the smell of my desperation has become a stench

All of this came out of my boobs

  • Bruce

    2004/11/11 at 8:41 am

    Chloe, you ask “why would someone buy someone else’s expired breast milk?”…. this is not “SOMEONE”‘s! THIS IS DOOCE’s!!

  • faith

    2004/11/11 at 8:45 am

    I’m impressed. Could have used some of that a while back…happily now THE BOY is into depleting cows of all their energy and vital strength.

  • Leon

    2004/11/11 at 8:46 am

    Perhaps this has already been covered?
    ….he said, too lazy to check previous comments

    “Dooce Juice” – sicles
    ….all you need is a stick
    “Dooce Juice” – fine cheese
    ….now served at all fine eating establishments

    I gotta think that the E-Bay profits alone on these bad boys would easily put your little frog through college. Maybe even grad school

  • cb

    2004/11/11 at 8:49 am

    use for eggnog latte.

  • Ed

    2004/11/11 at 8:51 am

    Oh my !!! … what a boobs huhhh !

  • rebecca

    2004/11/11 at 8:52 am

    Hey- did you see that the Nikon D70 is Popular Photography’s camera of the year? Thought you might be interested…

  • Lactivist

    2004/11/11 at 8:52 am


    OHHHH, you meant that breasts EVOLVED from sweat glands, and that they aren’t just oversized sweat glands? OH. Aw, who am I trying to kid? I’m still confused.

    I don’t know nearly as much about sweat as I do breastfeeding. Is sweat really made from our blood too?

    My tits are goin’ commando today, thankyouverymuch.

    BTW, I checked out your website – You’re welcome! 😉

  • Laurie

    2004/11/11 at 8:53 am

    I don’t know what’s worse, that I went to ebay and looked up “breast milk” or my slight disappointment that there wasn’t any…

    I’m going for the latter. 🙂

  • nichole

    2004/11/11 at 8:55 am

    THAT IS SO….SICK!!!!!!!

  • Laurie

    2004/11/11 at 8:56 am

    Some utahian has beaten you to it. 🙂

    Woman tries to sell her breast milk
    SALT LAKE CITY — A 23-year-old woman who tried to sell her extra breast milk through a classified ad says she became the butt of jokes.
    The woman, who did not want to be identified because of the potential for more jabs, says she was just trying to help women who have difficulty breast-feeding. Since having her baby two months ago, she has been producing too much milk, so she placed an ad in the Salt Lake Tribune.
    Following doctors’ recommendations for pumping and proper storage, she managed to save 400 ounces of breast milk. The ad offered the frozen milk for sale at $1 an ounce or $350 for all of it.
    Instead, she received prank phone calls. One of the callers was a man asking if it came in a chocolate flavor.

  • Sue from Ohio

    2004/11/11 at 9:03 am



    But from what I gather, I probably am not sure I want to see anyone… uh-oh, someone’s coming, I told them I was going to the bathroom…gotta go

  • julie

    2004/11/11 at 9:09 am

    Oh my gosh – we have those same bags at work (pharmaceutical research & development)! Now I will know what to do when it’s my turn to be a milk-factory.

  • Kathy

    2004/11/11 at 9:11 am

    GO DOG, Go! My fav book as a little girl!

  • Sheryl

    2004/11/11 at 9:13 am

    Among other things I am amazed by re: this picture and comments –
    I am in awe and covetousness of the implied bodaciousness of your….

    I couldn’t fit that many bags of DooceJuice or crack in my freezer, much less fit so much more stuff that I could forget I had that much crack in there!

    If I was to pack that many bags of crack in my freezer, there wouldn’t be any room for the Stoly, Ouzo, and the Bombay Sapphire

  • Amanda B.

    2004/11/11 at 9:28 am

    Wow. I’m totally floored by Jon’s entry today. How fucking unbelievably awesome and brave is it for him to open up like that. Rock on husbando.

    I think the most awsome thing about marriage is knowing that your spouse knows you- good, bad, and smelly- and loves you for it all.

    That being said, if my husband puts the silverware in the cabinet with the dishes instead of in the silverware drawer one more time, we’re gonna wrestle in the yard.

  • Trish

    2004/11/11 at 9:38 am

    Wow. My boobs are jealous. I could never pump that much, so I walked around with a baby attached to me at all times.


  • jay

    2004/11/11 at 9:38 am

    Okay, I’ll admit I’ve been very curious about your breasts. And I’ll admit that I would love to see a photo. I realize that you are a private person and probably don’t want to post such a photo.

    However, is this the best compromise?

  • Fish

    2004/11/11 at 9:41 am

    Sheryl: You can easily store that much if you have a *chest* freezer.

