This here bringer of the pooper to the fun party

How to medicate with legal substances

Last night after we received the final estimate on how much it’s going to cost us to replace the sewer line — more than our entire kitchen remodel — I called the neighbor who had deluded herself into thinking that Jon and I were going to a costume party as plumbers to give her the good news, that it’s no one’s problem but ours, and that she should know that whenever we’re invited to costume parties I always go as the girl who is there to drink all the alcohol. Jon likes to think of it more as the girl who get so drunk she ends up on the floor kissing your dog on the mouth costume.

Then we took inventory of just how much worse things could have been to make ourselves feel better. One, we caught the problem before the pipe backed up and filled our basement with sewage. Two, every member of the family is safe and healthy and cute especially Leta who yesterday in the middle of all this walked up to me, gave me a hug, and said, “Bootiful Mama.” Just for that the answer to every request she makes for the rest of her life is, “Yes, yes, yes, yes, and of course.” Three, my God, we are so lucky in so many ways. We have a roof over our head, family who loves us, access to medical care, and most importantly the food on hand to numb the pain, particularly the Oh My God Our Plumbing’s Fucked Cookie.

First, we started with a plain chocolate chip cookie that our friends Pat and Rebecca dropped off with a card that said, “So sorry about the troubles. Cookies sometimes help us.” This means that if something like this ever happens to them we’ll return he favor, except we’ll drop off some of our soothing heroin.

Two, we spread a layer of peanut butter on top because we ran out of spreadable cocaine.

Then we added a layer of Nutella (chocolate hazelnut spread) because we just burned a calorie when we spread the peanut butter and that was totally exhausting. MUST REPLENISH ENERGY RESERVES.

Next came another layer of peanut butter because the stress of the broken sewer line is compounded by anxiety over the fact that we are now one half-ounce closer to an empty jar of Nutella. This layer of peanut butter is the equivalent of 5 mg of Valium and a shot of vodka.

Then it was time to add another cookie to make a perfect denial cookie sandwich.

We placed the cookie sandwich into a bowl to begin the next phase of the project: What Else Do We Have in the Refrigerator?

Then we added a scoop of Cookies ‘N Cream ice cream so that the cookie sandwich wouldn’t feel so alone inside the bowl. We’re compassionate that way. And also very good at justification.

Next we sprinkled a handful of M&M’s on top to give it texture and flair, two very important qualities in a dessert interface. The only thing missing is a button that says, “Magnify to 500%.”

Finally, we poured caramel topping over the whole thing because of our ambitious nature. Why stop at a clogged artery when we could aim for something higher like adult onset diabetes?

  • Top Chef here you come!

  • mmmmmmm…spreadable cocaine.

  • tk

    Damn Girl you know how to medicate with the REALLY good stuff. Makes me want to go make some chocolate chip cookies. Sure, maybe not quite as fun as the 2 Percocet and one Ativan I just took but those little pills have far fewer calories (and were consumed for completely valid reasons, not just for a good time). Not sure which is more successful at killing the pain. I think I might now experiment with some of the calorie laden goodies I have around the house.

    OK, back to my reading of James Frey’s “memoir” of addiction. Seriously, who really expected every single word in that book to be true? If he really did the kind of drugs and drinking he references he’s pretty lucky to put two coherent words together much less a whole book. Take it for what it is kids, a cautionary tale.

  • Now why haven’t I ever thought of that?

  • When my sister’s sewer line busted due to tree roots, the city had a special fund to assist citizens pay for repair or replacement. She lived in an older part of the city and it happened all of the time to those with older, ceramic lines. Of course, this was in Missouri, not Utah but you may want to look into it.

  • I can’t believe you have such a variety of treats in your home. All I can say is pure evil and why aren’t you hundreds of pounds? In my house that would be pure evil.

  • Man that looks good. Wash it down with an Ambien and some wine, and you’ll forget all about the plumbing!

  • Oh man. You are always awesome but this is SOOO funny. I love it. The descriptions are fabulous.

  • schadenfreudette

    i wonder if this delightful confection will remedy my malady, officially diagnosed as “mom-had-a-brain-aneurysm-kids-school-caught-on-fire-ex-husband-won’t-pay-child-support-car-about-to-be-repossesed-itis”

    i’ll let you know.

  • ashleigh

    I love Nutella! I discovered it when I spent 6 weeks in London in the summer of 2002 for a study abroad program. It’s the greatest!

