An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Her tombstone will read WAS SOLD TO BUTCHER

While visiting the Palm Desert last week with my friend Carol I picked up a fancy hat at a local shop to help defend my delicate butterfly skin from the ferocious rays of the sun. No I’m not kidding, my skin is made of some sort of super flimsy pancake batter, and I was out in the sun for less than an hour with SPF 70 lathered over my entire body and I still got sunburned. Where do I go from there? SPF Sweat Suit? SPF Remain Inside and Look Longingly Out My Window?

So I bought a hat to shade my face and neck as we walked along El Paseo and window shopped, and I consider that a sacrifice because I don’t wear hats. Hats are for women who can pull off puffy sleeves and lacy collars, and I wish I was one of those women but let’s be honest. I buy clothes based on how well they match my sports bra. And here I was walking around with this swoopy straw hat jutting four feet off my head feeling VERY. CONSPICUOUS. and every time we passed someone on the street I wanted to stop them and say I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING BUT YOU’RE WRONG. And then lift up my shirt to show them my skin cancer scars and go THESE. THESE MADE ME DO IT.


But then we stopped at a bar and had three margaritas, because we were on vacation and would not be required to make decisions affecting the well being of certain small humans back home, and what do you know? A little tequila can make you reconsider your entire wardrobe. Why didn’t I wear more hats? Hats are awesome! And it’s kind of hot in here, why are we still wearing shirts? ALSO! WHO WANTS TO DANCE? Here, if I jump off this counter will you catch me?

A few hours later after the tequila had worn off I was still convinced that this hat was the best thing that ever happened to fashion, and days later when I was packing all my things for the plane ride home I decided that it was too precious to fold up and shove into the bottom of my suitcase. Instead, I thought, I’ll go through the trouble of carrying it home, and for the next five hours I juggled it, four large magazines and a camera bag that weighed 180 pounds. It was an awkward plane ride made even more uncomfortable by the fact that the aircraft was so small that the only place to put the hat was on my head. And the brim kept knocking into the ear of the strange but patient man who sat to my left. My God, that man showed such restraint, and I would not have pressed charges if he had decided to take out a pencil and stab me in the thigh.

The welcome I received at the airport was incredible, but only because I had promised Leta that I would be bringing her presents. And when she saw me she ran up, wrapped her arms around my neck and the first thing she said was DID YOU GOT STUFF? The second thing was WHAT’S ON YOUR HEAD? And I was all Leta, I might look ridiculous now, but wait until you’ve had a couple martinis and it will totally make sense.

The following morning I lounged in bed a little longer than normal, happy to be back with my super cuddly husband and daughter who was occupied with the STUFF! I’d brought back from Palm Springs. I guess we were feeling cocky, because we normally have Coco on leash at all times so that we can keep track of her and curb her shenanigans, but we let her roam around that morning as we stole a few more minutes of sleep. That’s a famous last word there: BUT. BUT WHAT? THERE ARE NO BUTS WHEN YOU LIVE WITH A PUPPY. You might as well just follow that word with THEN EVERYONE DIED or A HAMMER FELL OUT OF THE SKY AND HIT ME IN THE FACE.

In this particular instance that BUT was followed by this:

And two consecutive days of a dog trying to pass straw out of her ass.

  • fiber.

    keep her regular.

    hopefully not on your carpet.

    for the record, while camping/climbing this weekend in bishop, my own delicate pooch decided to do a little digging next to the crag.

    into a nice, fresh pile of human poop.

    me, i’d rather have straw.

  • Jan

    Sad to say, this is exactly why my house doesn’t have any throw rugs (aka doggie shredding fun) that cost more than $20. No $500 Oriental rugs for me, oh no!

  • Haha, oh my gosh. I won’t even tell you how many thousands (yes thousands) of dollars worth of stuff my lab chewed up when she was a puppy (read the first TWO AND A HALF YEARS of her life). Love that hat though. I can’t pull off hats, but you definitely can, despite your opinion to the contrary.

  • Oh dear. I quite liked the hat especially after realizing it was either the hat or big gouges of your skin would be taken off after your white blood cells mutated and multiplied.

    Poor Coco. Now you will simply have to wear her on your head. Just make sure the ass goes in the back. Everyone knows that.

  • oh my, thank you for the laugh and the great story telling, once again!

  • rbiggs

    Your puppy may be a royal pain in the butt, but she is very cute! I have a dog who still, at the ripe old age of 3, eats many non-food items. Although my personal favorite was pulling a legal sized envelope complete with a “window” out of her poopy, puppy butt! Envelope still in tact, but not re-usable.

  • Well at least you know how the dog feels about your fashion choices!

    – Suzanne, the Farmer’s Wife

  • Hahahahahahaha!!! That’s too funny. You did look good in the hat though.

    Ahhh… good friend tequila. I miss you.


