This here bringer of the pooper to the fun party

Exclamation Point, Summer 2007 Edition

It’s been several months since the last installment of hatemail, and now I’m starting to get hatemail about not posting enough hatemail. I would have posted some sooner, but recent hatemail hasn’t been very clever or passionate, and I didn’t have a lot to work with. A lot of it was about how they didn’t like my hair, or why am I dressing Leta like that? Or can you please change your masthead because I don’t like pink. Most of those I just forwarded to Jon because he’s the site admin and needs to be aware of such issues. And he’d always send an email back to me that said: UNSUBSCRIBE.

I think the summer weather has neutralized the brain waves of some of my readers, because a lot of my hatemail is lacking a certain intensity that I have come to love and appreciate. Like this one from Patrick:

Since I have read your blog, you have referred to yourselfe as “Shit Ass Ho Motherfucker” and now your husband as something similar. I am just sad to see that characterization still applied, even if it is meant as some kind of… what? I don’t know what use an intelligent, happy person would have for such characterizations towards anyone, much less themselves.

It is violent language… it is angry language… it is hatefilled language designed to hurt. To cultivate this energy in your life is sad. The reason I looked at your site today is that I am in the process of cleaning out my “favorites” on my computer and am going to get rid of all these blogs I spent time reading last year when I was unemployed for a few months. I guess I am just writing to you because it makes me a little sad to see such an intelligent, attractive woman so unhappy… with yourself.

You can get as defensive about that statement as you wish, but believe me ~ if you loved yourself… you wouldn’t leave that hurtful identification up on your blog. I hope your very legitmate resentment against organized religion will not turn you off to an openmindedness about a spiritual way of living that could heal whatever hurts so much.

Raise your hand if you made it to the end of that one.

That’s what I thought.

Here’s one from Michelle:

Stop blogging so much about your stupid boring life in the house all day and start eating. You look anorexic – like you are shriveling up and dying. Eat a cheeseburger for Christsakes!

Does making fun of skinny people make you feel better about being an asshole? I’ve often wondered, because apparently I can go out and cure my inherited metabolism with a cheeseburger. But you? How are you going to fix that personality?

From Annette:

So… I don’t quite understand… You’ve got skin cancer, but you blog about spending time in the sun in your new pool?!? Strange.

Talk about strange. “They” don’t make anything that I can put on my skin to protect myself.

(!?!?)

This next one is from Nancy:

First I must say that I am impressed (read jealous) of your new house and somewhat amazed (read perplexed) that you are making such a nice living (read lots-o-cash) from your blog. Well, good for you. I just think it’s kind of lame that you didn’t mention the new house until “several weeks later.” If the blog is about you life, why didn’t you let us in on all this earlier. I don’t know, it makes me wonder if you are really so honest about what you write. It would be much more compelling if you really let us know what was going on when it was happening and not after the fact (sex not included). Seems kind of fake.

Nancy, it is kind of lame that I make choices about what to write. On my personal website. You have a point there.

But did you ever think that maybe I didn’t want to write about selling my house while it was still on the market because of how easy it would be for some loony to find the listing, and then show up saying that they were interested in buying the house? Just so that they could rummage through my underwear drawer? I mean, it’s not like strangers routinely show up to the address listed on my contact page thinking that it is my house, forcing the employee there at the UPS store to clarify that no, dooce does not live here behind the counter.

Next up is one of the weekly emails I get from Random Mormon Stranger Who Wants To Save Me:

For the most part in the last few month”s I have sorted out your talent and ignored your mormon slams. You know you have finally convinced me that you have turned against your former faith and taken on the disk a mormon attitude. Your profanity against our creator is very evident. You need to humble yourself and listen to answers of your parents prayer’s concerning you. After all your beautiful little daughter will watch and listen to you ,what you say, and do. You are her role model. I admire your creativeness, and talent to do what you do but feel sorry for the spiritual path you have chosen at this point of your life. Alot of non-mormons read your website and probably spur the chance they have to investigate the lds faith because of your calous thoughts and actions directed at the lds church and the state of utah.

