An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Her tombstone will read WAS SOLD TO BUTCHER

While visiting the Palm Desert last week with my friend Carol I picked up a fancy hat at a local shop to help defend my delicate butterfly skin from the ferocious rays of the sun. No I’m not kidding, my skin is made of some sort of super flimsy pancake batter, and I was out in the sun for less than an hour with SPF 70 lathered over my entire body and I still got sunburned. Where do I go from there? SPF Sweat Suit? SPF Remain Inside and Look Longingly Out My Window?

So I bought a hat to shade my face and neck as we walked along El Paseo and window shopped, and I consider that a sacrifice because I don’t wear hats. Hats are for women who can pull off puffy sleeves and lacy collars, and I wish I was one of those women but let’s be honest. I buy clothes based on how well they match my sports bra. And here I was walking around with this swoopy straw hat jutting four feet off my head feeling VERY. CONSPICUOUS. and every time we passed someone on the street I wanted to stop them and say I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING BUT YOU’RE WRONG. And then lift up my shirt to show them my skin cancer scars and go THESE. THESE MADE ME DO IT.


But then we stopped at a bar and had three margaritas, because we were on vacation and would not be required to make decisions affecting the well being of certain small humans back home, and what do you know? A little tequila can make you reconsider your entire wardrobe. Why didn’t I wear more hats? Hats are awesome! And it’s kind of hot in here, why are we still wearing shirts? ALSO! WHO WANTS TO DANCE? Here, if I jump off this counter will you catch me?

A few hours later after the tequila had worn off I was still convinced that this hat was the best thing that ever happened to fashion, and days later when I was packing all my things for the plane ride home I decided that it was too precious to fold up and shove into the bottom of my suitcase. Instead, I thought, I’ll go through the trouble of carrying it home, and for the next five hours I juggled it, four large magazines and a camera bag that weighed 180 pounds. It was an awkward plane ride made even more uncomfortable by the fact that the aircraft was so small that the only place to put the hat was on my head. And the brim kept knocking into the ear of the strange but patient man who sat to my left. My God, that man showed such restraint, and I would not have pressed charges if he had decided to take out a pencil and stab me in the thigh.

The welcome I received at the airport was incredible, but only because I had promised Leta that I would be bringing her presents. And when she saw me she ran up, wrapped her arms around my neck and the first thing she said was DID YOU GOT STUFF? The second thing was WHAT’S ON YOUR HEAD? And I was all Leta, I might look ridiculous now, but wait until you’ve had a couple martinis and it will totally make sense.

The following morning I lounged in bed a little longer than normal, happy to be back with my super cuddly husband and daughter who was occupied with the STUFF! I’d brought back from Palm Springs. I guess we were feeling cocky, because we normally have Coco on leash at all times so that we can keep track of her and curb her shenanigans, but we let her roam around that morning as we stole a few more minutes of sleep. That’s a famous last word there: BUT. BUT WHAT? THERE ARE NO BUTS WHEN YOU LIVE WITH A PUPPY. You might as well just follow that word with THEN EVERYONE DIED or A HAMMER FELL OUT OF THE SKY AND HIT ME IN THE FACE.

In this particular instance that BUT was followed by this:

And two consecutive days of a dog trying to pass straw out of her ass.

  • Her tombstone will read: She sold her books, and bought her friends

    I can’t believe you won! Congratulations, on your new book! Now, how exactly should I send this to you? For more information…

  • I remember the time my West Highland Terrier, as a pup, ate some Christmas decorations made of polystyrene while we were out and she had the weirdest poop, like toffee popcorn tubes for a couple of days after.

  • Scott K

    I wanted to laugh (and secretly I did), but this was the least funny story ever… because after six months with a puppy, it’s still happening to me!

    Turkish rug (from Turkey), hats, couch, bedsheets, underwear…

    But he’s so cute!

  • Jubeedoo

    Oh noes! No more hat for Dooce 🙁

    It took me a couple of seconds to get this… and then I couldn’t stop laughing, and had to delurk myself in order to add my pleas to the hundreds already saying “get a new hat!” Cos that hat was great on you, and preventing cancer totally beats the inconvenience of toting it round!

    RIP Teh Hat, and hello from a long-time-reader, first-time-commenter 🙂

  • When I was a boy, my best friend Glen had a dog named Daisy, and Daisy got into Glen’s brother’s room. An hour later, Daisy was looking a little wobbly and strange… turns out she found some pot (weed, grass), ate it, and, well, I wish I had a youtube vid to show of poor Daisy wandering around the house all stoned and loopy. Poor thing. She was fine in the end.

    Sorry to hear about your hat!

  • Joel

    Once I had an Australian Shepherd named Clancy. Even after he turned 2 his mottos were:

    1) It moved! It must be food!
    2) It’s not moving! It must be easy to catch food!

  • Bad dog! Is it worth going all way back for another hat exactly the same? I think SO.

