An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Media blitz

This week was swallowed up in a chaotic frenzy that started Monday morning when a photographer for a local Mormon-owned newspaper showed up to take a picture of me and the dogs to run with a story from the Wall Street Journal that they would be re-printing. The photo that they chose shows that all the work we’ve been doing with Coco is starting to pay off, and you can’t look at her regal profile and not be totally confused about how something so dashing would be so willing to guzzle its own feces.

Also featured in the photograph: all the prints that are hanging in the wrong direction on my living room wall, and so I think this means I have to leave them this way. Not that I ever had any intention of correcting this wrong, but now there is this Official Picture of Heather B. Armstrong, Her Two Champion Canines, and Hard Physical Evidence that Prozac Changes Lives. If I moved the prints around now I’d be denying my true self, would be saying that I couldn’t look at that wall one more second when in fact I could look at that wall all day long and not once have the urge to reach out and flip around a frame. This is why they need to change the literature on the side of certain anti-depressants to read: side effects may include finding yourself reacting to certain situations LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING.

Wednesday I was in an all-day meeting with two lovely people from a management agency in Hollywood, and the only detail I can really reveal about all that mess is that if we ever have to hold a casting for someone to play Jon, I’m totally gunning for John Larroquette.

Wednesday evening Jon and I participated in a round table discussion about blogging with a local ABC news journalist named Chris Vanocur. The program airs locally on Sunday morning at 10 AM on channel 30, but you can see it online now at the ABC 4 website. I’m also going to embed it here because the ad server on the ABC website keeps refreshing and restarting the video and HEY, ABC 4, CUT IT OUT.

(video removed because of a very annoying auto-start feature that was giving me and many others a migraine, sorry about that)

Just want to point out that I think Chris Vanocur has the hots for the other blogger on the show, Sarah Nielson, and at various points in the video you can see that his passionate crush is making him flustered. You’ll see them exchanging loaded glances at each other, and there is this specific moment where he can’t remember that the word he wants to use is “complimentary” because he’s so focused on the alluring curve of Sarah’s hair as it cascades down her bosom that both Jon and I suddenly felt like a third and fourth wheel.

(Also: how hot is my husband in that video? SIZZLING.)

Thursday a reporter for the local CBS affiliate visited the house and spent several hours interviewing me and Jon about what it’s like to run this website. He and his camera crew startled Coco when they rang the doorbell, and she greeted them with enraged, raucous barking and by running head-first into the glass door. The reporter was concerned that Coco might have hurt herself and wondered if she temporarily blacked out, but I assured him that Coco had weathered far worse circumstances, like that one time she wouldn’t stop barking at the garbage can so we threw her inside it and then tied it shut with a bungee cord. I think he took me seriously so I assured him that we only left her in there for three days.

The interview lasted all morning, and then they returned in the afternoon so that they could get footage of us hanging out with Leta. When we picked her up from school we told her that a photographer was coming over to take pictures and then spent the next hour saying, no, Leta, you cannot take off your pants. But she wanted to take off her pants, she always got to take her pants off after school, and I was all, I know, I hate wearing pants, too, but she was going to have to find the strength somewhere inside her to remain clothed for at least the next half hour. So she said, “If I leave my pants on can I have four treats?” And I was all, of course! I don’t see anything wrong with rewarding such hard work.

We’re not sure when that segment is airing, I’ll certainly keep you posted, and I’m wondering if they’re going to be able to use any of the footage they got of Leta because suddenly her vocabulary shrunk to three words: pee-pee, poo-poo, and POOOOOOOP. Because she wanted to stand out from all the other four-year-olds on earth.

  • Molly

    Nice interview. I watched it at ABC’s Web site. However, I was totally distracted by the article link on the side that read, “Update: Sandy police arrest teens who cooked feces in convenience store microwave.”

    OH. MY. What is going on in Utah??

  • Anonymous

    Please tell me you aren’t going to go all Hollywood and stop writing?

    It’s pathetic, I know, but reading Dooce is, like, a highlight, in my pathetic mommy life.

    I’m on Lexapro. The sideways pictures bother me. You think I need a new drug?

  • BaltimoreGal

    I am SO in love with your puppies!

  • Ellen

    I think I am responsible for a good 100 of those hits a month. Awesome site!

