This here bringer of the pooper to the fun party

Exclamation Point, Summer 2007 Edition

It’s been several months since the last installment of hatemail, and now I’m starting to get hatemail about not posting enough hatemail. I would have posted some sooner, but recent hatemail hasn’t been very clever or passionate, and I didn’t have a lot to work with. A lot of it was about how they didn’t like my hair, or why am I dressing Leta like that? Or can you please change your masthead because I don’t like pink. Most of those I just forwarded to Jon because he’s the site admin and needs to be aware of such issues. And he’d always send an email back to me that said: UNSUBSCRIBE.

I think the summer weather has neutralized the brain waves of some of my readers, because a lot of my hatemail is lacking a certain intensity that I have come to love and appreciate. Like this one from Patrick:

Since I have read your blog, you have referred to yourselfe as “Shit Ass Ho Motherfucker” and now your husband as something similar. I am just sad to see that characterization still applied, even if it is meant as some kind of… what? I don’t know what use an intelligent, happy person would have for such characterizations towards anyone, much less themselves.

It is violent language… it is angry language… it is hatefilled language designed to hurt. To cultivate this energy in your life is sad. The reason I looked at your site today is that I am in the process of cleaning out my “favorites” on my computer and am going to get rid of all these blogs I spent time reading last year when I was unemployed for a few months. I guess I am just writing to you because it makes me a little sad to see such an intelligent, attractive woman so unhappy… with yourself.

You can get as defensive about that statement as you wish, but believe me ~ if you loved yourself… you wouldn’t leave that hurtful identification up on your blog. I hope your very legitmate resentment against organized religion will not turn you off to an openmindedness about a spiritual way of living that could heal whatever hurts so much.

Raise your hand if you made it to the end of that one.

That’s what I thought.

Here’s one from Michelle:

Stop blogging so much about your stupid boring life in the house all day and start eating. You look anorexic – like you are shriveling up and dying. Eat a cheeseburger for Christsakes!

Does making fun of skinny people make you feel better about being an asshole? I’ve often wondered, because apparently I can go out and cure my inherited metabolism with a cheeseburger. But you? How are you going to fix that personality?

From Annette:

So… I don’t quite understand… You’ve got skin cancer, but you blog about spending time in the sun in your new pool?!? Strange.

Talk about strange. “They” don’t make anything that I can put on my skin to protect myself.

(!?!?)

This next one is from Nancy:

First I must say that I am impressed (read jealous) of your new house and somewhat amazed (read perplexed) that you are making such a nice living (read lots-o-cash) from your blog. Well, good for you. I just think it’s kind of lame that you didn’t mention the new house until “several weeks later.” If the blog is about you life, why didn’t you let us in on all this earlier. I don’t know, it makes me wonder if you are really so honest about what you write. It would be much more compelling if you really let us know what was going on when it was happening and not after the fact (sex not included). Seems kind of fake.

Nancy, it is kind of lame that I make choices about what to write. On my personal website. You have a point there.

But did you ever think that maybe I didn’t want to write about selling my house while it was still on the market because of how easy it would be for some loony to find the listing, and then show up saying that they were interested in buying the house? Just so that they could rummage through my underwear drawer? I mean, it’s not like strangers routinely show up to the address listed on my contact page thinking that it is my house, forcing the employee there at the UPS store to clarify that no, dooce does not live here behind the counter.

Next up is one of the weekly emails I get from Random Mormon Stranger Who Wants To Save Me:

For the most part in the last few month”s I have sorted out your talent and ignored your mormon slams. You know you have finally convinced me that you have turned against your former faith and taken on the disk a mormon attitude. Your profanity against our creator is very evident. You need to humble yourself and listen to answers of your parents prayer’s concerning you. After all your beautiful little daughter will watch and listen to you ,what you say, and do. You are her role model. I admire your creativeness, and talent to do what you do but feel sorry for the spiritual path you have chosen at this point of your life. Alot of non-mormons read your website and probably spur the chance they have to investigate the lds faith because of your calous thoughts and actions directed at the lds church and the state of utah.