    Oh jeez. that sucked. Sorry.

    Anyway, mrs. fish and I learned in our childbirth classes that breasmilk is to be stored for 6 months in a regular freezer, but can be stored a year in chest freezers, which maintain a substantially lower temperature.

    Fish: witty and informative.

    P.S.: Amanda B: you keep doin’ that yard wrastlin’, and you won’t need no more fertility dancin’.

  • mihow

    2004/11/11 at 9:44 am

    Breast-milk Caucasians. What a treat. You could be the new Dude. Same syllables. Next time you’re at Target pick up a terry-cloth robe.

  • Kim

    2004/11/11 at 9:56 am

    I had to throw out several hundred ounces of breastmilk because my son would never take breastmilk from anyone but me!!

    As for the Go Dog Go book? We have the copy that my hubby (who has just now grown his winter beard and I’ll be jumping him soon for that!!) … that my hubby had when he was a child. He is 46. So yes, this book is a bit beat up but our son LOVES it. My Sis in law says that she remembers thinking as a child (around 3?) how incredibly cool it would be to party in a tree with dogs (she is a big dog lover) and that this must just be the “biggest, best, tree ever.” How cool is that to remember a book your mom read to you?

    Keep up the good work Dooce. In 40 years little Leta will be saying “and my mom talked about that party tree with passion in her eyes.”

  • Jazzy

    2004/11/11 at 9:56 am

    I can always count on you for a good laugh. Thanks for helping with my therapy.

    On the breast milk, just eww.

  • Amy

    2004/11/11 at 9:56 am

    Heh – Snoop sings Dr. Seuss:

    ~oOo~ Ain’t no party like a tree dog party, cuz a tree dog party don’t stop! ~oOo~

  • Regan

    2004/11/11 at 10:01 am

    Boobie Dooced Milk.

    that’s just disturbing.

    yet I can’t look away….

  • Becca

    2004/11/11 at 10:05 am

    It’s too bad they expired. You could so totally feed kids in third world counties. The power of the dooce.

  • Russ

    2004/11/11 at 10:07 am

    That pic just sent my mind in so many directions, on so many levels..haha. First thought was “ew, ew, ew”. Then I started thinking “dairy”. Next thing you know I was thinking about cheese, then I wondered if there was such thing as breast milk cheese. Then, if you think about it, all cheese is breast milk cheese..Anyway, after some research < >, apparently you would need 10lbs of breast milk to make 1 lb of cheese. I have some friends that make their own wine, but I guess if a friend of mine told me they made their own cheese I would have to get them to clarify now before I tried it.
    Be wary of a woman that makes her own cheese. Be even more weary of a man that makes his own cheese. Though, it is possible, I recently saw a special on pbs about man boobs. fascinating, yet disturbing.

  • robin

    2004/11/11 at 10:09 am

    Hahahahaha…dooce juice….that was great.

  • Amanda B.

    2004/11/11 at 10:17 am

    Russ- holy hell, i think you made me pee myself a little bit.

    Fish- Snoop Dog reference +10 on awesome scale.

    “Be wary of a woman that makes her own cheese”

  • tina

    2004/11/11 at 10:20 am

    Go Dog Go was mine and my brother’s favorite book when we were kids. Good memories…

  • dutchshoes

    2004/11/11 at 10:26 am

    Go Dog Go was my absolute favorite book from childhood. I think that today I will dig it out and read it again.

  • Colleen

    2004/11/11 at 10:26 am

    Regarding “Go, Dog. Go!”:
    Have you read “I’ll Teach My Dog One Hundred Words”? I highly recommend it. That “mop the moose” illustration gets me every time.

  • Alison

    2004/11/11 at 10:34 am

    Breast milk, for me is strange and interesting. And I just spent a lot of time reading the comments to find out that the lumps=fat. See! Interesting.

    Also interesting: people come here to comment on main page posts (which I’ve thought of doing, but never have). Why not just reinstate main page comments?

  • Amanda B.

    2004/11/11 at 10:35 am

    The Giving Tree. Shel Silverstein.


  • mprints

    2004/11/11 at 10:36 am

    there is a version of Go Dog Go on tape that rocks. (Do you like me hat?) you must get it!

  • AndreaBT

    2004/11/11 at 10:43 am

    I’m just cracking up at all the people who think breast milk is gross. What *is* that? I mean, I do drink cow’s milk, but when you think about it…shouldn’t cow’s milk be just a teensy bit grosser than breast milk? 🙂

  • Stacy

    2004/11/11 at 10:55 am

    I don’t have children, or I obviously wouldn’t ask this question- How long did it take you to do that? And, is it normal for parents (including the father) to take a taste, just out of curiousity? I’m not talking bout latchin on for a feedin’ or anything, just a taste. I know I would. It’s too weird not to try.

