the smell of my desperation has become a stench

She knows how to speed dial

  • wendee

    2004/12/07 at 3:37 pm

    Warning – If you try and take the batteries out, unplug the phone, or give her an old phone that doesn’t work. She will know the difference! (Same with remotes!) I swear these little cuties have special powers!

    My 21 month old knows the difference between when I lock the keys on my cell and when they are unlocked! He will throw it right back at me if the keys are locked! Wants nothing to do with the phone!

  • Fish

    2004/12/07 at 4:31 pm

    I just read the comments from the Nov. 30 picture of the nativity scene.

    I’m SO sorry I missed that one.

  • niki

    2004/12/07 at 4:33 pm

    Yay.. i am last =)

  • Fish

    2004/12/07 at 4:38 pm

    Although … while the picture provides ample oppotunity for hilarity, the comments got a little … bizarre.

    Perhaps it should be “Dooce: Your new home for late-night sexual innuendo.” Imagine all the people who looked up “ginormous twinkie” on google, only to be disappointed that is not one of THOSE chat rooms.

    *sigh* I missed you guys.

  • Kristine

    2004/12/07 at 4:45 pm

    Old Posting:
    (p.s. I went to my mailbox today and got another over-sized package, a beautiful picture book of pictures taken from this site and professionally bound, and I don’t know who sent it to me. Did you send it to me?)

    Did you ever find out who sent it?
    is the ‘to send you stuff’ address is that updated?

    Not that I can make anything artistic, I would like to send you a little something for the holiday season.

    Sorry for the half assed email…i’m on my anti anxiety pills and i’m on wee-bit loopy side.

  • Mrs.Stray

    2004/12/07 at 4:52 pm

    Want bizarre?
    How about the posts in the Blurbs Whore archives??

  • Sheryl

    2004/12/07 at 5:04 pm

    Hey Fish, we missed ya too.
    I think you may have prevented some of the, umm, misunderstandings that occurred on that fateful eve.

    Congrats on the baby fish 🙂

  • Broch

    2004/12/07 at 5:13 pm

    OMG!!! I totally LOVE your PHONE! Where can I get one???

  • Fish

    2004/12/07 at 5:31 pm

    Sheryl, my dear, I would have been happy to exacerbate the problem. For instance, there is always the Ghostbusters line: “Egon, what about the Twinkie?”

    Broch: Thanks, I needed some after-dinner sarcasm.

  • Fish

    2004/12/07 at 5:35 pm

    Or, the conversation may have gone straight to Twinkie the Kid, who as we all know was definitely … cheerful.

  • Sheryl

    2004/12/07 at 5:42 pm

    Yes, he was quite…perky.
    Bubbling over with alacrity, to borrow one of Carol’s dad’s fave words.

  • anhedonia

    2004/12/07 at 5:48 pm

    My 6 month old has his own phone, but he only wants to play with mine, especially the corded one. have you ever tried to wrestle a twisted phone cord from the grip of an astoundlingly tall 6 month old’s grip? I should invest in more cordless phones.

  • Amanda B.

    2004/12/07 at 5:53 pm

    Yeah, Fish- there was this whole Fantasy Island/Star Trek argument that you could have settled.

    We missed you too.

  • Fish

    2004/12/07 at 6:01 pm

    Amanda B: hmm. must’ve missed that one. I know nothing about Mr. Spock, and even less about Captain Kirk’s … Twinkie the Kid. Nor would I even imagine any comparisons between “the Twinkster” and Tattoo. So, I’m not sure I could have helped.

    By the by, your “fertility update” was entertaining.

  • Amanda B.

    2004/12/07 at 6:07 pm

    No no no. It wasn’t about Spock’s twig and berries. Perv. 🙂

    Yep, I’m going to the doc tommorow so wish us luck.

  • The Rev

    2004/12/07 at 6:09 pm

    “After slightly hitting him in The Area, as a joke…”

    Joke? You don’t understand. There’s nothing funny about getting hit there.

    “…just a slight brush…”

    A slight brush can hurt more than you know. Sometimes more than a direct hit.

  • Sheryl

    2004/12/07 at 6:10 pm

    Fish, I enjoyed your post about your wife’s encounter with that strange young man in the public restroom!

    Amanda, I thought your appt was on Thu. Damn, the favors I calledin from the 700 Club and all my voodoo shit aint gonna work now cuz I got the wrong day! Doh!

  • Sheryl

    2004/12/07 at 6:27 pm

    But Seriously, Amanda B, I am thinking of you and visualizing that little guy sneaking one past teh goalie real real soon.

    Fish, I was talkin bout Everett…

  • the niffer

    2004/12/07 at 6:30 pm

    Good luck Amanda B!

    You were seriously missed, Fish.

    So far, I’ve refrained from commenting about screaming ovaries. But today I’m feeling strangely torn (pun intended) thanks to the combo post/10 month newsletter; my ovaries are screaming yes, but my vagina is screaming no.

