This here bringer of the pooper to the fun party

Exclamation point, Summer Edition

A couple days ago I got this very funny email from a reader, Laureen:

I’m not one for commenting on posts but I just had to ask. . .how is it that the husband of the daughter of the Avon World Sales Leader may have the West Nile Virus? Don’t you have enough Skin So Soft at your disposal to kill a small horse, let alone repel one renegade mosquito?

Good point! Turns out Jon doesn’t have West Nile, according to the blood tests. Whew, right? AT LEAST THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN AN EXPLANATION. He has been in bed for seven days now, has had a constant migraine headache, backache, fever, and chills. And yet, YET! There is indeed a yet! The man cannot stop groping me. He is so sick that he can’t stand up for 20 seconds without needing to barf, but he can summon the strength to grab my butt inappropriately. If he dies before I do, I can guarantee that while I’m saying my goodbyes over his coffin he will reach up his embalmed arms and squeeze my boobs.

It’s been a long, tough week, and I thought it might be time to feature another hand-picked selection of some of the world’s most condescending hatemail. Because there’s nothing quite as fun as going back to read the email equivalent of hammering nails into your forehead.

Let’s start with this one from Anonymous Chicken Liver:

Jon needs to get a real job again, and you need to be a real mom and raise your child without letting Jon and the babysitter, and family do it. do you even know how to, most importantly do you want to? You know you have NO idea what it means to be a stay home full time mommy. you’ve had so much help and people step in when you failed you missed so much of what your daughter had to give.

Maybe the reason people told you to quit whining is, It’s all all YOU. You need meds for this, you’re a loon, and you go to the physo ward, you blah, blah, blah. You know you have so many people kiss your ass you wouldn’t know how to live without that kind of praise. If these people heard an everyday mother say how she couldn’t wait for the next ten minutes to be over, how her own child drove her nuts and she didn’t want to be around her. they would think horrible mean things about you. But because of blog celebrity they kiss your ass and hope you’ll come to their blog. You have Cancer and it’s sucks, my mother is 62 with four children and 11 grandchildren and she had Lung Cancer–she loves and raised us without my father who worked full time, without the help of others. She hasn’t even shared it beyond the walls of our home. You need and want the sympathy. Good god, Heather grow the fuck up already.

Don’t have more children; poor Leta is trying to figure out who’s the mommy, Jon or the babysitter. Get another dog, they only live for about 15 years and wont pass along on things you’ve done to them to screw them up.

Oh, HI! Sorry. I fell asleep after the first paragraph. Nothing quite as thrilling as a long-winded hatemailer. They are so much more fun to read when brief and full of eye-catching punctuation. Like this one from Ronald:

You dog is STUPID!!!!!!!

That’s a thoughtful critique, Ronald. The only adequate response to this would be: So is you mom!!!!!!!

Next up is one from Mia, a repeat hatemailer:

I mean really, do you have anything better to do with YOUR life than write about your dog licking plates and your husbands shoes? While I understand that cancer is scary (I’m 24 and had to have an ovary and a tumor the size of a grapefruit ON IT removed), you really cannot be suprised that people are a little put off by your tiny bit of “over drama” about a spot of skin cancer. I just think it’s silly that you are saying others have no life, when your life is (other than family, which we all have) writing a blog. Look at things from someone else’s point of view.

My only question is, why did she capitalize ON IT? Was that really necessary? The next time I want to scare the shit out of Jon I’m going to sneak up behind him while he’s changing clothes, poke my finger in his butt and say, “Grapefruit ON IT!”

This next one is from CB, also a repeat hatemailer:

Stop playing the cancer card, Heather. It was okay in that first long post about it. But how stupid of you to mention it in the same sentence as your husband’s clogs. You have no idea what it’s like to really have cancer. Your bump on your arm could be serious, but chances are it’s not. You’re going too far for the sake of having something interesting to say. Shameful, Heather.

Where have I heard that before? Shameful, shameful… let me see… oh, I remember! IN THE LAST 75 EMAILS SHE HAS SENT ME.

Here’s one from Tara:

You are not different then anyone else.
Maybe you doing better because you have a caring husband and a fruitful life style.
Why are you asking for money for doing what you do?
Why can’t I learn from your doings?

KIND REGARDS “‘ In sarcastic voice to myself”

Something tells me Tara doesn’t speak English as a first language.

This next one has to be one of my favorite hatemails ever, from Janet:

How dare you encourage people to help treat stress in their live with a desert? Do you not see how this is how America gets fat? They eat to make themselve feel better, and they gain wait. It’s not healthy, not at all.

