the smell of my desperation has become a stench


Every morning after we all lounge in bed with a bowl of generic Fruit Loops and a huge serving of the local news Leta indicates that she has had enough of our boring morning routine by chirping, “Change dee diaper?” It’s always a question, and she always nods her head vigorously when she asks it. The first time that question ever came out of her mouth I wanted to throw up because I thought perhaps she might be ready for potty-training — honestly, that is not an experience in life that I need to have, you know? I can’t imagine many people lying on their death bed wondering, “If only I could have potty-trained a child.”

I am looking forward to that experience much like I look forward to a cold sore.

I soon realized that she was only imitating a question I have asked out loud every morning for over two years: “Change your diaper?” I never expected her to respond to the question, it was more of an indication that we should get out of bed and get going. I could have said anything and she would have caught on to the idea. Now I wish I had been more creative with my choice of words because I think it would be wonderful multiplied by infinity if every morning Leta turned to me and asked, “Smoke a bowl?”

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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