the smell of my desperation has become a stench

All of this came out of my boobs

227 Comments
  • Kim

    2004/11/11 at 2:57 pm

    Back to the Go Dog Go book. The copy I have was printed way back in the late 50s I guess since it was my hubby’s book. Anyways, it bugs the heck out of me that instead of “Goodbye, Goodbye” as was posted above, mine says “Good by, Good by” and I think, “did we change the spelling of this word or is this a major typo??”

    Do the new books have the spelling “Goodbye” or “Good by”?

  • Gia on Guam

    2004/11/11 at 2:59 pm

    Amy: “Ain’t no party like a tree dog party, cuz a tree dog party don’t stop!” Hahahahaa

    Sadly I don’t know this book. But I do know The Giving Tree. I’ve managed to make both my ex bf and father cry while reading it to them!

    Meggiemoon: I had to chuckle at your post! How did you feel after your mom revealed that to you?

    Although I have yet to have children, I have always wondered about breastfeeding. Liquid Gold indeed. Being Asian, and D cupped, I’m a little afraid of what’s gonna happen up front when the time comes.

  • Mish

    2004/11/11 at 3:03 pm

    that picture of leta w/ her boyfriend is one of the cutest ever. EVER.

  • robyn.

    2004/11/11 at 3:04 pm

    come on: louisiana doesn’t have counties. parishes only. ;D

    <3 to dooce.

  • Dee

    2004/11/11 at 3:09 pm

    Meggiemoon – My DD was 5 when DS was born – since he was a preemie we had to feed him a certain amount every three ours – when he refused to nurse we would have to top the rest off from pumped milk. Anything that was left over, even if it was half an ounze, my DD would drink. She knew what it was though, I didn’t have to sneak it in.

  • Kristina

    2004/11/11 at 3:40 pm

    Now I’m worried my mom slipped my brothers’ breast milk into my cereal!

  • Toni

    2004/11/11 at 3:54 pm

    Christy,

    That is one of the craziest things I’ve ever heard of. Are you serious? If you are:WOW. If you we born a couple hundred years ago in Europe you would be considered a saint, I bet. Saint Dasiy Lactans. There would be little vials of your milk stored all over the countryside in dim corners of churches.

  • Toni

    2004/11/11 at 4:21 pm

    Oops, I meant for that to be addressed to Daisy.

  • Anca

    2004/11/11 at 4:38 pm

    JOB DESCRIPTION

    POSITION:
    Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, Ma

    JOB DESCRIPTION:
    Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often
    chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and
    organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will
    include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some
    overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on
    rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel
    expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

    RESPONSIBILITIES:
    The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
    until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also,
    must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero
    to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the
    backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face
    stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously
    sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain
    calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have
    ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and
    mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an
    embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
    half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always
    hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete
    accountability! for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also
    include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

    POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
    Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years,
    without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that
    those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

    PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
    None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually
    exhausting basis.

    WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
    Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon
    payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will
    help them become financially independent.. When you die, you give them
    whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
    you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

    BENEFITS:
    While no health or dental insurance, no pension, ! no tuition reimbursement,
    no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies
    limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you
    play your cards right.

    PS. Sorry for the long and not original post; I have been reading you for a while and I’m now addicted. I thought you would enjoy this. (the post, not my addiction)
    ————————

    Love,
    Anca (mother of an 18 year old daughter, exactly like Leta at that age)
    PS2. It does gets better. The screaming stops at some point and is soon replaced by strong oppinions that are always contrary to yours. And then you miss the screaming 🙂

  • daisy

    2004/11/11 at 4:40 pm

    omg, a SAINT??! My Catholic mom would be totally excited…and suspicious. She’s seen how “un-saintlike” I can be.

    Though Joan of Arc did kick a little ass in her day.

    And, yes, it is true. And no, I did not put my real email in the blank. You can imagine why.

    (p.s. I grew up with Free To Be, You And Me! And I even saw the MUSICAL here in Chicago! My dog IS a plumber and I would never dress my cat in an apron.)

    (p.s.s. They still sell this CD on Amazon. If you have not heard it, I would strongly recommend it to anyone who wants a kid’s record that was designed to SHOCK the pants off of all the uptight parents in the neighborhood. Very , very cool!)

  • andy

    2004/11/11 at 4:47 pm

    Call me a man of vision, but you thaw those out and you’ve got some really great balloons to throw. Considering Utah, shouldn’t be hard to find someone you’d like to hit.

