An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Jones. He got in the way.

  • Squish

    Sorry to dredge up yesterday’s news, but I just woke up from a long winter’s nap.

  • Katie-be-bored-at-work

    Striz, I love those skits on SNL, too. I love how they are always saying everything is “wicked”. My family is from Connecticut and everything was always “wicked cool” and “wicked ugly”. I think wicked is the New England version of “very”. I think Matt Damon is wicked hot!

  • GMM

    Can you put a video link so we can watch Leta crawl? That would be SO COOL.

  • Jones looks like he is Jones’en for something.

    Jones: OK lady look, I know you have the good stuff and you’re going to give it to me right now. Matt Damon told me you have the good stuff and he don’t tell no lies. I don’t want no more crap. Give me quality now. Look, if you don’t give it up right now, I’m going to do something, something really bad. You don’t want to test me. Do I look like I’m kidding? OK, you asked for it…say your prayers Nikon D70…

  • Squish

    Dr. Freud would say Heather is dreaming about that awful Dweebisis chick…Debbie. She has a baseball message board and she is a “super” Yankee fan, even though she doesn’t live anywhere near NYC.

    Debbie, you’re not very genuine. When you say those awful, uneducated things about Leta, you make me really mad. I feel sorry for you, and will try to remember you in my prayers, because I think that you have totally lost your mind.

  • U.B.

    Hmmm, I can see Brad Pitt or other hunky boys causing humpjuice dreams. But I always thought both Matt and Ben were pretty average looking guys?? But I may be too hetero to really judge other men…

    One thing is for sure — Matt is definitely putting out waaaay better movies. Even though the Bourne stuff doesn’t follow the books very well, they’re pretty dang entertaining movies.

  • “you are either a Matt person or a Ben person”

    I used to be a Ben person… pre-Pearl Harbor when he was just one of the Kevin Smith jerkys. Then he went all Bennifer and I’ve come to my senses. Do you think he’s dating Jennifer Garner just so he can still be Bennifer? omg.

    Meanwhile Matt went all Bourne and OH. MAH. GAH! ’nuff said

  • Baaaaawstin

    I love the SNL skits were the kids from Baaawstin are always humping and making out.
    No.. You aaare

  • Matt Damn so totally broke up Bennifer. He told everyone about the stripper. Now he is like Barner.

  • Girl A, only $400 per ticket? He’s getting off easy. I know people who have paid that for opening day tickets that didn’t involve the Yankees or rings. And GODDAMN, that’s going to be sweet.

  • Dooce is totally missing the boat on the whole merch thing. One lil button on the front page, and she could be making buckets of money selling swag. How funny would it be – and you know this would happen! – to be walking down the street wearing a t-shirt that said “FIRST!!!” and have someone come up to you and say “You read her, too? Isn’t she awesome?”

    Just sayin’.

  • Of course, I’d also buy a T-shirt with a half-gone Altoid on it and the words “No Sugar in the Sugar-pot” … but hey, that’s just me.

  • Cate

    Salt Lake does have a baseball team, just not major league (I guess, but I really don’t know much about baseball) – the Salt Lake Buzz. I’ve never been to a game, but I drive past the stadium a lot.

  • Squish

    It’s a still shot from “The Omen V: Dweebisis lives”

  • Katie-be-bored-at-work

    Mmmmm, Humpjuice, Matt Damon, Johnny Damon… This conversation is getting exciting. (Johnny Damon does have a really bad mullet. And he sort of looks like a Neanderthal. But he plays really good baseball!) And what about Matt Damon? He has really nice apples.

  • Matt Damon is one of the yummiest humans I’ve ever seen. He’s so yummy I’d date Ben Affleck just to get nearer to Matt.

    Oh, and Heather Poo, Matt’s usually in the press box when he goes to Red Sox games–which is whenever he can–because he’s not as big a media whore as Ben. I know because I’m generally tempted to jump on the subway into Fenway and stalk him.

    An eighth grade teacher I know was once talking to his students about Good Will Hunting and the whole Ben/Matt issue. This girl then said, “you are either a Matt person or a Ben person”, and apparently, we’re Matt people.

  • Outtake from auditions for remake of Children of the Corn.


  • I think the word of the day should be “humpjuice” That just made me spit Dr. Pepper out my nose. Ouch.

  • Oh, I almost forgot . . .

    Just as a reminder:

    Johnny Damon is a Red Sox MVP with a really bad mullet.

    Matt Damon is an Oscar winner with a really great line:

    “You like apples?”


    “Oh yeah? Well. I got her numbah. How d’ya like them apples?”

  • Great photograph, good colouring, and 200 odd very interesting comments.

  • humpjuice – hehe

  • I once had a dream about Matt Damon. I call it the female equivalent to a wet dream. You might know the type, ladies. It’s the one where the guy is taking really good care of you and threatening other people who are mean to you by flexing whatever muscles he might have or slaying them with witty comments like “HOW YOU LIKE ‘DEM APPLES?”. Where you are their everything– that kind of dream. Which, later, when you’re telling your significant other about said dream, translates into “I got my humpjuice all over Matt Damon in a dream last night.”