  • Fish

    2004/12/07 at 6:40 pm

    Sheryl: re: “your wife’s encounter with that strange young man in the public restroom”


    Say goodnight Sheryl.

    (P.S. I got the joke the first time. No worries).

    Query: does it really “hurt” the ovaries to see cute babies? Is that where you feel it, or is it just an expression?

    Inquiring Fish wants to know.

  • Fish

    2004/12/07 at 6:43 pm

    Amanda B: I join Sheryl in urging your … er … “little guy” to “sneak one past the goalie real real soon.”

    Not sure that’s the way I’d have put it, however. I don’t think I’d like to visualize it, either, now that I think of it …

  • Amanda B.

    2004/12/07 at 6:48 pm

    It actually hurts, Fish. Twinge. Tingle. Ache. Neeeeed.

    P.S. Thanks Sheryl, my gal! and Niffer!

    P.P.S. Kudos to DL and BabyFish (who we are calling-? Everett? Wilford? Pedro?) That kid has a beautiful, perfectly round melon. See what bypassing that nasty birth canal can do for a baby!

  • Sherly

    2004/12/07 at 6:50 pm

    Twerp. Fish.

  • Amanda B.

    2004/12/07 at 7:22 pm

    Uh, what I said sounded bad, with the tingle and the need and whatnot. I didn’t mean it like that.

    Fish and Sheryl- my husband said, “Please ask them not to refer to them as my “little guys”. My guys are freakin huge!”

    P.S. Sorry for the chit chat Dooce.

  • Marley

    2004/12/07 at 7:37 pm

    Short-term reader, first time caller. Cute baby. She always looks happy, in a full stick of butter sort of way.

  • Nikki

    2004/12/07 at 9:14 pm

    Dooce, I am new to the website, but I can’t stop reading it! It’s a welcome distraction from studying. Leta is cute, cute, cute!!!

  • Shiz

    2004/12/07 at 9:16 pm

    Leta is my hero; not afraid of the phone. I’m shy on the phone. I’m shy a lot.

  • juli

    2004/12/07 at 9:19 pm

    I love your letters to Leta. I hope she appreciates them when she gets older, but be prepared for the phase in which she *hates* anything you write about her. Say in about 13 years.

  • Shiz

    2004/12/07 at 9:20 pm

    And in the newsletter/soap suds pic, she looks like a Kewpie Doll. But better.

  • Yajaira

    2004/12/07 at 9:22 pm

    All the pictures of Leta are absolutely precious. She’s such a beautiful baby :). Her newsletter brought tears to my eyes, from laughter–because I know *just* what you’re talking about, and because it was just that touching.

  • DeAnn

    2004/12/07 at 9:34 pm

    She’s too smart for her own good, isn’t she?

  • Ashe

    2004/12/07 at 9:43 pm

    Leta is as scrumptious as ever. I could gobble up those chubby cheeks whole. But I guess you got first dibs on those yummy cheeks already. *Sigh*

    Equality?I don’t think there’s such a thing when it comes to the question of the opposite sexes. Men will never, ever know the pain of labor. Not even getting kicked in the place-in-between will we ever come close. And for that, I salute all mommies out there.

  • shauny

    2004/12/07 at 11:56 pm

    the month ten photos are just stunning, she is one gorgeous wee baby. and the ‘equality’ entry has seen off the last of my maternal urges for good… hehe 🙂

  • Xenne

    2004/12/08 at 4:03 am

    I have to say, after having 3 children and passing 4 kidney stones. The kidney stones were the worst pain I have ever felt.

    Sure the total experience of childbirth was gross, massively incovenient and made me feel about as far from a fresh spring daisy as I could feel. And that full fresh spring daisy feeling never returned.

    But the feeling of those stones ripping through my kidney and slowly bludgeoning their way through the exit tubes to my bladder and then bludgeoning their way through my bladder and scraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaping through my urethra, and then coming out through the peehole. Mind you this took about 2 and a half weeks for the whole process.

    I heard from my doctor that the pain is the same for men and for women for kidney stones even though men think it’s worse.

    Horrifying pain. I get the sweats just thinking about this.

  • Xenne

    2004/12/08 at 4:05 am

    I forgot to say that child birth was painful.

    Don’t get me wrong. It was, very, especially for the first one which was fast and violent ( 2 hours total ). I actualy thought I was going to die.

    But for the stones, I knew I was going to die. And I wanted to.

  • Rebekah

    2004/12/08 at 4:36 am

    Dooce is at 6.8%

  • Fish

    2004/12/08 at 4:41 am

    Wow, Xenne, that was marvelously graphic. Thanks, truly, for sharing.

  • lulu cornichon

    2004/12/08 at 5:00 am

    Now my *entire* bottom system is cowering in fear.

  • Chloe

    2004/12/08 at 5:06 am

    Babies loooooooove phones… my daughters face lights up every time we have it to our ear… and BTW… my daughter has that SAME dress!

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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