Best way to roast the broomstick. Must try. Five Stars.

I can’t fight this feeling any longer

My mother called yesterday to see how Leta was doing and lamented that she so badly wanted to come over and take her for the day. My response to that was GIVE IN TO THE URGE, MOTHER. Why fight those feelings?

My life is nothing but a textbook example of what the repression of urges can do to a human being: one day I’m a virginal alto in the high school choir who protects her eternal salvation by refusing to partake of iced tea, and just a few years later I’m reenacting Van Halen videos in front of hundreds of people while drunk on the spirit of Satan.

“Come get Leta now, Mother,” I warned because I could see my mom’s future and it involved studded leather and tattoos. And biting the head off a rat in front of an Avon vice-president.

  • nobledesign

    boy, does Leta look every bit like Jon!! Those are great shots you posted today! So cute! She’ll be like you later, maybe in her bad ass funny attitude and talent at writing?

  • The song by REO Speedwagon does start out with the words “I can’t fight this feeling any longer”. So her post already does reference REO Speedwagon. I know because I have known this song by heart since I was a kid and used to have a crush on this kid in elementary school and we skated to that song at the local roller rink. Oh the memories… and I can’t seem to get that damn song out of my head today!

    And Madrid, Heather’s vocab is awesome!

  • madrid

    It’s rare that you allow comments on your blog, so forgive for being off-topic, but I wanted to take this moment to bring to your attention, something that, I believe, will help you shake off those last vestiges of Mormonism.

    First off, let me start by saying that I’ve known a lot of Mormons in my day. I went to a high school in Las Vegas in a predominantly Mormon community, and after 4 years of living in terror as a non-Mormon, I moved to Cedar City, UT to waste a year before school, working at the Brianhead Ski Resort (that was a good year.)

    With that being said, my issue is this: Every Mormon I’ve ever known has always used the word, “AWESOME” as the primary adjective in any given sentence. It’s as if the Book of Mormon makes it clear that it is the one true adjective, and that adjective is, for lack of a better word, awesome. As a non-mormon, I delight in using other adjectives such as: fantastic, incredible, spectacular, and magnificent. I take even more delight in prefacing each of those adjectives with the word, “FUCKING”, just to further demonstrate the kind of prick I can be.

    I bring this to your attention because I’ve come across evidence that you might still be clinging to this word, as a young child clings to their security blanket, fearful of the exciting new world of wonder that lies in front of them, on in your case, the exciting new world that is the Little Oxford Thesaurus.

    What evidence is this, you ask? Let us direct our attention to the last three words of the third paragraph of post, “In praise of my househusband.” “…really awesome sex.” Granted, you’ve done a good job in the past using other secular adjectives, but to truely define yourself as someone who has gone great lengths to distance themselves from Mormonism, ceasing all use of the word, “AWESOME” must occur. Drunken PROPELLOR ARMS, aren’t enough, believe me.

    I hope you find the inner strength of character to make this change happen. I know you will. And if it ever becomes a struggle, just remember that a really awesome Scotch on the rocks is always best described as, “Fucking great.”

  • REO Speedwagon will now be running through my head all day. I vote for a change in title to reference the song.

  • Hey, did anyone notice that Heather’s mom got a promotion? She went from Avon World Sales Leader to Avon Vice President. Congratulations, Heather’s Mother!

  • Meg

    Isn’t that part of the normal Avon meetings?

  • At first I wasn’t sure if you forsaw your mom or Leta biting the head off a bat. I assume you mean your mom, but either way, I have interesting images in my head now!

  • due to my overwhelming, all consuming phobia of rats, I am now a little nauseous. here’s hoping that was just dramatic license…

    but other than the terrifying headless rat image, i adore your site. i know, i am just one of the countless millions, but hey you are brilliant so that is what happens…

  • Yea! I wanna know what you think about Big Love too!!!

  • i love my son. but whenever his nanna calls and says “i miss him!” I tell her to come and take him for the day.. please.

    then I can do everything in the day one just can’t do with a child around.