I assume she’s referring to this post. I see a masthead in my near future: dooce, leading cause of obesity in America.

Or how about one from repeat hatemailer, Robert:

Have you ever thought about renaming your site to AllAboutLeta.com? At least that would be a more accurate reflection of the subject matter of your web site. I check in, once in a blue moon, to see if you have written anything that would be interesting to someone who isn’t raising a two year old. Your universe seems very, very small.

Once in awhile, you should just climb out of that rut and write about things beyond Leta, your perfect mom, the degenerate Mormons, and the like. There is a big world out here.

As an American I have a God-given right to believe that the world doesn’t extend beyond my living room. That goes hand-in-hand with my right to buy a semi-automatic gun on sale at Wal-Mart.

This next one is from Bill:

If I have to see another “Mom says something witty to their kid” journal, I’ll probably hit myself in the stomach until I vomit my Capri Sun and ranch-flavored rice cakes all over my monitor.

Hookers are a dime a dozen, but mommy attention whore sites are a penny a truck load. You could do the world a favor and delete your site to make room for more interesting mommy blogs such as: www.ibeatmykidswithaspoon.com or www.trainingmykidsforslavelabor.net or even www.whogivesashitaboutmykidsexceptme.cc. It might sound horrible, but much like the body of a motorcyclist wrapped around a telephone pole after he hit it at 90MPH, you just can’t help but stop and appreciate it.

In closing, please get off the Internet.

I was thinking more along the lines of www.BillNeedsAGoodOneUpThePooper.net.

Reader, Brooklyn, has some burning complaints:

I previously delighted in reading your blog for your motherhood opinions and discussions of real issues, but now it’s like who gives a fuck about the fact that boo hoo you have to have your sewer line replaced….please find the life you once had that had a more global outlook. I now check in occasionally to see your photos, which for the most part I believe are interesting photos taken by a talented woman. Please make an effort to make your writing the same. Oh, and for fucks sake, please move on…Chuck Fridays are miserably old…find a new theme. Perhaps you find your dog infinitely interesting, but the rest of us would like to see more photos that extend past your home and backyard.

Brooklyn, just for you, here is a picture of my dog in my backyard:

And another one from Mia:

Your site is boring now. You used to have so much to talk about, but in recent months, that has obviously dwindled. If you were writing this blog PURELY for yourself, you could say “Screw you, it’s for me”. But with the 272937 ads on the page, it’s easy to see it’s a site you’re using to make money. So please, do something for your audience, and write something a bit more thought provoking than how much your dog likes pizza and how you feed your child mostly chocolate. I suspect the reason people continue to visit dooce.com is to see if MAYBE you’ve gone back to your old self. Just like no one cares about a wedding except for the bride, no one cares about a kid, unless it’s theirs.

Whoa, wait a minute. Almost three hundred thousand ad units? I need to talk to my ad network. You’re only supposed to see a couple of graphic ads! Try emptying your cache, Mia. Or maybe? Maybe you should get up slowly and walk away from your computer. Into the loving arms of oncoming traffic.

  • Man, that was some hot throbbing hate email action. I think I’ll have a cigarette. And I don’t even smoke.

  • RS

    Dear Hate Mailers:

    All you’ve proven is the pathos of your unfulfilling lives. If you hate Dooce, go read something else.

    Best regards,
    Nobody Cares About You

  • Darlin’

    “How dare you encourage people to help treat stress in their live with a desert? Do you not see how this is how America gets fat?”

    Yeah! Everyone knows deserts make people fat. All that sand and cactus make me bloat and eat cake. We need to ban deserts in our schools- I don’t want my kid catchin’ any fattness that is going around.

  • Wow! These ARE hateful. The bad juju just hops off the page. I need a shower. You are lovely… and they are gross cancerous grapefruits!

  • MommyofOne

    Good grief. So don’t read this website if you don’t like what Heather has to say. How hard is that?

    I dig your blog Heather. Love your writing style, love your candor, love it. Thank you for continuing to write despite what the bastards say.

    I hope Jon feels better very very soon.

