An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Pull a chair up with the hyrup

The Olympics is slowly killing both Jon and me by pushing us three and four hours past our normal bedtime. We’ve been trying to keep up with all the excitement, and two nights ago I finally had to call it quits at one in the morning and hit the sheets. I remember thinking as I checked the clock, oh God, please Leta, sleep in until at least 7:30, do it for Michael Phelps. She answered that prayer by screaming out at 5:00 AM and then refusing to go back to sleep. I brought her back into bed with us and for two hours she asked, CAN I HAVE A PANCAKE NOW? HOW ABOUT NOW? I WANT A PANCAKE. MY OWN PANCAKE. PANCAKE. PANCAKE. PANCAKE. I won’t lie, I did have the sudden urge to punch Jon in the gut at about 6:30 and go THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT. In fact, two days later, I’m still fighting that urge.

I couldn’t sleep through the PANCAKE monologue, so I finally took her upstairs at about 7:00 to eat breakfast. Jon was wiped out, had been working on about six different projects, so I let him sleep despite the fact that THIS WAS ALL HIS FAULT. And then when we got upstairs I realized, oops, I don’t know how to make pancakes. Sure, I could read the directions on the box, but on four hours of sleep I couldn’t see straight. And was in no state to operate a piece of machinery whose main component is fire.

So I suggested that we eat some cereal together. And she protested a tiny bit until I explained very clearly that her daddy is the pancake parent and me? I’m the cop out cereal parent. Pancakes taste better when made by daddy, and cereal poured into a bowl by anyone other than me will just not taste as glorious. Also, I’m tired, be quiet, be glad you have food to eat, if you want I can give you the speech my dad used to give me about starving children in Africa, I haven’t yet uttered that sentence to you, and it would give me great pleasure this morning to cross off that rite of passage.

So we had cereal. And some casual conversation (note, she is watching herself in the viewfinder the entire time):

Also, thanks to several kind readers who sent me the link, I think I now know how to make pancakes because of the following amazing video. Be prepared for the most sensational three minutes and forty-six seconds of your life, I promise you it is worth the investment of your time. Someone get this kid a recording contract STAT:

  • Katie

    Can I hire Jon to make ME pancakes every morning?

  • Trisha in Memphis

    You’re welcome. 🙂

  • There needs to be more pancake ditties in the world.

  • “I love Chuck. He’s my favorite.”

    You’re killing me with the cuteness.

  • So what the hell is “hyrup”? LOL

    And who leaves their garage door open like that when making said pancakes?

    Don’t worry, I’m a cereal mom, too.

  • Daddy is the best friend AT HOME. I love the note in her voice when you ask if Coco is her best friend. It says, “Poor woman, have you not yet figured out that the dog is after my stuff?”

  • “When did he barf?”


    Awesomely delicious. Almost as good as a pancake.

  • Z

    Very cute. I love the whole part about Chuck.

  • Now I want pancakes.

  • You do know that you can’t make pancakes with Olive Oil, right? Virginal status not withstanding, it is not the right kind of oil for these breakfast delights. I say, just leave it to the hubs.

    And I adore the deep Leta morning voice.

  • Christina

    That made me smile, she is darling.

  • Penelope

    If only we all had as much sparkle as your daughter at 7 in the morning 🙂

  • That song will be in my head for the rest of the day.

  • Patti

    My children are 23 and 16 and their Dad is STILL the pancake maker at our house. It’s just something that evolved and you can’t and shouldn’t mess with tradition!

  • Joy

    Guess what song I now have stuck in my head?… 🙂

  • Heidi

    You are correct, that was the most awesome 3 minutes and 46 seconds of my life! Pancakes ROCK! And next time I’m making them I will be singing this song in my kitchen!

  • The Olympics are killing us too. My wife thinks we’re getting old because we actually care about the Olympics this time around.

    BTW, she’s adorable (Leta, not my wife). That didn’t come out right. Nevermind.

