This here bringer of the pooper to the fun party

How to medicate with legal substances

Last night after we received the final estimate on how much it’s going to cost us to replace the sewer line — more than our entire kitchen remodel — I called the neighbor who had deluded herself into thinking that Jon and I were going to a costume party as plumbers to give her the good news, that it’s no one’s problem but ours, and that she should know that whenever we’re invited to costume parties I always go as the girl who is there to drink all the alcohol. Jon likes to think of it more as the girl who get so drunk she ends up on the floor kissing your dog on the mouth costume.

Then we took inventory of just how much worse things could have been to make ourselves feel better. One, we caught the problem before the pipe backed up and filled our basement with sewage. Two, every member of the family is safe and healthy and cute especially Leta who yesterday in the middle of all this walked up to me, gave me a hug, and said, “Bootiful Mama.” Just for that the answer to every request she makes for the rest of her life is, “Yes, yes, yes, yes, and of course.” Three, my God, we are so lucky in so many ways. We have a roof over our head, family who loves us, access to medical care, and most importantly the food on hand to numb the pain, particularly the Oh My God Our Plumbing’s Fucked Cookie.

First, we started with a plain chocolate chip cookie that our friends Pat and Rebecca dropped off with a card that said, “So sorry about the troubles. Cookies sometimes help us.” This means that if something like this ever happens to them we’ll return he favor, except we’ll drop off some of our soothing heroin.

Two, we spread a layer of peanut butter on top because we ran out of spreadable cocaine.

Then we added a layer of Nutella (chocolate hazelnut spread) because we just burned a calorie when we spread the peanut butter and that was totally exhausting. MUST REPLENISH ENERGY RESERVES.

Next came another layer of peanut butter because the stress of the broken sewer line is compounded by anxiety over the fact that we are now one half-ounce closer to an empty jar of Nutella. This layer of peanut butter is the equivalent of 5 mg of Valium and a shot of vodka.

Then it was time to add another cookie to make a perfect denial cookie sandwich.

We placed the cookie sandwich into a bowl to begin the next phase of the project: What Else Do We Have in the Refrigerator?

Then we added a scoop of Cookies ‘N Cream ice cream so that the cookie sandwich wouldn’t feel so alone inside the bowl. We’re compassionate that way. And also very good at justification.

Next we sprinkled a handful of M&M’s on top to give it texture and flair, two very important qualities in a dessert interface. The only thing missing is a button that says, “Magnify to 500%.”

Finally, we poured caramel topping over the whole thing because of our ambitious nature. Why stop at a clogged artery when we could aim for something higher like adult onset diabetes?

  • That has got to bloody be the best feel better bowl of goodness I’ve ever seen. Good for you and enjoy!

    I hope things start to pick up and fall into place for your house.

  • Shelley Bonnechance

    I think it shows a measure of self-restraint not often seen in this naughty world that you were actually able to spread Nutella on something before consuming it. I usually just lick it right out of the jar like a dog. I’ve always been thankful that the container is too small to get stuck on my face.

  • well. a bad-ass cookie denouement. how did i find your site? ah yes: some friend insisted, probably sent the url. i have two kids. three and eleven months. was until recently a fantastic drunk; still quite enjoy the weekly binge over thai or fourteen dollar cab on the back deck. in fact, while aidan watches zaboomafoo, i just snuck off to smoke a jay in the half-packed junk room (we are moving to bainbridge island in a week, an act condoned, apparently, by money magazine, a bunch of white men i have no wish to know; but still) what? nicely done, dooce, and here we go spelunking.. . .

  • I think I’ve discovered my new breakfast food.

    Thanks!

  • So I’m thinking a dooce cookbook… the profits could go to your sewer line!

  • I want to be stuck in some major troubles just to justify eating one of those.

  • bicarbonat

    NUTELLA = MUCH LOVE. You people are savants.
    Calories…faugh! That’s what elliptical machines are for.

  • BURP. ahhhhhhhhh Brrmmmphhfff…. wooo eeee!!!!

  • lyssann

    Ahhh! your nutella cookies are evil I tell you! I had a crappy week (no where near as crappy as yours, just stressful) and your cookies made me go to the store and buy pre-made cookies and bake them. Oh, and twinkies, but I think that’s just b/c I was hungry at the store. ::shakes fist in rage:: But they were yummy anyway.

    Here’s to your next week being better! ::clinks cookies::

  • Julie B.

