the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Next thing you know he’ll be voting for Obama

Leta (pretending to apply blush to her own face while I apply mascara to my eyelashes): “You wear make-up because you’re a girl. I wear make-up because I’m a girl. Only girls wear make-up.”

Me: “Not necessarily. Some boys wear make-up, too.”

Leta: “WHAT?! Boys do NOT wear make-up!”

Me: “Some boys do. And it’s okay if they do.”

Leta: “But if boys wear make-up they would get dizzy.”

Me: “They would get dizzy? What?”

Leta: “They would get dizzy and fall down.”

Me: “What on earth are you talking about?”

Leta: “Papaw wears make-up, and he gets dizzy.”

Me: “You saw Papaw wearing make-up?”

Leta: “Yep, I did.”

Me: “Papaw, The Most Conservative Person On The Planet?”

Leta: “And he fell over.”

Me: “Obviously, because the only way Papaw would be seen wearing make-up was if someone hit him in the head with a blunt object and then applied it to his face while he lay on the ground unconscious.”

Leta: “I thought he looked cute.”

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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