  • Bad dog! Is it worth going all way back for another hat exactly the same? I think SO.

  • About falling hammers:

    Should this occur again in the near future, here’s something to earn you big dollars:

    A N

  • You can wear hats! You are totally hat girl. And, more importantly, you look like you’re coming into your fame – all floppy hat and big glasses like “no photographs please.” I love the hat look. And I would catch you if you jumped off the bar.

  • By the way. Loving the jazz hands you’ve got going on there.

  • Your poor hat! It’s things like this that made me completely block out the first three months of my puppies existence. I hope you find a new hat that you love!

  • Anonymous

    the hat is fine…whats up with the dress

  • Jessica

    that was one heck of a story 🙂

    p.s: heehee, are cats that smart too? eating hats

  • Gasp! Your hat.. You told such a lovely story, and I fell in love with your hat. And at the end it dies anyway.

  • Hate it when that happens. You know, puppies only make it to adulthood because they are so damn cute.

  • you have to love a dog with such a well-developed sense of ironic timing.

    and cuteness. sometimes i think teh cuteness is the only reason i allow enormous drooly dogs to not only share my house, but my couch. (i really love my couch)

  • also, we usually tell our dogs that we’re going to sell them to the glue factory.

  • Connie

    Have Coco try a little grass. This always helps our dog, Prince Peabody, pass whatever the hel@#% he has gotten into yet again. That’s how he got his nickname “Grassy-Ass, Senior”.

  • Anonymous

    forget the hat –cool angela adams bag!

    –a fan in portland, me.

  • Lisa

    Chewed up crayons make for much more COLORFUL poop! ahahahahahaha….Not that I would know anything about that though 😉

  • My basset hound, who has a neck that extends like The Alien, got to a turkey carcass I’d mistakenly left pushed way back on the kitchen counter where I thought he couldn’t reach it–until I found that he had the extraterrestrial telescoping neck. He dragged it out to the living room, dismembered it on the carpet. Then, when he realized some of the goodie had leeched into the carpet, he dug until he was able to get a hold of that and rip it up from the floor. Re-carpeting the living room kind of put a damper on that year’s vacation and hat budget.

  • I’m sorry, but I loved reading about your misfortune…really, really loved it;)To MY unruly canines, I have lost a beloved pair of Frye boots that I forgot JUST ONCE in three years to throw in the closet, countless undies-including non-3-pack from Target varieties, steaks I was looking forward to eating, two armchairs, a beloved Ugli doll, a kindergarten class photo from 1978, and a ficus tree…and I’m sure I missed a few hundred things. Seriously, though, I feel for you! The hat dazzled 🙂

  • I came back today to see if there was an entry for today and I just re-read this entry and laughed myself silly AGAIN!

    I can just imagine the absolute quiet that you and Jon were enjoying and then you realized that a puppy and absolute quiet NEVER, EVER go together. I can so relate to that! Many, many things have been destroyed in the last 8 months since Arthur our Goerman Shorthaired Pointer puppy has joined our life.

    I am giggling still…thanks again for the laugh, I really needed it today!

  • Chrissi

    Coming from the owner of a hybird canine-shark I feel your pain. Ever see a dog shit out crayons and maxipads?? Dryweave wrapped shit sausages in all the colors of the rainbow.

  • Nettie

    I do love your posts and this one just cracked me. I have a small she-devil at my house that managed to survive yet another electric cord chewing yesterday and left a mess similar to your picture.

  • Puppies and children should always be on a leash or in a cage unless carefully supervised.

  • I have two dogs: Captain Destructo and his aid Mister Waldo. They have eaten lots of things I have loved, been grossed out by, and things that have merely existed. My favorite was when I thought Mister Waldo had worms because these weird translucent whitish bits were emerging from his butt. One seriously embarrassing trip to the vet later, I realized he just ate a candle.

  • Brilliant! Had everyone in the office in tears!

  • MattStiege

    Nothing like the devilry of an unwatched pooch.

  • Fiber. Straw is fiber, right? Am I right? Hell with steel-cut oatmeal. I’ll eat my hat!

  • I recently started to receive emails from and came across an article written about this outspoken, witty, entrepreneurial, classy, sassy, insightful mom…YOU and I had to know more about you, so I made my way to, hung out a bit, felt massively inspired and then returned to my myspace blog and wrote and posted my first and only draft (which has been a ‘thing’ with me…”first thoughts, best thoughts”~Allen Ginsberg) of Mom Power: Activate…In the form of a Warrior. Thank you for having such a powerful impression on me. Your voice strikes a cord in me and clearly many, many others feel the same …congratulations. What a fire in your belly…I love it and will return for regular soul feedings, understated elegance, organic insights and real laughs.

    In gratitude and all that other Mother Jazz,
    HALF PINT~Blues belter out of Vermont

  • Such a pretty hat. A lot of conversations going on here! Saw your appearance in the wall street journal!

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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