS NOT WHAT NATURE INTENDED.” And I really have to wonder, how did billions of years of evolution end up here, with pregnancy ushering in wholly debilitating nausea and a sense of smell normally reserved for canines? I mean, it’s 2003, for crying out loud. Humans now have the technology to PAUSE LIVE TELEVISION, why can’t a woman who is pregnant wash her hands without dry-heaving stomach bile at the smell of Softsoap? HOW ARE THERE HUMANS BEING BORN IN THIS WORLD WHEN THERE IS SOFTSOAP SITTING ON BATHROOM COUNTERTOPS?

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