  • Lolajb

    What I find more scary (if that is at all possible!) than the fact that these people have so much anger towards someone they’ve never met, is the fact that they would take the time to write to you and tell you about it!!!
    I THOROUGHLY enjoy Dooce.com and visit it everyday but there are lots of sites I don’t visit because I DON’T LIKE THEM!! So I suggest these people do the same.
    ugh.
    Heather, ignore these ass hats and carry on.
    These people are the reason that the world is in such a hateful and precarious state right now.
    p.s. like my emphatic use of CAPS? I felt they were warranted here. 🙂

  • ourfinestyear

    You seriously get hate mail like this? My question is, whyyyyy why why visit a site if all you’re going to do is complain about it? Honestly, some people are idiots. I love your blog, and I wouldn’t rather read about anything else other than Chuck, Leta, and Jon’s Clogs.

  • Funny, I always treat stress in my life with a desert. I like the Sahara, usually, but sometimes the Gobi does the trick.

  • wendyboswell

    Heather is much more gentle than I would’ve been. I believe that there are two words that sum up my reaction to all these poo poo heads:

    “Bite Me.

    Oh, and P.S., you hate-mongering asshat – thanks for reading! You just drove up my CPM and paid for my dog to have his own sauna!”

  • Oh Grace, thanks for reminding me I quit 4 days ago. Fuck. (I love you Grace – but still….you’re killing me)

    Heather – those emails are shameful. Shameful shameful shameful. Some people’s kids.

    The Heather-Hate-Train needs to crash. With all these people ON IT.

  • I can’t believe people take the time to send you emails telling you what or what not to write on your own site. Sheesh! The nerve.

  • Oh and I almost forgot: I hope Clog-Boy feels better. Stat.

  • I find it interesting that the urge to write hate mail to strangers on the internet is in direct relation to the inability to spell and/or form clear sentences with proper grammar and punctuation.

  • Miss Pants

    Jesus Christ, people are ASSHOLES. They wouldn’t continue to shovel food into their mouth’s they didn’t like so why do they continue to read content that offends them?

  • Wow. Idiots. You have to pity them in a way — I mean, they are so utterly pathetic. They could choose to not do the obvious (visit Dooce.com) but instead they must make their vile little lives better by treating a perfect stranger like dirt. Great virtue to have. Hope they’re proud.

  • I LOVE YOUR BLOG!
    What on earth kind of lives are these people leading who send you hatemail and then *keep reading your blog*!?!?! I assume someone is forcing them at gunpoint to continue to check in every day? That must be it.

    And you know, the only reason I’m commenting is ’cause I really, really, really, really, really want you to visit MY blog! Bwaahahahahahahahaha!!!!

  • scargosun

    It totally cracks me up that people are this angry about a blog. It is also VERY funny that someone would mention that talking about everyday stuff (child, dog, sewer) is somehow boring or not useful. I don’t get it. I get something useful out of just about every post.
    1. Don’t flush a towel down the sewer
    2. If a towel does get flushed, have the sewer work done while on vaca.
    3. It’s ok to love your child but not be crazy about other people’s kids.
    4. Threadless tees
    5. YouTube
    I could go on but I think I might offend the hate mailers. 😉

  • I definitely think that your PERSONAL blog’s content should revolve around what the readers want.
    Oh, and when a life altering thing like, oh I don’t know, having a child, or being diagnosed with skin cancer happens, you should definitely NOT write about it.

    You are here for our entertainment.

    DANCE WOMAN! DANCE!

  • lindsayc

    Holy moly. I can’t believe that so many people would take the time to write you hate mail! I love your writing, you have a unique voice that I really enjoy. Just wanted to spread some love around to counter act the hate.

  • ealasaid

    Hey Heather,
    I have been peeking in here and there for about 3 months now, and I don’t find you boring at all. I am a recovered Catholic, and have recovering Morman friends, I am also raising a 18 month old- so I find your site refreshing and honest. Thank you.

    I dont understand where all the hate is coming from. I bet they get road rage something fierce.

  • Dogmom

    Great post today, Heather. Personally I would miss Chuck Fridays terribly if you changed it, and I so enjoy your perspective on raising kids and sick husbands and sewers and everything else. Along with the newspapers I read and the novels and the TV shows and the people in my life… your blog adds dimension and perspective and humor to my life. And, hatemailers, you know what? If this site bores you and pushes your so-near-the surface buttons, DON’T READ IT! Go to paininthebutt.com or peddle your crap somewhere else. My God, who cares what you think.

  • NellaBella

    Dear Heather,

    I just wanted you to know that I think it is absolutely shamefully disgusting that you have done this to me! I like quirky wife-humor on Fridays and hatemail on Wednesdays. Filthy slut.