I really wish my Granny would walk away from the computer and take her Xanax.

And this one from Amy:

Let me start by saying I enjoy your blog and have been a loyal reader for a long time. The problem I am having with your blog, is the following. How, are you “paid” by ads when your site is not updated on a regular basis? I visit your site daily only to be disappointed that you haven’t posted for days…..If I was paying you for advertisement and noticed this, I might wonder are you lazy, just do not have anything to say, or just so sure of your fans that you only need to humor us every now and then?

Did I say I was “paid” by ads? That was a mistake! Didn’t mean that. What I meant to say was that certain advertisers have Jon’s testicles wired to an electrical device, and every day that I don’t post something new they shock his balls up into his esophagus. As incentive.

If it weren’t for this arrangement I would not even be aware that I’ve gone a day or two without posting. Because I don’t ever have angry readers sending me reminders that they are making judgments about my character when I fail to update every single day.

From Pete:

you are idiot.

Right. Gotcha. Hey, does it hurt your knuckles when they scrape across concrete? How about asphalt? Also, is it fun to sleep in trees?

From Karen:

I have enjoyed reading your site for years but I was quite upset this evening to realize that you are financing your new (albeit inexpensive) outdoor cooling device by helping to hawk life insurance for infants. Pretty awful.

Maybe you are referring to a Google ad? Because I don’t ever remember approving an ad for infant life insurance, and I don’t really have a lot of say in what shows up in the Google ads. They take on a life of their own depending on the words I use in a post, and sometimes when you pull up my about page, the Google bot will read through what I’ve written there and serve up ads for HOT MORMON SINGLES, and come on, have you read my about page? I’m neither hot nor single.

And from Sherie:

Your life is so fucking dull.

Noted. Will work harder to get arrested.

From Peggy:

I work in a mental health facility and I was a bit drawn back that you brought up mental illness in a joking manner. People struggle on a day to day bases and work hard through them. Some people would appreciate a house,a dog,even to be able to stay well enough to keep their children. So I would just like to say feel blessed for all the things you have. Mental Illness is a very serious subject. Walk a mile in someone shoes before you make light of the situation.

The shoes of someone who suffers from a mental illness… hmm… how about the ones I routinely aim at my husband’s forehead? Do those count?

Next time I even think about making light of my situation I will be sure to stop and realize that I have no way of knowing what it feels like to be me.

From Lynn:

“Meat is murder. Tasty tasty murder” put me over the edge.
You just lost a fan who has been reading you since before
Leta was born. That was not even remotely funny.

Wait, you don’t like my t-shirt? Not even a little bit? Not even a ha, ha, yeah, I can kinda see how overreacting to a t-shirt might even prove its point? Because every time I wear that t-shirt now, I walk up to Jon, point to my chest and say very grimly, “This is not even remotely funny.”

From Robert:

Is this a great country or what? If you can make a living doing what I see on your site I am in awe. what a joke.

Actually, I’ve got a joke. Wanna hear it? So there was this guy, and he was reading blogs at work, while he was supposed to be working, and sending email to those blogs FROM A WORK EMAIL ADDRESS, and get this, he was complaining about someone getting paid to blog when he was getting paid to read that same blog. Wait. That’s not a joke. That’s irony.

From Jeff:

It is possible to beat a virtual dead horse with too many digital dog pics.

What? Me beat a dead horse? Sir would be mistaken.
34C

  • Loob

    “taken on the disk a mormon attitude”

    Hehehe! I want to *disk* a mormon!
    …How does one do that?

  • YummyHaggis

    Is Chuck wearing a padded bra? I love Chuck.

  • “You are idiot.”

    Excellent. It’s LOLPete.

  • You so rock. And those other folks? They just need to get over themselves.

    But isn’t it cool to think that you’re the whole reason that there aren’t more people converting to Mormonism (is that even the right word?)? When you were a kid, did you ever think you’d have so much power?

  • And I have that tshirt.

