Playful, elegant, and not above the judicious use of the word “shit."

It’s My Birthday, Too

Tomorrow is my 28th birthday, and although I think I reached a point several birthdays ago where turning a year older wasn’t necessarily a thing to celebrate, I’d have to say that this birthday in particular is the one I’ve been trying to stave off more than any other. There is nothing even remotely redeeming about turning 28; it doesn’t come with special privileges, and there isn’t even a “turning 28” section in the birthday section at Hallmark. It’s totally forgettable, and the only purpose it serves it to remind me that I’m inching ever closer toward death.

I guess I’m scared more than anything, not of getting old, necessarily, but of what could possibly happen to me in this 28th year. I honestly thought my life couldn’t get any more hectic than when I was 26, and then I turned 27 and all HELL broke loose: I got married, I moved back to Utah, I lived with my mother for 5 months, we bought a house, we got pregnant, AND I taught my dog how to roll-over. You could say I’m a bit fatigued.

It’s also weird because I’ve always been the youngest person in any group. I’m the youngest of three children, I was always one of the youngest people in my class at school, and I’ve always kept much older friends. And now this is all starting to change, and I’m the granny in the group. I find that when I tell a kid in college my real age they sort of shudder with this look in their eyes, like, my god, this woman is ANCIENT, she actually remembers what it was like to be alive in the 80s!

I’ve decided that for my birthday I’m going to ask for things I know I can’t have so that I won’t be disappointed when I actually don’t get them. Had I learned this trick at the age of five I would have been a much more enjoyable teenager. (Damn my mother for never getting me those Guess jeans I asked for EVERY SINGLE YEAR. No one ever heard of Palmetto, mom.)

This list includes:

1. A meal that won’t give me even the faintest hint of heartburn.
2. Just one more day in my favorite Lucky brand jeans.
3. A two and a half hour movie of Britney Spears saying nothing and doing nothing but dancing around in skimpy, torn clothing.
4. An album like Defintely Maybe by Oasis, or Lost Souls by the Doves, or Turn on the Bright Lights by Interpol that I could play over and over 400 times, and on the 401st time it would still make my stomach turn flips.
5. A neverending pan of rice krispie treats.
6. Fresh, minty clean breath for my dog.
7. A promise from God or Allah or whoever is in charge that I’m not carrying twins.
8. Manageable hair.
9. Three fiery meteors hitting the earth, one on the headquarters of Comcast, one on the headquarters of AT&T Wireless, and one on the head of Carson Daly.
10. Free healthcare for everyone.
11. A shot of whiskey.

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