the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Clarification in response to recent allegations that my heart is black and emits dangerous toxins

It seems as if a few people who know my friend Annie read my site last week (this post where I accuse Annie of driving while in a coma) and have concluded that I don’t like Annie. I should probably add a disclaimer to all of my posts that says: WARNING! DOOCE.COM REGULARLY SHOWS ITS LOVE TOWARD OTHER PEOPLE BY ASSAULTING THEM WITH CHAIN WHIPS. And then when you pull up this page and see blood you’ll think, “Cute, she’s being nice!”

I am a huge fan of Annie. I wouldn’t have alleged that she held me hostage against my will if I weren’t, and I felt comfortable enough to make diagrams of the crime because I truly believe that if she had the platform she’d do the same thing to me. I don’t think I could ask for more in someone who regularly brings her kid over to play with mine, someone who can take my shit and then turn around and throw it right back in my face. Plus, are you ready for this? She likes to say WIENER. For that reason alone I’m sending Leta to preschool at her house.

In conclusion, Annie’s friends, I’d like to say that Annie is a terrible driver, but that’s what makes her so adorable. And I would totally party with her except that she’s an uptight Mormon who has to ask permission from God first.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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