    I still haven’t lived that dream down. It happen years ago. Every time he comes on the TV, Toby Joe is all, “Your boyfriend is on t.v. Are you horny now?”

    You shouldn’t have mentioned anything, Heather. It’s all down hill from here. However, you’ll be heading south with Matt Damon, so that can’t be too bad, right?

  • I love weird dreams.

  • 1. Is Matt Damon really THAT blond?
    2. I thought it was the other one, Ben ‘no from JLo, yes from JGarner’ Affleck, who was the big Red Sox fan.
    3. Why would you be a Red Sox fan if you are in Utah? Is it cause you don’t have a baseball team there? May I suggest starting up a team call the Salt Lake Sinners, or conversely, the Salt Lake Saints. Too obvious?
    4. Shouldn’t the true nightmare be concerned with a more timely sort of sport like the NHL? I think they might be more antagonistic towards blonds.

  • But… what about Matt Damon?

  • There’s something going on here
    But you don’t know what it is
    Do you,
    Mr. Jones?

  • That photo wants to eat someone’s soul, I just know it.

  • Cheryl

    Matt Damon, huh? Oh yeah… OF FRANCE!

  • No more Jones. I am skeered. I can almost hear the Grudge cat.


  • Alishia Hanson

    Really, that is so weird about Matt Damon. I NEVER think about that guy. At least, not since my senior year in college when Good Will Hunting came out. And then today, TODAY, as I’m staying home sick in my bed from excessive puking last night, I am aimlessly looking up whatever my googly fancy and who pops into my head: MATT Freaking DAMON. And then I roll on over to here and what do I see: you’re too blonde and MATT Freaking DAMON. “The world is too much with us.”

    PS: in my search I’m privy to this info: just announced The Bourne Ultimatum. Give me a break! and I cannot wait!

  • Isn’t that just like a dog? I wish getting in the way of my pictures is all mine did. But nooooo, she likes to snatch steak and show everyone my used tampons.

  • becaru

    Jones! Are you advocating for Jones Thursdays?

  • kat

    I perked up when I read “matt damon.” Albeit, I have teeny tiny crush. My husband is okay with it though. I love the color of Jones’ eyes.

  • I have so many photos like this where a random part of one of my dogs is blocking what I am really photographing. Glad to know it happens to the pros as well!

  • does Dooce tell us how to speak because she realizes she has that power over us? I mean, I know I’LL ask people “what about matt damon?” and then the follow up question will undoubtedly be “what does he have to do with the president? OF FRANCE!!!!”

  • Katie-be-bored-at-work

    Yeah, and she must have watched “The Medium”, too. They mentioned Matt Damon. There was a girl on the show that gave a description of her attacker to the officer who draws the sketches of criminals, and the drawing ended up looking like Matt Damon.

  • It was at that very moment that Dooce realized that she was under attack from a pack of zombie dogs from Mars. The four-legged undead monsters craved brains like a Jersey girl craves hairspray. Being the smartest woman in all the land, the beasts followed the scent of her unusually potent grey matter to arrive here in the land of Jebus and UPPERCASE GOD at this moment. Dooce was cornered. Escape was just an afterthought now. Dooce cradled her beloved D70 to her chest and waited for the end. That’s when Chuck sprang into action…

  • But what I want to know is… who is that back there with their head positioned so it looks like they’re milking the dog?

  • Cate’s belly

    “Who in their right mind would take a job that required you to work 12 hour days every day of the week with no vacation and no pay?”


    Having recently achieved 30-something this is what I spend a lot of time thinking about.
    The answer so far is: not me.

    Leta is a high-quality kid, but your honesty the last couple of years have really made me think that motherhood is not my game.

    Which of course means you’re a superstar.

  • I thought I was at Daily Oliver for a minute!

  • Award for most entertaining use of a made-up word (so far today) goes to *heidi* (comment #149) for her use of MOBILATING.

  • Katie-be-bored-at-work

    Razz, I have to thank you for the turtleneck format for your nifty Dooce shirt. I am sure that is in homage to my comment yesterday about Dooce’s and my long necks. My neck does have a tendency to get chilly. So now I can stay warm and look really fashionable. You really need to market that shirt. I would be the first customer.

  • That dog at first glance looks like an alien

  • *Big Gay Sam* – Don’t forget the trolls.

  • Cate

    Admit it, Dooce – you watched Lost last night! Why else would have had a dream about the Red Sox?

  • *Dr. Johnny Fever:* “I want to thank all the little people. You know elves, fairies, gnomes, the little people.”

  • ooooh Very Scarey!

    Yet I can’t stop staring at him!

  • love everybody.

    this photo made me…fuck?

  • henry

    lisa b – or maybe it’s that perhaps your father was suggesting that working as in employment requires a different set of disciplines to the care of an infant and maybe familiarity and success with one doesn’t imply the same with the other? maybe he wasn’t insinuating a subversive “motherhood is easy” agenda?

  • “this photo made me say ‘fuck’.”

    Read something entirely different at first.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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