  • I am making a formal request that Chuck’s cleavage be incorporated into August’s masthead. That would make me a very happy dooce customer.

  • Chuckles in the bra is just as awesome as Chuckles taking a shit for the last person who complained about too many pics. And then the Daily Chuckles Photo was born. Perhaps Jeff would love to see Chuckles every month on the mast head?

  • NikRan

    HA!

    People simply never cease to amaze me. This is yet another reason to wonder what our world would be like if we could just have jackass filters. For EVERYTHING! Can you just imagine it?

    Oh, wait, but then we probably wouldn’t be cracking up as much as we are now – and that’s why God put jackasses on this big, beautiful earth! To make us laugh hysterically at their idiotic and self righteous tendencies and your perfect comebacks!

    Any chance you can turn all that haterade and your stunning responses into a book? I’d buy it. In fact, I’d even tell everyone on the planet about it. KACHING! Do you hear that? Money pouring in from publishing the best of these ramblings and your replies. From what I see, this could be yet another dimension to an already incredible career. Now THAT is funny and good!

    Thank you, God and thank YOU, Dooce. Keep the creativity coming – our world needs it. You brighten my days and I really appreciate it.

    p.s. So do you think offense might be taken at the t-shirt “PETA – People Eating Tasty Animals?”

  • sar

    Keep it comin!

  • FishPockets85

    That woman? who works with the mentally ill?
    She’s one of the reasons it’s such a struggle for us.

    😀

  • Widget

    You must hold the record for most comments per entry in the shortest time. That says something about your readership. I scrolled a long way just to say that you rock! Just keep doin’ what you’re doin’.
    Also, I would totally like to hang with Chuck and GEORGE!.

  • Triana

    I can’t raise my hand. And I would like to see more pictures of the dog!

  • jessica

    between this entry and your last entry, i haven’t spent this amount of time on one website skimming for nasty comments since i was 16. to be honest, i was REALLY hoping for someone to say something negative and incur some wrath on this post, and i’m a little disappointed that no one jumped to the desperate defense of one of your hate-mailers. internet fights are so fun because they’re so anonymous; you can participate OR watch with no guilt, because no one but google knows.

    i never comment on random peoples’ blogs, but you are hi-larious. you are like one of those friends who says something just so incredibly vulgar that i cover my mouth and snort my beverage because i can’t BELIEVE you just said that, and i would CERTAINLY never say it, but YOU’RE SO RIGHT.

  • Hedy

    I can always rely on your hate mail responses to give me one good belly laugh. This got me: Raise your hand if you made it to the end of that one. I’m still laughing. Thanks so much. And let’s all thank the Mormon God for the blessed idiots who write to you.

  • becaru

    Chuck in the black bra was a classic. Sir was highly amused.

  • Julie Who

    How do you resist the urge to reply to them all with something like, bite me? Or something less eloquent.

  • sage326

    Thanks, as always, for the giggles. Boy howdy, I needed that. You are the BEST!

  • OMG, I’d forgotten about tasty, tasty murder! lol.
    I love your dueling wit with the hatemailers. Maybe on a really boring day you can do it again because it’s so damn entertaining.

    Thanks for keeping us laughing.

  • toddlermama

    I love being in the 300s!

    To those taking issue with your talking about/making light of mental illness, well, I’d like to stick my thumb in their collective eye. My younger sister has bipolar disorder. Yes, it is a serious disease, terminal, in fact — but if we can’t laugh about the silly things she does when the meds aren’t working right and she’s manic, the depression would take over and make things a hundred times worse. I don’t hide my sister’s illness (to me, that’d be like hiding cancer — what’s the difference, really?), and I’ve lost too many friends over sharing that she has the disease (they all think I must be nuts too). If more people don’t talk about mental illness — whether joking or not — it’ll remain a closet disease, and the sick will just get sicker. So hat’s off to you again, Dooce, for bringing the issue to light, however you see fit.

