the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Lesbians pick their noses, too

Yesterday Shelli from New York (she who sent Leta her first cell phone) wrote to suggest a correction to my Festive Fecal Holiday post: “There’s no MAN in my bed… you said ‘he picks his nose.’ Unless, of course, you count the cats — but they’re now eunuchs, and don’t have opposable thumbs.”

I can’t believe I did that. Sorry, Narda! I should have written, “THAT PERSON IN BED NEXT TO YOU? HE OR SHE PICKS HIS OR HER NOSE, TOO.” Because, let’s be fair, women can be just as gross as men (see: depilatory creams). Except for the fact that men are always scratching their balls in public. I don’t know about you, ladies, but I’m always scratching my balls in private.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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