the smell of my desperation has become a stench

How to Charm Me

Call me back and say, “If I haven’t flipped you off or told you to go to hell in the last month, then consider it done,” right after hanging up the phone to wish your granddaughter a happy birthday, having not yet listened to the messages I left on your voice mail that went something like this: “You have not yet called to wish your granddaughter a happy birthday, and since it is five minutes until six o’clock OUR time, you have approximately SIX hours to do the right thing. You forgot MY birthday once, which you know I will never fully forgive you for, but I WILL NOT LET YOU SCAR MY DAUGHTER THE SAME WAY, GRANDMOMMIE.”

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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