  • Laura

    Ok- So I read your entry at work, and I had to turn the volume up pretty loud to hear Leta. And then I clicked on the pancake video and WOW. I was no longer being discreet.

  • Amy


  • Normally I don’t care about the Olympics but for some reason this time around I just can’t go to bed without knowing if Michael Phelps did it again or if we won any type of medal in gymnastics. Luckily track and field isn’t my thing so next week I’ll be in bed by 10!

  • Anne

    You may have already thought of this but I’ll go ahead and share anyway. Freeze the fuckers – as in make a batch of pancakes (well have Jon do it) let them cool and throw them in the freezer so when the 6:30 am demon (excuse me, light of my life) wakes up wanting pancakes I don’t have to think much while they warm up and the coffee brews.

    You know the natural progression of introducing pancakes is to make them more nutritious. You know adding fruit such as bananas to the mix or (gasp) flax seed meal. My little dude never knew what hit him.

  • Kelly

    The cuteness it kills!

    And I love how she’s all like I’m eating this poor substitute — and not always getting in my spoon, hmm, must practice that some more — because YOU can’t make pancakes.

    She also totally doesn’t appreciate your gotcha moment about Roxanne and knows you are just bitter because she loves pancakes more than cereal.

  • kristine

    I have seriously just watched the video of Leta 3 times and die laughing when she says, “I love Chuck, he’s my favorite”. My, she’s come a long way. Still some work to be done with Coco. Ha! I also love have Chuck barfs…tomorrow.

    I used to babysit twins and they would always say things like I am going to eat ice cream for breakfast, yesterday.

    Just love how kids talk.

  • Amy

    I had to post another comment because now I understand why you have kids. They are pure entertainment.

  • Maureen

    Leta’s attempt to gaze into viewfinder whilst getting cereal with spoon is classic. Also, I go for the instant (add only water) pancake mix. ‘Cause let’s all be honest with ourselves — what are the chances I would have vegetable oil, and *unexpired* eggs AND milk.

  • You could be the “Eggo parent” (if she’ll eat them, that is). Hey it’s related to a pancake.

  • Angie

    My first opportunity to read a dooce blog post and I’m so happy that I did. Make a pancake, make, make a pancake. That little jingle is going to be in my head the rest of the day.

    Thank you

  • You can now buy pancake batter in a can and spray out pancakes. At least that’s what I’ve heard. Why don’t you buy some and let us know how that works. 🙂

  • You should really get the pancake batter that comes in the squirt can. It’s organic,even. you just squirt it out like you would whipped cream… (but not directly into your mouth).

  • Holy Mother of God. Now I have the theme to your pancake song stuck in my head along with the (unknown) words to this little Japanese ditty my husband keeps torturing me with:

    And they do not make a very good combo.

    That video is hilarious, though. And I suddenly have the urge to run out and buy some Bisquick.

  • nnjagurl

    make a pancake make-make a pancake
    make a pancake make-make a pancake

    yeah, that’s going to be in my head ALL DAY.



  • Be sure and let us know if Chuck barfs tomorrow!

    And poor Coco, the unfavorite.

  • I tend to throw a pop-tart at my child and call it good on 4 hours of sleep… you are really good for pouring milk!

  • The determination with which she says she loves Chuck is so adorable.

  • OK, you’re killing me with the cute…she’s ridiculous! “I love Chuck” holy crap…I almost fell out of my chair. PS John can make me pancakes anyday! Lucky girl!

  • Thank god for cereal. And the best part? The best part is that they eventually get old enough to FIX A BOWL THEMSELVES! That gets you at least 20 minutes extra sleep until they all want “human interaction.” Cha.

  • Holy “hyrup”lmao! She is so adorable! (Leta, not Aunt Jemima) Kids are funny, I love the “he barfs, tomorrow”

  • Oh man, that is a punishment song. I’m going to have that in my head all day.

