An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

How to medicate with legal substances

Last night after we received the final estimate on how much it’s going to cost us to replace the sewer line — more than our entire kitchen remodel — I called the neighbor who had deluded herself into thinking that Jon and I were going to a costume party as plumbers to give her the good news, that it’s no one’s problem but ours, and that she should know that whenever we’re invited to costume parties I always go as the girl who is there to drink all the alcohol. Jon likes to think of it more as the girl who get so drunk she ends up on the floor kissing your dog on the mouth costume.

Then we took inventory of just how much worse things could have been to make ourselves feel better. One, we caught the problem before the pipe backed up and filled our basement with sewage. Two, every member of the family is safe and healthy and cute especially Leta who yesterday in the middle of all this walked up to me, gave me a hug, and said, “Bootiful Mama.” Just for that the answer to every request she makes for the rest of her life is, “Yes, yes, yes, yes, and of course.” Three, my God, we are so lucky in so many ways. We have a roof over our head, family who loves us, access to medical care, and most importantly the food on hand to numb the pain, particularly the Oh My God Our Plumbing’s Fucked Cookie.

First, we started with a plain chocolate chip cookie that our friends Pat and Rebecca dropped off with a card that said, “So sorry about the troubles. Cookies sometimes help us.” This means that if something like this ever happens to them we’ll return he favor, except we’ll drop off some of our soothing heroin.

Two, we spread a layer of peanut butter on top because we ran out of spreadable cocaine.

Then we added a layer of Nutella (chocolate hazelnut spread) because we just burned a calorie when we spread the peanut butter and that was totally exhausting. MUST REPLENISH ENERGY RESERVES.

Next came another layer of peanut butter because the stress of the broken sewer line is compounded by anxiety over the fact that we are now one half-ounce closer to an empty jar of Nutella. This layer of peanut butter is the equivalent of 5 mg of Valium and a shot of vodka.

Then it was time to add another cookie to make a perfect denial cookie sandwich.

We placed the cookie sandwich into a bowl to begin the next phase of the project: What Else Do We Have in the Refrigerator?

Then we added a scoop of Cookies ‘N Cream ice cream so that the cookie sandwich wouldn’t feel so alone inside the bowl. We’re compassionate that way. And also very good at justification.

Next we sprinkled a handful of M&M’s on top to give it texture and flair, two very important qualities in a dessert interface. The only thing missing is a button that says, “Magnify to 500%.”

Finally, we poured caramel topping over the whole thing because of our ambitious nature. Why stop at a clogged artery when we could aim for something higher like adult onset diabetes?

  • dre

    Your creation is simply bootiful!! I hope your plumbing problems are resolved quickly – for calories’ sake! 🙂

  • Paula Schmitt

    OH. MY. GOD. That looks so incredible – I can just taste it – but wait – any butterscotch syrup to go with that?!

  • That looks evil.

    Not quite as evil-looking, but up there, is the White Chocolate Chip Cookie at Seattle’s Best. It’s about as tall as a buttermilk buscuit. And it has real chocolate (and toffee, I think) in it too, not just white. YUM.

  • Jessey

    EXCELLENT use of leftover Easter letter after L – ampersand – letter after Ls.
    It’s taking every fiber of my being not to get up from my chair and approximate that with Whatever I’ve Got In The Pantry

  • is it wrong to say i wish you were my mom ?

  • Touch more icecream.

    Tinge more caramel.

    Whipped cream.

    Really… M&M’s had higher priority over whipped cream?

  • I’m so OCD that when I looked at each picture, as the dirty knife got dirtier dirtier and then made the table dirtier, my heart started beating faster and faster. Now, if the ENTIRE table were covered in peanut butter and Nutella, that would be fine. But no spots. Please either lick the table or cover it entirely. 🙂

  • God that looks good. So good that I almost started licking the screen. Actually, my dog almost started licking the screen when she saw that. I totally agree that there is no cure that comes close to the rehabilitative effects of a sugar coma.

  • rootietoot

    I once ate a whole jar of nutella, when we were
    given a $3000 estimate for replacing the sewer pipe from the house to the street. On November 21st. Before I’d started Christmas shopping. It is soothing stuff, for sure. I was too panicked to think of cookies.