  • Do not let her get trapped in the world of pink cadillacs…. do not, do not, do not

    (says a reformed member of the MK Sales force – Thank goodness I saw the light)

  • Shana Banana

    And I just can’t fight this feeling any moooooooooorrre and I have forgotten just what I was fighting fooooooorrr… errrmmmm.. sorry really, I am. Anyway.. just wait until your little love monkey is seven. My son who is almost eight now goes to a year round school, and he said to me… ” Mommy… during my vacation can I get a mohawk. When it’s time to go back to school, if you have to that is, we can put it back to * gasps * normal if you wanna. ” That was the proudest moment of my life. Little Daimeon wants to be just like his mommy. Even funnier was when he came to me last year and asked me if he could have a Dead Kennedy’s Album on LP cause it sounded better that way. More…. Punk Rock then on CD. Gah! I was so proud. heh Oh well.. Long live Jello Biafra! I say.. let her bite the heads off of bats and wear leather studds and chains. As long as she is home on time every night and her grades stay at a B average. It lets them be rebels… without doin the wrong thing yanno? Just a thought… yadda yaddddda yadda..

  • You continually crack me up. You can find humor in the most mundane things. Leta could be doing all those things and still be straight edge. I will say that having a 14-year-old granddaughter is much more relaxing than having a 14-year-old daughter.

  • I envy you because you have family members BEGGING to take your daughter off your hands for a few hours. And I hate you for putting that damn song in my head! LOL

    Leta is growing up so fast…and is such a beautiful little lady (typed with a slight snicker). 🙂

  • So funny! Drunk on the spirit of Satan.
    Still laughing

  • lizneust

    Mmmmmmmmmm….yummy spirit of satan. And reenacting Van Halen videos is almost as good for you as running the stairs.

    Jealous of your grandmommie proximity, though – the adoring grandparents are all 500+ miles away. Enjoy!

  • “I am filled with Christ’s love, BITCH!” or something to that effect…you gotta see it (Saved), Heather! Enjoy your day!

  • Maybe I should have one of these kid things… they seem to provide endless entertainment, and excruciating pain. Or at least they provide writing material. Is there such thing as writers block when you have one of these little things?

  • dhgatsby

    I think, Heather, that you are Riding The Storm Out. But if we call this a storm, which seems to be a quiet cool now, I wonder what some of these comments about 18 year olds and tattoos spell for later. Ok, maybe too much coffee today. It all sounds fine to me, to have a parent around for the enrichment and caring of the little ones.

  • My daughter must have been abducted by aliens and brainwashed. She never seems to tire of hearing “Mommmmmeeeee”. She did say not long ago that having drinks with friends always seemed to involve a sippy cup though.

    I love being around my grandchildren because it’s a chance to not do some of the dumb shit I did as a parent. Then after about an hour the phrase “Get me the hell out of here!” comes perilously close to vocalization.

    Iced tea? A few years ago I was able to buy a bottle of something called “Zip” at a convenience store up in Montpelier Idaho…bottled in Bountiful, it was just water…with caffeine added. Someone is on the Express bus to hell for sure!

  • A babysitter is a babysitter.
    At this point, I’D hire the Avon World Sales Leader.

  • gribblelite

    I, like you, repressed many urges in a bona fide Missionary Baptist sort of way…but unlike you, I have never cared for the elixir of Satan, iced tea.

    By the age of 7, I worshipped all things KISS…I used to cry myself to sleep at the thought of never seeing them in concert. Of course, I would always close my bedroom door so my mother wouldn’t hear me spinning my records in reverse to see if there were any backmasked messages from me from the dark overlords of rock ‘n roll. Even at that age, I just knew there was something wonderfully magical about Gene Simmons and his 6 inch tongue.

    “I can’t fight this feeling” is indeed done by R.E.O. Speedwagon…any self-respecting Missionary Baptist would know this.

  • Hmm..you might think that she’s going to be into all that (and she might) but in my experience it’s own the very opposite. Just think of how much worse it’s going to be if she ends up rebuking ice-tea.

  • I used to refuse when my mother offered me money, then I realized that she has a lot more than me and if she’s willing to just give it away? I’m a happy recipient. Same with her baked goods. Very happy recipient.

  • jes

    warp? was that the wrong word to use?

  • The other argument for the Avon World Sales Leader coming to get her is that without her consistent guidance & presence, Miss Leta could – gasp – go to the truly Dark Side: Mary Kay World Sales Leader.

    I think she’d have the pink cadillac within a year. And y’all would be out of the will.

  • Hanni

    I’m sorry, but if iced tea, Van Halen, tattoos and leather-studded hot pants are wrong, then damn it, I don’t wanna be right.

  • It is REO Speedwagon that sings that song.

    http://www.tabcrawler.com/lyrics.php?action=view&file_id=70381

  • Please, please, just promise us, if it comes to that, there will be pictures. Promise.

  • Van Halen is so not the bad boys now. Try Marylin Manson.

