Playful, elegant, and not above the judicious use of the word “shit."

Rumbling volcano

I have many things that I want to say, things I want to talk about, have wanted to talk about for months, and I’m trying to figure out where to begin. A part of me is afraid that if I start talking I will not stop, because I have been bottling it up for so long and the pressure is strong enough to blow my ears off my head. When that happens I will be sure to catch it all on video so you can watch the gore unfold in slow motion.

Today I’m just going to say thank you for the kind email and the words of encouragement. I have read all of it, and I’m not sure there is any possible way to respond to all of it.

Sometimes the Internet can be so dumb that it makes you want to carve your brain out with a ladle:

“found you blog today and its total shit!!!! loser!!!!”

Such things make me grieve for America.

Other times you realize that your life is made so much better and brighter by the Internet:

“Why is it so (strangely) interesting to read someone else’s grocery receipt? And is it a Utah thing to call them ‘sunflower nuts’? They are SEEDS, dammit. An assumption on my part: perhaps Mormons can’t call them seeds because that is the germinating SEX part of a plant and what a scorching sin to put SEX parts in your mouth.”

The latter, fortunately, far outweighs the former, and the support I’ve read in my inbox over the last few days is a perfect example of one of those instances. Thank you for sending me your optimism. And also for sharing your well-founded assumptions about the Mormons. The one about how they sacrifice puppies in the temple? Totally true.

To show my gratitude I’ve put together a short video of that which keeps me from jumping off the roof of the house, although there are times when the argument could be made that it is she who would drive me to climb up there in the first place. Yesterday Leta and Jon were playing hide and seek and I was able to catch a small sequence in which she ran toward me with her funny toddler waddle, and as gross as this sounds, and as mad as I will be at myself later for writing this, I watch this and I know everything is going to be okay.

Or at least it will be after I smack a few pedestrians with my car. That would feel better than Prozac.

Launch video (4 MB Quicktime file)

Soundtrack is “Emotion 98.6” by Mylo.

  • I just want to say, I *heart* you guys. I enjoy each vignette of life at the house of Dooce and Blurb. I look forward to each photograph, and feel inspired to do more with my camera and look at all the mundane aspects of my life with a more artistic eye.

    I am sorry to read that you are going through a rough spot, Heather. Is there anything your readers can do for you.

  • you are not alone, Heather. You have a wonderful family to help you through, you are in my thoughts.
    Leta is the coolest kid ever!

  • SurprisingWoman

    How lovely. My daughter sent me a video on her phone of my grandbaby, being held by her daddy after her bath, laughing so hard she gets a hitch in her voice.

    There is nothing better than the laughter of a child.

    Feel better soon, Heather. We are all pulling for you.

    Brenda K.

  • cate

    Then again….who needs us when you have BOUNCING PONYTAILS!?

  • cate

    I must have clicked this bookmark six hundred times a day since the post saying that you felt yourself being gripped by depression again.

    I’m sure I was not alone. Hold onto the power of so many many people wanting you to kick this shit in the teeth.

    “I know everything is going to be okay.”

    So do all of us. hang in hang on and hug that baby girl.

    (BTW, if they are ona bike? 30 points)

  • Thanks for the video Heather! She’s so cute. 🙂

    What is going on in that person’s life that makes them so upset about whether you call them nuts or seeds?! Honestly! Someone pissed in his Cheerio’s, or maybe he’s just all hyped up on caffeine. I can’t think of another explanation.

    Good luck with everything, and feel free to unload all your thoughts. 🙂

  • Yep. You will hang in there and beat the shit out of this disease because of her. I’m glad you have her, and I’m glad you have Jon. I know that it’s hard to remember that the hopelessness doesn’t last forever, because I’m there now too, but I know and you know that things can get bright again. Well, I know that it can get better for you, anyway. In the meantime, live for the small stuff, like stories about scary Mormon temple rituals. My cousin was just married for time and all eternity in the temple, and my grandmother was “sealed” to my dead (Baptist!) grandfather, with a male cousin standing in for him. Yikes!

  • Trinity

    That is so beautiful. It is similar moments like that, that keep ME going.

    Keep looking at your inspirations, at your child & husband, and you will come out in the sunshine in the end.