  • Dami

    Heather, I love you. You and Jon are my heroes. It’s so nice to know that such fantastic persons exist. You are so beautiful and intelligent.

  • My only disappointment with the interview was that you didn’t end it with “In the name of Jesus Christ Amen”. Especially since Chris was conducting as though he was a missionary at family home evening.

    And Heather, how’s that anger management?

  • dooce

    I am not going to go all Hollywood and stop writing. Unfortunately for some, I’ll be writing this website until I die.

  • Sol

    I think Kilie Minogue is a good Heather, you know, for the movie.

  • Really? John Laroquette? I was thinking John Corbett. Well done, Heather, both with the website (love it!), and snagging a hottie!

  • Kate


    And you look and sound just like a girl I work with.
    Except I know you aren’t her.
    Well, she still works here.

    ha ha ha ha ha ha!

    You make me want to lose my job! :o)

  • Melissa

    First of all, congratulations on all the success. You deserve it all.

    Second, Chris Vanocur is awesome. He’s very much like a Christopher Guest character, only he is fully aware of what he’s doing. It’s one of those instances of “If he’s serious, he’s deluded and if he’s kidding, he’s a genius”. And Vanocur? Vanocur, sir, is a genius.

  • MrsHaley

    Great segment! You both looked and sounded great.

    I am so intrigued by the “Hollywood management” allusion … can’t wait to see what comes of that!

    We are not IRL friends, but after reading Dooce for years I can honestly say I am as happy for your continued and increasing success as I would be for any of my own friends. Way to go, Armstrongs.

  • Kate

    Only one thing was “wrong” with that interview….

    Where were Chuck and Coco?

    ha ha ha ha ha!

  • Lyz

    What IS it with 4 years olds and taking off their pants?! It’s like having a miniature nudist colony around here some afternoons!

    Write on, Heather! You remind me to see the humor in this child’s wacky behavior. And make me Oh So glad I don’t have dogs.:)

  • stefanie

    my vote for the movie version of you is totally kate winslet. she was on the cover of entertainment weekly a year or so ago and i kept doing double takes thinking i was seeing you. as for jon, it’s would be difficult to find anyone who so perfectly embodies the concept of sexy geek. god, i hope i can find one of my own soon, i don’t think there’s enough to go around.

    congrats on the book, i’ll probably be getting a copy as soon as it comes out.

  • Anonymous

    It makes me so happy to see you get recognized for something that is not only so obviously a gift…but a gift done so well! Kudos from one writer mama to another for showing them how it’s meant to be done – with true style, wit and grace! (WSJ!!!)

  • well said, lauren. well said.

    also, congratulations all around!

    “27. Lauren said:
    I could see Chris Vanocur’s mind boner from here! Shudder”

  • “I’m the old… [pause]… MEDIA…”

    You are one lucky woman, but I’m sure you know that.

  • J. Bo

    Oh, PLEASE… John Corbett isn’t NEARLY awesome enough to play Jon in Dooce: The Movie.

    BUT… as previously mentioned, Reese Witherspoon would be a terrific Heather.

    (And either Jodie Foster or Hugh Laurie will play me.)

  • Stupid ABC4 spelled your name wrong too. Shesh.

  • Jeff

    Were I a woman, I’d totally nail Jon.

  • I have to say it’s a little surreal watching you read an except.

  • OMG Jon definitely IS hot! I want a cute geek of my own!
    Please don’t tell me Hollywood wants to do a show about your lives. I don’t want to share you with anyone else. Ok, go ahead and sell out, you should ride the wave as long as you can; complete Leta’s college fund, buy your own shack in the desert, and one on the beach, and a condo in LA because you guys can’t get it out of your system. It’s just that, are we really going to see the bathtub groping scene at 8:45 on a Tuesday night? I kind of want to keep it in my head rather than fleshed out, as it were.
    ~sigh~ go ahead, fly and be free!

    ps, Chris really WAS hot for the blonde nielsen chick! and you two looked and sounded great!

  • Great show! – such fun to see and hear the people behind the blogs.

  • Heather NotArmstrong

    Wow, Vancouver speaks so slowly. I’m from Texas, and I still need 5 valium and scotch (a/k/a Breakfast in Austin) to listen to him for more than 30 seconds.

