How am I driving? Call 1-800-SUCKMYBIGTOE

Gone are the days when I could watch what I wanted to watch while Leta drinks her bottle. Yes, I should probably turn the television off and just enjoy the beauty that is a baby sucking down lactose but that would make it seem as if I like motherhood, and that is not at all the picture I am trying paint. Motherhood is awful and God hates kittens.

A concerned reader recently pointed out I seem to despise motherhood and hate my life in Utah, and that because of this Leta is going to grow up thinking her mother hated her and hated taking care of her. I am not paraphrasing. I bounced the email to make her think that I didn’t receive it, what I do with most of my hate mail now because then the sender doesn’t really know if I read it or not. Tricky! You should definitely try it. There is no more powerful button, BOUNCE, except perhaps the clitoris.

Once someone tried so hard to send me this really nasty email that she tried from three different email addresses. I bounced it each time and it freaked her out so badly that she accused me of HACKING INTO HER AOL ACCOUNT. I may have time to hit BOUNCE, but I don’t have time to hack into anyone’s email account much less try to send someone I don’t know an email about how much I hate them over and over again. I spend all my time hating motherhood.

Which brings me back to the point about the television we watch during Leta’s bottle feedings. Leta will not sit still to drink a bottle unless we watch “Teletubbies” or “BoohBah.” Funny that she won’t sit still to watch those shows at any other time so that, say, I could use the bathroom by myself. But, fine, okay, I’ll watch those shows so she’ll eat. Yesterday I noticed during one of the BoohBah dancing routines that the yellow BoohBah, Humbah, was really putting all it had into the dance steps, oomph and gusto and scary, maniacal energy that makes babies spasm with glee. Trust me, if you haven’t seen Humbah dance then your life is an empty shell and you will die having never experienced true joy.

The blue BoohBah, Jumbah, is not as enthusiastic, however. In fact, I think Jumbah is totally phoning it in. It’s always in the front of the dance routine so you get the feeling that it’s the jaded lead singer who isn’t getting nearly as much head as it thought it would, what with being the lead singer of BoohBah.

And here’s the thing, here it is: I get to sit around and watch colored, uncircumcised penises dance around a stage that looks like a scene from someone’s acid trip and YOU THINK I HATE MOTHERHOOD? Are you crazy? It’s like Saturday morning cartoons with Papa Smurf and Gargamel, except it’s all the time and I don’t have to ask permission to eat more Doritos.

Everybody, run out now and have a baby.