  • keagansmom

    Heather,
    I for one would LOVE to see someones,ANYONES, head explode! (i’m sick that way). Please don’t think you are alone in this, for what it’s worth we all care about you.I don’t go one day without checking your blog at least 3 times to see if there is a new picture, post, or link. You make me laugh (or cry) on my most stressful days. My depression has also been rearing its ugly head of late and I’m not sure why (besides the fact that my son’s medical condition has left us sooo far in debt I’m gonna start selling my organs!)
    You have a beautiful family who love you, that is all that matters. Vent away; we will all listen without judgement.
    xoxo, a bottle of Zoloft and a bottle of gin,
    Kel

  • EOMama

    Heather, I just have to let you know how much I enjoy your blog. I am admittedly late to the game, having only found your site in the last year, but better late than never…

    Your writing SPEAKS to me, sister. From one Mama to another, let me say this:

    I hear you. I feel you. Your honesty and courage heal me. Thank you for being a Warrior Mama and speaking the truth – the hilarious, gut-wrenching, joyful, soul-crushing and very human truth about Motherhood. Know that I too have walked through the dark tunnel, and like you, I am still here.

  • Nifle

    Thank you for sharing with us your life in open honesty. To say this too shall pass is too simple. Too many times we brush over depression because we can’t associate with the person in it’s perils. You deserve happiness, Heather. Remember that.

  • When I see that I can’t believe we all wondered if she’d ever walk….
    Take it easy Heather, we all need to back away from the Internet from time to time.

  • Quixar

    Another long time reader, first time poster:
    Heather,

    I’m just coming out of a nastiest and longest spell of depression to date. My friend told me something that sorta stuck in my head as I was just at my lowest, “For every down, there is an up.” I’m glad you’re seeing a bit of that in the up. I was struck watching the future Avon Queen running and was struck by how I used to pray and worry about her not being able to walk. Now she’s hiding and chasing Daddy. There is so much hope in the world. The dark times can just make us stronger. I just wanted to add one more voice to the chorus of well-wishers. I enjoy you and your family so much. Thank you for what you do.

  • Meggleberry

    These are the moments that I feel a real longing for now that my three children have made it safely to adulthood. And that I’m not sure I appreciated to the full at the time they were happening. Because the best of life is in the tiny fragments that piece together into life. Leta’s love for you is a such a joy.

    So sorry that life is so bloody hard right now. Just don’t give the hate mailer’s even a nanosecond of your life. Their twisted views are 100% about them and totally nothing about you. Hang in there and know that there is a whole community out here that loves what you do and is cheering you on every slogging step of the way.

  • bookratt

    You are one of the 5 people I have listed at myspace (ok, stop that smirking already), besides Einstein, Harper Lee, Martin Sheen, Magnus Scheving and Nelson Mandela, that I have wanted to meet in my lifetime.

    Not sure if that bit of knowledge helps to make you feel better. It should.

    Not because I am any great shakes myself, so great that you’d necessarily have any real desire to meet me, but because THEY are great. And you are number one on that list.

    That’s pretty good company you keep, Heather.

    Peace to you and your family.

  • BuckeyeJim

    >“found you blog today and its total shit!!!! loser!!!!”< So sad that there are people who so much want to believe that the universe is them-centered. Does Leta already display more maturity?

  • FlippyO

    If you’re gonna smack some pedestrians, would you consider taking advantage of a personalized list I could make up real quick like?

    I’d like to say something supportive ‘n shit, but I’m not good with stuff like that, so I’ll just lightly punch you in the arm or something.

  • Michelle

    Oh My Goodness!!! She is absolutely adorable. I always look forward to reading your blogs. Thank so you much for sharing exactly who you are. You’re an inspiration.

  • Chris(tine)

    I, too, have never commented here, but I wanted to add my voice to the song of support…

    The “long dark night” times are very hard, but kids do make it worth the fight. I’m hoping you find a way to hang in there.

    Leta is beyond adorable…

  • cardshoppegirl

    perfection! attack of the 50 ft toddler!
    screw the blue meanies of the world, Heather. you’re funny as S@#% and if you need to vent – let it fly. we’ve got your back.