I really wish my Granny would walk away from the computer and take her Xanax.

And this one from Amy:

Let me start by saying I enjoy your blog and have been a loyal reader for a long time. The problem I am having with your blog, is the following. How, are you “paid” by ads when your site is not updated on a regular basis? I visit your site daily only to be disappointed that you haven’t posted for days…..If I was paying you for advertisement and noticed this, I might wonder are you lazy, just do not have anything to say, or just so sure of your fans that you only need to humor us every now and then?

Did I say I was “paid” by ads? That was a mistake! Didn’t mean that. What I meant to say was that certain advertisers have Jon’s testicles wired to an electrical device, and every day that I don’t post something new they shock his balls up into his esophagus. As incentive.

If it weren’t for this arrangement I would not even be aware that I’ve gone a day or two without posting. Because I don’t ever have angry readers sending me reminders that they are making judgments about my character when I fail to update every single day.

From Pete:

you are idiot.

Right. Gotcha. Hey, does it hurt your knuckles when they scrape across concrete? How about asphalt? Also, is it fun to sleep in trees?

From Karen:

I have enjoyed reading your site for years but I was quite upset this evening to realize that you are financing your new (albeit inexpensive) outdoor cooling device by helping to hawk life insurance for infants. Pretty awful.

Maybe you are referring to a Google ad? Because I don’t ever remember approving an ad for infant life insurance, and I don’t really have a lot of say in what shows up in the Google ads. They take on a life of their own depending on the words I use in a post, and sometimes when you pull up my about page, the Google bot will read through what I’ve written there and serve up ads for HOT MORMON SINGLES, and come on, have you read my about page? I’m neither hot nor single.

And from Sherie:

Your life is so fucking dull.

Noted. Will work harder to get arrested.

From Peggy:

I work in a mental health facility and I was a bit drawn back that you brought up mental illness in a joking manner. People struggle on a day to day bases and work hard through them. Some people would appreciate a house,a dog,even to be able to stay well enough to keep their children. So I would just like to say feel blessed for all the things you have. Mental Illness is a very serious subject. Walk a mile in someone shoes before you make light of the situation.

The shoes of someone who suffers from a mental illness… hmm… how about the ones I routinely aim at my husband’s forehead? Do those count?

Next time I even think about making light of my situation I will be sure to stop and realize that I have no way of knowing what it feels like to be me.

From Lynn:

“Meat is murder. Tasty tasty murder” put me over the edge.
You just lost a fan who has been reading you since before
Leta was born. That was not even remotely funny.

Wait, you don’t like my t-shirt? Not even a little bit? Not even a ha, ha, yeah, I can kinda see how overreacting to a t-shirt might even prove its point? Because every time I wear that t-shirt now, I walk up to Jon, point to my chest and say very grimly, “This is not even remotely funny.”

From Robert:

Is this a great country or what? If you can make a living doing what I see on your site I am in awe. what a joke.

Actually, I’ve got a joke. Wanna hear it? So there was this guy, and he was reading blogs at work, while he was supposed to be working, and sending email to those blogs FROM A WORK EMAIL ADDRESS, and get this, he was complaining about someone getting paid to blog when he was getting paid to read that same blog. Wait. That’s not a joke. That’s irony.

From Jeff:

It is possible to beat a virtual dead horse with too many digital dog pics.

What? Me beat a dead horse? Sir would be mistaken.
34C

  • MTSP

    i love Chuck (so much so that I ordered the Chuck calendar last year!) i love gorgeous, adorable Leta and look forward to photos of her. i hope my kids are that cute! you are GREAT. the site is fantastic. the photos are amazing. your writing is excellent! 🙂 the site is a pleasure to read. it’s witty, funny and entertaining. these angry people have nothing better to do with their time but be hateful. and really, those are their problems, not yours. keep writing for the many of us who appreciate how great you are!