    I don’t understand why you feel justified in not fulfilling my requests- I mean I stumbled upon YOUR blog, which I assume you started for your own amusement. Simply because so many people came to see what was so great about you and stayed doesn’t mean you get to put ads on your site! Don’t you realize that the moment I got here it became about my preferences? I don’t care that you’ve grown and your life is different than it was a while back- you are my entertainment and entertainment is supposed to be static.

    Now get back to being depressed and the lone adult in the house so I can see some real humor- BITCH!

  • Exactly. If you don’t like it, don’t read it. My next-door neighbors can be irritating but I don’t further my frustration by hiding in their bushes and peering in their windows… And why tell someone to get off the internet? If it’s so hide-chapping to know that people you don’t necessarily like exist, then how much medication do YOU need to be on, people?

  • Brin

    I’m so sickened by these silly, small people that *I* can barely finish *my* delicious Capri Sun and ranch flavoured rice cakes. Wait, is it 1993?

    Ms. Armstrong, you are a delight. And for the record, I’ll argue that Chuck should have his own blog.

    Halifax loves dooce!

  • kirgrowl

    Hi Heather,
    To all the hatemailers, esp. Mia. I didn’t start reading your blog until about a year ago. After LA, after Jon, after Leta being born and after your PPD. And I loved it and I love it still. And I am only 22 with no kids and living NY with minimal contact with Mormons. So regardless that I don’t fit into what others would call, your mothers only “demographic”, your writing still gets a great response from me. Its nice to see someone enjoying life with her husband, their child and their family and I only hope I get to have as fruitful a life someday. 😀

  • dang homey.

  • Adriane

    You are awesome. I stubbled on your site through someone else’s favorite sites and just about everyday while at work (shhhhh!) I read up a little! Let me tell you, you are a normal mother (not really but humor me) you love you child. Jeez people leave her alone. Your life is your life and you just so happen to share it if they dont want to read it DONT READ IT. Dont visit. These are the people when they turn 60 that are in the grocery store and sit there and dont understand why they cant buy all 50 items in the express lane and throw a fit because it stupid. They will be those unhappy old people that scream at children and so forth. Oh yea skin so soft….totally doesnt work for mosquitos my son is so allergic to them and he went with my mother and she refuses to use anything but skin so soft and well lets just say he got a bite on his face (this was years ago) and ended up at the hospital because he looked like elephant boy!

  • Nancy

    The hate-mailers, I think they’re jealous. You have a good husband, beautiful daughter, fun extended family and your blog is entertaining. My 12 yr old daughter and I adore Leta and Chuck. Although I thought of you instantly the other day when we were school shopping and came across a shirt that said “I don’t care about your blog.” Not that I don’t care about your blog, the shirt was just funny.

  • mossage

    Sorry to hear Jon isn’t feeling well… keep us updated please on what happens.

  • Jbanana39

    The hate letter that ticked me off was where Tara said, “You are not different then anyone else.” (I won’t comment on spelling error)

    Isn’t that why we all love Dooce? It’s because she’s just like us in all the ways that matter. Her individuality is nice too, but it’s the way we see ourselves in her posts that make this site great. Pure honesty combined with humor. Gotta love it.

  • People are crazy motherfuckers. I’m 23, I live in a city – no husband, no baby, no backyard, no sewar line – and at least half of the blogs I read are by parents. Baby pictures make my day. And honestly, I know this sounds crazy, but there’s actually stuff to learn from what you write. I actually feel like I’m better equipped to be a parent some day because I’m reading smart, honest (read: scarcastic) people writing about their lives. But then I also just like that you’re mean. In the best possible way.

  • AW

    Dooce, you’re brillant!

  • Dogmom

    All right, NellaBella! If I had a sense of humor, I would have said just what you said! Heather is such a filthy-slut-bitch. How dare she write on her very own site what interests HER!!!!! Man, if I could go to absolutely any website in the world, it wouldn’t be hers. She bores me so that I have to check in several times a day every day just to see if she’s written something that DOESN’T bore me. Sheesh. And my dog’s much cuter than hers.

  • lap

    You know what though? Justin Timberlake loves you- especially whenever you post a movie starring Chuck! Oh wait. That’s me. My kids are also huge Leta fans although they think of her as “cutiebloggirl”. No wait. That’s Cameron Diaz. Oh bother.

  • NuttyDutty

    My new favorite line, “Into the loving arms of oncoming traffic.”

    I vow that all loyal Dooce readers use this phrase at least once in the next 5 days!

