Number of pregnant, stress pimples that have sprouted on my forehead since Friday night: 4

Description of alien being trying to escape those pregnant, stress pimples: green, scaly, with an amphibious disposition

Number of 50W halogen spot lights we installed in the kitchen ceiling yesterday: 8

Number of lights after which I wanted to give up, sit down and cry: 1

Hours spent patching, sanding, priming, and painting the walls: 30

Number of times I gave up, sat down and cried while patching, sanding, priming, and painting the walls: Once every 30 minutes

Number of times in the last four days I used the excuse If there ever was a day when I should be able to eat french fries and not feel guilty, today is that day: Once

Number of days in the last 34 weeks I have used that excuse: Over 200

Number of trips to Home Depot in the last four days: Once each day

Average amount of money spent on each trip to Home Depot: WAY TOO FUCKING MUCH

Things that would have been more enjoyable than the last four days of the kitchen remodel: 1) A root canal without anesthesia 2) Labor without epidural 3) Hemorrhoids

Average number of calories burned per day, per person: 3,500

Average number of calories consumed each day: 2,500 for Jon; 7,000 for me since I’m burning calories for two

What the look on Chuck’s face said when Jon began sawing chunks of lathe and plaster out of the wall: HOLY FUCKING SHIT

Number of times Jon had to tell me to stop wiping up the dust because there was just more dust coming: Like, way too many

Color of boogers: black

Number of times Jon said Motherfucker! while I was talking to my mother on the phone: Once

Number of times Jon apologized for dropping the Queen Mother within earshot of my mother: Once

Number of times it was necessary for Jon to apologize to my mother: None, considering the words I have dropped and bodily functions I have performed in front of his entire family

Number of washings it took to get all the primer out of my hair: 16

Just how cute my husband looked when he crawled into the attic in that protective suit with those protective goggles: Oh my God.