  • KittyJimjams

    Ooh! Ooh! Comments are open!

    Heather: I love you, and I love your blog. I especially love that come-hither photo of Chuck. I’m aware that’s possibly scarier than hatemail, but don’t worry, I’m not even in the same country as you.

    Er, I don’t really have anything pertinent to say about today’s post that other commenters haven’t covered. I’m just saying: woo!

  • That bra was not even remotely funny.

    NO SMILING!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • jaced

    A person sending hatemail to a blogger is like a hobo on the side of the freeway yelling at passing cars.

    Thanks for the laughs.

  • your hate mail and inadequately covered chuck has cheered me immensely.
    note: i recently read that some most of us (11 out of 10?) wear bras that do not fit us. in chuck’s case, i can see that he was fitted properly at victorias secret.

    well done.

  • I think Chuck’s underwire support is failing him.

  • If the mentally ill among us couldn’t laugh, we’d be crying, and in my case, probably curled up in a fetal position, rocking, rocking, rocking. Which makes my clients mad because I don’t call them back RIGHT THEN.

    “Sensitivity” about the mentally ill, my ass. How about keep on doin’ what you’re doin’, fighting to be functional and trying to find the funny in everything, including the crazy? Doesn’t that twit know that laughter raises serotonin levels? You could make that a tagline for next month:

    Dooce: approved by 100% of mentally ill commenters.

  • My lanta, your blog kills me. 1) I’d like your meat shirt (hm, that came out wrong), and 2) Did Chuck have breast implants? If not I’d like a bra that makes me look as boob-tastic!

    I think my favorite part is the humorless people who point out your idiocy by mispelling every third word. Classic.

    Did I mispell misspell? Who the f knows.

  • If the mentally ill among us couldn’t laugh, we’d be crying, and in my case, probably curled up in a fetal position, rocking, rocking, rocking. Which makes my clients mad because I don’t call them back RIGHT THEN.

    “Sensitivity” about the mentally ill, my ass. How about keep on doin’ what your doin’, fighting to be functional and trying to find the funny in everything, including the crazy? Doesn’t that twit know that laughter raises serotonin levels?

  • erik

    Man, anyone who would take the time to be NEGATIVE about you or what you do in your blog can kiss my crack.
    As a new blogger, father of two, and someone who lives with the joys of depression, you are like a carbon copy of me. With boobs. And a dog.
    Keep up the good work.

  • Tink

    Sorry but I’ve been a bit of a lurker till now so hi and I love your blog.
    Anyways, a) These people who write you have no life and/or have all the time in the world. I wish I had all the time in the world but it would be better used than what they do with it b) my response to the mental health worker is says that you don’t take it seriously and make fun of it . . . please. I was so happy when when I found your blogs about depression that I said finally somebody get it, feels the same way I do and how can you not laugh at it. If I couldn’t laugh at it then I would probably be in a stray jacket. Anyway, c) you keep taking picks on your dog. It’s one of the funniest things today.
    JEEZ, people get a life!

  • That has got to be the funniest Chuck picture to date, though it looks like the cups might be too big for him. Maybe he should start with a training bra instead.

  • I love the first one about how you call yourself a “Shit Ass Ho Motherfucker” and that means you hate yourself. HAHA. I call myself names on a daily basis, not because I hate myself, but because I have what is typically called a sense of humor. I’ve never posted before, but your hatemail posts are awesome 🙂

  • I wonder what the intentions are of people who like to tell you that you have a dull life. If they find the reading dull, why are they reading? Better yet, how dull is their life if they have the time to even send hatemail about the dull life of a supposedly dull blogger. And it’s interesting how people like to critique every decision you make in YOUR life. You’re not a public corporation and they are not your shareholders. The internet certainly helps stupid people to reveal themselves.

