Looking forward to Cinderella IV: Teenage Pregnancy

For Leta’s birthday we got her both the Cinderella II and Cinderella III DVDs because apparently we hate our lives and wish only to suffer endlessly. I haven’t yet sat down to watch either movie, can’t bring myself to find out what would have happened if the slipper didn’t fit, maybe because guess what? IT DID. THAT’S THE WHOLE POINT OF THE STORY. That’s like wasting a brain cell wondering what would have happened if Romeo and Juliet hadn’t fallen in love. You want to know what would have happened? That story would have totally sucked.

I can’t explain what the noise of it does to me, the new songs and dialogue I hear every time Leta watches one. It all sounds like it was written by someone with the same intellect as a lobotomized flea that has just crawled out of Wilford Brimley’s ass, and you’re forced to wonder what drug they were smoking when they thought these sequels would be a good idea. Here, let me sum them up for you: You know that beloved, magical and inspirational tale of Cinderella? Now imagine someone pulling down his pants, squatting down directly over it with his hairy, pimpled buttocks and taking a huge dump. The end.

Leta watched Cinderella III all afternoon surrounded by all of her Cinderella figurines including Cinderella herself, the evil step-sisters, the Prince and the Fairy Godmother. I asked her to tell me who each one was, and she obliged — “This is Cinderella, and this is her Berry Godmother” — until she got to the Prince. After hesitating for a few seconds she said, “And that’s her father.” Oh my God, so that’s what happened? The slipper didn’t fit, and instead of becoming a princess she turned to incest? I KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING CREEPY ABOUT THAT GIRL.