    How did you like the last episode of Big Love?

  • I am hoping that Leta gives us the honor of sharing her experiences when the time comes. Leta, will you at least consider it?

  • *sigh*
    Unfortunately, my parents are waiting “’til the boys are fully housebroken” to take them for more than an hour or two. THESE ARE BOYS! Are they EVER ‘really housebroke’?!

    Plus, that satan-spoutin’, rat-bitin’, leather-lovin’ stage seems to be happening younger and younger. If I was a grandparent, I would be taking them still in diapers to avoid that uncomfortable question “Granny, will you take me to get my tongue pierced?”

  • Now that’s an urge that needs no repressing. Hurrah for grandmothers!

  • I keep seeing air supply references. I thought it was REO speedwagon? Okay I am dork for knowing that.

    Does the spirit of satan taste like Tequila?

  • I agree with the above comment – rent Saved, it’s pretty funny!

    I like reading your memories of your ‘straight’ days, because I have a friend who recently became Mormon and he talks about when he used to drink. Haha.

    And oh yes, did you ever talk about your good news that you were meeting with lawyers about? I can’t remember…

  • dre

    OMG I just CRACKED UP out loud in my little cubicle! You are TOO funny Heather! (and yes, REO Speedwagon ROCKS!) 🙂

  • Wendy

    Hey Heather. I’m new to your blog. It’s definitely a fun read. Sometimes I feel like I’m too old to be out getting loaded like I used to (I think I had some major repression issues, too), but I’m finding that at 33 I can still bust it out every once in a while. For example, recently I sang “Sweet Child of Mine” with a local band in our town. Sounds great, other than the fact I don’t sing. But, hey, it was GNR, what can I say?

  • skissman

    I could have sworn that REO Speedwagon did “I can’t fight this feeling”. One of their light rock, love ballad, high school dance songs.
    “Lost in Love” was my favorite Air Supply song.

    God, I feel old.

  • The real question is: what urge will you cease to repress during your short reprieve from Leta? Please let us know about it. I’m sure it will be entertaining.

  • jes

    I hope you keep this site throughout Leta’s life. I genuinely want to know who will warp her more:

    a) the Avon World Sales Leader on behalf of The Church; or
    b) the Daughter Who Reverts and loses all rights to The Will.

  • katehopeeden

    I don’t come from a family that will come and get my kids for a day.
    I do however come from one of those “hippy” families.
    My parents used to drop acid and roll joints at the kitchen table.
    I didn’t know either was illegal until after the DARE program came to our school.
    Needless to say, none of my urges were repressed 🙂
    ~K

  • So it’s Satan we have to thank for you general wonderfulness.

  • Air Supply? *gasp* There’s someone else who remembers Air Supply?

    Yeah, yeah, off topic, I know. Satan, Van Halen, bat-biting…

  • Carli

    When they say that kids change you, you really don’t comprehend how much and in which body parts. The last few days I have been on my own with the “three under 5” and let’s just say that I have made a concious decision NOT to drink after they’ve gone to bed, but only because it would have serious interactions with all of the Xanax that I’ve had to take to get through the day. I hope your mom comes through, and teaches Leta the secrets of Avon Domination!

  • funkiepj

    i live in LA and thought of you yesterday as i saw two young, nubile girls driving down olympic blvd. in a shiny new civic with utah plates and a plate holder declaring ‘brigham young university alumni’. oh sweet jesus. my mind filled with thoughts of their first sips of coffee and their alcohol fueled fumblings on soap star couches and i laughed and laughed and laughed….

  • I remember the day my mother called me to say, *gasp*, do you know your sister drinks, *pause*, alcohol??

    But I do enjoy those moments when my child walks up to a total stranger and says, “Cigarettes will kill you!”

    Ahh, parents.

  • Your mom is lucky that you’re watching out for her, and that you’re so willing to take one for the proverbial team. May all the rats in her vicinity keep their heads…

  • Just the other day my 12 going on 13 year old asked me for a Rob Zombie CD…it will happen someday. Give it time. Enjoy the non biting heads off baby bats stage while you can.

  • gabip

    How I envy you. We just moved to Seattle, leaving my parents behind in San Diego and I would give my two front teeth just to be able to have my Mom come over and take Alex for the day like she used to. Alex turned two in Feb and everything is Mamaaaaaaaa, Mamaaaaaaa, Mamaaaaaaa, all day, every day. You are a lucky, lucky woman, you have a house husband and the Avon Queen.

  • And don’t forget all of the intimate piercings!

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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