  • Long time reader, first time poster. Just wanted you to know, I don’t even notice the ads (like you would care). But seriously, I lived in Utah (as a catholic) for 18 years and I find your sense of humor highly enjoyable. The one of the traffic lady drifting off into to prayer almost killed me, my husband and our three kids because it was so…..Utah. We laughed ourselves silly.

  • jillm5

    I LOVE Chuck! He’s my favorite dog.

  • cathy

    You are brilliant.

    And it’s a very good thing to live in a country where smart people who can write, and who are very, very smart, can earn a living off their smartness, and their exceptionally good writing.

    Bring on more infant life insurance ads.

  • Lynn is right. Your t-shirt is not even remotely funny. It is incredibly freaking hilarious, and every time I think about it I laugh a little. I only wish I had one of my own.

  • Your t-shirt is most certainly very, very funny. I only wish I had one of my own 🙁

  • Amazing.

    There is no such thing as an excess of adorable dog pics.

  • This was not even remotely funny.

    Ok, by God it was!! I especially liked the guy who emailed you from work.

  • Where can I get me one o’ dem shirts!? Mmmmm….tasty….

  • annette

    Wow. Thoroughly embarrassed that someone with my name would send such stupid hate mail. Sad part is, it’s not even clever!

    Oh. And one can never, ever have too many Chuck pictures.

  • Thanks for the giggles, I really needed them today! I mean… what I meant to say was “That post wasn’t remotely funny.”

  • Nat W.

    Your “Meat is Murder” shirt cracks my ass up. As an animal lover and someone who wishes she had the will power to be a vegetarian, your shirt perfectly describes my dilemma.

  • You seriously get the best hatemail. I particularly enjoyed the one criticizing you for your commentary on mental illness.

    I just hope you’re not lobbing those cute pink shoes you bought in San Francisco at Jon.

  • Lynn is OBVIOUSLY a moron.

    Maybe she would have redeemed herself a smidge if she had at LEAST acknowledged that “Meat is Murder” is one of the BEST albums ever by one of the BEST bands ever – The Smiths…gosh.

    And I’m glad there are daily photos of Chuck. Fridays just don’t come around often enough.

    Rock on, Dooce!

  • Linda of Linda Quarterly

    All my best friends are Shit Ass Ho Motherfuckers. And I include you among them. Keep getting paid for the great work.

  • BodaciousGirl

    That’s IT! I am sooooo starting my own blog. I want HATEMAIL TOO!!! I know I can piss off a few people with what I have to say.

    PS I live my life in ALL CAPS too Leta… 😉

  • Hee. I love your replies to these. In particular, “Will work harder to get arrested.” I guess that particular hate-mailer didn’t quite realize that it is precisely because your life is normal (as normal gets), and the reason you’re so well read is not because of your adventures, but rather, your perspective on those every day moments. That’s the point. It’s your writing that’s wonderful and appreciated.

    I’m sure I’ve told you before, but I’ll say again that I’m glad you keep your sense of humour when you look through them; makes it better, and you win, whee! Must be hard sometimes, with a flood like the one you must get.

  • I LOVE these emails. People are so stupid, and your comments are wonderful responses.

  • Heather you’re a helluva talented writer and I Love! Love! Love! your site. This is my counterpoison to all those evil exclamation points tainting your inbox.

    p.s. I don’t know know what gave me a bigger rush today: finding out that Chuck is a cross-dresser and or that you opened comments!

  • liz voss

    this picture of chuck made even my animals-wearing-clothes hating husband laugh.

    i just found your website earlier this year and have devoured your archives. i love your writing style and am constantly struck by how honest and open you are. i think it’s wonderful : )

    now i just wish i could get my dog to balance things on her head! (she generally doesn’t sit still long enough for such things.)

  • I found your blog through my sister’s blog. I must say I think you are hysterical. As for the hatemail – WOW people really need other hobbies.

    The skinny hatemail comment was one of my favs, your response – savvy!!