    Heather, I just read this and thought of you:

    http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/12424916/

    Now THAT would take one BIG ASS cookie.

  • Latch24

    Hi Heather! I have to commend you on the mixing of peanut butter and nutella, thats something I have to stop myself from doing because its just so yummy. Also, if you really want to drool you should check out this http://www.shauny.org/pussycat/2006/01/megatella.php
    I almost cried when I found out that I couldn’t get this in australia…

  • moonrattled

    That cookie could knock sense into Kellie Pickler.

  • I cringed reading about your plumbing woes. We live in a house that is close to 80yo, and we hold our breath, waiting for something major to blow on the damn thing.

    Dig in. The cookie-heroin was well earned.

  • babbling

    I take comfort in this fact. Leta is wayyyyyyyyy too smart. By the time she’s of college age, she’ll be running Armstrong Media. No college required. Voila, that’s a savings of like,,,,,oh I dunno by that time? 500,000 bucks or so, give or take the dorm and meals. Since you are saving on that, take heart in spending all of your savings on the pipes! by the way? maybe I’m just Captain Insaneo with a cape and all? but is it ok for someone other than the Armstrongs to use dooce to sell t-shirts?

  • nancy robbins

    Sorry about the expensive plumbing problems but you sure know how to cheer your self up with the most wonderful looking desert. I am going to try your recipe.
    thanks for the pounds, i’m sure going to enjoy them.
    Nancy

  • Manzabar

    Reminds me of a cookie recipe I whipped up during a particularly bad time in my high school years. Basically, you take the recipe off the back of the Nestle chocolate chips bag, double the amount of chocolate chips, add an equal amount of M&Ms and make 3 cookies. 🙂

  • Has anyone ever seen the Taco Town commericial on SNL? A friend of a friend made some of their “tacos” for his birthday. Click on the link to see the SNL clip followed by pictures of the birthday party.

  • Charlie

    Who needs Bobby Flay? Iron Chef has nothing on you guys. Except maybe more coke.

  • Damn. How can you eat this and look like you? I’m jealous. Ah, suddenly I long for the days when I was pregnant and ate nutella straight of the jar with a spoon. That was livin’.

  • You brilliant genius! That’s the most amazing sequence of photos I’ve ever seen. Funny and delicious!

  • Long live Nutella!

    You, foodie, you.

  • Hey Dooce,
    This is my personal recipe for such disasters:

    Hot Fudge Sauce
    1 1/2 C. chocolate chips (or caramels, or peanut butter chips…whatever flavor you want)
    2 2/3 C. canned milk (NOT sweetened condensed milk. just the regular evaporated)
    4 C. icing sugar (this is Canadian for powdered sugar)
    1/2 C. butter

    Melt in sauce pan over medium heat. Bring to a boil for 10 mins, occasionally stirring. Remove from heat and add 1/2 tsp. vanilla. Let cool. Keep refrigerated.

    It works best as medication when spooned straight from the jar to your mouth. For lesser emergencies, however, it can be served over icecream.

  • Y

    And here I was feeling guilty for eating spoonfuls of chocolate frosting. I feel better now.

    Better and also jealous because, man, I wish I had a cookie to go with the frosting.

  • Ah yes, this is known in our house as An Act Of Pudding.

  • la_florecita

    Wow, that’s awesome. I think I’ll make one too and name it the I Leave at 7am Tomorrow to Ride My Bike 186 Miles To Austin In The MS 150 Cookie.

    I have to carb up, right??

    p.s. Choice, I died laughing at your “lasagna stuffed in a burrito and battered and deep fried” thing!!

  • The worst is when you wait too long to eat a piece of cake the size of Detroit and you end up eating and crying at the same time. Very uncomfortable. I’ve found it’s best to always take precaution (as you did) and try to numb yourself before you can actually *feel* anything.
    (Deadlines, taxes, car trouble…I’m off to the donut shop as we speak).

  • ps. I love Heather’s comment above-
    “Oh My God Our Plumbing’s Fucked Cookies look suspiciously like Third Break-up This Year Cookies. ”

    I thought they looked a bit like “Oh My God My Dad Extended His 9-Day Visit To 22-Days Cookies”

  • Damn. I want to eat that whole bowl, even though I know my bloody intestines would fall out with its processed remains. Who cares? It’d be worth it…

  • lis

    Wait. It talked to you after all that, right? For real. I think that’s actually a chemical compound you composed in that bowl. The chemical compound for frankenstein cookie. Or possibly, Musical Theater cookie. It looks like a singing cookie, what with all the pretty colors.