  • If they would only target fashion disasters, but it’s equally likely that they’ll destroy your favorite-most-perfect-pair of shoes that never gave you blisters that are no longer available anywhere!

  • Awww, she was ticked because her mama left her at home and came back looking like a ’70s mannequin!

  • Stacy

    Moose is now 5 months old, 75 pounds, and driving me ABSOLUTELY BONKERS. For awhile there he had the “no peeing in the house” concept totally down. This week? NOT SO MUCH, THANKS.

    How is it possible to be simultaneously so cute and so aggravating??


    PS – Loved the hat. I would have been pissed 🙂

  • Brandy

    I feel your pain! Whenever talk of getting another dog comes up I go through the list of things our 9 year old dog has ate, including but not limited to..
    One pound of butter
    One bag of glitter
    2 rare books both borrowed from friends
    A feather pillow
    Many dead things
    A box of sugar cubes
    A box of donuts
    Copious amounts of cat poop.
    A frozen bag of french fries
    25 Kinder eggs.

    I liked the hat by the way and I’m not even that drunk!

  • Christi

    Has anyone ever told you that you look like Nancy Grace? I think it’s your nostrils or maybe your eyebrows or something. Definitely the hair though.

  • Kelly B

    When my first dog was a puppy she ate my ipod. For some reason AppleCare didn’t cover that sort of damage.

    She still has a fondness for my bras. I want to buy some nice expensive bras that will actually hold me up, but I don’t want $60 to go the way of her razor teeth.

  • Dude, you can wear the shit out of that hat.

  • Marie

    Could you not make your blogs so laugh out loud funny. My boss is going to realize one of these days that I get my work done in 2 hours and then piss around for the other 6 haha. Thanks for the laugh. 🙂

  • how devastating. I understand about hats — I love to wear them but feel very self-conscious about it. Then I plug in to my iPod and groove my way home… and forget all about the hat, because now people are staring at me because I’m singing at the top of my lungs. The hat is the least of my worries.

    Hope you can find a replacement.

  • WHEW. Thanks for reminding me just insanely lucky I got with my puppy who really showed no interest in chewing things what were not specifically made to be chewed or going potty when it wasn’t potty time. I will read this when I get another But I Want Another Puppy urge. Well. Who am I kidding. I still want another puppy. I want to adopt all the puppies in the world, even the really old ones and they can chew whatever they want.

  • Kim

    My greyhound got into a paint tray with just enough paint left in it to get on his nose, legs and feet, which was then tracked onto the kitchen floor, the kitchen rugs, my couch and the new doggie bed I just bought him. He is lucky to be alive.

  • Annemarie

    I feel like an absolute idiot in a hat, but you look lovely.
    Puppies are so not fun sometimes.

  • Emily

    Sweet Lord, that is hilarious.

  • I actually looked at the picture of you in the hat and thought “Wow, she looks good in that hat. I should try a hat sometime, as I am half a sunburn away from starting my own little collection of skin cancer.” I have had similar feelings about hats as what you described. But you give me hope!

  • coco ate the hat? the whole hat? i know your seat mate had to have felt the world slow down just a little as coco chomped away on the reason he won’t fly from ps to slc again.

  • Benschomatic

    I wore a cheap straw cowboy hat home to Chicago from California (during a rather frigid March.) Yes, my head got cold on the way home from the airport. I did propose to my wife while wearing that hat, so I guess it was a worthy souvenir to hold on to. I have since lost it.

    I have not lost much to Floyd, our resident destroyer (8 month old fox terrier/Italian greyhound mix – yes, he’s as terrifying and cute as that mix would indicate.) I keep my treasured items well out of his reach. My wife on the other hand has lost a NUMBER of things to this 15-pound monster. Now in a 21-day doggy “bootcamp”, I have a feeling our trainer may not be able to come up with a command that keeps Floyd from eating the crotch portions from my wife’s maternity undies or chewing the zippers (and just the zippers) from all of her clothing items.

  • sally

    That is just too funny. Dogs. Ours puked in two different spots this morning – he just had to lick his paws.

  • I worked as a dog-walker for awhile. My little doggie friend ate a sock. I didn’t see it going in, but….

    The hat was fab. Hope you can replace it.

  • Shell Smith

    It took me a few seconds to realize that was your straw hat.

    I ate a straw hat once myself. I was extremely hungry, and I regretted it immediately.

    🙂 Geez Heather that stinks but you’re a saint for not eating coco for dinner. Sorry that you felt liberty to sleep in – please don’t let this taint your morning freedom!

  • Don’t you just love puppies!?!?!?!? Of course you are much more diligent with your puppy and poop training than I am with mine. While Coco may prefer your wonderful hat. My Pearl tends to favor Rolaids gum, well all gum basically, and Gorilla Glue. Nice.

