Second on that list would be “rub Mama’s feet”

I met my friend at Danger Park yesterday morning so that we could help each other keep our children awake until an acceptable nap time. Leta has a nasty tendency to take a small cat nap in the morning and then refuse to nap for the rest of the day. SO I FORCE HER TO STAY AWAKE, an appropriate tactic used by the military against the enemy in time of war so you can clearly see that I am completely justified and sanctioned by The United States Government.

(Once I joked to a neighbor who drives her three-year-old around in the car to get him to nap that I was going to call the Department of Children and Family Services on her for sitting next to the car as he slept. She shot back, “If you don’t, I will. I could use the break.”)

I brought Chuck to play with her dog, Jones, who outweighs Chuck by at least 80 pounds. They chased each other for about twenty minutes stopping casually to graze on grass and stray sticks when this lawnmower/tractor machine drove up over the horizon to mow the field of grass next to the park. I say tractor because it was bigger than your average economy-sized import car, loud and orange and sporting blades taller than the swingset. Without warning Jones abandoned Chuck and headed straight for the tractor, barking and growling and charging with the weight of his whole gray body.

Chuck looked at him then looked at me then looked at him then looked at me like, “What the HELL does he think he’s doing?”

I’ve known dogs to charge cars and garbage trucks, but lawnmowers? With sharp blades? FOR WHAT REASON? It’s not there to take away your owner OR your precious trash, it’s there to MOW THE LAWN. Be glad you get to sleep all day, DOG, because if dogs could do chores mowing the lawn WOULD BE AT THE TOP OF YOUR TO-DO LIST.

My friend zapped him a few times with the zapper collar and he came running back but not without a huge heaping helping of indignation, as if that lawn mower had ANY right to be at that park mowing that grass WHAT THE HELL? I turned to my friend and said, “Whatever drug your dog is smoking I’d really like to get my hands on some.”