Playful, elegant, and not above the judicious use of the word “shit."

Everybody Hurts

A partially ingrown toenail has descended upon our household, and I’m not sure there are words that can communicate just how awful is the awfulness of the pain and the ache and the affliction, and did I mention that it was awful? According to sources close to the toenail, the pain goes all the way up from the point of entry, along the shin, around the knee, up up up unto the jaw-line. The whole body is paralyzed, except for the voice part, which CAN’T STOP TALKING ABOUT THE PAIN.

This partially ingrown toenail is the most awful partially ingrown toenail there ever was, monumental in its awfulness, and I need to spend the next paragraph talking about just how awful it is, just in case you missed the awfulness that I have already mentioned. It is just so awful, really and very much awful, OH SO AWFUL. Ouch, it hurts, and it is still hurting, and in the two seconds since he mentioned it was hurting it hasn’t stopped hurting because it still hurts and IT IS AWFUL.

I know it is just a toe, but it is an important toe. And I understand this, I really do, because my vagina was just a vagina, but it was an important vagina. But he says that the comparison must stop there because my vagina was designed to stretch and tear like that, but that his toe wasn’t designed to have the nail part jut into the skin part and it HURTS SO BAD. Perhaps if there were stages of pain it would be more manageable, he says, like how the cervix slowly dilates. At least I had dilation. The toe doesn’t dilate, so the pain in his toe is painful all at once, and this pain must be talked about, at length, very loudly, with lots of moaning and gnashing of the teeth.

Just in case you were wondering, his toe still hurts.

I really wish I could take away the pain, because I don’t like it when he is in pain, but more importantly because I would like to talk about something else. Leta almost rolled over today! And she can almost touch her face with her foot! And she . . . oh, wait. His toe still hurts. And it is awful. And there is just so much pain. And to illustrate that pain I am going to type this: groan and moan and gripe gripe gripe and mmmmooooaaaannnn!!!!

Did you know that Achilles felt pain, too? IN THE FOOT AREA. And that’s not a coincidence. He just compared himself to Achilles and that is just so cute. And then I point out that Achilles never experienced childbirth, never pushed a swollen eight pound rodent out of his vagina and then had to get up and immediately feed that rodent with his breast, and I am so not impressed with Achilles, that weak-ass ancient Greek pussy.

But his toenail, IT HURTS!

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