  • Freeze it, dip it in that chocolate that hardens.

    Now THAT would be a dessert.

    mmmmmm… Nutella.

  • princessmombi

    Sorry I didn’t type a complete thought before I posted my last comment. I was thinking about the beach towel flushing this morning when I was in the shower, and couldn’t help but laugh… and never want to buy a home.

    You should set up a paypal fund to pay for your new sewer. I’d totally send you a dollar. 🙂

  • Tina

    Come on Heather. Who are you kidding? You know your aneroxic butt won’t eat those cookies. Be real for a minute and write the truth. These are the cookies I will feed to Jon, think about for days and wish I could have a taste of but instead will go to the gym for hours just because the guilt of wanting them weighs too much.

  • weaker vessel

    Once you three rouse yourselves from your diabetic comas, I’m sure that everything will work out juuuust fine. We had to deal with a similarly devastating crapload of shit (literally and metaphorically) within our first month of homeownership, and despite much fluttery anxiety, futon-ensconced sobfests, and the temporary evacuation of our entire! life! savings!, everything worked itself out.

  • It’s probably too late to save you any money, but just in case, here’s an environmentally safe toilet that doesn’t use water–it composts!

    I have no financial interest in this toilet, but I wish I did!

  • Thank you so much for posting that recipe. I’m busy writing up my research, and my head is about to explode, but I’m also out of spreadable cocaine. The caramel drizzle should do, though.

  • victoria

    That was HILARIOUS. Thank you.

  • I’m working on backing up the sewage system in our apartment complex to justify indulging myself to a cookie like that.

  • Thérèse

    Excuse me Mrs. Heather B. Armstrong but this may very well be the most… impressively amazing display of self-restraint I have witnessed in a long time. There is a lot of time between those steps, considering the fact that you paused to thoughtfully photograph each step for us here. I hope you seriously stuffed your faces once you set the camera down.

    Actually I think I will pretend that this picture is of the, like, 4th Cookie Sandwich of Sanity.

  • Medicating with food. It’s what’s for dinner, at least in our lives where, over the past three weeks, we’ve had
    a) a major car accident, not our fault, thank-god-no-one-was-hurt;
    b) a 93-yr-old father suffering from delirium who refused to put on his pants and ran around the house trying to get his caregiver to (ahem) “touch” him
    c) a stolen cell-phone
    d) taxes
    e) miscellaneous bureaucratic-type f-ups where we get up early, drive 40 miles to show up for an appointment where somehow they don’t have our name on the list…

    And they said bad luck came in threes. But like you, I often do think, even right in the middle of this chaos, that I’m undoubtedly the luckiest woman in the world…

  • Once your (underground!) pipes are clean and repaired, go to the hardware store and get some copper sulfate. It keeps the tree roots from growing into your pipes because the tree doesn’t like the taste of it. Unfortunately it doesn’t do anything about beach towels.

  • kelly.

    There are are going to be some angry people finding this post after googling “how to medicate with legal substances”. They’ll come here wondering what goes good with Benylin only to discover COOKIES!

  • my, that’s pretty ballzy…putting someone else’s Web site–the Web site that supports their family no less—on your shirt. That you’re selling. For money. Isn’t that called “profiting from someone else’s trademark?” And then using their Web site to promote it? Wow is all I can say. Wow.

  • Whooops! Sewer line, not kitchen.

  • WHAT!

    What kind of evil is this?!?!

    Don’t you understand that rabid, ravenous, gestating women are among your readership and you go posting picturs of cookies and dare to mention the word NUTELLA when there mere mention of the word makes us crave eating anything that equal 200 calories per tablespon? And I have no Nutllas in the house, so now I have to eat a stick of butter. Dipped in Hershey cholcolate syrup.

    BTW, my deepest sympathy on the plumbing problems. At least…uh…at least it’s the kitchen at not a human this time? Sorry…there’s never a right thing to say at a time like this.

  • I’d hit that shit.

