the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Fawnzelle La Bon Marché Armstrong

It’s a girl!

20 years from now in some chilly doctor’s office littered with scary abstract art and old issues of Newsweek, my daughter is going to ask her therapist how she could have possibly had a normal life when it all began with her mother posting pictures of her private parts ON THE INTERNET.

God help her.

149 Comments
  • the husband

    2003/09/17 at 10:56 am

    Thank GOD everything is ok now. I’m gonna be a Dad!!

  • patatomic

    2003/09/17 at 10:58 am

    Congrats!! I’m sure she’ll be a stone cold fox (in that baby kind of way).

  • Marta

    2003/09/17 at 11:00 am

    Yayyy, lucky you! Girls are soooo much fun to dress up. 😀

  • Cornelia

    2003/09/17 at 11:04 am

    Congratulations!!!

  • brittney

    2003/09/17 at 11:05 am

    Holy freaking crap!

    A girl.

    It’s a good day for all us girl types, I’d say.

  • Ariel

    2003/09/17 at 11:09 am

    Oh whew. A boy was going to get some roughin’ up for wearing that cute little pink dress you were eyeing.

    Blurb: time to start getting protective and preparing ways to skin teenage boys, come 2020.

  • domino

    2003/09/17 at 11:18 am

    I like how she’s showing her bum to the camera. This kid has attitude already… 🙂

    Congrats, Heather & Jon.

  • UnderwearNInja

    2003/09/17 at 11:18 am

    2020? Boys won’t wait around that long. I figure he’ll be polishing guns in the front room wearing nothing but boxers while 16 year old boys come over to court his 14 year old daughter.

  • david

    2003/09/17 at 11:19 am

    much congrats you two! have you decided for sure on fawnzelle?

  • Beth

    2003/09/17 at 11:22 am

    Congrats! 🙂

  • Torrie

    2003/09/17 at 11:26 am

    How about Brittany Spears Armstrong?
    I hope she turns out to be just as wonerfuly sarcastic as her parents.

  • Torrie

    2003/09/17 at 11:30 am

    Also, glad to see comments are back!

  • Erica

    2003/09/17 at 11:31 am

    Ultrasounds get fancier and fancier these days. Congratulations!

  • Anne

    2003/09/17 at 11:37 am

    Bring on the vomit-pink frilly dresses!!

    But seriously, congrats!

  • Heather #2

    2003/09/17 at 11:38 am

    20 years from now in some chilly doctor’s office littered with scary abstract art and old issues of Newsweek, my daughter is going to ask her therapist how she could have possibly had a normal life when it all began…

    …in UTAH.

    Love to your both and congrats. I’m feeling the happiness FOR YOU.

  • peidirtie

    2003/09/17 at 11:47 am

    all that talk about mad hair and crazy body types will manifest itself much more dramatically in this feminine form. Ke-Ming’s double cow-lick congratulates the little girl, and her future hair.

  • Sawsanna

    2003/09/17 at 11:50 am

    Where is the Amazon Wish list? I want to send you stuff! Babies = stuff it’s a fact of life!

  • bdk&e

    2003/09/17 at 11:51 am

    IT’S AN ALL CAPS APPROPRIATE COMMENT: CONGRATULATIONS! –How do you feel about arranged marriages? Hmmm… Jon and Heather Armstrong are pleased to announce the marriage of their daughter, Fawnzelle Le Bon Marche Ladonvernelle Armstrong to Eli Potato Adams on Saturday March 23, 2028 at the Zen Institute…

  • shana

    2003/09/17 at 11:51 am

    oh my gosh! congratulations to you, you win!
    girls are more fun, anyways.

  • Jane's Parents

    2003/09/17 at 11:54 am

    Congrats.
    Baby girls are wonderful!

  • Gaspar

    2003/09/17 at 11:57 am

    Mille auguri a Fawnzelle! (ma perché non Maria? Anna? Elena? è obbligatorio essere il numero uno su Google?)

  • Yahmdallah

    2003/09/17 at 11:57 am

    =)

  • Scott

    2003/09/17 at 11:59 am

    Congratulations Heather and Jon. May your daughter have the wit of her mother.

  • Danika

    2003/09/17 at 12:06 pm

    Congrats!!!

  • Jason

    2003/09/17 at 12:07 pm

    Congratulations! I look forward to reading the witty posts made possible by this revelation of gender. I know you won’t let us down.

  • lizpenn

    2003/09/17 at 12:23 pm

    good gravy. i just interrupted a grim slogging workday with the happy thought, hey, didn’t dooce have her ultrasound today? and lo and behold, not only did you have it, not only did you post the good news immediately, not only are you having A GIRL (the best gender of child. sorry, but it just is), but you have re-enabled comments so that your proud readers may send in their good wishes! thanks for reinventing the blog genre and for inviting us into your hilarious, ordinary, wonderful life. i hope being as good a mother as you’re sure to be doesn’t keep you from being as good a writer as you already are.

