Playful, elegant, and not above the judicious use of the word “shit."

Employee needs improvement

There’s a new game in our house, it’s called Give Mama a Heart Attack. It started when I set her next to a wall of toys in the living room so that I could run and put away a basket of folded laundry three rooms away. As I was arranging her sock drawer I heard this wicked cackle right behind me AND THERE SHE WAS. I shrieked because I’m easily startled and Jon called from the other room, “WHAT? Are you okay? Is it a spider? A rat?”

No, worse. It’s OUR BABY.

For the past two days I’ve done nothing but lose the baby only to find her in remote corners of the house. This morning I found her hiding behind the toilet. I know you’re shaking your head going, how do you lose a baby? In your own house? Actually, the process is very similar to losing your mind. You just look away for one moment AND IT’S GONE.

I’ll call out her name while I’m frantically looking for her and the only response I get is a faint giggle coming from behind a pile of shoes in the closet or, as was the case this morning, next to the toilet plunger behind the commode. Up until this point she’s been a one-room crawler, confined by invisible lines that separate the living room and the dining room, lines she’s drawn by herself that indicate that the distance is not worth the energy she needs to use for screaming later.

But last night Jon and she played a game of crawl-chase throughout the house RIGHT BEFORE BEDTIME, the PERFECT time to get a child so riled up that the last thing she wants to do is remain still in a crib. She thought the game was hilarious, and when she would pause to catch her breath she would hang her head and laugh and laugh and laugh. I should have known then that those laughs were her way of saying, YOU IDIOTS. YOU MEAN IT’S OKAY TO GO FROM ONE ROOM TO ANOTHER AT THIS SPEED? YOU MEAN YOU ARE ACTUALLY ENCOURAGING ME? AMATEURS! YOU’RE JUST A BUNCH OF AMATEURS!

And she’s totally right because we reward her sneaking off to the nether regions of the house by letting her watch an episode of “BoohBah,” JUST TO KEEP HER STILL FOR MORE THAN TWO SECONDS. My annual job review is so totally going to say WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN THIS INDUSTRY?

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