    Mmmm. cookie.

  • desedays

    Am I the only one who finds humor that folks are calling a plumbing problem a “shitty situation”?

    Just me then? I’m lame.

  • …I’m so friggin’ hungry now.

  • In Bloom

    Ok, I have to know, did anyone actually eat this?!?

    Even pregnant this looks less than appetizing! Although what do I know, I eat white frosting out of the tub with a spoon!

    I admire your positive attitude about what all is happening … things are sorta going the same way for us and I have a hard time keeping that kind of attitude. I am in the “poor me” stages.

  • this is where we all agree to pay attention to the ads on your site and click on one that seems interesting. Yes, I think that’s a good idea.

  • Oh my god I need more insulin just reading this post!

  • momma 2 angels

    That cost seems inhumane. Once in a lifetime hopefully? The flix of the medicine are superb. If that bowl was prepared by two tons of fun it would look much different.

  • SLO_gator

    Try putting brownie mix in your waffle iron to add another tasty layer next time. Sooo good!!

  • wow. that is absolutely impressive.

    by the way, thought you guys would enjoy this article after what you’ve been going through:
    “House Blasted by 3,000 Gallons of Sewage”

    found here: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/news/archive/2006/04/21/national/a130527D12.DTL

  • And tomorrow on dooce, the zero-calorie-splenda version of the Oh My God Our Plumbing’s Fucked Cookie!

    (right? please? you will be showing us that next?)

  • I was just going to repeat the suggestion about calling the insurance, that Michelle up there already said…

    So instead: I’m glad I’m not the only one who uses cookies to numb the pain. Crack is just sparse these days. Heroin is over-done. Pot.. ugh.. just not my thing. Double chocolate milano…thank you pepperidge farm!

  • mamacita

    I am 12 weeks pregnant, and have no other sweets in the house other than an unopened tub of Betty Crocker frosting. Your pictures have triggered the craving switch in my brain, and I am now actually about to sit down with a spoon and the frosting and will gorge myself on creamy, sugary, vanilla goodness.

  • I’m thinking maybe you should register this idea, sell it, make loads of money (get the plumbing fixed) – who says no to comfort food these days? You should make the “oh my god i’m fucked” cookie, “oh my god i’m unemployed” cookie, “oh my god i’m flunking that class again” cookie, etc … There would be buyers! 🙂

  • joehoya3

    OMG…i thought I had made a wondrous 420 inspired sandwich (wheat bread, PB, and chocolate syrup, I called the Reese’s Sandwich…you guys totally crushed me with this masterpiece..shine on you crazy diamonds.

  • KenzieAnnabelle

    Orgasmic.

    I am impressed.

  • In my humble opinion, the only thing missing from the delectableness that you have created, is one thing that will get you (at least gets me) wired. A nice strong cup of coffee. Sugar, chocolate and caffiene. Of course, coffee is a sin but what the hell, eh?

  • Carli

    that is something totally baked-tacular. Better than pizza and Doritos. I will share with all my stoner buddies and be sure to give my newly adopted family memebers (the Armstrongs) all the credit. Sucks about the sewer system, but it could be worse. If you really hate it, move out all your super good stuff, then “accidentally” burn down your house. You keep the lot and build the house you really want, sans sewer issues. Leave it to an ex-insurance agent to suggest fraud. 🙂

  • Parisiens love Nutella! While on vacation in Paris the past two weeks, I consumed something like 3lbs of Nutella- it was on my ice cream, it was in my crepes, it was on my croissants, it was practically running out of my ears.

    Mmm… makes me want to run to Diddy Reese after work for an ice cream sammich.

  • How many of these babies do we need to ship out for World Peace?

  • Sweet Cracker Sandwich! I may cancel my wedding cake and serve The Plumbing Is Fucked Cookies instead.

  • kidsmom

    Of course, this is how I wound up weighing 120 pounds at 12 years old, but food is a great comforter.

    For me, it’s now a PB&J on an awesome raisin bagel.

    BTW, I got the weight thing under control.

  • aww, nutella. i only get to buy it when my nephew stays over night. because, you know, he’s only seven and good aunts buy nutella when their nephews stay over. also good thing: he usually has one sandwich for breakfast and maybe another teaspoon full just because which means i have to finish the rest because, you know, it may go bad until the next time he comes and we don’t wanna give bad food to nephew… hmmm. lecker 🙂