  • Even though he’s a boy and not a princess, check out the Nate the Great books.

    He loves pancakes too!

  • Jilleen

    Love the song! I have four year old twins and a one year old – all pancake fanatics. Want to recommend you try Krusteez Oat Bran pancake mix for Leta. All you add is water and I feel better that is has some healthy goodness in the mix. I add chopped up bananas too and they can’t get enough. I now will make big batches at a time on Sundays, wrap individually in Cling Wrap and freeze. Even you can pop one in the microwave, right?

  • Curse you! Not only can I NOT afford to buy food today for lunch, but now I’m also STARVING TO DEATH FOR PANCAKES.

    Of course, with hyrup.

  • thanks for the detailed “how to make a pancake”. My pancakes usually suck so I throw pieces of bananas in them to soften the unpleasant taste.

  • Doug

    This may be the cutest video I’ve every seen. She is a doll with her facial expressions and voice and face.

  • Eggo makes frozen pancakes. IF you’re afraid they’re not wholesome enough, Whole Foods sells an organic variety.

    The benefit to older kids is that they can get their OWN breakfast…

    I would like to see Leta singing the “Make a pancake” song though. I can just imagine how lovely THAT would be at 5 AM!

  • Jen

    All gold today Heather. I can’t stay up past 11pm to watch the Games, I can’t imagine you mid-westerners stuggling through.
    Pancakes rule – Bob’s Red Mill has a bad ass buttermilk pancake mix! I highly recommend it! Although I made the mistake of making french toast on Sunday and my daughter said, “I have a new rule – you have to make this every Sunday!”

  • AP Press Release

    SALT LAKE CITY–A Salt Lake City woman was arrested before dawn this morning after assaulting her husband with what appeared to be a Mrs. Butterworth bottle.

    Heather B. Armstrong, 33, was arrested after neighbors reported hearing her screaming “You HAD to make her love pancakes, didn’t you?” at her husband.

    Mrs. Armstrong, who has a history of mental illness, was shot with a taser gun after she pulled out what police originally thought was a handgun. It turned out to be a really tacky looking piece of clog footwear. Her husband explained to police that it was her favorite pair of shoes.

    She was eventually subdued and was remanded to the custody of a woman who would only identify herself as “The Avon World Sales leader.”

  • It’s kind and nice that you pay attention to the Olympics. Not many people feel the joy of it nowadays. Not because they don’t like sports but because of ignorance. I find this important because of the history of Olympics.

  • Kay

    Somehow I have seen that pancake video before. Don’t know where or when, just that it means I’m spending way too much time on the internet. I’m a teacher, this is what happens in the summer holidays.

    I thought he was making some kind of tribute to a real Aunt Jemima till I saw the sauce bottle. I’m from England and we don’t have that here. Now I have a whole new excuse to go to America for my next holiday – a quest for syrup. Yes, I am that sad.

  • Lanie

    Hilarious pancake song! This is my first comment EVER on any blog and it is to share some pancake advice. (We eat a lot of them at our house too). When Jon makes them, make an extra big batch and freeze the leftovers in a big ziploc bag. That way you can pull out just enough for one serving and heat them in the microwave. Grocery stores have (very pricey) prepackaged frozen microwaveable pancakes too which is what gave me the idea to do this. It takes a lot longer the one time, but definitely well worth it.

  • Ailis

    If you decide you might want to make easy pancakes, I have a solution for you. My sister showed me a product called Batter Blasters. Do you have Costo in SLC? They come in three packs there. It’s already made pancake mix in a whipped cream-like container. Their web site is and I found a commercial at to show you how it works. All you have to do is heat up a pan, put some Pam on it and cook it under golden brown. We had this stuff on a recent beach vacation and it was awesome to get up in the morning and throw this in a pan just like an egg. And there is no clean up for prep dishes. I promise I’m not a corporate shill for the stuff…just thought it might help you out.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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