    Not to pontificate, but the haters should think about the people you’ve helped by talking about both your mental and physical illnesses. I’ll amend my prior offer: I won’t stick my thumb in the eyes of the haters, I’ll squirt some sunscreen at them. Just trying to spread the love instead of the hate…

  • That was quite possibly the best ending to a blog… EVER. It may have even been better than the ending of Sunday’s episode of Entourage.

    And I have a suggestion, cause you don’t get enough of those. Reply, mass email style (don’t bother BCCing), with “suck it, please.” THEN you’ll get some quality hatemail!

  • danner

    I recently started reading and love your blog. It cracks me up though to find people complaining to you about something that is yours. I love that people feel it is okay to tell you what they don’t like about you, your kid, your hair whatever. Apparently it the scope of their little lives your blog is really important. How does it feel to “touch” so many people in such a way? Of course I am being sarcastic. . . people are loony. Anyhow, I for one love your site and enjoy reading whatever you feel like posting whenever you feel like posting. Keep up the good work!

  • Haha, I love that shirt! Where can I get one? 🙂

  • Fox

    Ok, I must say, that picture of Chuck is absolutely priceless. Especially the sticking out of his tongue. Perfect.

  • Deborah Zemek

    There are people out there who would complain about anything just to complain…the very fact that they take time out to write you all this hatemail is evidence of it. There’s no changing them, but you can make a great blog entry out of it! thanks for sharing! It was highly entertaining, particularly the mormon entry – I can relate since I also live among them…

    and I like the pictures of everything, especially the ones of Chuck!

  • Jennifer Canzoneri

    All of your hate-mail senders need to be introduced to a little program called SPELL CHECK.

  • Your blog is fantastic! From poking fun at family, friends, posting pictures of Chuck (a really super dog, I must add) to the letters you write to Leta, which often have me ready to cry, I very much enjoy your writing style. If people read this and have a mega bone to pick about your topics, your vocabulary, pictures – you name it – tell ’em no one forced them to click on your blog, no one twisted their collective arms to make them read it. But, someone, somewhere should have forced them to understand humor, particularly sarcasm! Yours is fantastic!

  • I was having a crappy day.

    Now I’m not.

    I really needed levity today. Thanks!

  • mediaguy74

    So is that picture of Chuck going to be the centerfold shot or the Ms. July shot of the 2008 Chuck calendar?

  • Lorenzo

    Thanks for the laugh. I don’t care whether you’re writing about Leta, the dog, your husband or anything else – it’s all great. Your sense of humor is dead on. However, any dog knows the bra goes under the legs, especially when there are no shoulders to hold it up. Sheesh.

    Question – did you write to Robert’s boss after he commented?

  • JLJ

    It is a small world! Chuck and I shop for bras at the same places! I’m so excited.

    Also, lordy, I love the responses you have for the hate mail. People are so weird. Weird and stupid and silly. Why do they bother to send you e-mail like that? Oh. Wait. As I look back over what I’ve written, I realize I’ve answered my own question. They’re weird and/or stupid or silly. That explains it all.

    I would only be upset with you if you stopped taking pictures of Chuck. Fewer pictures of Chuck make Baby Jesus, and me, cry.

  • carynski

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    I almost peed my skirt when I read this one. Seriously, you need to run for president. You rock.

  • KMQ

    Hilarious and witty. I love this blog.

  • Where have all the exclamation points gone?

    !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Whew, thats better. 🙂

  • hahaha, I’ve been reading your blog for a lonnng time, and this entry finally drove me to make a typekey account so that I could comment.

    Of course it’s too simple to just not read the blog if they don’t like it. But then could we read the awesome entries like this one? Nope. And I bet those same hatemailers are still checking for updates, and will have something ridiculous to say yet again when they see it. That’s what’s wrong with the world.. not enough sense of humor and too many assholes. But, you’re a smart lady; you know this.

    I’m sure the 338 people above me all said about the same thing, but that’s ok.

    I love your site! It’s always funny and well-written, never dull or lame. My favorite part are the monthly letters to Leta. 🙂

    HAHAHAHA the Chuck picture is too funny!