  • lizziepants

    brilliant slice of life bootiful Mama 😉

  • Oh. My. God. I have to go home and make that dessert RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!! Peanut butter, Nutella AND M&Ms…with cookies??? AND ice cream???? I’ve just wet my pants with joy 😉

    Oh, and chilldogg, only the USA has that many M&M colours – in Europe we only have 5. I was astounded when I went to Florida and saw the M&Ms shop. Not that I care, cos they’re down my throat and in my belly faster than I can see, LOL…

  • chilldogg

    f**k! why do you have so many M&M-colours? in germany we only have five boring ones..

  • I just showed this post to my boyfriend and the first thing he said was “Well, what did it taste like?”

  • drool…..

  • Melissa

    Those pictures made me smile for the first time in 2 days. You are truly a woman after my own heart and if my computer screen was edible, I would totally lick the bowl clean. I am sorry to hear about your plumbing troubles, but you’re right – things could be much worse.

  • Oooh look how America responds to a food post.

    I’m English – but a pig.

    It’s beautiful. It’s just so beautiful!

  • I am soooo hungry. Your sinful calorie cookie looks so delicious. Good thing I’m going to an all-you-can-eat&drink party tonight.

    hope the sewer thing works out!

  • sneelok

    The only thing missing is a large warm brownie.

  • You guys are all nucking futs. And I’m DRUNK. THANK GOD after the week I’ve had. Thanks for the laugh!

  • moonrattled

    Whipped cream on top would be a nice touch!

  • I knew I had to drop down here to visit the top personal blogger after I started out blogging recently. And what do I find here…my fave comfort food. BTW the M&Ms are a must!

  • stephenliveshere

    Long time lurker, first time commentor. Have loved your work for a long time, well since THAT entry (we all know which one!).
    I read about your plumbing woes – and my toothache and computer problems all dissappeared. (Wrote a post about it even!).
    And now I love your ‘short-term remedy’! It’s good to know that I am not the only thirty-something-year-old who loves peanut butter and/or nutella on yeast-based products. I am yet to try it on cookies. I have had tried worse concoctions in my time, so there is still a chance I could go a cookie like this.
    Thanks for being an reminder to a whole-generation of bloggers would love to go full-time in this field, but not at the expense of the day-job.

  • OOOHHHHHHHH! YUM! I could have used that taste of goodness when my plumber burned my house down! I guess it can always be worse. I think your yummy cookie goodnes can always make it better!

  • Burgie

    Hilarious! I am in the middle of studying for finals and just had a denial cookie sandwich myself. Did you ever go to Diddy Riese when you lived in LA? Or is that a purely student thing? They make lovely cookie/ice cream sandwiches for a buck. =)

  • That looks good and all, but personally I’d take the heroin. You know, if I wasn’t a recovering drug addict and all.

    The worst is over, hopefully it’ll go up from here 🙂

    Sending happy, joyful vibes ya’lls way!

  • Ooooh, that looks so good. I would definitely find that to be a cure for the “Fucked by Our Sewer Pipe Blues”

  • my child would like to get high with your child. eventually.

  • Around here, the drug of choice would be any variety of Ben & Jerry ice cream, a homemade B&J brownie, covered with homemade chocolate rum sauce (and not just *any* rum, but 140 proof from the Grand Caymans), and sprinkled with vicodin. Which I would totally share with you, because you’re Dooce.

    I’m so sorry you’re having plumbing problems 🙁

  • Can’t comment… just feel into diabetic coma…

  • spreadable crack? That’s too funny! hehe

    I love the pictures. you should write a children’s book. It will sell I promise.

  • Do you know that it looks so good that I had to go out and buy ice-cream and cookies? I have just eaten approximately 47,311 calories and IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!
    But it was delicious…mmmm.
    On a serious note, sincerely sorry to hear of your plumbing woes and I really hope that it will soon be mended.

  • Ryan

    I don’t think you have to worry about money… you have people donning T-shirts FOR you. Next will come lunch boxes, strollers, Congressman dolls. You’re sitting on a gold mine!

    You’ll be the Disneyland of webpages, where everyone has to get a souviener before returning home. Maybe you can sell some of your dirt pile in a little bottles as an “exotic location”?

  • Beachgal

    This post totally reminded me why I absolutely love your site. You just blow me away.

  • Amy

    Aww, now I want a cookie. SOOOOO BAAAAD.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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