  • Littlehoney

    2004/11/11 at 5:03 pm

    You’ve finally done it! You’ve taken a picture that didn’t inspire 125 people to write “excellent – I love how it is from the iambic pentameter..”, etc.

    and like some of the others, I say, “no offense, but ewwwww”

  • Jana

    2004/11/11 at 5:18 pm

    Go Dog GO!!! That’s one of my favorites.

    A couple of other really good ones:

    Big Pumpkin
    Olivia (oh man she rocks)
    Old Hat, New Hat
    And those Sandra Boynton hard books, especially Blue hat Green hat and Opposites.

    I cherish reading all those books to my girls. Now I have to endure “Captain Underpants” at bedtime. (okay, I admit, I rather enjoy his adventures)

  • christyscherrer

    2004/11/11 at 5:53 pm

    Hey! As I like to reassure my mariage partner, we are one the same team! I *love* you! Don’t take my rant as a critisism. I’m not trying to start an arguement. So, let’s go back to being lovers!

    Again, I love your intent. Thanks for being the voice.

    Hey, wanna bring Leta to my house? You’ll be well accommedated, without insanity (since I know what that entials too). You’re the leader.

  • janet

    2004/11/11 at 5:53 pm

    Not to change the subject but did anyone notice Jon’s post today. No place to leave a comment for him on his site so I’ll leave it here. Incredible! If you stand close to other men does your goodness rub off?

  • amanda

    2004/11/11 at 7:02 pm

    Another really great book is called George Washington’s Cows by David Small. How can you resist a book meant for 4 year olds that uses the word obsequious?

  • me

    2004/11/11 at 7:05 pm

    Speaking of squirting breast milk across the room.. Was once at a play put on by the local theater company about Motherhood. Within the first 5 min of the play one of the mothers whipped out a boob and squirted into the audience to make a point. Man did she have DISTANCE! Not so impressive to the older couple sitting in front of us. They got up and left.

  • Janis

    2004/11/11 at 8:48 pm

    Impressive!

    I am nursing twins and still have quite a bit of milk in the freezer. I swear to god I could nurse a small third world country and still pump 40 oz a day.

    Miss Leta is simply adorable! If she’d ever like a playdate with equally adorable twins- I’m just across town.

  • kath

    2004/11/11 at 9:01 pm

    Well, not to take anything away from that awesome display of Dooce Dairy (I never could pump enough to bother freezing, myself), but I want to see a photo of the winter beard!! The man looks incredibly good in a beard. Share.

  • maricar

    2004/11/11 at 10:08 pm

    Dude, I noticed that there are over 200 comments here. Maybe ’cause you said boobs? No I think it’s because of the cool glowing effect you did to the picture. I admire what your boobs have done. My boobs are huge and can’t produce that much gold.

  • Danika

    2004/11/11 at 11:24 pm

    Ahhhh a picture of all your expired Dooce-juice… its just another reason I love you and this site.

  • DeAnn

    2004/11/12 at 1:01 am

    I cannot believe that you created all of that milk. And I also can’t believe you race your own dear sweet readers to post a comment on your own photo! Sheesh!

  • nadia

    2004/11/12 at 1:09 am

    NO! there it is again: Janis.

    ..the connection between nursing, breast milk and SMALL third world countries.

    Am I totally missing something here?

  • jackie

    2004/11/12 at 2:53 am

    that picture is realy disgusting. i can’t believe i drank that shit. last week. egh.

    however i’m really happy to see i’m not the only one who can go 4-5 days without a shower! a few hours before i read yr post i had mentioend to G that i needed to hop in after he was done and he looked at me suspiciously… observing the ponytail… the thick sweatshirt… the grease-stains on my face… the dandruff… and asked how long it’d been. it never actually feels or seems gross until they start smelling you — then suddenly you go from eco-friendly conservationist (read: lazy) to fucking gimli the dwarf.

  • Hillary

    2004/11/12 at 3:13 am

    No time to read all 224 comments, but I might be the only one who is jealous of your ability to create all that.
    Long story short, I never made more than 3 oz…ever. Wanted to, but my body didn’t cooperate.
    good for you!

  • patti

    2004/11/12 at 4:20 am

    Not fair! I could only pump out 2-4 oz at a time. I could never get a whole BAG full!!!!

  • Kara

    2004/11/12 at 5:10 am

    Even more proof that you are a super hero, mama!

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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