  • Skeezeroo

    Why oh why oh why can I NOT see this video? It opens an IE window on my box, which remains entirely white and gives me this unending white-arrow-with-hourglass thing. As though it is thinking…yet it never actually launches said video. Am I missing a plug-in or something? I just know, know, KNOW that Leta is beyond darling here… if only I could see it! Help me somegeek! Help me!

  • Let the good mojo help carry you through if it can…

  • Heather,

    For the first time EVER… something has given me an inkling that I might want to have kids.

    What a beautiful moment with Leta. So beautiful. So touching. Thank you for sharing. She is SO worth kicking this depression thing in the ass.

  • Heather – that is a damn fine reason to believe. Keep believing, especially when you don’t. Put a post-it on your fridge, or the box of Pop Tarts or poor Chuck’s rear end that says “believe”. You have so much love out there for you and your family and we believe for you.

    Believing from Boston,
    -Lori

  • joe

    NOW it lets me sign in. What did I want to say? Oh yea, hang in there. You’re not alone in your battle with the demons and all that rot. It meant more when there were only four comments but now that there are over 100 I fear I’m just another boring repeat. But do hang tough H. And your daughter is adorable.

  • lunacydress

    ~~~Long time reader, first time poster~~~

    I, too, struggle with depression- as a result of it, I left college after 2 years, and in the five years since then, I’ve stuggled further to find what it is I want to do with the rest of my life. In the 2 or so years I’ve been reading your blog, I’ve laughed (hysterically!) and cried along with you, Jon, Leta and Chuck. You’re all in my thoughts daily, long after I’ve read the day’s post. Sometimes Leta’s adorableness, charm, spontaneity and brilliance make me re-think this whole “childfree” thing 🙂

    We know you can get through this Heather, and know that all of us and your friends and family are behind you.

    P.S. I’m going to be in SLC next week for 8 days for business- can’t wait to see the Utah sites you take pictures of an describe and experience all the Mormon-y goodness! 🙂

  • Could you stop posting my emails on your shit blog?

    thanx.

  • HDC

    Gads, who wouldn’t feel better after knocking a few pedestrians on their asses?

  • Ms. Karen

    Your blog and your pictures are a bright spot in my day. I’m glad you’re here.

    I wish the video had loaded for me, but I’m sure it would just make me ache more for grandkids.

  • Thanks for sharing that video; Leta always makes me smile. I hope things turn up for you soon – I’ve been going through another period of depression myself. Feel free to vent and bitch if you want!

  • CyndiLou

    Just another anonymous admirer who has vacationed in that deep, dark pit. If wishes and prayers (sorry :)–I’m doing it for you, can’t help it, but I’m just a run-of-the-mill relatively-unscarred-by-religion Presbyterian) from the internet can boost the curative powers of your obvious, moving love for your family, then you will be just fine.

  • Susie

    I’m sorry you have to go through this, but I’m glad you’ve got Jon in your corner. Oh, and Leta? Cutest. Waddle. Ever.

  • Watching toddlers run should be a law. It is just too dam cute. I hope life gets better for you soon. You are an amazing person to share your life (and Jon and Leta’s) with us. Just know that you are not alone. And for every idiot, they is at least 4 people who’d kick their asses if given the chance.

  • Krista

    Heather- Thank you for your blog. I consider you to be one of the matriarchs of blogging and I can only hope that some day I can be as insightful, witty, and shocking as you. I wish there was some way I could keep the people with the ugly insides from commenting… I guess it just doesn’t work that way. I’m glad that you have Leta to hug!

  • made my tuesday worth living.

    (that, and another viewing of pickle surprise.)

    thankyouthankyou.

  • Lobsterchick

    I know there’s no magic button, I know there’s no magic pill, but maybe it’ll make you feel a smidge better to know that my friend Danielle and I send each other bitter emails with subject lines like “Dooce, AGAIN!” wherein we bemoan how beautiful you are, how lucky you are to be home with Leta, how clever your writing is… we want to hate you, but we can’t BECAUSE YOU’RE SO DAMN LIKEABLE!

  • Kids in motion are even more amazing then kids wrapped up in cleverly crafted adult commentary (which you also do so well).

    That was the coolest.

  • moonrattled

    Leta’s sweetness is fierce.