  • Blitz Krieg

    Great shit. Now where do I get one of those t-shirts

  • calw

    damn…got the same bra but it looks better on chuck. very sad

  • The Bold Soul

    And “hobo on the side of the freeway” (#317) – THERE is your next month’s masthead slogan. Perfection.

  • Ruth (#256) – I know. Obscure Canadian humour. Sorry.

  • AmyHazel

    I was dying reading the latest edition of hatemail. Then I saw Chuck. In a bra. With his tongue out. Thanks for making my day!

  • Cathy in S.C.

    Okay, it’s official. I peed my pants.
    At work.
    Using a work computer.
    Sue me but it was the perfect end to a stress-filled day.
    Love you, love the dog, really love the kid.
    You’re the best!

  • The Bold Soul

    Yippee! It’s another installment of Heather’s Hate-mail Hoe-down! Yee-HAH! I LIVE for this stuff. (Yes, I have a small-ish sort of life. Even in Paris where I get to date French guys 12 years younger than me. Really.)

    Based on this quarter’s batch of insanity (Peggy will probably send ME some hate mail now, just for writing the word “insanity” in a sarcastic manner) I am guessing that: (1) Michelle the Burger Lover’s NOT a “Hot Mormon” although she might well be single (2) Annette is suggesting you should now never again be allowed to see the light of day – maybe she wants you to cover your entire house with tin foil now so NO sunlight can touch your skin? – and (3) Jeff is probably just jealous because Chuck looks better in that bra than he would. And Pete? I do think you were kind of harsh there… you insulted all the more intelligent monkeys and apes by comparing them with Pete, who is clearly a much lower life-form, such as one of the nits the apes pick off one another.

    Nasty commentors and hate-mailers are a class unto themselves, and it’s hard to know what on earth they think they’re accomplishing sometimes. Do you know that I got nasty comments on my blog because I wrote about a “Turkish toilet” (i.e. a hole in the ground with a flusher) that I encountered in a restroom in Paris, and I wrote that I thought it was gross but that I was actually laughing at my own reaction to it. Some reader decided it was a good excuse to rake me over the coals for being a stupid American and “acting like a silly schoolgirl” about it. Yet he was stupid enough to make a “stink” over a TOILET. It’s always something with these people; there’s no pleasing them.

    Keep on rockin’ and rollin’ and sharing the darker side of blogging. ‘Cuz THAT’s entertainment!

  • Teri

    As a vegetarian, I would never wear your meat t-shirt, but my husband would. And we would both laugh the whole time.

    As for Chuck, we can never have too much Chuck! Especially in a bra

  • Heather dear! I love your blog!! I love your hate mail!!! But most of all I love Chuck!!!! –LanaGee

  • bhamandcheese

    Hehehehehe…I think you are great. Always make my day!

  • julie

    You. Are. SO. Funny.!!!!!!!!!!
    And, you’re a good mommy. And pretty.
    Thank you for writing.

  • “disk a mormon attitude”

    Totally my vote for next month’s header. Did somebody spill a giant bonus economy-sized can of stupid on Utah recently? Because your haters are getting dumber and dumber.

    And I didn’t think that was possible.

    Peace out yo.

    CHUCK in 08!

  • Mel

    Seriously, you rock. I can’t figure something out though…if people hate you and your site, why can’t they just stop reading the blog?

    PS: As someone who has also dealt with depression, I know that once in awhile you HAVE to joke about it. It’s the only way to get through it.

  • paula

    Chuck is the sexiest cross dressing dog I’ve ever seen.

  • Jameykay

    I was a beanpole by metabolism for 20 years. then i ate a cheeseburger in college due to peer pressure. i now weigh 300 pounds and i am only mobile due to a forklift donated to me by the mormon church. damn that one cheeseburger!!!

  • Best. Chuck. Picture. Ever.

    Though it’s making me just a little crazy that he can rock the Victoria’s Secret better than I can.

    When is Chuck going to get his own blog?