  • lgreene625

    I love your site, your dog pictures and your adorable daughter! Keep doing what you do!

  • Dawn Coyote

    That thing Mormons do where they “call you up” or whatever, after you’re dead?

    That would be fine with me, because who cares? I’ll be DEAD. Duh.

  • Dooce, you crack my ass up. And that’s why I will always come and read your site. “outdoor cooling device”, what a moron. Karen, it’s called a pool. Not a hard word, the last time I checked.

    “Meat is murder. Tasty tasty murder” should be your next masthead. Oh maybe you should save it for a Thanksgiving one.

    I’ve been hoping you wold open comments, just so I could tell you that the pictures you post are amazing. I’ve got to get a better digital camera. I love seeing Chuckles, Leta and your brothers adorable kids every day.

  • You are awesome.
    Chuck is awesome.

    I am going to try to stop laughing now…

    dawn

  • VegasPete

    Howdy!

    I have to admit, I like the daily Chuck pic best. He is one of our “virtual” dogs that my sweetheart and I like to check on a daily basis (along with the Weims over on Textism…thanks for the long-ago link).

    However, my sweetie loses her mind when she sees something on Chuck’s head (I can’t bear to hear about the bra later). Something about: “people shouldn’t be allowed to do that to their dog.”

    So I’ve been conscripted into the CLF (the Chuck Liberation Front). Since SLC is only an hour’s flight from Vegas, we’ll be up shortly to “liberate” the Former Congressman. He’ll like it here in LV…where the only pasta he’ll see will go directly to his gullet (no pre-chomping wearing of food allowed in our household).

    Thought you should know,
    VegasPete

  • I second (or third or whatever) the opinion that “That’s not even remotely funny” should be your next masthead tagline.

    And Chuck? Is AWESOME.

  • I think I have the teeniest crush on Chuck.

    And that’s not even remotely funny.

  • Yeah, need to put in my two cents as well, to say thanks and what a great read your hate mail always is. Each time I hope, hope, hope that the writers of the letters you post catch them here and see, in new light, what morons they’re being. (Morons? Mormons?)

    You are a constant source of entertainment Heather, thank you. Whenever people stop and ask me about my “Dooche” t-shirt, I correct them and then always, always send them to you.

    Keep it up, you know you rock.

    Scott

  • SurprisingWoman

    I have already commented but I had to comment again on Chuck’s smiling face.

    Cutest thing ever. Love, love, love it.

  • Drew

    Hi Heather, you’ve got a great site! I read it every day. Forget the haters.

  • vbd93

    you are so fucking funny!

  • Dooce, really… I love and adore you. Simple as that. People amaze me day in and day out how they have such small shallow lives that they have nothing better to do and focus on than complain about the most mundane of things. Like my next door neighbor YELLING at me because my cats have left PAWPRINTS on his deck!!! OUTSIDE! WHERE THERE”S DIRT! OMG!

    You put a smile on my lips and a chuckle in my heart every day. EVERY DAY!!! And for that I thank you! And for that I hope that they (whoever they are) pay you oddles and oddles because folks, this is after all AMERICA!!! where you do what you choose as a career.

    And the mental health jokes… we’ll I’m right there with ya sistah fighting the demons every day… and mental health jokes are MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE! If you can’t make light and fun of yourself, then you’ve got a whole lot of hurt and pain headed your way. GOOD GOD people LIGHTENED THE PISS UP!!! And find a hobby while you’re at it.

    Oh… did I mention that I loved you?!?

  • kathrynaz

    Your response to the last one? From the guy at work complaining about your work? Sheer brilliance.

  • liza

    I love Chuck. I really, really do.

    And you are so witty–

  • TinaH

    Ok, no one else is saying this, so I will.

    My boobs are TOTALLY bigger than Chucks.

  • Personally, I’d like to hear more about how you are going to try to get arrested.

    Maybe if you wore your not even remotely funny shirt to a PETA gathering you could start a riot.

    That would be awesome.