  • anna

    2004/11/11 at 10:58 am

    AndreaBT: absolutely! I mean, here we are dunking oreos into the mammary secretions of some giant, smelly beast, and we think breast milk is weird?

    I wonder who figured out that cows’ milk was edible for humans. That must have been a hard sell to their neighbors: “No, really! I know it seems weird, but it’s good. Try it with a cookie.”

  • Russ

    2004/11/11 at 11:00 am


  • Jena

    2004/11/11 at 11:00 am

    The things you can do with breastmilk:

    1. feed to baby
    2. drink in desperate moments
    3. slip in in-laws’ coffee
    4. slip in anyone’s coffee
    5. feed to dog in desperate moments
    6. use as bait
    7. christmas ornaments
    8. christmas presents
    9. stocking stuffers!!
    10. umm… sandbags on hot air balloon??

  • Sarah

    2004/11/11 at 11:03 am

    Holy Crap!!! GO DOG GO! was totally my favorite book when I was little. I made my mom read it to me over and over again. It’s nice to see real fine literature recognized for once!! Hope little Leta loves it as much as I did!

  • Cap'n

    2004/11/11 at 11:08 am

    yesterday I learned that breast-feeding can be so painful, you will see stars. and that you need to teach the mouth how to approach the nipple, like an airplane coming into the hanger. and that my boss (who is a new mother) was recently “milked” by her “lactation specialist’.

    poor, poor boobies.

  • Carla Beth

    2004/11/11 at 11:08 am

    Dooce, I am both awed and grossed out. If I were to wake up some night and find my boobs in the kitchen making Boob Stuff, I’d send them out back to plow the fields and repent their sins.

  • Sheryl

    2004/11/11 at 11:08 am

    See this page on Alternate Uses for Breast Milk

    BreastMilk Does Every Body Good
    Ross: ” I just don’t think breast milk is for adults…”
    Chandler: “of course the packaging does appeal to adults and kids alike.”

    (Most disturbing part, IMO):

    “Sexual lubricant (male and female): (males) squirt directly onto penis; (females) hand express breast milk into a sterile cup…use as you would use KY Jelly, vaseline, or AstroGlide. “

  • christilee

    2004/11/11 at 11:09 am

    In a way that really grossed me out, but then… I just don’t know. I am not grossed out anymore. What would you have done with it if it had not been “all WAY expired”?

  • Fish

    2004/11/11 at 11:11 am

    ASTROGLIDE! I think I just split a seam.

    The party always livens up with the mention of Astroglide. This comment page is cool.

  • Fish

    2004/11/11 at 11:12 am

    Christilee: Dooce has already answered your question. She just can’t repeat it, because she’s probably drunk on all the white russians.

  • Heather

    2004/11/11 at 11:16 am

    Man, how big is your freezer that all that breastmilk went unnoticed?!

  • Carol

    2004/11/11 at 11:21 am

    I pumped 50 ounces (!!) a day with my first son. Ugh. But I lost about 55 pounds in 3 months. (He was a huge baby – 11.2 and I’m only 5’4″)

    Anyway, it’s hard to throw it out. It is like liquid gold, but once you get over it… well, I’m glad I’m not breastfeeding anymore.

    But if it was still good, you could also donate it to homeless shelters.

    Stacy- I have tasted my friend’s. It tasted just like soy milk. It’s weird, but I always thought my husband would want to taste it and I’d want him to, but when you get there, it’s sort of hands off. They become something other than boobs. They have work to do, so don’t be wastin my baby’s milk! Plus you don’t feel up to entertaining anyone else other than your baby.

    As for Go, Dog! Go!… love the book. So do my sons and I also loved that they all end up partying in a tree. I love reading my kids books. The way they see things. Simple.

  • Laura

    2004/11/11 at 11:30 am

    Go, Dog! Go! is the absolute best Dr. Seuss ever. Ever.

  • Carol

    2004/11/11 at 11:33 am

    Katie – sorry to hear about Ralph! You must know him personally. Well, I still like his CDs. He comes across as such a family man!

    As for not showering for 5 days. I haven’t gone that far, but right now I’m working on 2.

  • stuboo

    2004/11/11 at 11:36 am

    Go Dog Go! was my very favorite Dr. Seuss book when I was a kid. I still have visions of sitting beside the dog in that race car with my ears flapping in the wind just like his.

    By the way. Good job on all that heavenly goodness that came from your boobs. That’s impressive. Go Boobs Go!

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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