  • mmmmm… Mylo is nice…

    That video is awesome. She is growing up so fast. It is weird watching her grow up and remembering when she was just a round ball in your stomach.

    Thanks for allowing us to be a part of your lives.

    Much Love.

  • annepet

    Heather – I watched your video with tears in my eyes – my daughter is just a couple of months younger than Leta, and I so wish I shared your ability to write so that I too could record for her (and her older brother) just how much I love them.

    I know you worry about the impact of your illness on her, but children are resilient, and knowing that they are loved and accepted is more important than that Mommy is perfect. And let her accept you. I hate letting any sign of my agoraphobia show to my children, but this summer when faced with crossing a railway line with my 4 year old, I just couldn’t do it – he accepted this with aplomb and happily marched the long way round to keep our appointment.

    (Oh, and the sunflower seed thing? So glad you shared that one!)

  • Libragirl

    I love the kid running and jumping. Knowing that every Wednesday, my niece will do that…makes my weeks fly. I’m glad other kids do it. Kid laughter, best sound in the world.

  • you can tell in her eyes she adores you.

  • You get too many damn comments, and it’s not even into 3 digits yet (although it may well be before I finish typing). That’s my way of saying I didn’t have time to read more than a few of them, so hopefully I’m not repeating anything that has already been said.

    Say it! Say it! Say it! I want to hear what you have to say. Don’t let the haters scare you away. People who can’t type grammatically correct sentences shouldn’t be allowed to send hate mail.

    I couldn’t see the video because I can never get fucking Quicktime to work. I will work on that, because I’m sure it’s adorable.

    Secular blessings and love …

  • Take care

  • Libby

    Heather,

    It is really hard for me to imagine how people could send you mean and crabby emails, but I admire the way you handle them. They obviously don’t know much about you, since it is obvious to me and the other 80-some-odd folks who wrote before me how lovely you are!

    Am wishing you well and hoping that things get easier on your end. You’ll get there, am sure, since those of us in the internet sphere always get our way. 😉

  • samantha w.

    May the light of your soul guide you.
    May the light of your soul bless the work you do,
    with the secret love and warmth of your heart.
    May you see in what you do the beauty of your own soul.
    May the sacredness of your work bring healing,
    light and renewal to those who work with you
    And to those who see and receive your work.
    May your work never weary you.
    My it release within you wellsprings of refreshment,
    inspiration and excitement.
    May you be present in what you do.
    May you never become lost in the bland absences.
    May the day never burden.
    May dawn find you awake and alert,
    Approaching your new day with dreams,
    possibilities and promises.
    May evening find you gracious and fulfilled.
    May you go into the night blessed, sheltered and protected.
    May your soul calm, console and renew you.

    -a celtic blessing

  • I’m just another blogger, just another lurker, just another commenter. But I love the honesty with which you posted, and I’m just here to tell you that I hope and pray that the cloud lifts and breathing becomes easier with each day. So glad you are blessed with that wonderful little girl — hold fast to her and to all that is dear to you.

  • creed_nm

    A long time ago I too suffered under the shadow of depression, fortunately nowhere near as bad as yours.

    During a particularly bad time a very good friend of mine said something I shall never forget, and which helped me a lot then and since.

    They were perhaps the strongest six words that anyone ever said to me, and I’d like to share them with you now:

    “Come back soon, we miss you.”

    Best wishes Heather; come back soon.

  • I can’t watch the movie at work because the powers that be are dillholes and won’t allow me to download Quicktime without some sort of administrative rights. But I can’t wait to see it!

    As for the sunflower nuts/seeds debate, isn’t the word “nuts” even more offensive than “seeds” to a Mormon? I can’t imagine a Mormon putting nuts in their mouth any more than placing a seed in their mouth. Just sayin’…

    And ignore all the meanies. Sending good thoughts your way!

  • I can’t watch the movie at work because the powers that be are dillholes and won’t allow me to download Quicktime without some sort of administrative rights. But I can’t wait to see it!

    As for the sunflower nuts/seeds debate, isn’t the word “nuts” even more offensive than “seeds” to a Mormon? I can’t imagine a Mormon putting nuts in their mouth any more than placing a seed in their mouth. Just sayin’…

    And ignore all the meanies. Sending good thoughts your way!