  • mister justin

    2003/09/17 at 12:31 pm

    So, do you have her life already mapped out?

    Let’s hear how you plan to live vicariously through your dish washing, lawn mowing, trash taking outing automaton.

  • leandra

    2003/09/17 at 12:35 pm

    Congrats! Honestly, I have no idea how people can see anything on those ultrasound photos. 🙂

  • Amber

    2003/09/17 at 12:35 pm

    Congrats! Bring on the frilly pink stuff! You know, almost 2 years ago, I was about as anti-frilly pink as you could get, but since having my little girl, it’s amazing how much frilly pink stuff you find in drawers and closets. 🙂

  • Naaman

    2003/09/17 at 12:47 pm

    Congratulations Jon and Heather!!!

  • allisonic

    2003/09/17 at 12:51 pm

    Congratulations!
    And thanks for opening up the comments section to share it.
    Also, don’t forget the name “Allison” as an option.
    I’m just sayin….

  • Jessica

    2003/09/17 at 12:54 pm

    Congrats on the little munchkin!! I just found you and your site a month ago and can’t stay away. As I was finishing my day I thought about you having your sonogram today. Thanks for keeping us in the loop.

  • april

    2003/09/17 at 1:00 pm

    Somehow I get the feeling that that little girl ain’t takin’ shit from anybody on the playground!

  • LN

    2003/09/17 at 1:04 pm

    Congrats !!!

  • Mandy

    2003/09/17 at 1:04 pm

    Yayness! Congrats on the girl, you two. 😀

  • KDunk

    2003/09/17 at 1:15 pm

    congrats! now u can dress her up in that little pink outfit you posted a photo of.

  • primaprimate

    2003/09/17 at 1:21 pm

    awesome possum! Congrats to you both. What a wonderful thing! So when do you think she’ll start trying to borrow your clothes? that favorite lipstick?

  • melissa

    2003/09/17 at 1:23 pm

    Holy cow! She’s beautiful! (Here’s hoping she doesn’t inherit her papa’s facial hair…)

    Congratulations…you guys will be great.

  • aubs

    2003/09/17 at 1:56 pm

    Yes, a scrumptious bearded Fawnzelle may raise a few eyebrows in middle school!

    Congrats! So happy for you FOUR! (including Chuck & Lil’ Fawnie here, of course…)

  • Liz

    2003/09/17 at 1:57 pm

    Congratulations! It’s another baby in Mormonland!

  • jackie

    2003/09/17 at 1:59 pm

    i have absolutely no idea where the baby is in that picture, i mean, except for the cootie-coo, but where’s the face and stuff? does it have a face? do babies have faces? i have no idea what’s going on… but CONGRATS! that’s awesome!

  • owen

    2003/09/17 at 2:07 pm

    maybe it just me but I didn’t understand the pic at first, eventually had to ask girl what it was in the picture exactly(picture of lower body). My ultrasound pic reading skills are surely lacking.

  • trish

    2003/09/17 at 2:17 pm

    congrats… and I must admit to also being completely confused by that ultrasound pic…

  • Nikki

    2003/09/17 at 2:29 pm

    Wait! I thought you were naming her Norah!
    And a hearty congradulations to you both.

  • the mighty jimbo

    2003/09/17 at 2:32 pm

    congratulations! breeders in utah. what are the odds? Baby girls are great – i have three nieces and love them more than life. i’m going to have to just run with you on this cause i see as much in an ultrasound as i do in a rothko.

    and based on my experience with babies (i forget just how many times i’m an uncle now between family and friends) i’m willing to bet that in a few months this little girl will be pooping enough for all of you.

  • Tiff

    2003/09/17 at 2:40 pm

    Do you think she will be born with beautiful Septic Tank Poopy Red hair???

    Little mini Brintey outfits, in pink, aren’t you lucky???

  • samaman

    2003/09/17 at 2:48 pm

    i’m hiding my sons now, just to be safe.

  • Karrey

    2003/09/17 at 2:49 pm

    Don’t ever forget:

    When you have a boy, you’ve got one penis to worry about.

    When you’ve got a girl, you’ve got ALL the penises (penii?) to worry about.
    Chuck’s going to be the bestest big brother in the world.

  • Dennis Scanland

    2003/09/17 at 3:14 pm

    Girls are cute but boys rule!

  • Appleshell

    2003/09/17 at 3:16 pm

    This is the day I’ve been waiting for. Comments are back up!

    LMAO, I was thinking that your daughter is going to be forever tramatized by you posting her privates on the internet before I even read the post.

    Contrats!

    Girls are easier to raise until they hit 12.

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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