  • Charlotte Whitney

    That Sarah Nielsen woman was a JOKE.
    At least you are an up front entertaining person that also expresses that in your writing.
    Miss Nielsen seems like a bandwagoner in the area you have conquered so well.

  • Kimberly

    i love you! way to go dooce & blurb.

  • Mel

    As always you are amazing! Dooce rocks my world

  • Oh.My.God. THE ACCENT. I had no idea. Now I have to re-read all of the entries because I’ve been reading them with the wrong voice in my head!

  • Great interview.
    1. You’re totally right that Vanocur totally flirted with Sarah.
    2. Kind of a bummer that they spelled your name “Armstorn” on the actual On the Record page.

  • Jenny

    It’s nice to see you smiling — your photos of yourself are always so serious! 🙂

  • M.K.

    I’ll give you five bucks if you say Crown [crayon] in your next interview.

  • Kate

    I was wondering why posting was so light this week! Now I know, you’re creating a media empire and going to take over the world.

  • KAS

    Yikes, Heather. That was awesome. In ways I couldn’t begin to explain to the rest of the world.

    I only barely noticed an accent, for what it’s worth, although I’m fairly sure that my husband would have obviously been WAY HOTTER than Jon in that clip. Even though I am totally not biased.

    I was seriously happy to see that and show my husband part of that clip so I could point at the screen in excitement and exclaim, “See, honey?! That’s Heather! That’s the woman that has taken so much of my life over with hers!”

  • HeadlessChicken

    Holy entire show Heather, I can’t watch all that right now. One kid’s crying and the other is waiting to be claimed from school.

    I did read the article you mentioned however, and needed to thank you for putting yourself and family through all that was noted, just to entertain me like royalty!! I swear I am addicted, and sooo excited that you started adding commentary to your pictures and style!

    I’m glad you know the value of therapy, because indeed mean people suck. And thank you again for enduring the Truman Show lifestyle for the gratification of stalkers like me!

  • Sarah

    PLEEEASE no noise without warning! Sorry but this is one of my pet peeves about websites – sites that are normally nice and quiet suddenly blaring out “TODAY, OLD MEDIA MEETS NEW MEDIA” at 100 dB just as my boss walks by, making it painfully apparent that this is not work-related Internetting. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to see the video but please warn us first!

  • “If I leave my pants on can I have four treats.”

    I use that line all the time with my wife and she throws me a bag of Cheetohs.

  • Nhiro

    Dude, the bedroom eyes between those two. I feel dirty.

    Your accent is hella cute.

  • Anonymous

    You both look great!
    If you did do a reality show, I would watch faithfully and it would be number one on my TiVo…above LOST even.

  • You guys are like the blogger super couple. We want to be just like you, only canadian.

  • I love John Larroquette! He’s not as good looking as Jon, but I guess Clooney is busy…

    Congrats on all the coverage! Don’t let success change you, because I have to go SOMEWHERE where people still say FUCK.

  • Lisa

    I haven’t read all the comments, but am I the only one who thinks it’s funny that they had to write Dooce rhymes with moose?!

  • Fabulous interview. It was great to see you and Jon “live”. You two really do need a reality show–then there would actually be one worth watching on television. Congrats on all the awards–you two deserve it!

  • Wow, its all dooce, all the time these days in good ol’ Utah. Could make me like living here again! And no, I didn’t just post last night a confession about having a serious blog crush on you. You rock! What a coincidence!

  • Denise

    My four-year-old is also a “pants remover”. Seriously….I pick him up from daycare, and when we get home, practically the first words out of his mouth are, “Mommy, can I take off my pants?” Makes me wonder what they are teaching our kids in daycare.

  • Liz

    Your like, all famous and stuff.

    And for the record, you don’t suck. Drop kick the bastards that say so.

  • MeL

    My favorite was the look on your face when he called you a “Blogging Superstar”. I could SEE the thought bubble over your head “Are you fucking KIDDING ME?!” Priceless.

  • Wow, Dooce in 3D. Well, 2D, but you know what I mean.

    Is it weird I never realised before that you’d have an American accent? I mean, you’re from Utah, what was I expecting? Scouser?

  • I’ve always thought Jon looked like Jason Lee. Although ‘My Name is Earl’ has sort of diminished his (Jason’s, not Jon’s) hotness for me.

  • Anonymous

    My hair flips up just on one side like yours does! Does it drive you crazy too?

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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