  • nidea

    Yes, we did have the glorious joy of cleaning up raw sewage from where it spewed into the basement. And one of our housemates had giardia, a parasite passed on via feces. Joy, oh joy, and rubber gloves all around.

  • pcheng

    Did you all share the cookie? Or was this a single serving? It reminds me of the inside-out Reese’s cups with more peanut butter than chocolate. Let me just say you can never have too much chocolate.

  • Clairebell

    I KNEW nutella was good on everything. I am PMSing just enough to go home and try that tonight.

    But sometimes Nutella’s good right out of the jar, too. And sometimes I use a spoon instead of my finger.

  • Cardston

    It looks like it only weighs 6-8 ounces, but I bet if you eat it that you would put on 3 pounds.

  • I still don’t think there’s enough ice cream. You could always wrap the whole thing up in a crepe and deep fry it. I think I’m too hungry and pregnant for this thread.

  • Oh yeah… just the thing to show the 6 months pregnant lady…. I WANNA COOKIE!!!!

  • north

    Ok, so first, the person above who can send you “Super Dickmans” chocolate? HA! Dickmans! And I am truly surprised by the number of readers who know NOTHING about Nutella. What rock ya’ll been livin’ under?

    Back to what I was going to say: My father just left the country for a two month trip, and left me with a check to pay his bills while he is away. Within the first week this was nearly completely spent because he forgot that he had his sewer repaired THE WEEK BEFORE. I really think he’s losing it. I mean, it was a pretty major purchase. Whatever.

    Need a cookie now.

  • scargosun

    I am SO adding this to my dessert repertoire. I will call it Dooce’s Delight. I tried to think of something like Sewer Cookie but I don’t think it would fly with my guests. 😉

  • Rock on! But I’m thinking it’s self-medication like that which brought on John’s near root-canal. Still, I’d say it’s worth it.

  • The Blurbodoocery Tonic! I’d buy at least a case of them. Just a thought.

  • Karen

    I think the funniest thing about this is the google ad that shows up occasionally titled “Jif Desserts”

  • My version of “Bootiful Mama”:

    When my kids want something, I ask, “What do you say?”

    The appropriate response is: “You are smart and pretty and tall.”

    And then I give them whatever they want.

    Oh, and by the way, MMMMMMMMMMMMM. Nutella. Never even occured to me.

  • mediaguy74

    MMMMMM….. that looks good. Im having the same kind of week. Someone put out a memo and didnt tell me it was “shi* on me week!”

    Its days like this I wish I wasnt allergic to flour products. I could use some cookies and ice cream right now. However if I werent, I would resemble the stay puft marshmallow man.

    Next week will be better!

  • gidge

    seriously can’t believe you left out whip cream. basics people, let’s not forget the basics.

  • dude, is does that cookie have WEED in it?

    if so, that there is the most perfectest motherfucking cookie in the universe. like, wow.

    [beat]

    uhh… what was i saying?

  • officerlove

    This is my first comment in about 1 year of reading, but…. you had me at hello! That thing is amazing. I will keep my fingers crossed for your plumbing disaster to go smoothly.

  • That sounds and looks fantastic. I’m so sorry to hear about the cost of the new sewer line.

  • sketchy

    Two more scoops of ice cream plus a Mountain Dew and it would be perfect.

  • See, lemonade out of lemons … or herion out of poppies. Either way …

  • Taegan7879

    If you want some real good shit.. let me know 🙂 I’ll send you some KICK ASS German chocolates, candy and my favorite… Super Dickmans. God, I love living in Germany! I’m gonna miss this place when we leave.

  • Hahahhahahahhahahahaha……

  • marci

    mmm, Nutella… the world’s perfect food. Your neighbors obviously didn’t know what they were starting.

  • sasha

    Thanks for the reminder that there’s nothing Nutella can’t fix.

  • That cookie with the open mouth just spoke to me, so I’m going to go try to make my own version for, er, lunch.

  • The Bold Soul

    Thank you, thank you, Jon and Heather… for making me feel SO much better about having legally-medicated myself with jumbo-sized wholesale store cookies which are each the equivalent of 6 points on the Weight Watchers plan. Which I am supposed to be ON but after 4 weeks of sticking to the program like glue I lost a total of 3.8 pounds. This frustrates me so badly I naturally did the worst thing possible and went for the big tub o cookies. And ate about 6 of them yesterday in place of a healthy balanced dinner. Glad to know I’m not the only one. And sorry to hear about that nasty sewer repair job. Sometimes life just isn’t fair, is it?