  • Coco is required to make at least 1 sacrifice to the Puppy Gods every month. Boy is she thankful you brought her that hat all the way from sunny CA because it was either the hat or John’s clogs- and we all know how disappointed you would be to see those coming out the other end.


  • Man, puppies. They’re so stinking cute when they’re little, but holy heck, they do things that make you wish you could fast-forward a couple of years.

    Definitely get another hat. It was a rockin’ look for you.

  • deb

    oh god yeah. Having to throw away endless pairs of underwear that no longer had a crotch… Items in your laundry basket will be next! not to mention bathroom trash at a certain time of the month. gross. Especially if you bring company home and thats the first thing you see all over the floor!

  • nuthin’ wrong with a little fiber 😉
    Seriously though, i hope it all came out ok!

  • Jeff

    HA! Oh, that’s rich! I remember when our American Eskimo ate carpet. I was pulling loops of carpet out of his ass for days.

    I needed a good laugh today.

  • My, my… that bed looks EXACTLY like THOR’s bed. Not to mention our own. Reminds me of the time(s) our sweet little puppy brought it upon himself to eat holes clean through our comforter. This resulted in rouge down feathers floating about the house for a week and sticking to our walls, and being woken up in the middle of the night by the dog vomiting up white fluffballs all over the carpet, adding a whole new dimension of confusion to our 3:24 a.m. stupor.

    And, like Coco, for two days afterward the mystery meat coming out the other end resembled a deranged, molting laying hen from one of those industrial farms they show you on PETA to convince you to become a vegetarian.

    I am now a vegetarian.

  • Heather

    Anyone with bone structure as fantastic as yours should wear hats whenever possible.

    Also, have you heard what the crazies are saying about Vitamin D? We’re supposed to get 15 minutes of sun every day WITHOUT SUNSCREEN. When is the last time you got 15 minutes of sun without sunscreen and didn’t immediately burn into flames? I say, screw Vitamin D. I don’t like blisters.

  • Awwww.
    I’m so sorry about your hat. :makes pouty face:
    As someone who has lost bras to her dog (who was a year and a half, well past puppyhood, I hate to tell you), I feel your pain.

    I loved those bras, only to find that they didn’t make that style any more. 😮

    HOWEVER – I’m sure that Coco had a WHALE of a time. I know that Ms. B does when she’s being bad… 😉

  • Amyd


  • Oh my god. That’s totally poetic.

  • Amy

    Oh sad times! I have a poop book that talks about “straw poopie.” (AKA The Chinese Star, The Dorito, The Glass Shard, you get the idea) You know, the kind that seems to come out and poke you like straw does when you sit on a haybale. Hopefully, Coco will learn her lesson through the suffering of passing “straw poopie.”

  • No one can say it like you Heather! Good luck with future hats and maybe an old shoe for the puppy.

  • Ely

    I had this awesome hat i wore everyday for about 3 years. Not kidding. It was brown when i got it and then eventually faded to tan from all the sun. This hat was loved by me(especially) as well as my family and my current girlfriend at the time.

    So this one time that particular girl and i were snuggling on the couch, watching a movie, and i didn’t notice that my dog went quiet all of a sudden.

    Story ends that i looked up to see what happened and found that the only thing that was left of my hat was a small piece of the brim.

    RIP straw hat…and my hat…and any hats to come!

  • I was reading this and thinking to myself how silly you were for not thinking you were a hat person because you looked great in it.

    I really think this beats my g-dog chewing up the remote.

    Heather’s Hat. 🙁

  • Sara

    Love the story. You looked fabulous in the hat. You should buy a new one, but store it up high!

  • Wow, so what you are saying is that Coco eating that hat is likely to be kind of like us eating corn.

    You looked good in the hat, like Mata-effing-Hari trying to steal war secrets.

    The best SPF to use is made by Sherwin-Williams and come in a whole spectrum of lovely colors. A Wagner Power Sprayer works well with the latex but a brush is probably better if you go with the oil base.

  • Heather

    My friend’s dog did the same thing with her Crocs. I thought Crocs were indestructible. Guess not. Speaking of Crocs…I saw an ad in Rolling Stone…Two words: Crocs Heels.

  • I love my cats.

    The hat was fab, though. You can totally rock it like Joan Collins in a turban, girl!

  • oh goodness, how hilarious is that?! BUT what a bummer too because i thought you looked smashing in that hat! lol.

  • sara


  • That was… tragically predictable.

    I recommend forcefeeding the dog some castor oil. It’s also very effective on cats who eat an entire package of Christmas tree tinsel. Because what everyone needs during their holiday season is a Persian walking around with eight inches of sparkly ribbon trailing from her butt.

  • ohhhhhhh sooooooo sad.
    you looked so pretty.
    puppies seem to know what we love most.

    favorite cowboy boots
    favorite hat
    new leather bag
    drip system
    nothing my husband owns

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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