An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Lance Armstrong

This afternoon I am getting a marble-sized cyst on the back of my knee lanced. The problem is that when I talk about it I keep saying that I have to get my lance cysted. Have you cysted your lance today?

Beth and I were talking on the phone yesterday and I mentioned that I had to get my lance cysted and she was overcome with excitement, more excitement than I knew a cysted lance deserved. She said she once had a lance that got cysted and the goo that came out of it was oozy and cretaceous. And I said you mean crustaceous? And she said yeah, that, not the word that has to do with dinosaurs. And I said, yeah, I’m not sure dinosaurs have anything to do with it.

Later in the day we talked again and she asked if I was ready for the cysting of the lance, and I said that I was a little scared but more excited than anything else. I mean, crustaceousness was going to come out of my knee just like she described. And then I asked her, what was that word you used earlier? And she said crus, crus, um… and then I heard her turn to her five-year-old son and ask what is that word? And he said authoritatively, “It’s the Cretaceous Dinosaur Period, Mom.”

Yeah, that. THANKS, FIVE-YEAR-OLD BOY WHO COULD PROBABLY SOLVE THE SOCIAL SECURITY DEBATE IF WE JUST ASKED HIM TO.

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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