    Hmmm… we have some peanut butter AND some Nutella in the house. Bet that would taste pretty damn good on one of these jumbo brownie-cookies…

  • Oh. My. Word.
    I’m in the middle of finals week at university, and one of these is just what I need to save my 4.0 and keep from going insane. Good job.

  • Wordyeti

    I found much humor in the fact that your contextual ads showed the DIY network next to Get Your Mamacita On. Also something about a plow.

    I have gone through this twice, although not to the extent that you have. Tree roots, they love that yummy sewage. In TreeWorld, your sewage pipe = that cookie.

    [The preceding gross-out was done in an effort to stem the flow of your readers to Lane Bryant and their need for the special high-capacity scale (http://www.quickmedical.com/high_capacity_scales/qm6600.html) which is what you need when you start pushing 6 bills.]

  • stepblog

    Mmmmmm, Nutella. I know a woman who grew up in E. Germany, pre-reunification. Her family’s relatives in the West used to send them care packages of treats unavailable on their side of the wall. One day such a package arrived and my friend, who was just a little kid at the time,snuck the jar of Nutella out, hid in a closet, and ate the whole thing. Her family was completely horrified at her selfishness as rights to the jar had been already been partitioned out amongst family members–she was grounded, shamed, etc. To this day she says she would do it again.

  • rockr girl

    the cookies w/ PB and Nutella is BRILLIANT!
    i agree, i could use more ice cream. and i would have had to include some of that kickin aerosol whipped cream, if at all possible.

    however, regardless, my stomach wants to have a food orgy at YOUR house. the Romans were sooooo right about food…

  • erthsister

    Now that I’ve stopped laughing long enough to catch my breath… it occurs to me to worry about the old sewage pipe running through our basement (where way too many things are stored) and past the maple tree. Is THAT what so many neighbors have been escavating recently in their front yards?

    aah, great. /stuffing cookie in mouth to stifle shiver of dread/

    I think Nutella stock just shot up.

  • jes

    this is the part where I decide whether I’ll be totally anal and correct my earlier comment #106.

    the last sentence SHOULD HAVE read:

    but i can’t promise i’ll be very quiet, ESPECIALLY if the sewer ever did back up into the basement.

  • You realize, of course, that the calories you take in consuming such a soothing concoction were pre-burned by all the stress you endured.

  • Nichole

    That’s a fine representation of Items I Can’t Keep In My House Because I Will Eat Them All And Then My Pants Won’t Fit. Especially the Nutella. And M&Ms. I’d never thought about putting them together. Thanks so much for planting that idea in my head.

  • You didn’t use nearly enough ice cream. And, I have never even heard of nutella! I think I’ve been seriously deprived.

  • I usually keep a special pint of Ben & Jerry’s in the freezer for emergency medication of this sort. Everyone I have lived with since college (that’s three different sets of roommates) has been instructed that they are not, under penalty of death, to eat, look at, or even think about eating my Emergency Ice Cream. I think I’ll have to remember the “What Else Have We Got in the Refrigerator?” phase for the future, though. Some emergencies just call for it, especially when I’ve broken the EIC for things as trivial as “Dear gods it’s so cold outside the thermostat can’t keep up”.

  • jacks

    I TOTALLY want one. Wow. Forget dinner, this is what my husband and I are having tonight!!

  • kathrynaz

    Hey wait, cookies and cream ice cream is served as a complement to the OMG Our Plumbing is Fucked cookie? Are you sure that’s kosher? Doesn’t this violate the boiling the calf in its mothers milk principle?….

  • LMAO!! My tongue got stuck to the roof of my mouth just looking at that cookie! That dessert should be declared illegal in several states!

  • jes

    at first, i was grossed out by the peanut butter on the cookie. and then, my God, the NUTELLA. and then more PB! and i was thinking, CAN YOU NOT JUST LEAVE THE PERFECTION OF COOKIES ALONE?

    and then you added the other cookie on top, and suddenly it was a sandwich and not a tostada, and the world seemed all right again.

    and then, the ice cream. i’m totally moving in next door.

    and then, the letter that comes after L – ampersand – the letter that comes after L.

    AND THEN, THE CARAMEL.

    and now I want to know, will your family marry me? i promise that i’ll live in your basement, and i promise i will behave and walk Chuck everyday and cook you gourmet meals. and can’t promise i’ll be very quiet, ESPECIALLY if the sewer ever did back up into the basement.

  • That is the most delicious-looking concoction I have ever seen in my whole life. That is the food equivalent of Jude Law. Bravo.