  • these are — as always — fabulous.

    you know, you need to create a spin-off Dooce-Mail site, and just post these, and then let everybody go nuts on them — in either direction, i.e. – “if you don’t like Heather stop reading her” VS “stop making America fat you self-absorbed making-fun-of-cancer sellout”.

    it’ll be great. (it’ll also be “BLOGGING MEETS REALITY TV!!!” …or “WEB 2.0 MEETS JERRY SPRINGER!!!”)

    and just think how much you’d make on ads.

  • The best thing about all these? If they really don’t like it? They should stop visiting your site. How boring must their lives be that this is what they choose to spend their time on, since they admittedly don’t like your site? Sheesh!

  • Tee hee.
    You are the best retort-er EVER.
    I think the evolution has been gorgeous. The haters are just that…if you don’t like the blog DON’T READ IT christ.
    Again, as always, thanks for sharing your life. It helps people out. Promise.
    xo
    knn

  • Abra Cat

    And yet, they keep on reading… Oh, and Bill, if you’re still out there (and of course you are)– where can I buy ranch-flavored rice cakes? My kids would be all over them.

  • leaseuhd

    I think the craziest suggestion by these numb-nuts – “Chuck Fridays are miserably old…find a new theme.” -is absolutely ridiculous. What would we do without Chuck Friday’s?

    And I am always amazed by people who read things just to gripe about it, just as i am astounded by people who try to censor things they haven’t read or seen themselves.

    Keep writing about your life, Heather, it helps some of us get a better handle on our own.

  • My Mother wasn’t wise but one of the best things she ever said to me was, “fuck em if they can’t take a joke.”

    It has served me well, feel free to use it whenever you get one of these emails.
    Good god people, put your energy into something useful.

  • aubriane

    How wonderfully amusing that so many hate-mailers are so mentally deficient.
    Maybe that says something.
    Now I can say “grapefruit ON IT… of FRANCE!!!!”
    Keep writing about Chuck, Leta, and food; deserts shouldn’t be the only thing in my live.

  • As my mom would say “they’re just jealous cos your prettier than they are.”

    Which is a given being who your mom is.

  • Carabnz

    I love it when you post your hatemail. Really, this is the most important thing these people will do today, blast your perfectly cool website for being honest and real. Oh, and by the way…MY cancer is more cancerous than YOUR cancer.

  • My Mother wasn’t wise but one of the best things she ever said to me was, “fuck em if they can’t take a joke.”

    It has served me well, feel free to use it whenever you get one of these emails.
    Good god people, put your energy into something useful.

  • leaseuhd

    I think the craziest suggestion by these numb-nuts – “Chuck Fridays are miserably old…find a new theme.” -is absolutely ridiculous. What would we do without Chuck Friday’s?

    And I am always amazed by people who read things just to gripe about it, just as i am astounded by people who try to censor things they haven’t read or seen themselves.

    Keep writing about your life, Heather, it helps some of us get a better handle on our own.

  • Lori

    Wow! I’m a supporter too. I love your blog and think you are a great writer and a great mom too! It amazes me that the hate-mailers really think they are going to make a difference. I’m sorry they have such miserable lives. Keep up the great work and never stop writing about your life. Leta is going to treasure all this one day!

  • turbulentflow

    Wow, it really is incredible to see how opinionated people can be about someone else’s life. If they know so much about what makes a good blog, why don’t they just go do it themselves instead of complaining that you are somehow not doing it right.

    Of course, now that you’ve revealed their small mindedness I’m sure they will just send you more hateful emails about how you went looking for sympathy… you just can’t win with people like that.

    I love your site – it’s as popular as it is for a reason. Keep up the good work.

  • cinlouhoo

    Seriously.

    I have the same response when I read these that I have when I watch the Dateline Investigations reports about online jack noses that think they’re meeting up with a 13 year old name Mindy and instead they’re met with a room of cameras and the reporter with funny hair.

    I. Can’t. Believe. There. Are. People. Actually. Like. This. In. The. World.

    Call me stupid. But I honestly have a hard time believing these people actually exist. I can’t swallow that there are humans walking this earth that are that disgusting, evil, fucked-up, and just plain clueless.

    Fuck’em. And thank you. As much hate as you get thrown at you – I hope you feel thousands of times more love and respect.

    Keep going. Keep doing. Keep making fun of them.

    (And p.s. a big thank you to 2 of the other commenters for my new favorite word – Ass Hat.)

  • Lori

    Wow! I’m a supporter too. I love your blog and think you are a great writer and a great mom too! It amazes me that the hate-mailers really think they are going to make a difference. I’m sorry they have such miserable lives. Keep up the great work and never stop writing about your life. Leta is going to treasure all this one day!